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Girlfriend Moving Away


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My girlfriend and I have been dating for 2 years now. We live on the east coast and I recently found out she more than likely is moving to the other side of the country. We both are in college. We both started off in community college together and I ended up transferring to a college 2 1/2 hours away and finished my first semester. The 2 1/2 hours away honestly wasn't hard at all. But what I'm scared of is her moving to another state. She's planning on coming back here after two years when she finished up college but either way if we're still together I don't mind moving if she cant. I'm just afraid of her finding someone else if she moves. Neither of us have had a relationship past 5 months before and this is our first serious committed relationship. She told me not to be insecure and she's not looking for anything better and is happy with me. She's a very mature girl. When she's single her idea of fun is just partying and chilling not hookups and she never goes looking for guys ever. For some reason in my mind I keep thinking she'll find someone else and it's tearing me up. I want us to work. I'm 21 and she's 20.

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She sounds like a person who can be trusted and is constant and reliable enough. You have to believe in her. Plan to visit as often as possible and maintain daily contact. A few texts throughout the day and a phone call at night will keep the connection alive if two people are committed. I would also suggest that you figure out how to deal with the insecurity issues and don't project them onto her. You want her to see you as strong and reliable.

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I agree what I'm scared of is her being in a new environment and then drifting away from me/finding someone else. I don't know what to get over my insecurities. Even though I'm only 21 this is the kind of girl I've always wanted to be with and marry

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I don't think anyone can give you a magic formula that will make insecurities and anxiety go away... but, one of the best things I've learned, having been on the planet a lot longer than you, is that you must simply learn to accept that there are many thing in life that are beyond your ability to influence or control, and that worrying about those things will undermine your ability to enjoy the wonders that are presented to you as a gift in each moment of living. If you want to be happy and live fully, you must learn to ok with ambiguity.

 

And the second most valuable thing, which dovetails nicely with the first, is learning to think rationally. Emotional overreactions can be controlled by learning this discipline.

 

Emotions are caused by thoughts, and thoughts are based on beliefs. When you find yourself having an emotional reaction you identify the thought that triggered the emotion. At first this may be hard to do but with practice you get better at it and eventually you will be able to observe your own thoughts as they are generated and immediately subdue the ones that are irrational, which usually means unhealthy. Once you have identified the thought you assess whether it is rational or irrational. If the emotion it triggered was anxiety it was almost surely irrational. Then you ask yourself what belief do I hold that caused an irrational thought to be generated. Beliefs are harder to deal with than thoughts because they are integrated into our world view, personality and concept of reality. Sometimes it's hard to realize what belief is the problem. Other times you can see what it is but have trouble changing it. In every case, it is impossible to simply erase a belief; you must replace it or amend it with the corrected version, which is based on what actually is rather than what you fear. When you have identified the belief that generated the thought that triggered the emotion, you dispel the irrational belief by breaking it down to it's simplest form and attacking it as being faulty or absurd... and replacing it with one that is accurate and will serve you well.

 

You said, "this is the kind of girl I've always wanted to be with and marry." Ok I have to admit that this is good phrasing because it doesn't include absolutes or black and white thinking. Even so, let's assume it is based on a faulty belief. That belief could be, "my life will be over if I lose her", or "this is the only woman I could ever love." Both of those are simply not true and can easily be dispelled. An accurate version would be something like, "she has the potential to be a wonderful wife," or "I love her and hope it works out, but there are many women in the world that are loving and lovable."

 

I think you can see the concept even though it's a rather short description. This is called Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy, developed by Dr. Albert Ellis about 40 years ago. His original book is called Guide to Rational Living, and it's worth owing and keeping on the bookshelf forever. He wrote several follow ups but I don't think you need more than one. The concept is simple which make it doable and effective.

 

Anxiety is caused by your consciousness attempting to inhabit the future, which is not possible. Depression is dwelling in the past and continuing to experience pain and grief of earlier experience. Happiness, fulfillment and joy are experienced in the moment. Learning to live rationally and in the moment will enhance your life and alleviate much fear and anxiety.

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Yes I really need to get over these negative thoughts and I can't say I won't live without her cause I obviously will have to if we don't make it. But I be honest my mind is set on her. I'm just so afraid of being cheated on and left. She has no history of hookups or anything like that. I was the first guy she ever slept with and on top of that she doesn't care for sex, we had a good year gap before we had physical relations again. She had been in the other state before for a year and finished up high school and didn't date anyone she was still into her ex who she had had to break up with because he was talking to his ex. It took her a year to get over him and they only dated about a month or two. I don't know why I'm so scared of her being in the college environment with guys who will more than likely try to take advantage of the gap between us or even use alcohol to bring her guard down

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