What Now?

[b10]

Hey everybody!

I have been reading these forums for sometime now, especially after the breakup situation I will talk about in the following lines.

 

So story goes.... Sorry it's long.

 

It was around March of last year when I started to talk to this girl on accident. As pathetic as it sounds, I found her on accident by going through a random friends list and commented on a picture of her. Since that comment I knew it was special(again pathetic right?) and I would be with this girl for a long time. We were pretty far from each other, her being on the west coast of US and me being in the east coast. However, ironically we both have planned a long 3 month visit to the same place during summer. We kept talking, more and more everyday and it was perfect, we got along in the best way one could ask for. Nothing felt wrong. So summer came and in June we met in person for the first time. As we expected everything was good and it made our relationship much stronger if anything. We spent the whole summer together, happy and all that. Near the end of august I would have to leave and we talked about the future of the relationship. I, being afraid of myself, always ignored to talk about it but her being so positive about it made me feel better each time. I always remember, she told me "as long as your there, I'll be there." So we again seperated after an amazing summer. After seperating we knew it would be tough for both of us, with school and other personal problems. However, nothing felt bad or different we kept on talking, skype video calls for the most part. Nothing was going bad at all. Or so I thought, thing to mention is that her mother never approved the relationship, and was against it. During summer we faced many challenges because of this, in fact I got 3-4 messages from her mother saying I should leave her daughter alone. For no reason, I'm not saying this because it's me but I haven't even met her before she started being this way, psycho mom.. However, this again didnt affect our "love" and she stood up for the relationship many times. Anyways beginning in october everything started to become bad, not bad as in relationship started to end way but we started to fight, and now when I look back I realize how it was all of my fault. She cared so much for me and always supported me and I didn't quite do the same for her. I think I took her for granted. Not that I didn't love her, I love this girl, more than anybody, even now. But I just haven't been myself during these last months. So this continued until december 21st when we were again fighting and I told her "you're always negative so why dont we just do what you want and break up", so we did. Like a fool, it didn't hit me that we actually did. I still acted and thought everything was the same, she was my girl... until december 31st or new years night. Being far away, I can only call or text this girl as well as skype. That day I tried to talk to her but she said she was getting ready to go out to a party, and basically was cold to me. After hearing she is going to her friends boyfriends house and alcohol there I became frustrated. Being jealous, (since it still hasnt hit me) i told her what are you doing, i dont approve this. So that whole night I repeatedly called her, texted her, especially after hearing her say "I love you" it made me even want her more. Apparently I annoyed her as she said, and I blew up on her with an offensive text message, which I regret sending. That night was the last night I talked to that girl I loved. Since the next morning that person disappeared and got replaced by an heartless creature. First she told me I still love you but I want freedom give me space and time, then I love you but not like that, then Lets still be friends, to lets not talk as of now.. Hearing those things made me realize what was happening and it hit me. Worst 2 weeks of my life they were. Realizing I lost the person I cared so much about. Worst part is I blame myself for causing all of this, she really deserved to be treated better. I kept trying to win her back, telling her I'm going to be different and all that.. Nothing changed. I finally decided to take a trip there to where she is, I was about to book my flight when I decided to talk to her before I did. During that talk I told her how I dont understand whats going on, and told her im coming so we can talk face to face. She said "I dont want you" and I kept trying to convince her.. Then she told me the cold truth, she said"Im gonna tell you something thats gonna change you whole view on this," and I knew it in my heart, "that new years night I kissed another guy, because I was really mad at you, and I was drunk". I didnt take that bull**** and hung up on her. This was 2 weeks ago, ever since I still send her messages once in a while but she hasnt changed. She doesnt talk to me, she acts like I wasnt the person that we shared everything with for almost the whole last year. Something inside of me tells me to keep fighting and its worth it but I dont know what to do anymore. Im not in that depressed period anymore, Im seeing the reality but i dont wanna move on and forget the girl. What should I do? Sorry for the long post..

[Empath]

Heya b10,

 

Yes, it sounds like insecurity got the best of you at times. But for the rest, it's an echo of what -- I'm guessing -- the vast majority of people will have been through. I say this because I get the impression you are being a little too hard on yourself. Don't let the guilt eat away at your confidence.

 

When you're stripped of a comfort zone, it's natural to feel bare and vulnerable. These feelings of guilt (taking her for granted, being possessive e.t.c) are realizations that are normal after a traumatic event. Chalk up your mistakes, but don't idolize her in the process. Remember: There were reasons you weren’t happy either. Don't polish the statue.

 

Here's what I suggest you do (take it with a lot of salt): Shore yourself up. Put yourself first and give yourself a little time before contacting further. Reconciliation won't happen if you're towing a conga-line of emotional baggage. A little bit of time and space is not going to drive her further away than she already is, if anything, it may have the reverse effect (if she isn't terminally over it). Sadly, familiarity often breeds complacency and contempt (as you freely admit by taking her for granted -- but don't for one second think it was entirely one-sided).

 

Move on with your life, mix things up, and regain your confidence. One you feel better about things send her a direct, unadorned message without using one-liners as bait. Be dignified and direct. Let her know how you feel.

 

There's really nothing else you can do. In the meantime, keep moving.

[b10]

I appreciate you response. But like I said when I think about it with the right mindset it's really obvious that I could have done a lot of things better, I am surprised honestly that she could last this long. But again as Ive said it wasnt anything on purpose and I loved her. I guess I'll just not talk to her for a while, this will be hard. Whatever is meant to happen will happen anyways. I just wish I didnt have to lose her to learn my lessons.