what did your LDR teach you about yourself?

[meeji]

I recently have had a revelation, it seems.

I am dating a wonderful guy but he lives across the ocean. I knew the LDR would be hard but I thought that I was more cut out for this type of thing than I really am. In wondering if my needs can be me met in this relationship, I discovered the following.

 

I have pretty much emotionally detached throughout all of my dating experiences. Iguess I never allowed myself to let my emotions guide me. In efforts to protect myself I kept up a guard. It is also possible that some of those relationships ended because I was not invested enough. My feelings of indifference about it is probably an indication that I just never cared so much in the first place.

 

So with that said, I'm finding now that I would like to be open and experience all the things I have been shut off from for year....and this is great. But, the distance does not now afford me to feel very secure and this has become a problem.

 

Is it just me or do you guys also feel like when your lover goes away and comes back you're starting all over again? 4 steps forward and 2 steps back. I have to reacquaint myself with having him there in a physical form.not that i feel like he's a stranger again but if I think about how open and comfortable I was around when I left and how that diminishes with time as we don't see each other for months at a time, its just weird.

 

I almost feel like my mind wants to do what's its been doing all along. Maybe subconsciously, I though I could handle the distance because I have been distant in all of m relationships, no matter where I was. The difference is that I don't want to be like that anymore and the irony of it all kinda makes chuckle.

 

Our communication is great and I know he cares for me very much and vice versa. The distance doesn't do anything for me want to be closer to him.

 

I guess this is m payback.

 

He doesn't understand my feelings and I can't explain them. I started a relationship journal and we have both started writing in it together. I think its a good idea.

 

Anyway, has anyone else felt this way?

[umirano]

It taught me that even for obscure subjects like 'LDR' there's a decent online ressource to learn from. It taught me about myself too, or maybe my GF did, I don't know exactly.

 

 

• I am more patient than I thought
  
• I am capable of more trust than I thought
  

I'll come back if more comes to mind.

 

I can partly understand where you're coming from. Feelings vary over time. Sometimes I feel like we should do anything and everything to close the distance immediately. And sometimes I think it's a good thing that we can't move things as fast and that we're forced to be more patient.

 

How is your communication great? Frequency? Because content-wise you seem to have a problem, when you can't explain your feelings to him or when he can't understand them. Keep talking, sometimes it takes several trials to get something across.

[meeji]

It taught me that even for obscure subjects like 'LDR' there's a decent online ressource to learn from. It taught me about myself too, or maybe my GF did, I don't know exactly.

 

 

• I am more patient than I thought
  
• I am capable of more trust than I thought
  

I'll come back if more comes to mind.

 

I can partly understand where you're coming from. Feelings vary over time. Sometimes I feel like we should do anything and everything to close the distance immediately. And sometimes I think it's a good thing that we can't move things as fast and that we're forced to be more patient.

 

How is your communication great? Frequency? Because content-wise you seem to have a problem, when you can't explain your feelings to him or when he can't understand them. Keep talking, sometimes it takes several trials to get something across.

 

I meant that we spend a lot of time communicating with each other. On average, we do skype video chats for about 2 hours a day. It was more than that but we decided to scale it back some to allow time for other things. I mean that even though we have misunderstandings, it isn't because we aren't communicating enough. Both of us put in the time. As far as me not knowing how to explain my feelings to him, I try. I think my feelings have been a little mixed these days, so putting them in comprehensible words have given me a problem.

 

I can usually get my thoughts in order much faster when I write them down, hence me starting the relatioship journal with him. If I can't explain it verbally, at least he can read my thought patterns there.

 

Thanks for you comment.

[meeji]

One other thing...

 

I like what you said about being forced to wait patiently. I have thought about that too. I'm sure I'm not the only who has thought about how great it would be to have the significant other right there and then turned around and questioned whether or not it would be that great in reality.

 

Sometimes people forget that what is real in their minds, isn't always real in life.

[CherryT]

It taught me that even for obscure subjects like 'LDR' there's a decent online ressource to learn from. It taught me about myself too, or maybe my GF did, I don't know exactly.

 

 

• I am more patient than I thought
  
• I am capable of more trust than I thought
  

I'll come back if more comes to mind.

 

I can partly understand where you're coming from. Feelings vary over time. Sometimes I feel like we should do anything and everything to close the distance immediately. And sometimes I think it's a good thing that we can't move things as fast and that we're forced to be more patient.

 

How is your communication great? Frequency? Because content-wise you seem to have a problem, when you can't explain your feelings to him or when he can't understand them. Keep talking, sometimes it takes several trials to get something across.

 

I have to say these are the biggest items I've learned about myself as well. I am more patient than I thought and I can trust too. I also realized that I was with the wrong kind of men in the past and that the one I am with, despite the distance, is worth all the effort and heartaches when we're not together. Similar to Meeji, I use to always be detached from relationships. Like you, it was my way of guarding myself so I don't get hurt. But in this relationship, I am OK with letting my guard down because it's the first time where I feel at peace. There's nothing I want to change about him and I'm not trying to change myself to be the perfect partner for him.

 

We're not that far away (a few hour plane ride) and we see each other at least once a month... sometimes it's been more. We haven't been together long (6ish months), but I always feel like I just want to pack my bags and move to where he is. I think the patience thing is a great thing because you really ask the questions you normally wouldn't in a relationship that's 'local' because of the magnitude of the decisions that need to be made. It's probably one of the greater loves/sacrifices I will experience in my life but also the biggest pay off if we make it.

[meeji]

I hear ya. When I am with him I get comfortable really quick but its like I forget how to do that once I get used to being away from him. I think most women in LDRs think that their guy has something that the other guys around them don't. I can relate to that. I also have only been in this for about 5months-ish so its kinda new to me.

 

I hope you guys make it! :p

[CherryT]

I hear ya. When I am with him I get comfortable really quick but its like I forget how to do that once I get used to being away from him. I think most women in LDRs think that their guy has something that the other guys around them don't. I can relate to that. I also have only been in this for about 5months-ish so its kinda new to me.

 

I hope you guys make it! :p

 

How far are you guys? And how many times have you seen each other? You mentioned that you feel it's 4 steps forward and 2 steps back... we've been in this situation roughly around the same time, but I don't feel that. Maybe it's because we do get to see each other at the very least, once a month and we try to find deals to see each other at least once every 2 weeks or so. I would think being a part for over a month or even month(s) would be difficult.

 

Good luck to you too !

[meeji]

How far are you guys? And how many times have you seen each other? You mentioned that you feel it's 4 steps forward and 2 steps back... we've been in this situation roughly around the same time, but I don't feel that. Maybe it's because we do get to see each other at the very least, once a month and we try to find deals to see each other at least once every 2 weeks or so. I would think being a part for over a month or even month(s) would be difficult.

 

Good luck to you too !

 

We have only met once. He lives in Ireland and I live in the US...so its very long distance. I went there in October for 2 weeks and he's coming here next month for 10 days. We'll see each other again in April. We're planning a 20 day trip to Japan ( and that will be the longest amount of days consecutively that we will being each others company) and then i know I will see him again in august. I guess we're averaging a visit every 4 months or so. For months long enough to negate any progress that I made. I'm sure we would fine if we were in a regular relationship but I am really wondering about what I can do to keep things stable.

[umirano]

To keep things stable? You'll need to talk about closing the distance. This keeps you alive for a certain amount of time. And at some point the two of you need to implement this plan. Otherwise the whole exercise is pointless.

[CherryT]

To keep things stable? You'll need to talk about closing the distance. This keeps you alive for a certain amount of time. And at some point the two of you need to implement this plan. Otherwise the whole exercise is pointless.

 

Maybe it's because I'm newer to the LDR thing. We've been together for less than 6 months... We've briefly discussed moving to make sure that we both aren't set in staying where we are. But we've never set a date or had a very in depth conversation. We discussed circumstances of moving (one of us will be moving to a different country - CA/US) and both think that it should be very serious before one of us uproots our whole lives. Shortly after or just before closing the gap, we would have to be in engagement phase.

 

With that discussion I think we both are too afraid to talk about it just yet because we're not near "engagement" level and we are just feeling our way through our relationship right now. We're a bit different from many LDR here where there may be months in between visits. We see each other at the very least, once a month but usually it's 2 on average. Judging by the way our relationship is going... I would say when we do have this discussion and we've been together a little longer the moving could happen quickly. I'm just glad we covered the "are you willing to move" in the beginning because if we were both deadlocked on not moving... we would have issues.

Edited December 15, 2012 by CherryT

[HeavenOrHell]

That you don't take the time you have with them for granted, you appreciate every little thing about them, every minute spent with them.

 

Time together is magical and special.

 

Sex and cuddling, all aspects of intimacy are heightened when you're with them and when you're apart you miss it like hell.

 

It's taught me that the constant highs and lows make me miserable and depressed.

 

It's taught me that living a half life with no end in sight isn't good for me.

 

That I'm too focussed on this r/ship because I miss him, I've never been focussed on a r/ship to this extreme before.

 

Every little thing is magnified in an LDR, any problem, or worry can be magnified if you don't have good communication, ie if you're with someone who is closed up.

 

It's taught me that I can travel abroad when I thought I couldn't (agoraphobia).

 

It's taught me to live in the moment and be thankful for what I have.

 

It's taught me that I would NEVER ever do an LDR again, unless I saw them once a week.

 

It's taught me that if you live so far from someone and you can't be with them, and probably never will be, thats it might be less painful to walk away than to stay with them.

 

It's taught me that I don't know how the hell to break up with the person I want to be with

[HeavenOrHell]

No, when we see each other again it feels like we've not been apart, we're instantly at ease. But we've been together 2 years, 8 months, met 20 times or so, talk every day.

I love how we just melt into each other when we meet each time.

 

 

 

Is it just me or do you guys also feel like when your lover goes away and comes back you're starting all over again? 4 steps forward and 2 steps back. I have to reacquaint myself with having him there in a physical form.not that i feel like he's a stranger again but if I think about how open and comfortable I was around when I left and how that diminishes with time as we don't see each other for months at a time, its just weird.

 

I

[allenpo123]

That you don't take the time you have with them for granted, you appreciate every little thing about them, every minute spent with them.

 

Sex and cuddling, all aspects of intimacy are heightened when you're with them and when you're apart you miss it like hell.

 

 

It's taught me that I can travel abroad when I thought I couldn't (agoraphobia).

 

It's taught me to live in the moment and be thankful for what I have.

 

It's taught me that I would NEVER ever do an LDR again, unless I saw them once a week.

 

It's taught me that if you live so far from someone and you can't be with them, and probably never will be, thats it might be less painful to walk away than to stay with them.

 

 

Totally agree...

 

1. If you live so faraway maybe it's easier to just end things before it gets serious

2. I would never do a LDR again.. It IS like living half a life... I want the whole person..

3. Traveling abroad- yeah, never thought I'd do it for love

4. Making out- yes, everything is highlighted when you part. Sucks reallll bad when you see couples on the street holding each other.

[AngrySpider]

@Meeji

 

You have asked a very thought-provoking question

 

Before I offer my own personal learning experiences that my LDR has provided me with,I would just like to tell you not to give up.I think that some of what you're feeling is par for the course in an LDR and we've all been there at some point in time.Detachment isn't always a bad thing,as it can prevent potential misery that deep attachments can potentially bring.I do believe somewhat in destiny and I would hate to see,for your sake,you detach yourself from what could be an opportunity to be with someone whom,despite the inconvenience of distance,could be "the one" for you.

 

That's what keeps me going everyday in my relationship.

 

-I have to agree with what some of the others posted about patience.My LDR has made me realize that I am perhaps more patient (and strong) than I give myself credit for sometimes.

-I've learned that I can fall in love again.I swore off relationships after my last one ended (after 7-1/2 years and 2 kids,left me for another guy).Now,I'm just swearing off local women! lol

-Because my girlfriend is living out her dream of being in Australia for Christmas,it's made me realize that I haven't lived out a whole lot of dreams myself and that perhaps I ought to come out of my shell and venture out into the world and make my dreams come true.

-I have learned that I'm VERY insecure and that I need to start confronting my past heartbreak..especially if my girlfriend is indeed "the one."

-I've learned that a move across the ocean may just be what I need in order to make a fresh start.Having a woman that I so desperately want to be with is even greater incentive.

-I've also learned that I need to get some unresolved matters in my life sorted out.

 

I haven't yet met my girlfriend and I know that we need that "face time" in order to determine if this is worthwhile or not.However,I get the sense that it'll only reinforce what I've known since almost the start:That she's special.A relationship that is six months in and I'm already learning so much and having my eyes opened as often as they've been so far is one that I'm not willing to pass up...especially if I end up learning more about myself

[meeji]

That you don't take the time you have with them for granted, you appreciate every little thing about them, every minute spent with them.

 

Time together is magical and special.

 

Sex and cuddling, all aspects of intimacy are heightened when you're with them and when you're apart you miss it like hell.

 

It's taught me that the constant highs and lows make me miserable and depressed.

 

It's taught me that living a half life with no end in sight isn't good for me.

 

That I'm too focussed on this r/ship because I miss him, I've never been focussed on a r/ship to this extreme before.

 

Every little thing is magnified in an LDR, any problem, or worry can be magnified if you don't have good communication, ie if you're with someone who is closed up.

 

It's taught me that I can travel abroad when I thought I couldn't (agoraphobia).

 

It's taught me to live in the moment and be thankful for what I have.

 

It's taught me that I would NEVER ever do an LDR again, unless I saw them once a week.

 

It's taught me that if you live so far from someone and you can't be with them, and probably never will be, thats it might be less painful to walk away than to stay with them.

 

It's taught me that I don't know how the hell to break up with the person I want to be with

 

WoW.Sorry I didnt see this sooner. Thanks a lot for that. Ldrs are so bittersweet

[meeji]

@Meeji

 

You have asked a very thought-provoking question

 

Before I offer my own personal learning experiences that my LDR has provided me with,I would just like to tell you not to give up.I think that some of what you're feeling is par for the course in an LDR and we've all been there at some point in time.Detachment isn't always a bad thing,as it can prevent potential misery that deep attachments can potentially bring.I do believe somewhat in destiny and I would hate to see,for your sake,you detach yourself from what could be an opportunity to be with someone whom,despite the inconvenience of distance,could be "the one" for you.

 

That's what keeps me going everyday in my relationship.

 

-I have to agree with what some of the others posted about patience.My LDR has made me realize that I am perhaps more patient (and strong) than I give myself credit for sometimes.

-I've learned that I can fall in love again.I swore off relationships after my last one ended (after 7-1/2 years and 2 kids,left me for another guy).Now,I'm just swearing off local women! lol

-Because my girlfriend is living out her dream of being in Australia for Christmas,it's made me realize that I haven't lived out a whole lot of dreams myself and that perhaps I ought to come out of my shell and venture out into the world and make my dreams come true.

-I have learned that I'm VERY insecure and that I need to start confronting my past heartbreak..especially if my girlfriend is indeed "the one."

-I've learned that a move across the ocean may just be what I need in order to make a fresh start.Having a woman that I so desperately want to be with is even greater incentive.

-I've also learned that I need to get some unresolved matters in my life sorted out.

 

I haven't yet met my girlfriend and I know that we need that "face time" in order to determine if this is worthwhile or not.However,I get the sense that it'll only reinforce what I've known since almost the start:That she's special.A relationship that is six months in and I'm already learning so much and having my eyes opened as often as they've been so far is one that I'm not willing to pass up...especially if I end up learning more about myself

 

Thanks for the tip. I have been doing a lot of thinking about and learning a lot from this relationship.Like you, I have identified some of own downfalls and I'm working on them too. I hoe you meet your so and you guys make a new life together.

[HeavenOrHell]

Sorry, a lot of what I wrote is sad/negative, I was having a down phase about it all, that's one of the main things about LDR's; the rollercoaster! I'm not sure if all LDR's have such a rollercoaster, or whether it's mostly the ones with no end in sight, I mean maybe I'm a bad example of being in an LDR!!

 

I feel there is a point to my LDR even with no plans to move, I still love and appreciate what we have, and it's him I want to be with, obviously that could change, any r/ship no matter how close you once were can change/break up.

 

But yes, I'd never do an LDR again unless we could meet frequently, I do feel like I'm in something which isn't ideal but don't want to split up.

 

 

 

 

WoW.Sorry I didnt see this sooner. Thanks a lot for that. Ldrs are so bittersweet

[FitChick]

I've learned that I can trust someone far away easier than I was able to trust someone who lived nearby because it's the person not the distance. If people think geography means you will live happily ever after, you are wrong. My LDR didn't have a happy ending but I'm willing to do it all over again for the right person and the only way to find out if someone is Mr Right is to get to know him.

 

Most people don't realize that you can't just up sticks and move to another country so you need to learn the immigration laws and requirements. Usually you have to get married.

Edited December 24, 2012 by FitChick

[Got it]

I learned that I really like to spend time alone and that it is okay to be in a relationship and not see each other 24/7. That space is good. I really learned a lot about myself in the LDR, and I really found that I enjoyed my down time, just me and the cats and chick flicks on tv.

 

I don't think I will every do a LDR again, at least I will try very hard not to, but there were many silver linings in it. And so I am very happy for that experience.