Need Fast: Long Distance on the verge of breakup seeing her thursday

[DTtoTN]

Hi all,

I am currently in a long term relationship with the woman that I have been dating for the past 4 and a half years, she moved to tennessee for vet school which is 4 years and before she moved we were in the best and happiest times of our life. We experienced all of college together and made so many memories. Before she moved we never really talked about how it was going to be or what exactly we had planned, just kinda held our heads high and believed that it would be fine. Well the first month that she moved things began to stray, we both had very busy schedules (new roommate situations, I was failing out of school in the beginning of the year, friends dad died, she was adjusting to a whole new schedule, meeting friends, studying all day and night) so we never really got into a groove. We saw each other in september and things seemed pretty good, and then saw each other in october too. To my believe things were normal, we were the same together, the same intimately, and felt the same together as we were before she left. Then october ended, and november, which we had said we would make a trip to see each other became a very busy busy month, i had 3 weeks in a row where exams were present, and we both were going home for thanksgiving. Over thanksgiving break I noticed that she wasnt wearing a bracelet in one of her new pictures that I had never seen her take off in all the time we were dating. I got it for her a while ago and she wore it everywhere, in the shower, to bed, it never left her. So when I asked her about it, it turned into a huge discussion on what happened, why did we feel so distant right now. Sad that I might lose her, I booked a flight right away in the beginning of december, this week, right after my finals to patch things up. And to sit down and actually talk about our future together and make a plan, do all the things we should of done in the beginning. So over the past couple weeks leading up to this trip of being reunitted, it has been a roller coaster. One day she ll want to talk and we ll talk about the future, where we ll go during the summer and how much fun new years will be, and other days we ll only have short conversations. Keep in mind that she also had finals and that it was a stressful time for her so I gave her space, she would be at the library all day then get home and just want to sleep, so I let her.

 

Finally getting to the point this past friday she was at a friends house and i was out and decided to call her. She didnt pick up but asked how I was and that she would call me when she was leaving. Feeling that this entire time I was trying so hard I decided to see if she would call. Big mistake. She never called not only that never even acknowledged me at all that night. The next morning she texted me hi, and I asked her what happened. This begun her thinking to herself that she doesnt love or care about me anymore. So on monday she called me and said she wants to break up. Shocked by this news because of all the mixed signals during the past couple weeks I told her just wait till I come down there in 3 days. She told me this is what she decided and theres no changing her mind and that she doesnt want me to come down there anymore. Pleading with her got me no where as she said you cannot change my mind its done. I was beside myself because 4 days prior to monday she sent me a birthday card saying I cant wait to see you and it will be so much fun. I kept asking how 4 days can make a decision like that for you and she said she felt like this for a long time its just the straw that broke the camels back.

 

So now here I am. I apologize if that was long, but I am still going down there in 2 days I said Im not ending a 4+ year relationship over the phone regardless of how hopeless you feel. So I have 2 days to either push her back to wanting to try (when she sent the bday card she also mentioned that she promised to give us a shot and that she would be open to us, apartly she broke that promise) but I know that when we see each other things will be different, I havent seen her in 9 weeks, which is a long time and she has forgotten what its like to be with me but I have to win her back and I dont know how. I feel that if I just ignore her and play the no communication to make her want me again, it wont work because she is so caught up in her new life that Im not a part of and never really have been, then it will just be out of sight out of mind.

 

I need advice on how to win her back, or what to do in the next 2 days to at least make her maybe open to us when we see each other, also what to do when Im there and according to her shes just breaking up with me. I really love her and want to spend my life with her and I know she felt the same way before she moved. Thank you

[JWRP]

I'm going to try not to swing too close to home...

 

Maybe a female with the drive to become a Vet needs a man with the drive to do the same; a man that isn't failing classes. I don't mean to stress you on it more (hopefully finals are over for you) but she clearly values education and your goals might be changing a lot more than she can admit to you.

 

Aside from that potential; you can't "push her back" toward anything. She's a grown person capable of her own decisions; you have to trust her that her mind is made up (just like you have to trust all the decisions from your SO, even if they are painful). If I was you, I'd drop it and find other things to do on the vacation. But I know thats easier to say, so just give her a hug with puppy dog eyes as you walk away; don't draw it out, don't harass her or blow her phone up. If she won't see you leave her a letter and step back to notice that she's cold and doesn't care anymore. Then enjoy a solo vacation in her town.

[DTtoTN]

thank you for the reply, the reason I was failing was because of her leaving. Im actually doing very well in school for engineering but anyway I feel that if she can want to be with me one day then 4 days later feel that theres nothing that can be done now it shows me that she doesnt know what she wants and that maybe I can show her how much it can work. She has so much doubts because the past couple months (only LDR months) have been terrible, but they can be so much better. She doesnt believe that or at the moment want to try for that. But last week she did. I know seeing her in person will bring back some emotions for her, but I dont know that if leaving when she will not back down about breaking up will ever lead to us seeing each other again. she loves her new life and im not in it.

 

on a side note i was going to wait till in person but forced to tell her monday when she said she wanted to break up that I was compeletly willing and planning on moving there after grad school which would be basicly in a year. She took this as I dont want you here, I dont want that.

[digitface]

DTtoTN,

 

I connect with you because thats exactly what happened to me. We have been together for 20 months where 14 months have been long distance. It has been a roller coaster where she broke up with me 3 times before, although two of them were 1 day minor ones.

 

She was about to meet me during thanksgiving but she started acting weird before the trip. I usually dont prolong so confronted her if eveything was OK. It started with nothing, to we are not ok to I cant do this for 2 years. We were about to move in next summer for 3 months during her internship.

 

Then I did the mistake of begging / pleading where she went from long distance was an issue to things are not fine anyway. I then stupidly made a mistake to tell her that i will move back to the mid west and then she says no it will not make a difference and "you are not the one". I went so depressed and went to my home country for a couple of weeks and she didnt even wish me for my bday. I was so naive to send her an email that day asking here if I pushed her that far and she sends out a sarcastic email that she wants to see what else is out there. I just sent here an email cos we were really close and I knew it was ok to wish someone who is close even though you broke up.

 

But that go me thinking. Was it distance, was it things not working out, was it I am not the one or she is young and wants to check what else is out there. Women tell anything to break up and then they say a bunch of things, its a sight that they are confused. And at that time, you should stay away so that you dont influence their decision by staying needy

 

I started NC and its been 18 days and today is her bday and I am not going to wish her. Need to get some dignity and control back.

 

That said, you going to meet her when she said no is a bad idea. I have done the same with this same girl, trust me it will not go good. You will look really desparate and needy and thats not going to get her back. The last time I go her back, it was through NC and me acting really cool and emotionless when I confronted her. Dont go to her place and and give her some space. Not sure if you are already there as I am typing.

 

Hope things went well for you if you are there but If you havent met her yet, just give notice before you go in front of hre.

 

Good luck man and keep us posted

[justwhoiam]

today is her bday and I am not going to wish her.

That must be hard. Hold out.

[Carenth]

More up to date thread about this located here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/long-distance-relationships/361867-what-make-gf-issues

[MelissaD]

Whatever ended up happening? I'm in a similar situation, I think, and will be making the visit on Monday.

[Carenth]

Whatever ended up happening? I'm in a similar situation, I think, and will be making the visit on Monday.

 

My guess is they broke up and he's probably dealing with the heart break now. He basically wanted to force her to be in a relationship she no longer wanted to be in that rarely if ever works out.

[Njeanne]

I feel so bad for the guy... because it happend too me aswell... -.- I'm merely upset at fact he never tried to talk with me about it, just went two months through his emotions lying too me and then two weeks before visiting he'd break it off... I felt betrayed so much, because here I thought he was head over heels for me since he had a crush on me for five months, trying to win my heart then after four months his love for me slipped away... With this now I lost my best friend forever...

 

Why do men try and sort it out by themselves? If he told me I could have given him space and try be friends for time, no he faked himself over the course even putting down a "love you more/most/" kinda of game. And why did he let on for two months, while he saw me falling for him more and more and more (because he loved me more, and I less because I came out of a different relationship)

 

With this i lost my best friend. :'(