Unsure of what to plan for next

[Wonderlandless]

I've posted before, but to give everyone a bit of background facts:

 

- I'm 26, he's 29.

- He lives in Boston, I live in Kentucky. We met via a mutual friend back in August.

- He is in a band that is doing very well for themselves (won a Billboard award last year, a couple of VMAs and just had a song placed in an international ad for Samsung coming out very soon) so he is very busy, but always makes time to talk/text/skype me whenever. No one in the band is into sleeping around/drugs (besides pot) or groupies and all are in committed relationships, so that isn't my worry at all.

- He's visited me a few times, I've visited him a few times.

 

It used to be that we would chat for hours every single day, then call each other for hours afterward. This was, of course, at the start of the relationship so it is to be expected that we can not maintain that level of steam. He still is often first to initiate conversation, wish me good morning or tell me about his day (I try not to IM him first because I don't want to seem like I am pestering him). During his recent West Coast tour over NYE we still chatted, he called me from the beach to hear the ocean, called each other at midnight on NYE, etc. When he came back he was attentive.

 

However, tonight we got into a discussion about my next trip to Boston. During our last skype conversation on Tuesday he told me to hold off on buying a ticket because he is unsure of when he will be fully available.

 

Tonight I brought it up again since I work a job where I have to report to a boss and give them notice. During our conversation I tried to figure out dates, and he said I should push it back to beginning of Feburary and I should shorten it to 4-5 days instead of 6-7 like usual because they are about to start being extremely busy with touring, logistics of touring and meetings and all kinds of things. He said I should plan for the weekend when he will be home, and 4-5 days because he felt like last time I was here he needed a bit of space because "being with someone 24/7 no more than 10 feet from you for 6 days is intense". I was kind of hurt by that, considering he was all over me during that week and it had been the first time we'd seen each other since five weeks. I know he is a loner who is used to being on his own a lot, as am I. I told him he could have told me he needed some me time and I would understand and go out to find something to do for a few hours. It wasn't so much the fact that he felt like he needed some alone time that hurt, but the fact he couldn't tell me.

 

So anyway, our conversation progressed and I asked if he still thinks me moving to Boston in May is a good idea. He said "I honestly don't know. I'd like you to but a billion things could happen between now and then...we may want to be married by then, we may hate eachother, I might run off and join a circus...I have no idea. You know I am bad at long term planning, and even more so with all the added pressures from this up coming tour schedule." I told him I have one goal right now and that is to save up enough money so I can move to Boston and find my own place (he originally wanted us to live together but I said no), have a cushion until I find a job and get set up. He said he liked my plan.

 

Afterward I was feeling very insecure and asked him if he still loved me (which was stupid on my part). He said yes, of course. It was then I sort of broke out my fears that I am not good enough for him and that he is going to realize that: I work at a dry cleaner for minimum wage, and about to pick up a night job so I can save money faster to be closer to him (he knows this), I told him I'm not a model, or a socialite, or some rich daddy's girl who travels the world with a glamorous life... you know, the kinds of girls who should be dating rockstars. He then told me that he is worried he is not good enough for me, and I will get sick of him because he is a recluse who is not very good at maintaining relationships with anyone, be it work, family or girls and doesn't work very hard at maintaining relationships. He's worried I will get sick of him and just leave.

 

He knows I am very low maintenance and likes that a lot. I told him ultimately I want us to be happy, and he said "I think we are".

 

He then said he really wants to come out to my homestate and see where I lived, grew up, etc. He's mentioned it before, but said so again after our conversation.

 

So, I need a fresh, outside opinion. What do you think?

[umirano]

Doesn't sound too bad. I'd give him his space, i.e. don't push for a longer stay or moving in quickly. You're together for less than a year. Give your relationship a bit more time. It would suck if you moved up to Boston and you'd break up soon after that.

 

It is possible that he's truly scared of the upcoming tour, so just let him handle this in peace, show him that you're understanding and cooperative by complying with his request. And if he truly loves you, next time he will come around and ask you to stay longer.

 

On the other hand, if you're pushy now, and if he can't handle the stress, it will take a toll on your relationship.

 

Another upside of going slowly: A high chance of finding out about problems in the relationship before one or both of you make huge commitments.

 

I found the same thing, when my GF and I stay together for 7 or more days, we could get on each others nerves, so it's not unusual in LDRs, they just are way more intense. And I agree with you, giving each other space every so often for a couple of hours doesn't hurt at all.

 

Good luck!

[amayana]

Is your boyfriend a group member of Gentlemen Hall? (I'm taking a wild guess here!) If he is, I like their sound

 

I agree with umirano although I understand that it hurts when someone asks for additional me time in a long-distance relationship... However, he seems like he's very busy and the upcoming tour and everything might not leave him much time for himself. It sounds very stressful. And he appears to be the kind of person who needs solitude every once in a while.

 

He should've told you straight away that 6 days seemed too much for him... But I guess he didn't want to hurt you but telling you later and not in person is not the greatest. I feel like you're trying to look out for him more than he is doing it for you. I might be wrong but that's how it sounds to me.

 

It's up to you if you want to make that move. Nobody, not your boyfriend, will be able to tell you if you'll still be together. It's hard to plan ahead so much in long-distance relationships but taking a risk is almost always worth it.

Edited January 12, 2013 by amayana

[Wonderlandless]

Oh no! I've been discovered! Haha yes, he is indeed a member of Gentlemen Hall. Cool to know they have a fan in the UK (shameless plug, but did you hear the new track for the Samsung commercial I mentioned "Sail into the sun"? They just released it today).

 

We talked a bit about it. I told him I was more hurt by the fact he felt like he couldn't tell me that he needed some space while I was there more than the fact it would have hurt if he said it. I told him that being a loner myself I can totally understand, but I enjoy hanging out a lot because I don't get to see him much. He said he felt like that it would be a rude thing to say to someone who came all the way to see him. I told him I don't ever want him to not feel like he can't tell me something, because communication is key in a relationship and blah blah. He apologized and said he didn't even think he was keeping anything from me, but realizes that he did and he will be more open.

 

We've spent 6 days together a few times before without trouble so I guess he felt like we could do it again. That is the root that worries me. Did something change? Are we moving past the 'omg gotta have you glued to me 24-7' phase? He is for sure someone who is very used to and enjoys his solitude and has told me before it is difficult it is for him to not get distant with people because he just doesn't crave too much interaction.

 

Yeah, he seems supportive of the move, and he has always warned me that he is awful with planning ahead and has always reminded me that things can change in an instant. Drives me up the wall but he is worth it.

 

Umirano:

 

He originally wanted me to move in with him but I said no, because I didn't think it would be a wise move. I love him but I don't want to rush into anything. I feel like having our own separate places for a time while I am in Boston is the right thing. He has known about my move for awhile now, and his opinion hasn't changed: he wants me to come, but can not give me a solid answer since he can not plan ahead.

 

Yeah, I admit, there were a few times when we were hanging out for days straight on end I kind of wanted to just get away for a bit. Its so cold and rainy in Boston that we just stay in his room, so it makes it even harder! I mean, 6 days is hard for me too, because of work. I guess I should be happy he wants to see me at all (he suggested I focus my stays mainly over the weekends so he will be around and not working/doing band stuff all day and stressed from it at night).

 

I always try to be peaceful with him. I'm not a doormat, but I also know my anxieties are 99% unfounded, so I usually don't let it out on him. I just am supportive and let him know I am there for him. He still wants to come to Kentucky and see where I live (I was living in Chicago when we met originally and where he visited me) but I know it is easier for me to see him, so I always offer.

Edited January 12, 2013 by Wonderlandless