Studying abroad

[czen]

I'll try to keep this story short:

I've had a LDR girlfriend for nearly a year now, she lives in the UK, I live in the Netherlands. We try to see each other as much as possible, although it's kinda hard since we both study at a university. It's especially hard for her, since she has severe trust issues and she has some mental issues causing her to get sad and in a depressive state quite easily. I've been coping with this, sometimes it drives me crazy, as she can get quite insulting when this happens. But aside from this, things have been great between us. She repeatedly told me she thinks I'm her 'One' and that she could see us having a life together.

 

Only now a new thing has popped up: my university allowed me into their exchange programme so I can study abroad in the US for half a year or so. Something I've wanted for a very long time. When I told her about my application she said she would leave me if I got in. She stated several reasons, such as that we won't be able to see each other then, that she would go crazy from thinking I'm cheating on her, I would change from the experience, etc. She says that she doesn't want to leave me, but she has no other choice then. When I talked to her a bit more about it, she calmed down a bit and retracted her words somewhat, but she still was really concerned. I know some couples here have to do without each other for longer than 5-6 months, so some might think she's being a bit of a wussy, but my girlfriend kinda has it harder because of her mental and trust issues so...

 

Anyways, I don't want her to leave me, but I also don't want to give up this opportunity. I believe/know that we'll make it if I go study abroad, but I want her to believe that as well. Anybody got advice on this situation?

[HeavenOrHell]

Hey, I'm in the UK and my partner's in the Netherlands

 

Sorry to hear about your situation, it must be really hard on you if she has severe trust issues, I have to be honest I think it will split you up in the end if she doesn't do anything to curb it, you are likely to feel resentful if she continues to be insulting. It will become too draining to constantly reassure her.

 

I suffer with depression and anxiety too, but I would never make my partner feel guilty or use emotional blackmail, I've said to him several times please don't ever treat me with kid gloves just cos I am depressed at times, don't be afraid of not saying something for fear of upsetting me, cos it's not his job to make me happy, I've made it clear it's not right to rely on anyone else for our happiness.

 

I would hate thinking my partner didn't trust me, and he would find it hard if I didn't trust him as he's done nothing to deserve that, trusting each other makes us closer.

 

She's blackmailing you emotionally by saying she will leave you if you go to the US for 6 months. 6 months is nothing in the long scheme of things, and you can still talk/skype? My partner and his ex were apart for a year once but they were still together for 11 years after that year, it can be done. How often do you meet up now?

 

No way should you not go, hope you wouldn't turn down the chance.

 

I think if she's the right person for you then she will wait for you, I also think you could say to her you need her to trust you otherwise it won't work out, that it's hard for you that she doesn't trust you.

 

Keep us posted, and good luck!

 

 

I'll try to keep this story short:

I've had a LDR girlfriend for nearly a year now, she lives in the UK, I live in the Netherlands. We try to see each other as much as possible, although it's kinda hard since we both study at a university. It's especially hard for her, since she has severe trust issues and she has some mental issues causing her to get sad and in a depressive state quite easily. I've been coping with this, sometimes it drives me crazy, as she can get quite insulting when this happens. But aside from this, things have been great between us. She repeatedly told me she thinks I'm her 'One' and that she could see us having a life together.

 

Only now a new thing has popped up: my university allowed me into their exchange programme so I can study abroad in the US for half a year or so. Something I've wanted for a very long time. When I told her about my application she said she would leave me if I got in. She stated several reasons, such as that we won't be able to see each other then, that she would go crazy from thinking I'm cheating on her, I would change from the experience, etc. She says that she doesn't want to leave me, but she has no other choice then. When I talked to her a bit more about it, she calmed down a bit and retracted her words somewhat, but she still was really concerned. I know some couples here have to do without each other for longer than 5-6 months, so some might think she's being a bit of a wussy, but my girlfriend kinda has it harder because of her mental and trust issues so...

 

Anyways, I don't want her to leave me, but I also don't want to give up this opportunity. I believe/know that we'll make it if I go study abroad, but I want her to believe that as well. Anybody got advice on this situation?

[HeavenOrHell]

I also see from some of your past posts that there have been major issues with her controlling behaviour and jealousy and lack of trust for a while now, have things improved at all? If not and if she won't seek help for her problems, can you do this long term?

Many people have been cheated on (me included, in the past), and I was left by the person who was my soul mate for 18 years, and he ended up with a friend of mine, (he didn't cheat, he never would, not the type to, but my belief in r/ships being solid and secure were shattered) but this doesn't mean I make my partner's life miserable, any insecurities I had at the beginning of the r/ship either I worked though myself, or said to him sorry I'm feeling a bit insecure just cos of what happened with my ex, that it's nothing you've done, I do trust you, it's my own stuff and I'm working through it, which I did, I stopped feeling insecure pretty quickly, and without making his life hell. I saw a r/ship counsellor a couple of times as any problems I had were with me, not him, stuff from my past.

 

Even r/ships which have full trust on both sides, like mine, can end, so my take on it is; all of us, your partner included, need to accept that there are no guarantees in life, sh*t happens, she needs to get on with her life, not make you centre of it, so that she can cope no matter if you stay together or not, you need to know that she won't fall apart if you leave her, because you can't have that weight on your shoulders, and no-one should put that pressure on anyone, this is the last thing I would do with my partner.

 

Maybe the 6 months abroad would help you work out what your feelings for her are?

[czen]

Hey, I'm in the UK and my partner's in the Netherlands

 

Sorry to hear about your situation, it must be really hard on you if she has severe trust issues, I have to be honest I think it will split you up in the end if she doesn't do anything to curb it, you are likely to feel resentful if she continues to be insulting. It will become too draining to constantly reassure her.

 

I suffer with depression and anxiety too, but I would never make my partner feel guilty or use emotional blackmail, I've said to him several times please don't ever treat me with kid gloves just cos I am depressed at times, don't be afraid of not saying something for fear of upsetting me, cos it's not his job to make me happy, I've made it clear it's not right to rely on anyone else for our happiness.

 

I would hate thinking my partner didn't trust me, and he would find it hard if I didn't trust him as he's done nothing to deserve that, trusting each other makes us closer.

 

She's blackmailing you emotionally by saying she will leave you if you go to the US for 6 months. 6 months is nothing in the long scheme of things, and you can still talk/skype? My partner and his ex were apart for a year once but they were still together for 11 years after that year, it can be done. How often do you meet up now?

 

No way should you not go, hope you wouldn't turn down the chance.

 

I think if she's the right person for you then she will wait for you, I also think you could say to her you need her to trust you otherwise it won't work out, that it's hard for you that she doesn't trust you.

 

Keep us posted, and good luck!

 

Quite a coincidence that we kinda have the same LDR set up

 

My girlfriend is quite the opposite of you, she said the opposite to "don't treat me with kid gloves". It took a while before she got into therapy, and every time we had a fight I talked to her about that all this distrust and insecurity came from her past and that she should talk to a psychiatrist, as I'm not trained to deal with such things. That I could only do my best but hat it won't be enough to make her get better. And then she always got even worse because I should be nicer according to her and just tell her everything will be fine.

 

Like when she went to her new psychiatrist, they told her that they would give her therapy for a few weeks with some programme where they teach you how to fight the depression on your own so you don't need therapy anymore.

My girlfriend thought it was complete crap, as she's been in therapy for multiple years and the teachings of the first therapy session where all kinds of stuff she already once did, it was really basic stuff so I could kinda get why she was a bit annoyed by it. But I told her to do her best in it and take it seriously, as it could still help and it definitely won't hurt. And then she got a bit angry/sad that I apparently wasn't on her side enough.

 

At the moment we skype (nearly) every day for like 2-3 hours at a time. Sure, we won’t be able to skype as much if I go to the US, but we would still be able to skype. And we see each other like every 1.5/2 months, we alternate on visits.

And yeah, it kinda broke my heart when she told me she wanted to break up if I did go. I mean, if I’m the guy she wants to stay with for the rest of her life, then 6 months is almost nothing compared to that. I've told her quite a few times that I want to be with her and that I'm sure of it and that I don't care about other girls like I care about her. And that it hurts a lot knowing she doesn't trust me and that she constantly makes me feel like I need to prove my love. And she told me she wants to trust me, but whenever she gets into what I call her 'negative zone' there's no stopping her distrust and insecurity.

 

I also see from some of your past posts that there have been major issues with her controlling behaviour and jealousy and lack of trust for a while now, have things improved at all? If not and if she won't seek help for her problems, can you do this long term?

Many people have been cheated on (me included, in the past), and I was left by the person who was my soul mate for 18 years, and he ended up with a friend of mine, (he didn't cheat, he never would, not the type to, but my belief in r/ships being solid and secure were shattered) but this doesn't mean I make my partner's life miserable, any insecurities I had at the beginning of the r/ship either I worked though myself, or said to him sorry I'm feeling a bit insecure just cos of what happened with my ex, that it's nothing you've done, I do trust you, it's my own stuff and I'm working through it, which I did, I stopped feeling insecure pretty quickly, and without making his life hell. I saw a r/ship counsellor a couple of times as any problems I had were with me, not him, stuff from my past.

 

Even r/ships which have full trust on both sides, like mine, can end, so my take on it is; all of us, your partner included, need to accept that there are no guarantees in life, sh*t happens, she needs to get on with her life, not make you centre of it, so that she can cope no matter if you stay together or not, you need to know that she won't fall apart if you leave her, because you can't have that weight on your shoulders, and no-one should put that pressure on anyone, this is the last thing I would do with my partner.

 

Maybe the 6 months abroad would help you work out what your feelings for her are?

She is going to therapy now, but considering she has been to therapy for multiple years I’m not expecting a big improvement anytime soon.

Overall, 95% of the time we’re doing great, then we can talk for hours and have fun, make each other laugh, etc. But anything can trigger a bad reaction, she’s VERY prone to mood swings. Like a couple of days ago she asked me if I’d seen a particular female friend of mine lately. She and I aren’t very close at all, but we talk a bit online from time to time. I replied that I saw her a couple of days ago when I was working because she was shopping there with some of her friends, and that we said hi to each other. My girlfriend immediately went cold after that, made it clear that she didn’t trust her and wished me a good day and didn’t talk to me again for a few hours. I was like O_0. And it’s also the little things that hurt, like when we sometimes watch a tv show together on skype, she’s always like “Don’t look at them!” when there are girls on screen who are not wearing much clothing. It can be interpreted as a joke, but the tone of her voice and the fact that she has done it about 50 times now tells me she is dead-serious, which of course makes me feel very trusted.

 

I wish she could be like you, and she has told me a few times that she wants to trust me and that I’m not her cheating ex and that she shouldn’t keep my accountable, but that all comes crashing down again a few days later when I’m being accused of wanting other girls, not loving her enough, etc.

It’s also a bit of a double-edged sword. We both know that we’ll fight if she tells me of her issues, like her not trusting me, her questioning my love for her, etc. But we’re also a bit like “Is this a real relationship if we aren’t completely open to each other?”

 

I’ll probably tell her about my admission on the 26th, as I don’t want to ruin her Christmas or anything. I hope she’ll take it well. Any other advice in the meantime is appreciated though, and thanks for the advice so far!

[justwhoiam]

I don't know about her trust issues, depression, or any other disorder she has, but she's your girlfriend and she has issues with you being away for 6 months partying and having fun. We all know what it is like (read college scene). And how they have fun down there. They get drunk and have sex easily. This might be a generalization, but plausible. So, I don't blame her. I wouldn't want to find myself in her shoes. If it were a couple of months, it'd be a long time, still, not too much. But six months...

 

There was a thread in here from few months ago: he went to work to Germany and his girlfriend waited for him in the USA... I'm not sure if it had to be initial 6 months or one year... but then was told they could extend the time in Germany and he wanted to accept (and I guess he did) because he was really fine there, loved his new life... and got chummy with a German woman who would call him all the time, also outside work and show him around............... he killed two birds with one stone. I'm not sure if she broke up with him, she was on the verge of doing that...

[HeavenOrHell]

But he's trustworthy, so it doesn't matter how much partying he does as he'll be faithful to her. Doesn't matter either how many female friends he has, all that matters is his partner is the one he wants to be with, so he'll stay true to her, he doesn't strike me as someone who would cheat even if he falls out of love with her (he may fall out of love because of the issues she has/the problems it causes).

 

There is no justification for her mistrust of him or the way she treats him.

 

R/ships without trust are likely to fail.

 

The example you're quoting has no bearing here as that person wasn't trustworthy, two completely different couples, two different situations.

 

 

 

I don't know about her trust issues, depression, or any other disorder she has, but she's your girlfriend and she has issues with you being away for 6 months partying and having fun. We all know what it is like (read college scene). And how they have fun down there. They get drunk and have sex easily. This might be a generalization, but plausible. So, I don't blame her. I wouldn't want to find myself in her shoes. If it were a couple of months, it'd be a long time, still, not too much. But six months...

 

There was a thread in here from few months ago: he went to work to Germany and his girlfriend waited for him in the USA... I'm not sure if it had to be initial 6 months or one year... but then was told they could extend the time in Germany and he wanted to accept (and I guess he did) because he was really fine there, loved his new life... and got chummy with a German woman who would call him all the time, also outside work and show him around............... he killed two birds with one stone. I'm not sure if she broke up with him, she was on the verge of doing that...

[czen]

I don't know about her trust issues, depression, or any other disorder she has, but she's your girlfriend and she has issues with you being away for 6 months partying and having fun. We all know what it is like (read college scene). And how they have fun down there. They get drunk and have sex easily. This might be a generalization, but plausible. So, I don't blame her. I wouldn't want to find myself in her shoes. If it were a couple of months, it'd be a long time, still, not too much. But six months...

 

There was a thread in here from few months ago: he went to work to Germany and his girlfriend waited for him in the USA... I'm not sure if it had to be initial 6 months or one year... but then was told they could extend the time in Germany and he wanted to accept (and I guess he did) because he was really fine there, loved his new life... and got chummy with a German woman who would call him all the time, also outside work and show him around............... he killed two birds with one stone. I'm not sure if she broke up with him, she was on the verge of doing that...

Sure, I'll party a bit (although not so much, I kinda lost my appetite for it after I got my current girlfriend). So most of my time will be spent on studying, exploring and making new friends there. But she indeed sees it from your point of view. She's afraid I'm starting a whole new life over there, that I'm experiencing it all without her, that I might cheat and that I'll change because of it.

 

And I remember that topic actually. Don't remember it completely, but I understood the guy's pov there, but he did underestimate what he was putting her through and he should've done a bit more to accommodate her. But yeah, I know I'm putting her through a hard time if I go, so of course I'll try to make it as easy as possible for her.

[justwhoiam]

Sorry, but I don't buy "the other guy was not trustworthy, this one is...", the other guy was as trustworthy as this guy to me. I don't know either, but the other couple had been together for a while and they were a different age and different maturity, hopefully, than college people.

 

That said, the OP got what I meant.

 

Czen, you already made your decision no matter what she thought. She will make hers. If a girl sees this as "no matter what you think I will do what I want anyway", she will extend this kind of behavior to any potential life issue, so that you make decisions for yourself without involving the other person. You're both young, so you probably did the right thing. Most likely, you'll lose her (let's say 80% chance). You know what she's worth, I obviously don't.

[HeavenOrHell]

I've said it before and I'll say it again, a r/ship with no or very little trust will fail.

 

The OP's partner's treatment towards him is in no way justifiable.

 

Him studying for 6 months doesn't equal that he is likely to cheat.

 

Your replies often seem to come from a never trust anyone angle, which is unrealistic, trustworthy people do actually exist!

 

It's not as simple as he'll go ahead and do it anyway, if he didn't care what she thought about it he wouldn't be posting here.

 

The other man you're talking about never posted here so we've no idea what sort of person he was, the OP here clearly loves and cares for his partner, and puts up with a lot from her because he loves her.

 

 

 

 

Sorry, but I don't buy "the other guy was not trustworthy, this one is...", the other guy was as trustworthy as this guy to me. I don't know either, but the other couple had been together for a while and they were a different age and different maturity, hopefully, than college people.

 

That said, the OP got what I meant.

 

Czen, you already made your decision no matter what she thought. She will make hers. If a girl sees this as "no matter what you think I will do what I want anyway", she will extend this kind of behavior to any potential life issue, so that you make decisions for yourself without involving the other person. You're both young, so you probably did the right thing. Most likely, you'll lose her (let's say 80% chance). You know what she's worth, I obviously don't.

[czen]

Sorry, but I don't buy "the other guy was not trustworthy, this one is...", the other guy was as trustworthy as this guy to me. I don't know either, but the other couple had been together for a while and they were a different age and different maturity, hopefully, than college people.

 

That said, the OP got what I meant.

 

Czen, you already made your decision no matter what she thought. She will make hers. If a girl sees this as "no matter what you think I will do what I want anyway", she will extend this kind of behavior to any potential life issue, so that you make decisions for yourself without involving the other person. You're both young, so you probably did the right thing. Most likely, you'll lose her (let's say 80% chance). You know what she's worth, I obviously don't.

 

What happened to the whole innocent until proven guilty stuff?

 

And it's not like I don't care what she thinks, I do care, but I don't want to give up on all kinds of things just so I don't feed her insecurity. It's already that I sometimes somewhat resent her for the things I had to give up for her, I don't want that to corrupt my feelings for her. But yeah, if I go, she might start resenting me so...

 

Anyways, I'll most likely be telling her tonight, I'll keep everybody posted.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Czen...you're wasting your time, this girls got issues beyond your comprehension and understanding and there's no way you're going to be able to resolve them thousands of miles away...her insecurities will be her insecurities...in fact I'm sure this has very little to do with you, this is just the way she is. People find people that enable and exacerbate their feels or they create them themselves, it doesn't even take a certain person, just an unknowing and gullible man such as yourself to take on the challenge of feeding into this black hole that she'll create in this relationship.

 

Make your life simple Czen...drop the basket case and save yourself from a boatload of drama, and doubt, and pain, and grief, and stress, and frustration...you get the idea and just come to the US and not have to worry about maintaining this relationship with her which I can almost guarantee you won't last the test of time regardless of what you do and put into it...i know, I know, but what if, you really love her and don't want to just give up ::Sigh:: but look at it this way, I would bet your @ss you wouldn't be able to fix these problems living under the same roof as her, what in the world makes you think you can fix this or maintain this living a life in the US where this person essentially has these major issues that will affect her regardless?

 

You've got to know when to walk away and when the fruit isn't ripe for picking because in the end you'll more than likely realize...if not absolutely guaranteed that this will all be in vain...trust me, as soon as you let go you'll be a lot happier than you think.

 

This woman is telling you things from a very disturbing and mentally/emotionally unstable place...you might as well take advice from a homeless man on investments.

[TheZebra]

Don't give up an opportunity for your studies and career for a significant other. It just isn't worth it. My last relationship was an LDR and we never had any trust issues, but of course, we wanted to end the distance. My dream was to go to NYC and start my career there, but he convinced me to stay in my current city, that we would get started here and eventually he promised me we'd move to NYC when it favored his career more. I knew that the only reasons he wanted to stay here were because his friends and his mother were here, but I loved him, so I accepted. Three months after he moved back and we ended the distance he broke up with me. Now I'm stuck in a city I highly dislike and he's here all happy and single.

 

Not worth it. I'm still trying to fix my mistake; a mistake I should've never made in the first place. If things end between the two of you, don't worry. There are plenty of women out there without a bunch of baggage... but how many opportunities like this exist for you?

 

Just my 2 cents...

[HeavenOrHell]

Exactly, totally agree!

 

I hope things wen't well, but to be honest I would be surprised if she'd actually listened to you without giving you more emotional blackmail, but you need to have your needs met too, no r/ship should be based around what's mostly good for one person and trying to placate them frequently. It's not a crime to go and study for 6 months!

 

Let us know how it went, good luck.

 

What happened to the whole innocent until proven guilty stuff?

 

And it's not like I don't care what she thinks, I do care, but I don't want to give up on all kinds of things just so I don't feed her insecurity. It's already that I sometimes somewhat resent her for the things I had to give up for her, I don't want that to corrupt my feelings for her. But yeah, if I go, she might start resenting me so...

 

Anyways, I'll most likely be telling her tonight, I'll keep everybody posted.

Edited December 27, 2012 by HeavenOrHell

[czen]

Well, that wnt absolutely terrible, couldn't have gone much worse.

I told her today, since I kinda chickened out yesterday, and I was setting her up for it, tlling we would make it work and that it's just a matter of trust and that for every example of a ldr gone wrong there is one who worked out and that even if I went she might be able to visit me once. And that as long as we loved and trusted each other we would make it, and I would do my best if she were up for it. And that even if I got in, we would talk about it to see how we will make this work.

 

So then I told her.

 

She went on a rampage, started smashing things (I think, she threw her laptop and it was too dark to make anything out) and then the call ended on skype. Then I got a bunch of profanity filled messages on whatsapp.

 

Ugh.

 

Thanks for the replies anyway, it's really helpful. And @ Ninjainpyjamas, I've thought about it a bunch of times, to break up and find an easier girlfriend, but yeah, idk...I know I can get happy with someone else, but I'm happy now too and we both want the same things in life so...and I truly believe she can getter better. But maybe there will come a time in the future I'll give up...if she hasn't given up on me already.

 

I'll keep you posted, any advice in the meantime is MUCH appreciated.

[HeavenOrHell]

I'm sorry

I think you should seriously consider walking away before she destroys you, UNLESS she wants to change her behaviour towards you, does she? If she doesn't want to change this behaviour, then do you want to stay in this situation with her for the rest of your life?

 

Can she see how badly she is behaving, or does she blame it on you? (You've done nothing wrong).

 

How will she get better?

 

Would you not be happier with someone who doesn't keep causing you to feel like this? She keeps on doing it, it's not a one off.

 

I'm not sure you and her want the same things in life, she doesn't want you to do this studying for 6 months.

 

And wouldn't you be happier with someone who trusts you?

 

Not saying I'd find it easy if my partner was further away for 6 months studying, working or whatever the reason, but we're long distance anyway, and as long as could talk regularly he'd have my blessing, I'd miss him like hell not seeing him for 6 months, but I wouldn't make it difficult for him, sometimes we have to put our partners first in certain situations.

 

If I couldn't see him for a year for some reason, (would need to be a very good reason for that amount of time) I would most likely find that unbearable, so if there was absolutely no way to meet up in that time I would probably tell him it's too hard for me and that it's less painful for me to stop now, but that I don't want him to feel bad as it's not like he'd be doing it to hurt me, or that he wouldn't miss me.

 

 

 

 

Well, that wnt absolutely terrible, couldn't have gone much worse.

I told her today, since I kinda chickened out yesterday, and I was setting her up for it, tlling we would make it work and that it's just a matter of trust and that for every example of a ldr gone wrong there is one who worked out and that even if I went she might be able to visit me once. And that as long as we loved and trusted each other we would make it, and I would do my best if she were up for it. And that even if I got in, we would talk about it to see how we will make this work.

 

So then I told her.

 

She went on a rampage, started smashing things (I think, she threw her laptop and it was too dark to make anything out) and then the call ended on skype. Then I got a bunch of profanity filled messages on whatsapp.

 

Ugh.

 

Thanks for the replies anyway, it's really helpful. And @ Ninjainpyjamas, I've thought about it a bunch of times, to break up and find an easier girlfriend, but yeah, idk...I know I can get happy with someone else, but I'm happy now too and we both want the same things in life so...and I truly believe she can getter better. But maybe there will come a time in the future I'll give up...if she hasn't given up on me already.

 

I'll keep you posted, any advice in the meantime is MUCH appreciated.

[HeavenOrHell]

*Hugs* btw, and sorry things went so badly

[TheZebra]

 

She went on a rampage, started smashing things (I think, she threw her laptop and it was too dark to make anything out) and then the call ended on skype. Then I got a bunch of profanity filled messages on whatsapp.

 

Does this sound like normal behavior to you? Getting aggressive enough to actually throw a tantrum? Think about this... is this the type of person you want to be around for the rest of your life? Someone who throws a fit because you did something she disagreed with?

 

I'm sorry, but she doesn't sound stable. You sound perfectly normal and well-adjusted. Remember, no matter how many doubts you have about yourself and your ability to find happiness, there is better out there. Think about it - there are 3 billion women on this planet.

 

Don't let someone control you.

[justwhoiam]

I don't want to take anyone's side, as I don't know the persons involved, but at times reactions are proportioned to what happened in the past. You know, when it's just the last straw... So it seems to me. Like we don't know the whole story. What I know is that he already made his decision and it was a 6-month trip over a girlfriend. There'll be other opportunities in life, both for trips and girlfriends.

 

To the OP: I'm not justifying her reaction, but as I said, probably there's more to it than what you told us. And the icing on the cake was telling her she could visit you. Like she has this idea of you going to have the time of your life and not even making the effort to go visit her, no, you made it clear she could visit you...

 

Maybe like others said you're not a good match on a rational level. Despite love is there. Sometimes women need to see how far you can go. That was how far you could go. She was not worth giving up a trip. I'm not blaming you, just stating a fact.

[HeavenOrHell]

It's not 'a trip', it's studying.

Nothing justifies reacting like a kid having a screaming tantrum, the OP's partner doesn't sound mature enough or in the right place at all to be in a r/ship, she is unable to deal with her trust issues, her jealousy, her insecurities, all which come from her and her past, nothing to do with the OP, he's not cheated on her, given her cause to be this angry.

Love shouldn't have to be proved or tested, just because a person is insecure. It's nothing to do with her not being worth it if he goes to study, that doesn't follow at all, you could equally say that she's saying he's not worth waiting for if she leaves him over this, when it's more down to her not dealing with things in a calm, rational way, and punishing him for daring to go and study.

 

I don't want to take anyone's side, as I don't know the persons involved, but at times reactions are proportioned to what happened in the past. You know, when it's just the last straw... So it seems to me. Like we don't know the whole story. What I know is that he already made his decision and it was a 6-month trip over a girlfriend. There'll be other opportunities in life, both for trips and girlfriends.

 

To the OP: I'm not justifying her reaction, but as I said, probably there's more to it than what you told us. And the icing on the cake was telling her she could visit you. Like she has this idea of you going to have the time of your life and not even making the effort to go visit her, no, you made it clear she could visit you...

 

Maybe like others said you're not a good match on a rational level. Despite love is there. Sometimes women need to see how far you can go. That was how far you could go. She was not worth giving up a trip. I'm not blaming you, just stating a fact.

[TheZebra]

I don't want to take anyone's side, as I don't know the persons involved, but at times reactions are proportioned to what happened in the past. You know, when it's just the last straw... So it seems to me. Like we don't know the whole story. What I know is that he already made his decision and it was a 6-month trip over a girlfriend. There'll be other opportunities in life, both for trips and girlfriends.

 

To the OP: I'm not justifying her reaction, but as I said, probably there's more to it than what you told us. And the icing on the cake was telling her she could visit you. Like she has this idea of you going to have the time of your life and not even making the effort to go visit her, no, you made it clear she could visit you...

 

Maybe like others said you're not a good match on a rational level. Despite love is there. Sometimes women need to see how far you can go. That was how far you could go. She was not worth giving up a trip. I'm not blaming you, just stating a fact.

 

This has got to be the silliest thing I have ever read on these forums. It's so ridiculous, I'm going to make a list as to why:

 

1. It's not a TRIP it's an opportunity to STUDY which means the OP will further himself as a professional and as a person. My ex picked a law school 1000 miles away from where I lived and I supported him happily because I CARED about his professional development. We were long distance for 3 YEARS and I NEVER threw a tantrum.

 

2. She is crazy. She threw a tantrum and started screaming and throwing things. That is NOT NORMAL BEHAVIOR. I wouldn't throw a tantrum at a man even if I found out he was cheating on me, and this girl blows up because he took an opportunity to better himself? Yeah, ok.

 

3. She's manipulative. The only reason she freaked out is because he did something she did not approve of. Again, crazy. Normal women don't behave like that.

 

4. You seem to have some weird idea that people in the US party and are promiscuous. I went to college here and studied abroad and the amount of partying and promiscuity is the same. Europe isn't special, sorry.

[czen]

Sorry that it's been a while, wanted to post this earlier but for some reason the forum/Internet didn't allow me to reply, but here's an update.

 

We talked about it and I somewhat convinced her that we could make it work. She said she would look at how she felt about if a month before I am supposed to leave and see if she could handle it. We'll probably talk about it a bunch more times in the meantime, and I'll see her in a couple of days for like one night (she needs to wait on the airport to transfer flights).

 

And to the previous posters, she is trying to better herself, she is into therapy and she is trying to keep her negative emotions inside of her, it just doesn't work all the time. She had a really hard life (although at times I'm not sure if she is just exaggerating) including a decade or so of bullying, cheating boyfriends, abuse and her parents severely neglected her. So yeah, she really is unstable.

I mean, if this was her normal personality, I'd leave her in a heartbeat. I'm a pretty good-looking guy, am smart, etc. so I'm not staying with her because I'm setttling for her. I'm staying with her because when she is doing fine, it's all just great. I'm hoping that the therapy and recovery will get that negative stuff surpressed/out of her.

 

I won't lie, I've thought about ending things with her a bunch of times. And the fact that she makes me happy most of the time isn't the only reason I'm staying with her. It's also that this kinda is the first real serious relationship I've had I've had a bunch of flings and previous shorter relationships, but I never brought a girl to meet the rest of my family. That brings up an extra barrier for me to end things. Also, I kinda have the Jack syndrome for people who have watched Lost (I didn't see season 6 yet, so don't give me any spoilers!!! ), meaning that I really want to fix people. I'd love it if she wasn't ill, but it also just feels wrong if I'd leave while she is recovering. But the main reason is still that she makes me happy of course.

 

Thanks for the support so far, and happy New Year everybody!

 

To the OP: I'm not justifying her reaction, but as I said, probably there's more to it than what you told us. And the icing on the cake was telling her she could visit you. Like she has this idea of you going to have the time of your life and not even making the effort to go visit her, no, you made it clear she could visit you...

 

 

And I told her that I can visit her too, but that it might be nicer if she came over so she could see everything and maybe meet my brother and his family (who also live in the US) for the first time. My plan was to share the costs anyway, so I'd rather have it that she came over.

[czen]

Well, all's been well for the past few days, us meeting up was great too, but today another bombshell hit:

At my part time job there is a 15 year old girl and I like talking to her Not in a flirty way or anything, she's way too young for me even if I didn't have a girlfriend Well, she added me on facebook and after a while of talking she sent me a picture of her seing some really weird bra at a store and we were laughing at how ridiculous it was.

 

Then my girlfriend gets mad at me because apparently she was logging into my facebook to check up on me. And she went crazy when she saw the bra. She wanted to dump me then and there.

 

Ugh, I don't know, the one moment I'm like "I want to be with this woman the rest of my life", but the next I'm like "Can I really handle all this?"

[TheZebra]

Why is she allowed to log into your FB? I'm a pretty trusting person (just read my posts), but even I wouldn't let a significant other log into any of my accounts (email, FB, etc)

[umirano]

OP, carefully think about whether you really want to 'fix' your girlfriend. That task might absorb energy you need for something else. I tried that with my ex. Now I'm in a (and would be looking for) easy and effortless relationships as far as that's possible.

[Radu]

Czen, this girl has a Personality Disorder.

Take it from someone who was involved with one who was just 'light' in this department ... RUN.

 

This girl does not want to fix herself, the therapy was done to just appease you.

True change comes only when the person who needs to change truly wants it ... she doesn't want it.

 

This is your future OP :

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/326981-separated-3-months-pending-divorce-my-story

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Personality_disorder#Cluster_B_.28dramatic.2C_emotional_or_erratic_disorders.29

Edited January 9, 2013 by Radu