Love, Distance, the past, present and future..

[loveunfolds]

Hi I need help finding the true meaning of love as well as figure out my relationship currently and learn to forget the past. Let me tell you about myself first, I was born in Syria, I am Christian, grew up in France since 11 years old then moved to the US.

 

I met my girlfriend here in the US while she came to visit from Denmark. She was my neighbor back home, our moms are best friends, we just reconnected..I developed a crush on her while she was here, however I was very hesitant about approaching her, due to my respect for her family.. However eventually she showed her interest as well and things became clear. Before she returned, we learned about each other just a bit. When I took her out few times she was very shy.. that quickly started to change after I revealed my crush to her.. She started to feel comfortable and soon would show me a different side, however by then she had returned to Denmark. We had discussed our past relationship, and I had already told her about my situation with trying to find the right girl, while all girls were lying to me, claiming that they are virgins (which is very usual in our culture now a days for a girl to try to hide her past so that she would be accepted). I had been lied to many times and did not appreciate that! She admitted to me that she was not a virgin.. my next question was how many sex partners have you been with? She said only one person whom she had dated while she was 16 and lost her virginity to, which is very uncommon in our culture for a girl to give herself at this young age. She said she did not know what she was doing, and that she regrets it as well as explaining that she felt forced to stay in that relationship (3 years) because soon everyone found out about their relationship and in our culture this is kinda of a big thing. In that relationship the sex was very bad, and the guy was abusive...I felt for her and I was never the judgmental type and appreciated her telling me the truth, the fact was that it did cut me like a knife because I was raised and learned that a female should safe herself in our culture, and it hit me more because I had developed deep feelings for her as well as high expectations because she used to be my neighbor. This would perhaps be different if I knew that she was not raised with these strict values. However this is not all to the story, because she had dated other guys after, one whom she was in relationship with for 6 months, but told me that they only kissed and nothing more! She claims that she never wanted to give herself away anymore after her first bad experience, yet I find it hard to believe that in 6 months relationship of only kissing? Especially when she had told me she had been over his house. I demanded the truth from her and She swore on that! The third guy would be someone whom she dated for a month and claims that she only kissed there as well.. and I found a picture eventually of a guy whom she was hugging while on vacation, eventually she admitted that she had kissed him, only kissing.

I am not sure about the whole story of her past and I am questioning her values, because I know her mom very well and I know she would never approve all these things. This is confusing.. The other thing is that she wants to give herself physically to me after only a month of talking, stating that she has already developed love and trust for me. I understood that on my end I felt the same, however, is it possible that she is giving herself this fast only to me like she sais and claims that I am the one she chose to be the right one? She swore again there.. Other things that confuse me are her past late night clubbing and vacations with her friends as she is an outgoing and adventurous person. Her friends are very flirty when I talked to them over the phone, and she told me many stories about them sleeping around with guys, however she sais she is not like that.. I see alotta good qualities on this girl and we have many other things in common, however all this confuses me sometime. Will her friend's reputation affect her reputation even if she didn't do anything herself? The other thing that I saw is that she does get overconfident all over sudden when she talks about how bad she wants me sexually.. and I get thrown off when she tells me she jokes about sex in fromt of her friends (guy and girl) who are in a relationship together. Why is she so curious and comfortable? Could be a women's thing, however it contrasts her strong personality.. I want to add that I am 27 and she is 23 years. I have dated about 8 girls in my past whom I had sex with. She is sex free for 4 years now. I changed my ways for her, we are both good looking and attractive as well as well rounded and intelligent people.

How can I develop more trust, she swears that this is the truth. I know this may seem like just a story, but I also have culture expectation and pressure regarding my women's reputation. Where she lives and I live, there are alotta people from syria, thing will get spread easily.. What if her ex had video taped the sex? Which she sais he never did, how does she know for sure? What if she is lying and she had more sex partners? Questions in my head are killing me.. I am confused, how much should I sacrifice if I love this girl and I feel like I am so attached.. and it has only been 6 months. She is not even here till next month is when I see her again, however I have left the previous girl I was talking to for her, and I can see that she is home everyday talking to me on the phone, waiting to be in my arms..She is even willing to move here to be by me forever... we are getting attached! I feel like I am ready to give my all as well, I might have done so.. Is this worth the risk? Will these feelings go away when she is here by me? Please help me clear my mind and fight my fears!

[todreaminblue]

Hi I need help finding the true meaning of love as well as figure out my relationship currently and learn to forget the past. Let me tell you about myself first, I was born in Syria, I am Christian, grew up in France since 11 years old then moved to the US.

 

I met my girlfriend here in the US while she came to visit from Denmark. She was my neighbor back home, our moms are best friends, we just reconnected..I developed a crush on her while she was here, however I was very hesitant about approaching her, due to my respect for her family.. However eventually she showed her interest as well and things became clear. Before she returned, we learned about each other just a bit. When I took her out few times she was very shy.. that quickly started to change after I revealed my crush to her.. She started to feel comfortable and soon would show me a different side, however by then she had returned to Denmark. We had discussed our past relationship, and I had already told her about my situation with trying to find the right girl, while all girls were lying to me, claiming that they are virgins (which is very usual in our culture now a days for a girl to try to hide her past so that she would be accepted). I had been lied to many times and did not appreciate that! She admitted to me that she was not a virgin.. my next question was how many sex partners have you been with? She said only one person whom she had dated while she was 16 and lost her virginity to, which is very uncommon in our culture for a girl to give herself at this young age. She said she did not know what she was doing, and that she regrets it as well as explaining that she felt forced to stay in that relationship (3 years) because soon everyone found out about their relationship and in our culture this is kinda of a big thing. In that relationship the sex was very bad, and the guy was abusive...I felt for her and I was never the judgmental type and appreciated her telling me the truth, the fact was that it did cut me like a knife because I was raised and learned that a female should safe herself in our culture, and it hit me more because I had developed deep feelings for her as well as high expectations because she used to be my neighbor. This would perhaps be different if I knew that she was not raised with these strict values. However this is not all to the story, because she had dated other guys after, one whom she was in relationship with for 6 months, but told me that they only kissed and nothing more! She claims that she never wanted to give herself away anymore after her first bad experience, yet I find it hard to believe that in 6 months relationship of only kissing? Especially when she had told me she had been over his house. I demanded the truth from her and She swore on that! The third guy would be someone whom she dated for a month and claims that she only kissed there as well.. and I found a picture eventually of a guy whom she was hugging while on vacation, eventually she admitted that she had kissed him, only kissing.

I am not sure about the whole story of her past and I am questioning her values, because I know her mom very well and I know she would never approve all these things. This is confusing.. The other thing is that she wants to give herself physically to me after only a month of talking, stating that she has already developed love and trust for me. I understood that on my end I felt the same, however, is it possible that she is giving herself this fast only to me like she sais and claims that I am the one she chose to be the right one? She swore again there.. Other things that confuse me are her past late night clubbing and vacations with her friends as she is an outgoing and adventurous person. Her friends are very flirty when I talked to them over the phone, and she told me many stories about them sleeping around with guys, however she sais she is not like that.. I see alotta good qualities on this girl and we have many other things in common, however all this confuses me sometime. Will her friend's reputation affect her reputation even if she didn't do anything herself? The other thing that I saw is that she does get overconfident all over sudden when she talks about how bad she wants me sexually.. and I get thrown off when she tells me she jokes about sex in fromt of her friends (guy and girl) who are in a relationship together. Why is she so curious and comfortable? Could be a women's thing, however it contrasts her strong personality.. I want to add that I am 27 and she is 23 years. I have dated about 8 girls in my past whom I had sex with. She is sex free for 4 years now. I changed my ways for her, we are both good looking and attractive as well as well rounded and intelligent people.

How can I develop more trust, she swears that this is the truth. I know this may seem like just a story, but I also have culture expectation and pressure regarding my women's reputation. Where she lives and I live, there are alotta people from syria, thing will get spread easily.. What if her ex had video taped the sex? Which she sais he never did, how does she know for sure? What if she is lying and she had more sex partners? Questions in my head are killing me.. I am confused, how much should I sacrifice if I love this girl and I feel like I am so attached.. and it has only been 6 months. She is not even here till next month is when I see her again, however I have left the previous girl I was talking to for her, and I can see that she is home everyday talking to me on the phone, waiting to be in my arms..She is even willing to move here to be by me forever... we are getting attached! I feel like I am ready to give my all as well, I might have done so.. Is this worth the risk? Will these feelings go away when she is here by me? Please help me clear my mind and fight my fears!

 

true love doesnt see reputations or lack there of....you have soem very strong cultural ties and a lot of doubt in your head....I dont know truly if you can get over what you perceive yrou girlfriend to b e..i feel you doubt her honesty and you have that right get to knwo her more.......

 

 

 

more imortant than reputation( rep is often rumor and innuendo) is trust if you dont have trust going into a permanent relationship with a girl you have doubts about as far as sex goes you are goign to strike rough waters fairly early into the relationship...it wont progress....and your trust wont increase unless you work these issues out first.....i wish you the best....deb

[Million.to.1]

Would you care to explain why you and why your culture have certain expectations towards a womans sexual past, but not a mans?

you have slept with 8 woman, but you want a virgin or someone who has only had sex with one person and never enjoyed it and regretted it?

 

Can you see how hypocritical this total double standard is?

 

Why don't you try and over-come these cultural restrictions that may prevent you from being with a truly wonderful girl? Why is it so important to you that she be "pure" - especially as you are not even yourself....

[justwhoiam]

Hi I need help finding the true meaning of love

Good luck! It's like saying I want to find the youth potion...

 

as well as figure out my relationship currently and learn to forget the past.

When the past becomes remote past, your memories will get foggy... but anyway, there are things you will still remember pretty well... I guess you want to stop thinking of your gf's past. That can only happen when you'll start to accept it.

 

I find it hard to believe that in 6 months relationship of only kissing?

This can happen. Especially if she had an abusive partner. Also, I'm not sure if there are things allowed or not allowed in your culture, sexually speaking, but by "kissing" she didn't necessarily mean on the mouth? I'm not sure. Any part of the body can be kissed.

 

is it possible that she is giving herself this fast only to me like she sais and claims that I am the one she chose to be the right one?

It's possible, though not a sure thing. She might also have a high sex drive after 4 years without sex, or you are more sexy to her than any other previous guy, rising her sexual drive more than ever. Or maybe she's always been like that.

 

Other things that confuse me are her past late night clubbing and vacations with her friends as she is an outgoing and adventurous person.

Now, this is something that should be duly considered. Is she too young at 23 for a family? And to give up clubbing? Does she have a clear idea what a family with children entails?

 

Will her friend's reputation affect her reputation even if she didn't do anything herself?

How other people affect her mainly depends on her personality. For example, I don't care what my friends do or don't. I saw a lot of people flirting, even at the workplace, and I never did that, because it's just not me. I was judged because of that, sometimes you can become the black swan in the pond... and some just can't stand being excluded or considered "not being fun". Generally speaking, you should watch out from the flirty type, because even if harmless, she sort of gives hints to whomever. Not a good start for a serious relationship. It's also a cultural thing, I guess. Some consider it fun and appropriate, some even made it their own sport.

 

Why is she so curious and comfortable?

A matter of character. It's OK as long as she's not too intrusive and she knows where and when it's appropriate to say or ask something and when/where not so. If she can't set her own boundaries, she will be very spontaneous, but not suitable for any occasion...

 

How can I develop more trust

You don't have to develop more trust so that you make yourself like her. You need to see if she truly is what you're looking for.

 

What if her ex had video taped the sex?

Ok. Let's assume someone did that. What would your reaction be? If she were a good and devoted wife to you and something about her remote past came out, would your love be strong enough to stand for her? To stand by her side?

 

What if she is lying and she had more sex partners?

That would be bad, because she lied to you and it wouldn't be a good start for a relationship. Did you give her a reason to lie to you? Or did you let her know that she can talk to you openly about anything? If she's afraid she'll be judged, she might sugar coat the truth, so your best chance is don't judge her and let her know how much you value truth.

 

how much should I sacrifice if I love this girl and I feel like I am so attached.. and it has only been 6 months.

Take one step at a time. Get to know her better. See what she's like around her friends, around guys. Listen to what she says, the way she talks, what she thinks.

 

I am ready to give my all as well, I might have done so.. Is this worth the risk?

This is some question... impossible to answer. Really. Do you have a crystal ball? No. So... Life is risk.

 

Will these feelings go away when she is here by me?

Getting to know her better will be more revealing about her, your feelings and her feelings for you. Edited December 19, 2012 by justwhoiam

[umirano]

Good job, justwhoiam! Also, OP, love the girl for what she is now, not for what she may or may not have been in the past.

[Million.to.1]

[quote=justwhoiam;4463238 Did you give her a reason to lie to you? Or did you let her know that she can talk to you openly about anything? If she's afraid she'll be judged, she might sugar coat the truth, so your best chance is don't judge her and let her know how much you value truth.

 

 

 

YES! this.