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Who should be the one to move?


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I think this is a common problem a lot of couples who met online face. You know you both want to be together, but the details leading to that are a bit more difficult. I guess I'm looking for some input from you fine folks. Any stories, advice, or personal experiences are welcome.

 

I've (23/f) know my SO (30/m) for about a year. We've met and he's going to be visiting me again in a few days. As with many of you, he's lives in another country. (He's Canadian, I'm American) Thankfully there isn't much in the way of visas that needs to be done, and we can legally spend up to six months a year in each other's countries with no visas or immigration issues, but after a year I'm getting restless and pretty sick of not having him around.

 

The argument for him moving to me:

  • I love my job. I mean when it's Friday I can't wait for it to be Monday again. I work for a small business and my boss is incredible, I get to have a pretty flexible schedule, I make a decent salary and can afford to live on my own...I just LOVE my job.

  • I'm still in college and don't want to lose many credits by transferring.

  • My dad isn't in the best of health and has to be hospitalized about once or twice a year. I have a little brother that can watch him, but if we're being honest he's not exactly the most responsible, and my dad relies on me more than he should to take care of his paperwork and ensure things are taken care of. I live about an hour away from him now, so I don't see him every day, but still...

  • It's much more affordable to live here. I'm scared of being homeless or putting a lot of burden on him if I move there and can't find a job right away.

  • Canada is cold.

 

The argument for me moving to him:

 

  • I can get a conjugal visa so we don't have to get married and he can still sponsor me. I love him, but I don't take marriage lightly, and I don't know if I'm ready for that step.

  • His mom isn't in the best health either and he's an only child so there's really no one other than her sisters to keep an eye on her.

  • He's a musician. He loves going to shows, loves jamming, etc. Toronto has a great music scene and he honestly loves it. I don't think he'd be super happy in Dallas. I guess we could move to Austin (amazing music city), but then I'd be leaving my job and family so why not just move to him?

  • Texas is hot. He complains when it's 80. It gets 115 regularly here.

  • He's very social and close to his friends. I'm more of a homebody. If he moved here he'd be leaving all of his friends, and I'm not apt to go out to shows with him until 1 or 2 am every weekend. I know he'd make new friends, but it makes me feel guilty and selfish.

  • We're both pretty liberal, and Texas....is not.... I don't know how my hippie socialist boyfriend would adjust to ultra conservative Texas.

 

Any advice? I just feel bad ripping him away from his home, his friends, and a city he loves. He says he can adapt better than I can and it's rare to love your job so much so he would rather come here. Still, I can't help but feel like he'd get here and regret it. I don't think I'm worth uprooting his entire life for. I'm close to my dad, but other than him and my job there's nothing really tying my to Texas. I'm also scared of depending on someone else. Here I have my own job, my own apartment, my car, my independence. It's terrifying to think about giving that up and relying on someone else for help while I get settled in somewhere else. I don't want to be selfish or unrealistic. Please help!

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The most important thing is whether either of you can legally work in the others country. If it's easier for one than the other, then try that for six months. You might have other problems unrelated to finance once you live together for an extended period.

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The most important thing is whether either of you can legally work in the others country. If it's easier for one than the other, then try that for six months. You might have other problems unrelated to finance once you live together for an extended period.

 

Thanks for the reply!

I could get a student visa there, or he could sponsor me on the conjugal visa I mentioned above. Then I'd be given permanent resident status. I'm a psychology student, but still working on my undergrad and he's a teacher so we don't have super specialized degrees that will get us a quick work visa. If he moved here I'd be able to sponsor him if we got married, but either way from both of us it's a big commitment. It's really difficult to get a work visa from either country. The ideal option would be to get a student visa to study there but then I could only work part time and a bunch of my credits wouldn't transfer.

 

So stressful!

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Thanks for the reply!

I could get a student visa there, or he could sponsor me on the conjugal visa I mentioned above. Then I'd be given permanent resident status. I'm a psychology student, but still working on my undergrad and he's a teacher so we don't have super specialized degrees that will get us a quick work visa. If he moved here I'd be able to sponsor him if we got married, but either way from both of us it's a big commitment. It's really difficult to get a work visa from either country. The ideal option would be to get a student visa to study there but then I could only work part time and a bunch of my credits wouldn't transfer.

 

So stressful!

 

Think seriously about what you want from life......but also remember that life is too short. Good luck what ever you decide :)

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Call me crazy but the focus you place on your job? You're an undergrad student in a field if study that necessitates a grad degree. Is your current job one you plan to keep post degree? Is your current income adequate to sustain both of you until he can secure employment?

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Call me crazy but the focus you place on your job? You're an undergrad student in a field if study that necessitates a grad degree. Is your current job one you plan to keep post degree? Is your current income adequate to sustain both of you until he can secure employment?

 

My job is as an office manager for a doctor. I manage 4 of his offices. I make more than enough money to pay all my bills, live debt free, and would be able to support us without any real hardship. I'm not pulling in six figures, but I don't really need to. Everyday I wake up happy and excited to go to work, I work with people who are like family to me, I don't have to answer to a horrible boss or worry about a huge corporate structure. I plan on doing this job through grad school, and hopefully beyond then. I'd be perfectly happy doing it long term. It's a professional job in an office environment with bonuses and huge growth potential. I'm going to college because I want to, not really because I need to do something in the field. I guess college is just something I want to do for myself, as weird as that sounds, but I'm paying for it as I go so I'm not racking up any debt either. I just want to see my degree on the wall and know I did it.

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Education is never weird not is justification req'd. You've got a sweet arrangement. Good for you.

 

Thanks, I know it doesn't make sense to a lot of people, but it's just a personal goal. I guess there are worse goals than wanting to be educated! Lol.

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So he needs to find out if he could teach in the US. I'd think he'd have to pass some sort of accreditation test to get licensed. I don't teach so I have no idea. Unless he taught at a private school. Actually, he probably wouldn't be able to teach in a public school because of the union stranglehold.

 

In that case, I hope he is secure in his manhood to not mind a woman making more money.

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In today's economy and low paying jobs you are amazingly lucky to have a decent job that you love it as well and are happy there means you are blessed as well.

Mine opinion is he should be the one to move he is done with school he can get music gig not so hard here I assume friends are close enough to visit once in while and in case of his parent hop on plane and 4 hours later he is there and that's it.

 

You on another hand are still student you refuse to have any debt you have great job and one day will have amazing career well paid one to he should be doing cheers and jumping up and down from joy for finding you although I do get its not easy for anyone to leave all they know ...

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I'm having sort of a similar dilemma this year I have made leaps and bounds in terms of my "career" before my current job I just had that jobs to keep me going through my studies (which I have now finished).

 

My partner is still studying and working a part-time job on the side. The thing is I may be promoted at the end of this month which would be a massive leap up the chain. My partner was considering coming over here on a working visa after her studies have finished which would be another year and a half at least.

 

I was possibly thinking about saving money this year and moving over to live with her on a working visa. We bought it up at the same time and just laughed about it, not sure what we are ultimately going to do.

 

Basically we want to live together 6 - 12 month at least to give us a proper go and see how things go from there. I'm pretty happy to move but that would probably mean building my way up again.

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A liberal musician from Toronto?????!!!???? ... Are you kidding me??

 

ME TOO!!

 

Let's just pray it's not the same guy eh!!! :laugh:

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Who should be the one to move?

Him. I too - like bluegreen - vote for Texas.

 

Why? For several reasons:

1) You won't find such a good job where he lives, and will struggle with finding anything that you can even like and get you the money

2) He can play anywhere

3) You are not 100% sure it will work and are very young

4) He wants to move there, while you have doubts on leaving

5) If later on, you settle down with him, his parents might move there (that's up to them), but anyway you'd have an easier life as a mom (don't underestimate that, because in some cases, moms are forced to quit their job)

... various more reasons

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Originally my partner said it made sense for him to move to me as he said he didn't have a life there and wasn't happy there, (although he does like his job, and it is his security).

There are several things keeping me here, I know it wouldn't work for me to move there, but in reality he can't take the chance of looking for a job here as the job situation is not good in Europe now.

And right now neither of us feel able to make the move.

 

It is a case of doing what feels right to you both, not looking at things through rose tinted specs, making sure you're not doing something you might regret or feel resentful about down the line.

Who has the most to lose, or gain, by moving?

 

Good luck, it's not easy.

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The most important thing is whether either of you can legally work in the others country. If it's easier for one than the other, then try that for six months. You might have other problems unrelated to finance once you live together for an extended period.

Canadians can work in the US on a yearly basis. THey have to pay for a TN visa at the border when they enter. And then just pay for the visa on a yearly basis. Often once employed they can get longer than a year.

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In today's economy and low paying jobs you are amazingly lucky to have a decent job that you love it as well and are happy there means you are blessed as well.

Mine opinion is he should be the one to move he is done with school he can get music gig not so hard here I assume friends are close enough to visit once in while and in case of his parent hop on plane and 4 hours later he is there and that's it.

 

You on another hand are still student you refuse to have any debt you have great job and one day will have amazing career well paid one to he should be doing cheers and jumping up and down from joy for finding you although I do get its not easy for anyone to leave all they know ...

 

I think this is the idea I am settling on. It's just very hard to ask someone to move their entire lives for you, ya know?

 

I'm having sort of a similar dilemma this year I have made leaps and bounds in terms of my "career" before my current job I just had that jobs to keep me going through my studies (which I have now finished).

 

My partner is still studying and working a part-time job on the side. The thing is I may be promoted at the end of this month which would be a massive leap up the chain. My partner was considering coming over here on a working visa after her studies have finished which would be another year and a half at least.

 

I was possibly thinking about saving money this year and moving over to live with her on a working visa. We bought it up at the same time and just laughed about it, not sure what we are ultimately going to do.

 

Basically we want to live together 6 - 12 month at least to give us a proper go and see how things go from there. I'm pretty happy to move but that would probably mean building my way up again.

It's frustrating, isn't it? Why can you just magically be in two places at once?! I mean, I know they say love conquers all, but I've been screwed enough to know that it's better to give yourself an out before jumping in headfirst and being foolish. I guess I'm trying to balance the lovesick part of me with the responsible part of me.

A liberal musician from Toronto?????!!!???? ... Are you kidding me??

 

ME TOO!!

 

Let's just pray it's not the same guy eh!!! :laugh:

 

Oh god how awkward would that be! :p

 

Him. I too - like bluegreen - vote for Texas.

 

Why? For several reasons:

1) You won't find such a good job where he lives, and will struggle with finding anything that you can even like and get you the money

2) He can play anywhere

3) You are not 100% sure it will work and are very young

4) He wants to move there, while you have doubts on leaving

5) If later on, you settle down with him, his parents might move there (that's up to them), but anyway you'd have an easier life as a mom (don't underestimate that, because in some cases, moms are forced to quit their job)

... various more reasons

 

Thank you thank you thank you! While I've firmly been in the no kid camp for awhile, I don't write off ever wanting them and it's surely something to think about. I appreciate the input. I think we are leaning more towards him coming to me. I just hope it all works out. Thank you so much!

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Originally my partner said it made sense for him to move to me as he said he didn't have a life there and wasn't happy there, (although he does like his job, and it is his security).

There are several things keeping me here, I know it wouldn't work for me to move there, but in reality he can't take the chance of looking for a job here as the job situation is not good in Europe now.

And right now neither of us feel able to make the move.

 

It is a case of doing what feels right to you both, not looking at things through rose tinted specs, making sure you're not doing something you might regret or feel resentful about down the line.

Who has the most to lose, or gain, by moving?

 

Good luck, it's not easy.

 

I feel like we are both kind of stuck. I can relate to how you are feeling, and it gets very frustrating. I don't know how to make things better and honestly on days like today I feel like throwing my hands up in the air and giving up. It's like some horrible rollercoaster.

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The Straightener

He should move. But in all actuality, the weather may be a deal breaker and he may give excuses about it being too hot. I think you should look for somebody in Texas.

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I'm sorry :( It's not easy is it, I feel like me and my partner went through the frustration phase over a year ago, after he was told he couldn't transfer his job, also split up for a bit earlier this year, but somehow still keep going as we don't seem to want to call it a day, just had a lovely few days together again, and just feel more bonded each time we meet.

 

Hang in there, one way or another things will work themselves out. Things will become clearer in time.

 

One thing I do know is that if two people who love each other cannot move for the foreseeable it doesn't mean you don't love each other enough or don't care enough (unless a couple is truly not compatible obviously), it just means that real life isn't always that straight forward, it's not black and white, that sometimes it is not possible for either of you to move right now, not because you don't want to be together but because other things besides your r/ship also come into play.

 

We all different people with differing situations, some people will have more opportunity to move or don't have as many things keeping them from moving.

 

If only life were simple.

 

LDR's are a mad rollercoaster for sure, I still don't want to get off though :o

 

For me it's worse to split up than to have what we have, even though it's far from perfect (ie living in different countries!), I don't want to lose what we have.

 

Stick with it, you'll have good phases and bad, try and ride the bad phases out, you know in your heart if your r/ship is worth fighting for, things can change for the better at any moment :)

 

 

I feel like we are both kind of stuck. I can relate to how you are feeling, and it gets very frustrating. I don't know how to make things better and honestly on days like today I feel like throwing my hands up in the air and giving up. It's like some horrible rollercoaster.
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Canadians can work in the US on a yearly basis. THey have to pay for a TN visa at the border when they enter. And then just pay for the visa on a yearly basis. Often once employed they can get longer than a year.

I didn't know that. I wonder if Americans can work in Canada just as easily. I wouldn't mind moving to Calgary but I can't even find Canadians on dating websites. They hibernate during the wihter.

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Him. I too - like bluegreen - vote for Texas.

 

Why? For several reasons:

1) You won't find such a good job where he lives, and will struggle with finding anything that you can even like and get you the money

2) He can play anywhere

3) You are not 100% sure it will work and are very young

4) He wants to move there, while you have doubts on leaving

5) If later on, you settle down with him, his parents might move there (that's up to them), but anyway you'd have an easier life as a mom (don't underestimate that, because in some cases, moms are forced to quit their job)

... various more reasons

 

I agree... I'm in a similar situation (US/CA) and we did some research on our situation. We both came to an agreement that the quality of our lives was more important than where we are. So that in itself took the pressure off of "do I go to you or do you come to me?". Well, it depends what we want and where we can get it.

 

If your bf is living in DT Toronto, rent is NOT cheap. In most cases, it's much more than a mortgage payment... and the condo fee's alone, if you ever wanted to buy looks fee's (not including mortgage) would be $500-$800/month. This is base on what I know from colleagues and friends who live in Toronto. I have a friend who lives 45 minutes outside of DT Toronto and is paying $900/month in condo fee's... for a one bedroom LOFT.

 

When I think about relocation, I think about what's best for the both of us. My only catch is I wouldn't move unless I was engaged because it's not easy and we have to be committed enough to see things through. Moving my life, recreating my business structure etc. I also have a lot of asset in my city (I own properties and a business). However, I don't see myself giving that up. I could see myself traveling back once a month or once every 6 weeks to manage my businesses. I have a support system that could help me do that too. It would be MUCH harder logistically for me to move, but on the career end, my boyfriend and I would be crazy to pluck him out of his industry. He is doing well and is specialized where as he probably wouldn't do as well in his field in my city.

 

Your education is like my business... I don't want to leave it behind. It is an absolute priority for me. But, if I can make it work, I will. I think your boyfriend being a musician and a teacher could move easier, because you are still studying. But he's got to want what's best for the both of you. IF you move to Toronto, you will be paying international education fee's if you transfer, some credits may not transfer as you said so you'll extend your education timeline, you'll have to pay for high expenses because Toronto (Canada for that matter) is more expensive than the US. I am always amazed when I go to Target! Can he carry that load with his teaching salary? Probably not. Why doesn't he look at other options in education? Like, is there a technology company that sells educational software that he could look into working for? It's similar to his field, but different. I'm thinking he needs to think outside the box on this one. As for the weather... well, nowhere is perfect. Yeah, it's hot in Texas but good god is it cold in Toronto. I would much rather be sweating my toosh off than freezing my ears off... and I'm a Canadian!

 

Canadians can work in the US on a yearly basis. THey have to pay for a TN visa at the border when they enter. And then just pay for the visa on a yearly basis. Often once employed they can get longer than a year.

 

This is great to know! Thank you. I wonder how easy it would be to find a position where I currently live and do a transfer to a US office?

 

I didn't know that. I wonder if Americans can work in Canada just as easily. I wouldn't mind moving to Calgary but I can't even find Canadians on dating websites. They hibernate during the wihter.

 

Really? Calgary? There are so many other beautiful cities in Canada. I have great friends who live in Calgary... but I don't like the idea of plugging in my car in the winter.

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I agree... I'm in a similar situation (US/CA) and we did some research on our situation. We both came to an agreement that the quality of our lives was more important than where we are. So that in itself took the pressure off of "do I go to you or do you come to me?". Well, it depends what we want and where we can get it.

 

If your bf is living in DT Toronto, rent is NOT cheap. In most cases, it's much more than a mortgage payment... and the condo fee's alone, if you ever wanted to buy looks fee's (not including mortgage) would be $500-$800/month. This is base on what I know from colleagues and friends who live in Toronto. I have a friend who lives 45 minutes outside of DT Toronto and is paying $900/month in condo fee's... for a one bedroom LOFT.

 

When I think about relocation, I think about what's best for the both of us. My only catch is I wouldn't move unless I was engaged because it's not easy and we have to be committed enough to see things through. Moving my life, recreating my business structure etc. I also have a lot of asset in my city (I own properties and a business). However, I don't see myself giving that up. I could see myself traveling back once a month or once every 6 weeks to manage my businesses. I have a support system that could help me do that too. It would be MUCH harder logistically for me to move, but on the career end, my boyfriend and I would be crazy to pluck him out of his industry. He is doing well and is specialized where as he probably wouldn't do as well in his field in my city.

 

Your education is like my business... I don't want to leave it behind. It is an absolute priority for me. But, if I can make it work, I will. I think your boyfriend being a musician and a teacher could move easier, because you are still studying. But he's got to want what's best for the both of you. IF you move to Toronto, you will be paying international education fee's if you transfer, some credits may not transfer as you said so you'll extend your education timeline, you'll have to pay for high expenses because Toronto (Canada for that matter) is more expensive than the US. I am always amazed when I go to Target! Can he carry that load with his teaching salary? Probably not. Why doesn't he look at other options in education? Like, is there a technology company that sells educational software that he could look into working for? It's similar to his field, but different. I'm thinking he needs to think outside the box on this one. As for the weather... well, nowhere is perfect. Yeah, it's hot in Texas but good god is it cold in Toronto. I would much rather be sweating my toosh off than freezing my ears off... and I'm a Canadian!

 

 

 

This is great to know! Thank you. I wonder how easy it would be to find a position where I currently live and do a transfer to a US office?

 

 

 

Really? Calgary? There are so many other beautiful cities in Canada. I have great friends who live in Calgary... but I don't like the idea of plugging in my car in the winter.

 

 

As always, Cherry, you are full of insight. :)

 

It really does make more sense for him to come to me. I'm someone who gets very distraught if I don't see commas in my bank and savings accounts, and I don't like to rely on anyone. I just wish I didn't feel so selfish about it. He's told me not to worry, that he really doesn't mind moving. I guess when he comes this week we'll have lots to discuss.

 

It sounds like you have yourself in quite the pickle as well! When you tie yourself with a business and property it's very hard to just break away from it.

 

Good luck! We both need it. :)

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Canadians can work in the US on a yearly basis. THey have to pay for a TN visa at the border when they enter. And then just pay for the visa on a yearly basis. Often once employed they can get longer than a year.

 

Um...TN status is not quite as easy as it sounds. The requirements:

 

Professionals of Canada or Mexico may work in the U.S. under the following conditions:

 

•Applicant is a citizen of Canada or Mexico;

•Profession is on the NAFTA list;

•Position in the U.S. requires a NAFTA professional;

•Mexican or Canadian applicant is to work in a prearranged full-time or part-time job, for a U.S. employer (see documentation required). Self employment is not permitted;

•Professional Canadian or Mexican citizen has the qualifications of the profession.

Note: The application requirements for citizens of Canada and Mexico, shown below are different.

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