Facebook will be the death of us...

[CA2TN4Love]

I'm a long time lurker, but this is my first post. Please be gentle, lol.

 

Background:

 

My SO and i have been talking since about June 2012. I spent four days with him in October 2012. We are 2000 miles apart, and I will be the one that will have to move in order to close the distance.

 

He is a guy I dated briefly in high school, and wouldn't you know it, we reconnected when i found him on Facebook. Now I hate that stupid website.

 

The Problem:

 

He keeps in contact with women he's dated and ex-girlfriends on FB. Every time one of them posts a new photo, he'll instantly "like" them and tells them they are beautiful. He doesn't even do that on mine!

 

If I post anything on his FB, he responds in public as if I'm just a buddy, but he'll PM me saying something completely different! I hate that. It makes me wonder if he's doing that with someone else.

 

I've expressed my concerns with him and he says that he has no desire to be with these women and he doesn't talk to them at all about having a relationship. Part of me believes him, but my instincts scream foul.

 

He stated that he doesn't respond to me romantically on his FB page because he doesn't want all of his friends to congratulate him, just to pity him later if it doesn't work. I think that's a little weak, but again, the red flag is still flying bright and strong. He stated that once I close the distance, he will have no problem letting everyone know that we are involved. My problem is that I feel nervous about sacrificing everything important to me here for someone who doesn't even feel we're serious enough to express it publicly.

 

I know that I'm being childish, but I have this lump in my stomach. He's told me that two of the women would be hurt if they found out we got together (he doesn't think we're "together" until I move to him), and that just makes me more paranoid. I feel like he doesn't want anyone to know about me so that he doesn't screw up his chances with these other women. I don't know what to do anymore.

 

I've considered messaging the women that I suspect he's hiding me from, just to find out if he's given them hope for the future as well, but that seems so sneaky.

 

Am I being way too dramatic? Should I just ignore my instincts? I'm naturally insecure anyway, but this long distance crap adds a whole new dimension. Blah.

 

Thanks for reading and for any advice that you're willing to offer.

[rys]

I've expressed my concerns with him and he says that he has no desire to be with these women and he doesn't talk to them at all about having a relationship. Part of me believes him, but my instincts scream foul.

 

there.

 

as a girl for, uhm, 33 years now , the proven best 'detector' would be your instinct.

 

 

btw, are you moving due to career/environment change or is it solely for him?

[wild wolf]

He doesn't think you're "together" until you move to him? I call bull**** and its time to cut your losses, honey.

[CA2TN4Love]

Thank you both for your quick responses.

 

Rys - That's my thought as well. My instincts are usually pretty accurate. My problem is that I've never been in a situation like this before. I was previously in an 18 year relationship and haven't had to deal with paranoia or insecurities for a long time. It makes me question myself, especially when he swears that it isn't what I think it is. But I just can't shake it off.

 

Yes, I would be moving for the sole purpose of being with him. He can't move my way because he has a 9 year old son who lives with him. His ex-wife wouldn't be too happy about that. I'd be leaving a fantastic job, my friends, my family and my son. My son is almost 18 and I'm not willing to leave until he's settled into his own life (a few years down the road). Other than this cloud of doubt as to his intentions with these other women, he's great. He's affectionate, hard working, understanding and respectful. He's sent me flowers at work and gave me a gift of jewelry when I visited. I just wish I didn't have this little voice in my head telling me that he's not being honest with me.

 

Wild wolf - I called BS as well. I think it's selfish of him to expect me to sacrifice all that's important to me while he doesn't sacrifice anything, and in fact, isn't even giving me 100% unless I make the move.

 

I just don't know what to do. The feelings are so strong. He's coming here in February for Valentines Day weekend. Should I snap a bunch of pics and then post something while he's traveling home, just to see how he reacts when he gets there? Is that too lame?

[Mtlgrrl]

I agree with whats being said. If he doesn't comments on your pictures or even ''like'' it's odd. Before moving with him I would make sure that you both want the same things. Being apart and he can't even be gracious on ''facebook'' ??? I find that very silly and disrespectful. It's not childish you are right to feel the way you are. I would be upset as well. You don't need to ''live'' with him to be in a relationship that's a really poor excuse. Watch out girl and listen to what your gut tells you!

[LittleTiger]

Massive RED FLAGS everywhere on this one!

 

Sorry, but you say you dated briefly in high school? How long ago was that if he now has a nine year old son? At least 10 years presumably?

 

You reconnected on Facebook and have spent only four days with him in total? He doesn't acknowledge your relationship on Facebook and even tells you he doesn't consider you together until you move?

 

I'm actually glad you posted this because it suggests you do have some common sense.

 

You don't even know this man and you are talking about uprooting your entire life to be with him?

 

I don't know him either but he sounds like a selfish, thoughtless jerk to me!

 

You are, presumably, a grown woman so don't be naive. You deserve better!

[rys]

I just don't know what to do. The feelings are so strong. He's coming here in February for Valentines Day weekend. Should I snap a bunch of pics and then post something while he's traveling home, just to see how he reacts when he gets there? Is that too lame?

 

it's not lame but have a strong heart in dealing with how he reacts.

 

there's so much doubt in this kind of relationship, it eats you up

[LittleTiger]

.....there's so much doubt in this kind of relationship, it eats you up

 

Anyone who is in a relationship with 'so much doubt ..... it eats you up' is not in the right relationship! LDR or not.

[CA2TN4Love]

I agree with what you all have said. Thank you so much for giving me your perspective which in turn makes me feel less neurotic.

 

He does like my photos, although he doesn't say much else. The fact that he compliments these women, while liking their pictures is what frustrates me. Especially the women that I know carry a torch for him. It makes me question his motives in doing so. I consider it showing interest, but that's just me.

 

LittleTiger - Thank you for being blunt. I have considered why I'm willing to put forth so much effort with him. I'm not moving out there tomorrow. It would be at least a couple of years, if that's the path I choose. I am a grown woman; however, I have no experience in an LDR, which is why I came here for advice. I just wanted to know whether my feelings were baseless or if presented with the same scenario, those of you with experience in an LDR would feel the same. This way, I can gain some trust in myself in an unusual circumstance.

 

I think that in any relationship, insecurities can be destructive, but I made it through a very long term relationship where my insecurities dissolved, so I know that with time, I build trust in a person. Some people can trust right away, others need proof that the person is trustworthy first. I am of the latter group. This LDR is difficult for even the most secure people, maybe I'm just not cut out for it.

 

When he comes out here in February, he and I are going to be doing some serious talking. We've booked a quiet and relaxing trip along the coast, so there won't be many distractions, and I'm going to have a serious heart to heart with him and where he sees this going. Then I'm going to let him know what my expectations are. If he doesn't agree, well, at least I've given him the chance.

 

I want this to work with him, but my needs are important. If he doesn't realize that, then he's not the right one for me.

 

Thank you all for not making me feel like a crazy psycho, because that's how I was beginning to feel.

[justwhoiam]

To me, it's very simple. He doesn't have to win your love, because you are in love with him already (that's a man's perspective, follow me). These other women are an option for him that he's not willing to give up. In his own mind, he's being wise. In a woman's mind, he's a perfect jerk.

 

I had the very same thoughts as Tiger's. You can't meet a man only for 4 days and leave everything you have to be with him. I mean, this is not a movie. Has he ever visited you with his son? Have you met his son? Do you get along with him? Are you ready to love his son as much as you love him? Even if he's going to be a terrible kid?

 

The FB thing is unacceptable to me. I don't think your needs are childish at all.

[CA2TN4Love]

Hi justwhoiam - I have a feeling that your perspective is spot on in regards to his reasoning, and that's what has been bothering me. I mean, I get it that he's insecure about our future as well, but I need him to give me 100% in order for me to feel secure in our future. I'll be talking to him about this, especially given the perspectives that you all have provided me.

 

In regards to his son, I spent four days with him as well. In fact, I spent most of one night just hanging out with his son. He's a fantastic, well mannered, funny child. I enjoyed my time very much with him. He reminded me a lot of my son when he was that age. He seemed to enjoy his time with me as well. He doesn't have a mother who's very involved, as he only gets to see her for Christmas break and half of the summer. His father and I talk on the phone daily, and his son always tells him to tell me hi and goodnight. I would have no problem accepting him and treating him as my own. I knew from the beginning that it is a package deal, and his father was adamant that his son like and accept me before we take it any further (as any father or mother should). I was nervous about it, but it was an effortless connection.

 

I'm going to have another discussion about the Facebook issue and it's not going to be an easy one. The last two times I've brought it up, he's managed to get me to question myself and I've relented, but I'll be sure to stand my ground now that I know it's not just my crazy mind playing tricks on me.

 

I so appreciate all of your insight and advice. This forum is priceless, and I'm so glad I found it.

[justwhoiam]

If I were you, I wouldn't bring anything up. Also, saying you want 100% from him is not realistic right now. I know you meant "in the couple" and I'm sure you didn't mean to take anything away from his son. I'm glad you love his son that much. But your words can be misinterpreted. So just be very careful about what you say.

 

Make your relationship visible on FB. He introduced you to his son and is ready to live with you. He can't be bothered about other people (friends or women) reading that you two are a couple now. Post a pic of the two of you together. Then you tell him on the phone: Oh, I posted a picture of us... I hope you don't mind.

 

Some women may get rid of him, others might get nasty, you never know... but it's better to open any pandora's box now. Don't you think?

[HeavenOrHell]

Can I just say, it's not facebook which is the death of r/ships it's the people in the r/ship who act in certain ways which is the death of r/ships.

Facebook itself isn't the problem.

[CA2TN4Love]

It actually was just a figure of speech. I didn't mean it literally. However, it was his actions on the site that disturbed me.

 

I sent an e-mail last night explaining my feelings and asking that we talk about them, either when he gets here in a few weeks or today on the phone. I woke up this morning to an e-mail from him explaining away my insecurities and a changed relationship status on Facebook, which he made public.

 

It's official, I'm neurotic.

 

Edited to add: I'd also like to say thank you to everyone who responded to my post. It allowed me to fully put my thoughts together and explain to him my concerns. I'm not sure I could have done that without the advice given above, so thank you!!

Edited January 21, 2013 by CA2TN4Love