Can't tell if we are over or not?

[Jojo67]

Me and my long distance boyfriend got back together at the beginning of December and things were going good, but he was always busy with school work so we couldn't talk as much but I was okay with that because it was almost winter break, so the other day we were texting, and I simply asked him a question about us seeing each other but i wasn't nagging him to come see me, but all of a sudden he got mad and said "this annoys the **** out of me. I'm busy with school and right now I'm with family." Then he sent another one saying "you know what. Keep doubting it. I'm done" but how did that annoy him, this was the first time i asked him. so then i texted him telling him how I felt and he just ignored all my texts, and I felt really hurt, but I was wondering, is he ignoring me because we are over, or is he just mad and blowing off steam before we talk again? It's also the holidays so I understand he has to spend time with his family too but it's bothering me because I don't know if that was his way of breaking up with me or if he's just mad because I asked him while he was busy with family.

[veggirl]

What a jerk. So you've been back together less than a month and basically been walking on eggshells the whole time? Busy with school? Isn't it winter break?

 

"Keep doubting, I'm done"...you'd be okay with someone saying that s.hit as a way to 'blow off steam'?!?! Forget him! He's not interested in this relationship--don't send texts about your feelings after someone basically tells you to eff off.

[tori0001]

The only way you're going to know is by asking him, so you're not wondering.

[Jojo67]

Well when we got back together he was busy with school but our communication was fine and I agreed to get back with him because I still loved him, but he can get mad quite easily because he has bipolar but he tries to stay calm when he talks to me but I really don't know what happened, it was so sudden and over a simple question, I know that my friends have asked him about it too but that was all them, I did not tell them to ask him or anything so that might have something to do with it. I know he's busy with family so maybe he thinks I was nagging him to stop what he's doing and come see me. I just really hope we aren't over, I rather he just be annoyed. I know it's stupid to let him talk to me like that but he's actually a really sweet guy to me.

[coffeebean201]

People often blow off steam with their significant other - even if it is long distance.

 

But it is no longer a relationship when you no longer feel loved and cared for. And anything you say about the situation is interpreted as "nagging" and he is always "busy with something else".

[Jojo67]

Well I tried talking to him but he's ignoring me so there's really no point in asking him, I'll just give him a couple days and see how things go, let him spend time with his family because he has not seen them for a few months.

[Jojo67]

Well I do feel loved and cared for, I just don't know why he got so mad over that.

[veggirl]

Yeah he doesn't sound so sweet.

 

And no, normal healthy people actually don't take things out on their SO cause they realize their SO is not to blame for their personal problems.

 

I don't know any boyfriend who actually loves his girlfriend and doesn't wanna at least talk to her on the holidays. Sorry. He's a jerk.

[NoMoreJerks]

I had an almost identical situation with my bf a week ago, which led to him dumping me (or so I think -- unless he had made up his mind already and was just trying to get me to blow up on him and use that as an excuse to dump me).

 

In my case, he had promised me he would come visit me over the holiday, on December 24 or December 25th. He kept saying he was too busy to book a flight though, because he was working double shifts every day. Then he claimed his laptop monitor died (which I believe may have been true since his monitor WAS acting up when he was here), so he didn't have a laptop to book the flight online (he was in another country so he couldn't drop by a local flight agency either). By the time he did have "time" to book the flight, the prices of tickets had skyrocketed. But I did find some fairly cheap ones ($200 more expensive than the cheapest it would've been) but he kept coming up with excuses (the times of the flights are bad, etc.). In the end, I got really annoyed and felt like he never intended to come visit me, and felt like he was just playing games, and it cost me a Christmas vacation with my sister in Boston. I didn't book my flight to go see my sister, because he had promised to visit me, and I usually go spend time with my sis during throughout the holidays, until after New Year's eve, which would've meant that if I had booked my flight, he wouldn't have been able to come anyway. So I was a bit annoyed, and when he said that he'd come mid-January cos his job in Thailand had been cancelled, I ignored his text. We had a fight about it on the phone, where he yelled at me and accused me of wanting him to spend 1200 pounds to come visit me. He then hung up on me.... Anyway, I tried making things better by begging and pleading and apologizing, and said, come whenever you can, etc. But I think by then the damage had been done. He was being manipulative, though. The least he should've done was apologize for things not having worked out with the flight booking. I wouldn't have gotten mad if he had apologized. But he didn't even sound like he was sad or sorry, let alone actually apologizing for it. Anyway, he turned it around , and turned the whole thing against me, made it look like I was being abusive and didn't appreciate his efforts/took him for granted, etc. What a manipulative *sshole. But after lots of apologizing on my part, things got back to normal, or at least close to normal -- or so I thought. but I think he was prepping his exit by then, and 3 days ago, dumped me via text, saying that he couldn't make me happy, that I was too moody, that I always tried to start arguments, that talking to me was like going through a minefield, that he's too stressed with work and I was too busy worrying about my feelings instead of being supportive (which are lies, I talked to him every day , gave him support, encouraged him, etc)..... etc. :sick::sick:

Edited December 26, 2012 by NoMoreJerks

[Jojo67]

Ugh why are some people so heartless! I still don't know if we are over or not, like he tried hard to get me back then he pulls this? What the hell! He told me he loved me when he weren't together anymore and it made me rather upset because after I thought we'd never talk again but two weeks later, he tried to get me back and I really wanted to be with him. He honestly was the perfect guy for me and treated me so special but now, I seriously don't know what went wrong, he even told me I made a huge difference in his life. He was afraid to love after being hurt but when he found me, everything changed. He hasn't talk to anyone "so perfect" in his life. Couple months in when he started college and starting getting more stressed is when things took a turn for the worst. He texted me one morning telling me it was over with no explaination so I tried to talk to him about it and finally I just gave up because he was being utterly rude and we didn't talk for two weeks, and honestly it really hurt, and I'm hurting quite a bit now even. I honestly thought things were completely over, then he starts messaging on msn and I tried to have a casual conversation with him then that's when the I love you was said, my was I surprised, he knew I has hurt, and according to a friend of mine, he was really hurt himself saying he wish he never left me, after he was really afraid to talk to me after that so he tried talking to my friend about getting me back and so we talked and because I still love him, I thought I'd give him another chance. Boy am I ever stupid to do that.

 

Hey NoMoreJerks, long distance can be tough hey? But I hope you find a guy who will treat you like a princess

Edited December 26, 2012 by Jojo67

[NoMoreJerks]

Hi Jojo, sorry to say this, but from what you described, looks like your bf (ex?) has issues that he needs to sort out. Those are not your issues/problems, it's his problems/demons, yeah? Keep that in mind. Some people will truly appreciate being given a second chance. The funny thing is that those who truly regret their decision to dump their bf/gf, are those that never really get a second chance whereas those that are simply unsure and/or playing games are those that get second, third, fourth, chances but who ruin them time and again.. I gave my bf a second chance too, after our first break-up. That wasn't the first time he had threatened to break up, but it was the first time we went NC for a week.. after that, he came back, and he said it wasn't a break-up but a break... then, a few months went by, and he threatened break-up again (last week). I begged and pleaded, and he changed his mind. Then, a few days later, he dumped me, this time for good. But you know what? He's flaky, that's all. He wasn't sure. He wasn't in love with me, and wasn't sure if he should keep on being with me, especially in a LDR and especially when he felt like he didn't want to put in ANY effort (because he wasn't interested in a relationship, just sex/companionship when he visited my country for work)... Truth is, someone who loves you might **** up once, but they will be immensely grateful for a second chance, will even beg for it, and treat you 10,000 times better than in the past, and will NOT leave you again like that.

[salparadise]

Some people are confused, clueless as to what they want, and prone to instability in interpersonal relationships. When you get involved with one of these people it's a mistake to think that you are the problem or that you can fix it by trying harder. You also can't fix it by compromising what you need from a relationship because whatever it is they say the issues is not really the issue. Instead, the drama will resurface and you'll have to ride that roller coaster again and give up more of what is important to you to keep it together. This is called a dysfunctional relationship. Not only does it make you miserable in the present, it obviates the possibility of having a relationship in which you are honored and respected and your needs are met. You will have to find a way to put the feelings of attachment aside to do what's best for you. Applying the label and realizing that it's not your fault and that you can't fix it helps tremendously. Good luck.

[NoMoreJerks]

Some people are confused, clueless as to what they want, and prone to instability in interpersonal relationships. When you get involved with one of these people it's a mistake to think that you are the problem or that you can fix it by trying harder. You also can't fix it by compromising what you need from a relationship because whatever it is they say the issues is not really the issue. Instead, the drama will resurface and you'll have to ride that roller coaster again and give up more of what is important to you to keep it together.

This!!!!!!!!!

[Jojo67]

Thanks you guys for taking time out of your day to reply to me. I really appreciate it this has been so tough on me because he is my first boyfriend so this has been the first time I've ever experienced a "heart break", I thought things were going to be fine but after him ignoring me, I think it's best to just leave him be until he decides to contact me, it hurts, it really does but I can't let one guy ruin my happiness and stop me from doing the things I do, so if he really loves me like he keeps saying, maybe things will change, hopefully, if not. I'm definitely moving on and find someone who truly loves and cares about me as much as I love and care about them.

[veggirl]

Why would things randomly change now? They haven't so far!

 

Why don't YOU dump HIM? Then you know it's over.

[Ninjainpajamas]

He sounds done to me, I think he just felt this emptiness when you broke up with is normal for men, especially after finding out the grass isn't greener on the other side, during this moment he built you up to be this perfect girl that he let go and had to get back...however once the chase was over he'll just resort to his same ole tactics and behavior.

 

Sorry, but this relationship isn't going anywhere, and even if it did it's going to be limping along on two wheels while on fire...you'll just have to ask yourself if you're the kind of girl that rides in that kind of a car (relationship) or you get out of it when you know it isn't what you want or you're looking for...your strength, fortitude, common sense will be test, if you're just the typical in love girl fighting for this relationship because hopefully one day magically things will work out, then take a number and get in line, because look around you, there's plenty of women like you being strung along by men half invested.

[Jojo67]

I guess I was trying to be hopeful because I really want to see him and he kept telling me how much he wanted to see me and such so it got my hopes up but I guess it's getting to the point where it's not worth it anymore, and I'm starting to accept the fact that I need to move on, but I love him so much so it's just really hard but I rather work on myself and move on then get hurt continuously by the same guy. It would be amazing if he does keep his promise and visit me like planned before getting mad at me, I would actually really love that but oh well, still got a week until he planned to come so we'll see a test to see how much he really does love me after all the time he spent trying to make me even like him but hey, nobody said that 19 year olds aren't immature. I truly miss the person he once was, the 8 months that we were talking (knew him a little longer than that but didn't talk then), I don't think anyone has ever made me as happy as he did, he treated me so special and sent me the cutest messages all the time and the first 4 months that we were actually a couple, was amazing but once he started getting stressed from school, wow did things change. I wish things didn't chance but **** happen, good or bad, but me and him went through a lot together that made our relationship stronger than ever but just these last few weeks, things just haven't been the same, he broke up with me because he couldn't do the distance then realizes he rather be with me and wait then not be with me at all, so I really don't get why he's being like this.

Thanks for all of your input and putting up with my rambling haha. Reading your guys opinions are really helping me get over things, makes me definitely think I deserve better than this.

[Ninjainpajamas]

If you're easily wound up in the words and empty promises of men it's going to be a loooooong road for you in your love life. I hope at 19 you learn now that words come cheap and so does that initial pop of intensity that you have with someone in the beginning that sometimes last a few days, weeks or month or maybe even a few years...but sooner or later the core of a relationship will be tested because in order for relationships to last they need a level of commitment, willingness and dedication that comes from within.

 

Look...you're young and so are you, there's going to be a lot of these, this is just your first taste of it, if you let it sweep you into this world of "forever" you're basically going to be in your own head with guys while they cut you short...for maybe even the rest of your life, is that what you want? If not best strong and wise enough to trust your gut and walk away before it gets to that point or else you have yourself partly to blame, because you'll always know when something isn't right or it's time...it's those feelings that will drag you through these kind of relationships with guys...which honestly are just something you've got to learn and figure out for yourself or history may repeat itself.

 

It takes a lot to make a lasting relationship, don't place your hopes on that too much...and I say that knowing perfectly well you still will, because you seem like the type that will just lean on hope and go with that feeling of what you think of love, just because you miss someone.

 

But eventually you'll learn...maybe now, however likely years from now and look back and realize that this was nothing in the big picture and that love is about way more than you realize now, this is just simply someone your age is likely to go through, but to be honest with you...ten years from now you won't even remember it, hell probably even 3 or 4 years...so just take a breathe and don't be afraid of what happens here, I know it sounds cold, but it's really not going to matter in the future...have fun in your life, date different guys, learn all the things they do different and the majority that they do the same, then you won't be so blown away when a guy makes you feel a certain way, you'll just realize in the end that most of it was just BS.

 

Don't believe everything men/boys tell you, they only tell you half the truth and trust me, you probably couldn't handle the truth and more likely be in denial of it because of how you "feel" for them once your feelings are invested anyway...like "no i know you love me, i know what we have, you don't remember or realize what you're saying, give us a chance!". If you figure that out, it'll make you wiser than many women even double your age.

 

But at 19, most of this will go in one ear and out the other, but try to remember what you can

[Jojo67]

Ninjapajamas, thank you so much. What you posted honestly made me feel so much better. I am beginning to think that I am strong enough to walk away even though I love him, but it's not worth the pain. I've never been the one to trust people that easily but when I got to know him, he was really easy to trust but I guess once you've been hurt by them, nothing is ever the same. I don't really miss him but I miss our memories, and I do have a hard time believing that he loves me. The first time he said it, it sounded really sincere and I tried not to believe it just yet but finally I started to believe because the way he was with me, and I started to love him too, but now, I don't even know what's up with him, what was the point in getting me back and telling me he loves me if he is just going to treat me like this now. I told him to not say I love you if he doesn't mean it and to not lie to me about me wasting my time, and it seemed like it really got to him and he made sure I knew that he loved me but then just the last week, what happens, he gets mad because I want to spend time with him. I wasn't telling him to stop his life to hangout with me. It really does hurt and bother me, but by now, it's really time to move on because I doubt he's going to be mature enough to have a conversation with me about our relationship.

[Ninjainpajamas]

The person you trust or people you trust will not necessarily be the most trustworthy people. Often times you give your trust to the wrong people and hold your trust from the people that proved themselves. You have to realize that you decide in your own head whether someone earns your trust, but in actuality most of the time it's because you wanted to give it...not because the person asked for it, and if a person asks for your trust without any effort then beware.

 

You also need to realize that people say things in the moment often and once that first "I love you" comes out then it's almost an obligation to keep it going, it doesn't mean "forever" or "magical" like most people like to make it out to be...It's just another good experience where you overreact a little bit because in that moment emotions are so high, it's like that exhiliration of that fast rollercoaster or that moment you spent with family or friends and said you should do it again but never did or do again. Always take things for that moment...they don't guarantee tomorrow or even next year....young women often get swept away easily, they have their tiny wall up at first, but once a half decent guy comes out and earns her trust then everything means so much...when it really doesn't.

 

I know you think what you have now is special and love, but most of us have been through that and with several people....you'll learn that to as you get older and meet all these guys you though were something then fizzled out and then you'll notice the pattern....that is if you're the type to pick these type of guys which from the sound of it might be the case, because you have to know when to walk away and if you don't want to be the typical love fool kinda girl, then learn to detach yourself when you need to or you'll just be int he same boat with many other women and really no different, even though right now it seems to unique and special to you, I know it is because of your feelings but in reality, in the bigger picture, you're just going through the motions...so walking away isn't that bad of an idea, you have to get used to letting things go instead of holding on tighter to them, something that wants you has to be there on it's own free will.

 

There's something better than what you're settling for right now...sometimes your faith in love is all that will guide you forward and get you out of these many other situations you'll encounter in your life with men who will pretend to love you or have more feelings for you than they ever really did...they're still learning like you are.

[Njeanne]

Long Distance Relationships are confussing... Mine broke up with me just two weeks ago, pretending all cold and saying he is happier when I'm not around, that we are too different/world views and that he doesn't wanna spend his life with me. Yesterday would've been first time he'd fly to my country to spend time with me.

 

Week later he sends me a msg saying "be brave and strong and you'll get through this ordeal" which got me furious so I told him he never loved me and he said he did but it gradually came lower.

 

Imo it's still bull**** because we were friends for a year, knew so much about one another and he confessed his feelings, which I rejected. Five months he followed me till I finally gave in and suddenly after four months his feelings gradually slipped? He never told me how he felt, kept it to himself...still bought plane ticket... then became distance when Uni started to pick up and broke up after his final exam day.

 

I'm stronger after two weeks, but...he I miss him more as a friend then anything else... It's hard... From loving and sweet to cold...I guess he took his time to think about it...

 

I'm merely pissed at him keeping quiet for two months, since he said he think it started in October. Making me fall for him more and more and more... What is up with that... He was hurt too when he broke up with me, he couldn't do it on call, but IM, he started getting drunk he said because he felt horrible saying it.

 

I'm still confussed...but I guess...he never loved me...if he did...he would've told me about it no? How can we suddenly be too different... he is well educated and I'm not, so ye there are things he has to explain too me, but... Maybe it's because there is so much movies/shows he watches that I don't like....or maybe different music taste... Or maybe I'm too immature, while he is so mature...

 

sigh... -.-

 

I hope it'll work out for you OP.

[Jojo67]

Sigh, I guess we will not be seeing each other. I've realized I don't have as strong of feelings for him anymore and I know that his feelings aren't strong for me anymore either but the fact that I won't be meeting him is killing me inside especially because this week is going to be the first time we would've been spending time together but because of his not as strong feelings, he doesn't want to. He's been acting so heartless and cold towards me until I decided to not bother talking to him anymore but he keeps talking to my friend and about me like he hasn't moved on but he doesn't want to meet me? I just don't get it. All my friends think he's being selfish because he's only caring about himself and not how I feel, he acts like my feelings are a joke but says to my friend that he loves me blah blah blah. Has anyone ever had a success story where your long distance ex's feelings have become strong again? Does anyone think he will miss me and want to eventually see me? He use to always talk about how much he wanted to be with me, to hold me, to kiss me? but now he doesn't want to meet me after all this time? I know i should be moving on but it's so hard when he keeps talking to my friend about me and saying all these things. He is a very confusing person.

[salparadise]

He use to always talk about how much he wanted to be with me, to hold me, to kiss me? but now he doesn't want to meet me after all this time? I know i should be moving on but it's so hard when he keeps talking to my friend about me and saying all these things. He is a very confusing person.

 

There is no congruency between the words and behavior. And you're right about your feelings not being part of the equation. Realistically, what do you think the chances are of this turning into a beautiful, fulfilling, stable relationship? Uh huh. So the options are a) let go and move on, or b) allow him to dominate and manipulate your emotions until... what?

[Jojo67]

It's just bothers me that he got my hopes up all this time and just crushed it, he tried so hard for me to fall for him because he wanted me to love him like he loved me but all of a sudden he changes his mind once I fall hard for him? It's not like I did anything wrong but the way he's acting seems as if he has no fault. All I want to be able to do is move on and not feel so ****ty anymore but it just hurts so much. I know that our relationship may never work out again but I'm just stuck on wanting to meet him, which I find so stupid but I can't help it. Ugh. What was the point in begging for me back.... To lead me on and hurt me again? Gosh.