LDR, disabilities involved, reconciliation possible?

[SweetThursday]

Bear with me, please... I don't know how to make this shorter.

 

Me & my ex had an LDR relationship for 9 months, after having been friends for four or five years. She's a troubled soul, admittedly: insecure, lonely (literally no friends at home), prone to mood swings & violent depression, stay at home type. I was her first real boyfriend at 25. I've always loved her and wanted to be there for her. Problem is, we live a 1000 miles apart, and I am a wheelchair user, so visiting her was never an option for me. She has her own issues with moving, but these are minor (walks with a slight limp, finds it easier to walk holding hands with someone). So she visited me occasionally & all was well.

 

So:

c. 2007-2011 - best friends, some romantic advances on her part.

August 2011-April 2012 - LDR

April 2012, my birthday. She visits me in secret. I'm completely unprepared, so I screw up things like having stuff she likes in the fridge on the day of her arrival. She gets pissed. Tells me she tried dining out with two other guys at home and it felt completely unlike being here with me now, even though she had nothing in common with them, and I'm the closest friend she's ever had. Tells me I am an amazing person, but she had always wanted a man who could carry her in his arms and hold her hand while walking in the park - and she can't love me because I'm a wheelchair-bound. I tell her that men don't carry women in their arms every day, that's a romantic fantasy. I tell her that walking hand-in-hand in the park just isn't the main thing in life, that my loving family is always there to support her physically, and I'm always there to support her emotionally, and that I will always love her and be there for her and wait for her to return. She says she understands that. Tells me "You have that wonderful look in your eyes, my sweetest rabbit" all of a sudden, then kisses me, etc, etc.

 

Then she leaves. I get lonely, clingy and emotional, she hates that, says it's better for us not to talk anymore. I tell her not to be silly, tell her that all we need is a short break for me to cool off. After a while, everything's back to normal. She unfriends the two guys in social networks, tells me they are idiots and we continue chatting casually every day.

---

On her birthday, I remember about her, pull out her wishlist that we made together and buy her something that she really, really wants. Just to make her happy & brighten her day. I drop her a message that I have a little something for her, and if she's ever in the mood for visiting me, it's hers.

 

She leaves me a message that she wants no presents from me. I say "Why?".

 

She says "Remember the first time I visited you, I had to wait for 2 hours at the station" (I was sure the time of her arrival was different, time zone confusion)? "Remember you gave me a cell phone for a present and didn't even realize that it had bad headphones and needed a firmware update? (I do not own a cell phone, and know zilch about them, I just knew she really needed an upgrade, and I did all i could. It worked & she liked it.)? Remember you told our mutual friend that I have Hepatitis C? (I didn't know this was a secret!) You always rely on your family to sort things out for you! What would've happened if I stayed with you?"

Note that these are all things she had already said she forgave me for

I tell her "If you had stayed, everything would have been well, because I love you the way you are, even though you can be..." (see the long list of her negative qualities above).

 

And an hour later I snap, because I'm really, really hurt by the sudden cold response to me trying to make her happy. I write another message telling her: "If you can't forgive me for such trifles on the day I'm offering you a present from the bottom of my heart, maybe it really is best for us to never talk anymore. Farewell". The next day she emails me: "Farewell", then the next day "You told me you would always love me. Now you say we shouldn't talk anymore. When I told you we should stop talking, you told me there was no reason for that. Now I feel like I never knew you. How can I trust your words, if you're emotionally unstable, like me?". Then the next day she says "Could we please talk this over on skype?" I say: "No. No Skype. I'm not unstable, I was just very hurt. Let's end this for good. I really care for you. If we continue talking, I'll never forget you" She says: "Please forgive me for everything. I'm unstable. I wish you well"

 

July-December 2012 We maintain no contact. A few days ago I e-mailed her, telling her how I've been, asking how she's been. She replies with a message that had a cute kitten, told me the kitten looked like my sister. Then she told me she's been away for a month, staying with a man I know. She's going home next week, but she's visited him 3 times in 3 months - I know that via her LJ.

 

The man's almost exactly two times older than her, but he obviously cares for her. When they first met in 2010, she called him The Strangler, because was clingy and annoying and got on her nerves, so much that she even told him to stop bothering her once and for all. Back when we were in a relationship, I jokingly pretended I was jealous. On the day she told him to stop bothering her, she undressed for him over Skype, just to shock him (she's weird like that:). Told me about it & we laughed. They didn't talk for 6 months. Then... then, seeing how lonely she was, I persuaded her that he could be a great friend.

 

Now she spends a lot of time with him, away from home. I don't know if they're actually "in a relationship" or not, but he's certainly a loving father figure, a nice guy and all is well with her. I e-mailed "The Strangler" earlier, thanking him for his good hospitality and care for the girl. This might seem creepy, but we're on good terms, we both know she's fragile & needs care & attention, and I am genuinely glad he cares for her. I want her depressions & mood swings to stop, and it seems like she's feeling well now. But still, the very thing that she spends a lot of time with a man she *hated* just a half a year ago irks me. I still love her, I still think that loving and caring isn't about holding hands in the park, I still don't think cerebral palsy or emotional instability is an issue.

 

What should I do now? Should I just wait? Should I ask "The Strangler" if they're in relationship? I don't want to come off as a stalker, I'm definitely not one. The last thing I told her was that she could always Skype me if she had the time.

Edited December 22, 2012 by SweetThursday

[salparadise]

They certainly are in some kind of relationship, and whether it's romantic or some type of codependence doesn't seem be a critical distinction. Bottom line for you is that she is toxic and not someone you could ever be happy with. There is no give and take with her--it's take, take. She isn't appreciative when you try and do things for her and she doesn't do anything to respect or take care of you. You just need to detach and forget her. There's nothing there for you and she doesn't seem to need anything from you. Just let her go and focus elsewhere. Even though it may not be easy, you need to take care of you.

[SweetThursday]

Thanks for the answer! I'll try to treat her the way I did way back when I was sure I'll never have an opportunity to see her in person. I certainly noticed the take-take attitude, but I still think she has an opportunity to change... In five to ten years' time, no earlier. Socializing (even with The Strangler) just might work wonders with her...

 

Should I, ahem, "let go" of The Strangler, too? I'm currently helping him with digging up research material for a dream project of his, just because he's being a welcome host (or more) for my ex. He's a really fun guy, even though I see why he would annoy her to no end. But if he's actually her new lover, everything gets real creepy.

[salparadise]

In my opinion you should simply and completely cut all ties with both of them. I don't know what kind of options you have, but certainly maintaining the attachment to a toxic ex and her new boyfriend (or whatever he is) seems like it would put you on hold emotionally and keep you from finding someone who appreciates you just for who you are... someone able to give and receive love fluently. In other words, the opportunity cost of being involved with the two of them is that you will never get what you really want and need. The inhibition is that you'll have to face being alone until you make new connections. But realizing that making the break and going for the real deal as opposed to settling for this situation should motivate you to make the break and find new opportunities. Does this make sense to you?

[SweetThursday]

I don't want to cut all ties simply because that's her way of dealing with stuff. She's really bad with people, every time someone disappoints her even a slightest bit, she gets psyched and just crosses him/her out of her life. That's why she's alone, that's why she has to run to an older man she used to hate - he was the only one left after I broke down and offered her no contact.

 

I've always told her she should appreciate the connections she's made, since people one could be close to are hard to come by in our situation. That's why she thought my hurt letter was so unlike me.

 

But you've made me see that writing to her/him now was a mistake. I don't want to be taken for granted. If he has business to discuss, I'll discuss it because it's business, not because of my ex. If she needs me, as a friend or otherwise, she'll have to win me over again and show she cares. If she doesn't need me - well, ok.

[SweetThursday]

Аhem, so I've tried to talk to her on New Year's Eve, she replied with seemingly friendly but extremely short messages. Then I told her "I'm not in a festive mood for a particular sad reason (Mygranddad just had a stroke, another relative lost all the will to eat or get out of bed, really tough times here), could you describe the Christmas tree you have out there, there's none at my place", and she just ignored that.

 

I went "Hey, with all those short replies and silence, you sound like you still haven't buried the hatchet. Let's just bury it, ok? :)", and she went "I'll choose who to talk to and when & how to talk myself, you bury your self-importance first" (During our last email squabble, half a year ago, I told her she wasn't yet mature enough to be capable of real love, she told me I was being self-important saying that. That seems to have stung her hard, though I was just being brutally honest).

 

I told her this kind of "choosing" was what made her lonely in the first place, and if it's her choice to continue chewing on pencils in loneliness, then so be it.

 

Banned her all over the place and let her know about it. Then apologized for the pencil-chewing bit, explaining my situation, told her I was looking for a friendly talk & some support & was really offended by the silence. Told her I was never "self-important", and if she meant my self-assurance, then that's what makes me optimistic and successful in life, despite my disability. Never unbanned her.

 

That's a lot of drama untypical of me, but I was really stressed. Told all our mutual friends, including The Strangler to never mention her while talking to me, and everyone agreed.

 

So there, I've cut all ties without losing a friend and an employer in The Strangler. She knows she can still reach me on Skype, but that would at least mean having a real talk. She hasn't called yet, and I don't think she will anytime soon/ever... No more messages, no more ignoring, no more temptation for me to reach out - she can't reply, anyway. I think she's going through another depressive phase, but that's not really my business anymore. Whew.