Rough spot

[foreverM]

Hey everyone who reads this. Want to thank you for stopping by first off and thank any of you in advance for any advice or words of comfort you provide. I met this incredible woman when I was in the UK. We were internet friends before we met but it grew into something more so we decided to meet for the first time. It was incredible to say the least and we have been in each others company for 2 longer periods of time over the last few months. Both of us have children from previous relationships and of course family and friends and so on. After talking and really wanting to be together in spite of all we have going on we decided to do what needed to be done in order for us to be together. Just last week I sent her a video message from my webcam and the response I got was not what I had anticipated. Long story short she responded that the pain was too much for her to bear of being apart and that we should "call it a day" as she put it in the email. So I immediately called her for a better explanation and she voiced all her concerns, her girls schooling and her two oldests well being. All that I understand and we would have to wait three years for her one daughters schooling to be completed. She said that she loves me and wants it now but doesn't want to wait that long. She couldn't give me an answer if she wanted to continue or not...so I am giving her time to think. My question to her was if you love me so much why wouldn't you wait?

 

Sorry for the long read, there was a lot more that was said just wanted to be clear as I could with my problem.

 

Thanks again for reading

 

L

[Carenth]

The saying "love conquers all" is not exactly true. Yes it is powerful however, 3 years is a long time and even then it seems there would be some uncertainty as to how things would proceed.

 

A LDR relationship without clear milestones and time frames of when something will be done to close the gap on a more permanent basis can be very hard to deal with.

 

Maybe there needs to be some reassurance that things will work out well. I always recommend doing a relationship compatibility report on couples meeting online. The Relationship Compatibility Report tracks every aspect between the 2 people psyche's and printed out in English so you can see into the depths of the relationship allowing both to make a quick and easy decision whether to continue or look for someone more compatible.

 

All the best to you in your love life.

 

I'm guessing your some sort of spam bot, in the rare case you are not pseudo-psychology junk isn't going to help here.

[foreverM]

I understand 3 years is a long time. We have spoken about getting her here and her girls. We spoke of marriage and al that but it seemed like once we started looking into it she got it in her head it would take to long. Her girls are her priority and I understand that fully. She says she is thinking realistically about things and I said so I have I. Right from the start I said I knew this wouldnt be easy. Nothing worth having ever is. Thanks for your input.

[pettie]

Any possibility of you going to her?

 

If it is difficult enough for just two people, I can understand how it can be with children involved...

[foreverM]

Any possibility of you going to her?

 

If it is difficult enough for just two people, I can understand how it can be with children involved...

 

At the moment no, but I have thought about it and have actually started to work out a few things here on my end just in case I can in the near future. I love it out there in the UK. I know with kids it is hard, anyway you look at it. I think her girls would love it out here Im hoping if she can hold on I offered for her and her girls to come out and spend the summer with me.

[AngrySpider]

My girl lives in the UK as well.I'm thinking about going her way-after we meet and are able to feel each other out to see if our dynamic is the same in person as it is online.I'm sensing that it will be.It might be easier if I go there instead of her come here (Canada).I'm thinking that it's the same in your case.

 

It will be more troublesome,I anticipate,for her to up and come your way with her children in tow.I know it wouldn't be easy in relocating to another country.I'm terrified by the thought of it,but one of us will have to make the sacrifice in order to make things work.

 

However,I don't think that it's fair that your girlfriend would spring this on you after how long? Anyone going into an LDR knows-unless they have the financial means to travel almost right way-that there's going to be some waiting time involved.That,coupled with the fact that she has children,should have been something that she thought about right from the get-go.I hope for your sake that she's able to stick it out.

[foreverM]

My girl lives in the UK as well.I'm thinking about going her way-after we meet and are able to feel each other out to see if our dynamic is the same in person as it is online.I'm sensing that it will be.It might be easier if I go there instead of her come here (Canada).I'm thinking that it's the same in your case.

 

It will be more troublesome,I anticipate,for her to up and come your way with her children in tow.I know it wouldn't be easy in relocating to another country.I'm terrified by the thought of it,but one of us will have to make the sacrifice in order to make things work.

 

However,I don't think that it's fair that your girlfriend would spring this on you after how long? Anyone going into an LDR knows-unless they have the financial means to travel almost right way-that there's going to be some waiting time involved.That,coupled with the fact that she has children,should have been something that she thought about right from the get-go.I hope for your sake that she's able to stick it out.

 

 

We first met in April of this year. We spent a week together. Our chemistry together was instantaneous from the start. We had chatted online for almost a year before meeting and before we met we both confessed we had been attracted to each other. Since then she has been out here this past summer for two weeks and I was just out there in November for two weeks. It tore is both up that I had to leave but we knew it wouldn't be easy to be apart and both of us knew it was going to be a process before actually being together. She's been throwing the word 'realistically" around lately and I told her she needs to think about it. She says she loves me but can't wait for me? It was never an issue before.

[foreverM]

My girl lives in the UK as well.I'm thinking about going her way-after we meet and are able to feel each other out to see if our dynamic is the same in person as it is online.I'm sensing that it will be.It might be easier if I go there instead of her come here (Canada).I'm thinking that it's the same in your case.

 

It will be more troublesome,I anticipate,for her to up and come your way with her children in tow.I know it wouldn't be easy in relocating to another country.I'm terrified by the thought of it,but one of us will have to make the sacrifice in order to make things work.

 

However,I don't think that it's fair that your girlfriend would spring this on you after how long? Anyone going into an LDR knows-unless they have the financial means to travel almost right way-that there's going to be some waiting time involved.That,coupled with the fact that she has children,should have been something that she thought about right from the get-go.I hope for your sake that she's able to stick it out.

 

Best of luck to you both I hope it works out. Just make sure if you do click that there really is a mutual understanding of what's going to be involved in the relationship.

[AngrySpider]

 

 

We first met in April of this year. We spent a week together. Our chemistry together was instantaneous from the start. We had chatted online for almost a year before meeting and before we met we both confessed we had been attracted to each other. Since then she has been out here this past summer for two weeks and I was just out there in November for two weeks. It tore is both up that I had to leave but we knew it wouldn't be easy to be apart and both of us knew it was going to be a process before actually being together. She's been throwing the word 'realistically" around lately and I told her she needs to think about it. She says she loves me but can't wait for me? It was never an issue before.

 

Totally understand about instantaneous chemistry.I think that some people just know-even before meeting one another-that there's something special about the other person.My girlfriend and I spoke very naughty at first but,as the subject matter of our conversations shifted to other areas aside from sex,we found a lot of things that we had in common.Lo and behold,we fell quickly in love with each other.Personally,my Spidey senses were picking up that there was something very unique about our relationship that I hadn't encountered before with girls that I was with in my own city.By way of this relationship,I realized just how important that having a connection with someone really is.A connection is something that,in my opinion,is different than attraction and paramount in a relationship.

 

Met after a year of chatting online,eh? I'm six months and counting.I'm hoping that my girlfriend and I can meet before our year mark.We both seem to prefer meeting sooner rather than later.Money's a bit tight but I'm sure that she and I can pull this off if we work together as a cohesive unit.But at least in that time,you have enough opportunity to find out about the other person and to have a fairly good idea of who they are prior to meeting them personally.

 

I do admit that I find it somewhat of a concern that your girlfriend would start tossing around the word "realistically" at this stage of the relationship.I know that there is heightened emotion that comes with falling in love and going through that honeymoon phase.But,seeing that the novelty of the relationship has worn off,she really should have thought "realistically" sooner.I'm not ruling out that what she's feeling right now is just a temporary thing.Her tune may change eventually.No LDR doesn't have their "rough spots." However,"realistically," the two of you have been up close and personal on more than one occasion.Presumably,you both had a good time and enjoyed each other's company.One would think that,having had that time with you up close and personally,that this would strengthen her resolve for something more permanent.I really hope that she didn't just lead you on this whole time because,"realistically," that is unfair to do.

 

Now,on the other hand,she could be starting to grasp how real this is between you both and could be experiencing some fear.The prospect of her leaving home to be with you or you leaving home to be with her indicates a major life change.This could very well be a case of "panic mode." I'm just speculating though.But if this is something that she truly wants,she needs to wait it out.

 

I hope my situation works out too.I'm not at a stage where I want to keep getting involved in relationships that are doomed to fail.We both seem to want a future together and she was the one who brought up the possibility of me going there.I've concluded that:(1)All the future talk that came from her in the last six months might not be a bunch of baloney,and:(2)That someone who would make allowance for me to come into their part of the world might just be legit and not have some dubious secrets or skeletons in the closet that I could come across while there.(I do grapple with some serious trust issues at times).But you hit the nail on the head when you spoke about mutual understanding.I understand that there will be that period of waiting.I understood it from the start.Love is patient,indeed.

[FitChick]

It's difficult enough when there are no kids or pets. Money is a big consideration -- money to travel, money to jump through immigration's hoops, which aren't cheap these days. Then you have to know you can get a job in your new country. Marriage is practically mandatory to get a job unless you have a large corporation who wants to hire you and even then, if you got fired or laid off, you'd have to leave the country. I make it quite clear to my UK "dates" that I am looking for marriage and would be the one to move if things worked out between us, but I am not willing to move just to live in the UK. I would have done that years ago if that were the case.

[umirano]

I know somebody who's going into his 5th year in the LDR. So yes, three years is perfectly doable, depending on who's trying. If both of you really want to make this work, it is possible. People have moved from country A to country B, even with kids. So it is much more how much personal effort C and D, the people in the relationship, are willing to put.

 

OP, if your SO isn't ready to invest that much... that's that unfortunate. Try to change her mind, by all means. But if she stands by her decision, you'll have to accept it. You don't have a right to some other person.

 

I hope it all works out.

[foreverM]

I know somebody who's going into his 5th year in the LDR. So yes, three years is perfectly doable, depending on who's trying. If both of you really want to make this work, it is possible. People have moved from country A to country B, even with kids. So it is much more how much personal effort C and D, the people in the relationship, are willing to put.

 

OP, if your SO isn't ready to invest that much... that's that unfortunate. Try to change her mind, by all means. But if she stands by her decision, you'll have to accept it. You don't have a right to some other person.

 

I hope it all works out.

 

Thank you. I appreciate the positive side of the time of an LDR you posted. Ultimately I can only do so much and it is her decision if she decides its too much for her to handle.

[foreverM]

Totally understand about instantaneous chemistry.I think that some people just know-even before meeting one another-that there's something special about the other person.My girlfriend and I spoke very naughty at first but,as the subject matter of our conversations shifted to other areas aside from sex,we found a lot of things that we had in common.Lo and behold,we fell quickly in love with each other.Personally,my Spidey senses were picking up that there was something very unique about our relationship that I hadn't encountered before with girls that I was with in my own city.By way of this relationship,I realized just how important that having a connection with someone really is.A connection is something that,in my opinion,is different than attraction and paramount in a relationship.

 

Met after a year of chatting online,eh? I'm six months and counting.I'm hoping that my girlfriend and I can meet before our year mark.We both seem to prefer meeting sooner rather than later.Money's a bit tight but I'm sure that she and I can pull this off if we work together as a cohesive unit.But at least in that time,you have enough opportunity to find out about the other person and to have a fairly good idea of who they are prior to meeting them personally.

 

I do admit that I find it somewhat of a concern that your girlfriend would start tossing around the word "realistically" at this stage of the relationship.I know that there is heightened emotion that comes with falling in love and going through that honeymoon phase.But,seeing that the novelty of the relationship has worn off,she really should have thought "realistically" sooner.I'm not ruling out that what she's feeling right now is just a temporary thing.Her tune may change eventually.No LDR doesn't have their "rough spots." However,"realistically," the two of you have been up close and personal on more than one occasion.Presumably,you both had a good time and enjoyed each other's company.One would think that,having had that time with you up close and personally,that this would strengthen her resolve for something more permanent.I really hope that she didn't just lead you on this whole time because,"realistically," that is unfair to do.

 

Now,on the other hand,she could be starting to grasp how real this is between you both and could be experiencing some fear.The prospect of her leaving home to be with you or you leaving home to be with her indicates a major life change.This could very well be a case of "panic mode." I'm just speculating though.But if this is something that she truly wants,she needs to wait it out.

 

I hope my situation works out too.I'm not at a stage where I want to keep getting involved in relationships that are doomed to fail.We both seem to want a future together and she was the one who brought up the possibility of me going there.I've concluded that:(1)All the future talk that came from her in the last six months might not be a bunch of baloney,and:(2)That someone who would make allowance for me to come into their part of the world might just be legit and not have some dubious secrets or skeletons in the closet that I could come across while there.(I do grapple with some serious trust issues at times).But you hit the nail on the head when you spoke about mutual understanding.I understand that there will be that period of waiting.I understood it from the start.Love is patient,indeed.

 

Each time we have been together has been incredible to say the least. Its an experience that I truly never had before and will never forget. We were/are all that and more to each other. We both have our flaws and insecurities for sure. Shes not perfect and neither am I but together it felt perfect. Granted all relationships have ups and downs and being the fact we are not together full time we are experiencing that (at least I am) with how she is feeling. I noticed the change in her behavior shortly after I left. The "I love yous" were less frequent or I never got it in return when I had said it and we had this thing where we would send songs to each other on MySpace ( I cant stand facebook) from YouTube with little notes and kisses. That has stopped completely from her end. Of course after her email response about wanting to end it kinda hit me hard and after a combination of a few text messages back and forth, not being able to talk to her about it over the phone right away and a serious amount of alcohol I was less than pleasant with her (I was wrong I ll admit it) After we spoke we cleared the air on things and apologized for our behavior and I told her what I wanted and what I was willing to do and hold on "forever" till we could be together. I asked her if she wanted to leave and not deal with it if that would make her life easier and she couldnt give me a straight answer. So I told her she needed to think about what she wanted to do because "realistically" as you also stated AS she should have known or at least thought this wasnt going to be easy and should not have played with my emotions from the start if thats the case. Im hoping she chooses to stay cause I love her enough to hold on

 

 

All that aside I hope you two meet soon. Keep your guard up but I dont think you will have anything to worry about. If you two hit it off make sure the understanding is there on what you both want from the relationship. Even if you THINK there is one just make sure lol. And the UK is NOT cheap at all. Depending on where she lives check your airport options. My girl lives close to Birmingham but a flight to that airport is almost $200-300 than flying into London which she is a further drive from but a 14 pound train ticket and an hour train ride to her town is still a lot less than what I would have paid to fly in closer to her.

 

Thanks for your response

 

L

[foreverM]

Well she called it off just now... its too hard on her and she feels so alone...the pain is just too much for her she says.

 

 

Thanks everyone for your input...just wanted to let you know.

[salparadise]

I am truly sorry to hear that, foreverM. I empathize with you completely. I hope you will find a way to work through the grief quickly (and completely), and that love will come your way again soon. And that the next one is the love of your life. Take care and let us know how you're doing.

J.

[AngrySpider]

Sorry to hear about that.I personally hate to see updates like these.

[justwhoiam]

Well she called it off just now... its too hard on her and she feels so alone...the pain is just too much for her she says.

 

 

Thanks everyone for your input...just wanted to let you know.

Did you ask her if she loves you?

[foreverM]

Did you ask her if she loves you?

 

No. Our first convo we had when this started a week ago, she said she did love me but couldn't stand being alone or didnt want to wait. When I asked if she wanted to split she said she didn't know. So I gave her time to think. I wasn't going to ask again this time because its pretty clear she doesnt.

[foreverM]

Sorry to hear about that.I personally hate to see updates like these.

 

 

Thank you Spider.

[foreverM]

I am truly sorry to hear that, foreverM. I empathize with you completely. I hope you will find a way to work through the grief quickly (and completely), and that love will come your way again soon. And that the next one is the love of your life. Take care and let us know how you're doing.

J.

 

 

Thank you J

[justwhoiam]

No. Our first convo we had when this started a week ago, she said she did love me but couldn't stand being alone or didnt want to wait. When I asked if she wanted to split she said she didn't know. So I gave her time to think. I wasn't going to ask again this time because its pretty clear she doesnt.

So she loves you. And you can't move. I am sorry.

[foreverM]

So she loves you. And you can't move. I am sorry.

 

It sucks I know, and even my attempt to come out for New Years for a week was met with a not so exciting response....

[AngrySpider]

It's kind of messed up because I had just finished typing up a fairly lengthy response to you when the site was giving the usual log-in hassle I get after typing out my often long-winded takes and I saw your update.

 

None of this is sitting right with me at all...

 

There comes a time when waiting for someone goes from being a legitimate reason to a poor excuse when ending an LDR.While I won't discount or be insensitive to her feelings,she has to understand that things aren't going to magically happen in the snap of a finger.Furthermore,she has to understand that she's not the only one dealing with those feelings that come hand-in-hand with an LDR.You were going through them too but you were more than willing to tough it out.I reiterate once more that she should have thought about this a long time ago before pursuing things further.She should've known that there were difficult times ahead.Either way-whether waiting for you two to close the distance or waiting to find what she wants in her own area-it still involves waiting.

 

(Yes,a lot of bold print.I guess I'm quite emphatic about all of this).

 

At the stage of the relationship where you were,I could see her bailing if it was toxic/unhealthy,if you were exhibiting abusive or negligent behavior (not saying you were),if there was infidelity,or if you appeared disinterested in having that "end point." Therefore,waiting is a poor excuse in comparison to the aforementioned reasons to end things.Maybe some in this forum will disagree with me on this one and counter with the argument that things could have just "taken their toll" on her.I don't know.I just think that this is BS.I guess I just feel that,if a long-distance relationship shows signs of being worth pursuing,it's better to see things through than to walk away having wasted time,effort,emotion,and even money.

 

I won't try to offer you false hope.Maybe...just maybe...she'll end up giving her head a shake.If she felt lonely and sad while with you,maybe she'll feel it more so as she tries to go on without you.Yes,some people go on their way without looking back.Others have a harder time in doing so.The feelings for that someone and the memories shared with them may carry too much sentimental value to enable them to stay away for long. justwhoiam does pose a good question though.

[pettie]

Maybe some in this forum will disagree with me on this one and counter with the argument that things could have just "taken their toll" on her.I don't know.I just think that this is BS.

 

Not necesarilly. Not everybody is cut for a LDR. Some people put things in perspective and balance emotional stability vs a possible future. Especially if kids are involved and even more so, if this is an international relationship.

 

I guess I just feel that,if a long-distance relationship shows signs of being worth pursuing,it's better to see things through than to walk away having wasted time,effort,emotion,and even money.

 

I agree with this. But not everybody wants to risk as much when they have children depending on them, which seems to be her case... she has to provide emotional estability for them.

 

Yes, it is doable, but it is a drastic, life-changing decision not to be taken lightly.

[foreverM]

Not necesarilly. Not everybody is cut for a LDR. Some people put things in perspective and balance emotional stability vs a possible future. Especially if kids are involved and even more so, if this is an international relationship.

 

 

 

I agree with this. But not everybody wants to risk as much when they have children depending on them, which seems to be her case... she has to provide emotional estability for them.

 

Yes, it is doable, but it is a drastic, life-changing decision not to be taken lightly.

 

We both knew what we had to deal with going into this. She was all for it just as much as I was. Her main argument wasn't so much the children it was her inability to deal with being alone...even tho I am (was now) in the same position as her. Although I hated being without her I could tolerate it because I was looking towards the future. I left the UK November 10th after a two week stay. Shortly after is when things started to change and fast. I went from being the love of her life,her world and wanting to be with me forever to " I can't stand to be alone and cant wait for you"

 

So here I am still confused because it all happened so fast.