LDR + Family Issue !

[Mtlgrrl]

Hi, I'm new here and I need some advice. It's gonna be a looooong post

 

I'm in a LDR for now 4 years. We had our highs and lows. Every year I go to see him ( He lives in Europe and I'm in North America) he needs a visa to come and be with me and after MANY tries we have come to the conclusion I am the one who needs to go to him for now. In 4 years we have spent from 3 weeks to 3 months straight together by renting an appartment in his city. It has not been easy financially but it's the price to pay for the relationship we have. There's no trust issues, we get along fine, we both make a lot of financial sacrifices but in the end we agree that it's all worth it if we want to finally BE together.

 

Right now I'm lost maybe I don't wanna deal with reality or accept that we might not be meant for each other. You be the judge. Last summer I was there to see him for 3 months, we were suppose to get married (civil ceremony) so we can get the visa, would have our real wedding once in North America. The problem is that we have fought A LOT, it was the first time we were together longer than a month and we have a lot to work on. He said he wanted to wait to get married as he says the fights were too much and it freaked him out. I was upset as well and had my doubts but I knew it was due to being together longer and it was all due to the reality of a normal relationship. ANYWAY. I went back home and we have decided that we need time to work on our relationship before we even start thinking about getting married.

 

Now, he lives with his parents (which is a common thing in his country, you leave your parents house when you are about to get married) and I always got along great with his family. Last summer I saw some things I didn't like about his mother and his younger sister ( rude remarks mostly) but I kept my mouth shut as I don't want problems. One night it was too much and I was feeling homesick ( I had a week to go home at that point) so I confided in him about his younger sister.

 

 

Okay, his sister is super spoiled, his mother treats her like a child ( she's in her early 20's) and she's always shoving under my nose comments like '' my daughter is so beautiful, look what I bought my daughter, my daughter is this, she's that'' she's showing her off to me and I don't know why? Once or twice okay its fine but every chance she got she would make those comments to me. She even showed me her daughters many vacation pictures ( over 500 btw) and making comments look how pretty she looks in a bikini, look how beautiful she is. WEIRD!!!! If the daughter showed me her pictures, okay cool but the mother...wtf????

 

So, I confided in him about this odd behavior and that his sister was ignoring me all the time and I was done with trying to speak to her when she obviously didn't care to speak to me. I have to say he doesnt gets along with his sister, they have a really strained relationship due to her being a spoiled brat and having a bad attitude. Thats all before even knowing me though, from what I know they always had problems.

 

So I go back home, I think okay we're going to work on our relationship and see & report the civil wedding to another time. We both need time to work on things. Out of nowhere his mother starts a fight with him about his lack of a better relationship with the sister, he then has the brilliant idea to tell her about what I told him about his sister and how she was ignoring me. Me and his mom always got along great so he thought she would understand and you know back off, no way she went crazy. Said I was keeping them from speaking and that from now on she knows why he doesnt speaks to his sister. Yup, you read write. I have his mom & sis on facebook and it has been a bitch fest since that day, they come up with "quotes" that are obviously meant for me about jealousy, envy and how his sister shouldn t worry as she is a better person in every way blah bla blah. I can't block them that would cause MORE chaos. It has also put a strain on my relationship as she fights with him every chance she gets about me and how I'm not the person she thought I was. Things are really getting to him and I see how depressed he is, I can tell by the webcam sessions and even when we talk to eachother - which is daily.

 

Now he doesn't speaks much to me, does his own things and refuses to say whats up. Were in a rut basically. We fight more than we talk. I asked him if he wants a break to cool things off, he doesn't wants. I asked what he wants he doesn't tells me. I don't know what to do anymore, I really never saw any of this coming. So, comments? Really appreciated!

[CA2TN4Love]

Aww, I'm so sorry. That's my biggest fear, the in-laws.

 

I don't think it's right that he told his mom what you said in confidence, but the damage is done and you're both paying for it. How long ago did you go home, and how long has it been since he told his mother? Does she seem like the type that will let it go?

 

I don't have much experience with the dreadful in-laws. I had a long term relationship (18 years) with my ex, and although they weren't the friendliest people, I just managed to see them only when it was necessary. We were never close, but there was never drama. However, it sounds like he's really close to his family, and since he lives with them, you'll have to see them when you visit.

 

Have you tried talking to his mom or his sister and explaining why you felt the way you did? You definitely want to resolve this before your next visit, otherwise, talk about awkward! Maybe you could sit down on Skype with her?

 

I don't know. I'm sorry that you're going through this. You two sound like you have a great relationship otherwise.

[Mtlgrrl]

Aww, I'm so sorry. That's my biggest fear, the in-laws.

 

I don't think it's right that he told his mom what you said in confidence, but the damage is done and you're both paying for it. How long ago did you go home, and how long has it been since he told his mother? Does she seem like the type that will let it go?

 

I don't have much experience with the dreadful in-laws. I had a long term relationship (18 years) with my ex, and although they weren't the friendliest people, I just managed to see them only when it was necessary. We were never close, but there was never drama. However, it sounds like he's really close to his family, and since he lives with them, you'll have to see them when you visit.

 

Have you tried talking to his mom or his sister and explaining why you felt the way you did? You definitely want to resolve this before your next visit, otherwise, talk about awkward! Maybe you could sit down on Skype with her?

 

I don't know. I'm sorry that you're going through this. You two sound like you have a great relationship otherwise.

 

Thanks a lot I'd try and talk to her but he says that will upset her even more. She is at a point now where she pretends I don't exist. This woman used to ask about me every single day, to the point where he would get sick of it. That's how much she liked me. I sent them a xmas card for the holidays ( I always have done so ) she never made a point to read it, she knows about it but has ignored it. Recently she started a fight about how I'm jealous of her daughter/his sister and that I haven't even wished her Happy New year on facebook. My boyfriend told her about the xmas card, how she didn't even acknowledge it why would I say HNY to her? To that she says nothing. My bf feels bad because its fault, he shouldnt have said anything but he knows I didn't mean anything by it. I hate drama. His mom is actually even more pissed because he defends me. His dad is cool he understands but obviously stays out of this pathetic drama. We barely speak now me and my bf, he comes online to talk but I know him and I know he's depressed.

 

Thanks for reading me, it helps!

Responses/Replies are always welcome!!!

Edited January 20, 2013 by Mtlgrrl

[Mtlgrrl]

*bump**bump**bump**bump**bump**bump*

[LittleTiger]

As I see it this 'family issue' is the least of your problems. If your relationship with your bf was on an even keel, his family wouldn't be an issue.

 

I wonder if you are both using this family drama to distract you from the real crisis - the last time you were together you fought a lot, and you called off your wedding because of it. That's a pretty serious situation for any relationship.

 

You guys need to have a good long chat about what happens next - for the two of you! Forget about his mom and his sister and concentrate on what is really important - your relationship and how/if you are going to make it work.

 

The mom and sister situation will then be something you can deal with together - if you even consider it an issue at that point.

 

Good luck!

[Mtlgrrl]

Thanks for your reply! It actually is a big problem, it wouldn't be if he was living here with me but he is not, he is there involved with all of this chaos. The wedding issue is a big concern but how to get to point B if point A is in shambles? I am doing my best to ignore the mom and sister issues believe me. When it's not on facebook, its random fights that all end up being my fault. He is standing his ground and he has no problem defending me because he knows I'm not at fault and that the reason being all of this fighting is ridiculous. It is hurting our relationship, he's closing up and so distant. I'm worried because I can't do anything. I can't speak to his mom because he says that will make matters worse and I can't help him because I'm too far. I feel like dropping everything, getting an appartment over there and figure out what to do but I need $ and I have a job that I can't risk losing because it is my only income. *sigh

[LittleTiger]

Thanks for your reply! It actually is a big problem, it wouldn't be if he was living here with me but he is not, he is there involved with all of this chaos. The wedding issue is a big concern but how to get to point B if point A is in shambles? I am doing my best to ignore the mom and sister issues believe me. When it's not on facebook, its random fights that all end up being my fault. He is standing his ground and he has no problem defending me because he knows I'm not at fault and that the reason being all of this fighting is ridiculous. It is hurting our relationship, he's closing up and so distant. I'm worried because I can't do anything. I can't speak to his mom because he says that will make matters worse and I can't help him because I'm too far. I feel like dropping everything, getting an appartment over there and figure out what to do but I need $ and I have a job that I can't risk losing because it is my only income. *sigh

 

If your bf knows that you are not at fault and that the fighting is ridiculous, what is causing him to close up and become distant?

 

Either I'm missing something here or something doesn't add up. It takes two people to 'fight'. Can he not just refuse to play this silly game? If you can't delete them off Facebook, can't you at least delete his Mom and sister's feed so that you can't see what rubbish they are writing? It all sound incredibly immature.

 

Were all the arguments you had when you were together about his Mom and sister? If not, what were they about and why? Did you sort things out between you before you left or was there something still lingering? At this point you have no idea if he is being distant because of how things went during your visit or if it's the family thing. He could just be using it as an excuse.