After the first date

[edgygirl]

So we finally met 1.5 weeks ago, after talking for 2 months online. He came to my city to spend Thanksgiving with his family and we met the day after.

 

The bad part is we got drunk and the attraction and bedding was inevitable.

 

But it didn't kill the relationship, it seems. He's been contacting me, in a different way from the let's-get-to-know each-other emails from before, but still, we do talk.

 

The issue for me is we live 2 hours away (not that far) and I asked him if he has plans to come again (he has a brother and nieces in my city), and he said he had no specific plans but it never takes long for him to come here.

 

I keep thinking that if he really wanted to see me, he would at least invite me to visit him, which he didn't. He is a resident dr. and works very hard 6 days a week and sleeps most of his free time. Still, I would have time to visit him as I am freelancing now. But he didn't ask in the last week. And I am burning for him and miss him and am bothered at the lack of plans.

 

He seems to be kind of slower in general relationship-wise. He's kind very calm too as opposed to me. I am at an age where I want to find a partner and move things on. Me and him are the same age but soon it will be difficult for me to have kids... maybe that's why I am in a hurry to see where things go - my clock is ticking.

 

The issue is we don't have a connection yet where I can say these things. I would scare him off.

 

What can I do to make things move a bit w/o frightening the guy? It's hard for me to get interested in someone and I really want to get to know him better. But I refuse to be the pursuer as I know it ruins things when you're a woman.

 

Any constructive suggestions? Thanks!

[Carenth]

I don't know if this helps at all but one of my best friends is a resident dr. and works insanely stupid hours is totally focused on her career and has no time for a relationship even though she kind of wants one.

 

She just hooks up with people when she has time but isn't interested in settling down any time soon (because she is so focused on her career). She saiz all the residents she knows do exactly the same thing, reach out to people because they are lonely but are not interested in been tied down in a relationship.

[edgygirl]

Carenth, it does help... so I don't try to mask the reality... and what you said might just be the case. Although I read in forums that many people going through residency or med school do get married early, as it might be hard to go through it alone.

 

In his case, though... yes, it could be what goes on :/ Not sure I am entitled to ask him yet, although I should... I would prefer people were clear about what they want and let us chose if we want it just for a one night stand.

[Carenth]

I would seriously just straight up ask him. I hate to say it but it sounds like you were just a fun time to him while he was home visiting for the holidays. A lot of resident dr. also tend to be quite cold and detached... (they have to be to do the job they do).

 

He sounds just like my friend to be honest, happy to engage when she feels like it and it's on her terms, enjoys the attention because she is lonely but won't commit to anything serious.

[edgygirl]

Could be... but why did he email me every single day before coming, asking about me and things I liked etc.? He seemed to be trying to get to know me. He never, ever talked about sex or so. I feel it was almost my fault we got to bed, he didn't push for it... it was mutual and I am very sexual. I know it's not good for someone who wants LTR.

 

These (literally) dozen of emails back and forth trying to get to know me... It just sounds like too much investment to get laid ONCE. He doesn't seem to be a guy that needs that.

 

But I think having done that might have gotten him unexcited... as it was easy etc.

 

I agree with you, he seems to be kind of cold and detached like all docs. It's so hard to deal with.

 

After the fact, when I was feeling weird, I asked him if he came here just looking for a one night stand and he said that he did feel something special when we emailed back and forth... but also said that it would be easier if we lived in the same city.

 

He said we probably did not plan well and that we should meet for lunch next time he comes and walk in a park etc. I mean, why would he say these things? when we don't even live in the same city. it's too much blahblah to get laid once in a blue moon, in another city.

 

The thing that is making me sad is that he doesn't ask me to come see him or mentions a date he will come again.

Edited December 6, 2012 by edgygirl

[edgygirl]

Oh also want to point out - although he's a resident, he's 40. Usually people doing Residency are in their early 30s. So, I mean... although he is a man... at this age, he might be looking for the one. It just gets tiring to sleep around. Been there, done that.

[Carenth]

I don't know I think you might be looking in the wrong place, whilst I love my friend (as a friend) I know shes not really stable dating material.

 

She's in her mid twenties and it is actually the older residents who are the worst in her opinion they will seek out younger residents as trophies. I have a lot of friends with doctors as parents and in general they end up marrying other doctors.

 

I know I'm just generalizing but yeah I wouldn't get your hopes up about this guy, whilst it sounds dreamy on paper been in a relationship with a doctor I imagine for a lot of people it would be very stressful and it doesn't help that you are in different cities as well.

 

My friend also keeps in contact with some people she had one night stands with because as I said she wants a relationship but won't commit to one but will take whatever attention she can get when it suits her.

[justwhoiam]

I agree with everything Carenth said.

 

But if you want to give it a try, be proactive with him. He's slow. That alone would turn me off, but well, you are into him. So... I don't remember what your job is, but you can call him and tell him that you'll be in his city for work on day X. Like the next week. You ask him if he would be available to meet up for lunch or something like that. See what he says. Be brief. If he says he needs to look at his schedule, you say: "ok, let me know by the end of the week, so that I can arrange my own schedule". If he says he's on duty, you'll say: "ok, too bad, maybe there'll be another chance. Bye." If he says he will meet you, you can say "Ok. I'll email you, so that we can arrange what to do or where to go." In this latter case, you can google up some places and give him like 3 options, asking him if he knows the places and what he thinks, and asking him if he knows any better place he would like to go to.

 

If you are able to meet him like that, congrats. Don't try to be fun too hard, just be yourself. Don't drink. Don't kiss him, don't hug him, let him do the first move, if any. But don't be cold. If you're going to be yourself and being so much into him, I guess you wouldn't be cold anyway. Probably your interest would show. When you're looking into each other's eyes ask him the questions that have been on your mind for quite some time.

"John (let's assume his name is John), what do you think about me?" Most likely, he won't say anything negative, men are like that, they prefer not to hurt your feelings...

"Have you ever met anyone who you felt was worth spending your life with?" "Or maybe you didn't realize back then and you only realized too late? When she was gone?" Keep asking such generic, but deep questions, so that you get to know what he thinks and his attitude towards a relationship. He might get to the point himself to tell you his job doesn't allow him to have a stable relationship, or that he's just not looking for one. If you get such clear answers, it's really time to move on, because you'd be just wasting your time with him, no matter how interesting he is. If he comes up as unclear about what he really wants, like "I've never met anyone like that..." or "I don't know"... There's still hope about anything happening, you just don't have to blow it.

 

GL

[todreaminblue]

Oh also want to point out - although he's a resident, he's 40. Usually people doing Residency are in their early 30s. So, I mean... although he is a man... at this age, he might be looking for the one. It just gets tiring to sleep around. Been there, done that.

 

 

I think its unfair at any time, any age or any profession to base a relationship on when it suits yoru own personal needs that isnt a relationship.......in my opinion......

 

 

i hope it isnt the case with your friend...it should be give and take....

 

 

or it is the sound of one hand clapping here ill do it.....silence.....

 

 

fat lot of use that was huh....

 

 

same with a relationship....its just not fiair.....on you and your hopes and aspirations...fine he is a doctor..doesnt make you less important in the scheme of things...if he wants part time he should tell you......i hope your relationship isnt the sound of one hand clappping and i wish you the best with him or with someone who does know how to have a relationship....best wishes....deb

[edgygirl]

Thanks justwhoiam, I read a few of your posts in the forum and appreciate your way of thinking (very direct, like me). funny thing is how I was thinking today that he being slow is kind of tiring me... I like passion. I like all or nothing. I like burning and I like people who are into me, can't help it and show it. I do have commitment issues when someone is too into me, but that's a separate chapter. I don't like someone slow in the beginning. this slowness and indecision/coldness/patience he has with things is tiring me...

 

I like your idea of going there but he knows I am working freelance now and he'd know I am not traveling much as in my last job. Perhaps I'll do these things if / when we meet again. The thing is I don't even know myself if I am THAT into him... I haven't spent enough time with him to be sure. I have no clue how coupledom with him would be. BUT I wanted to get to know him... as I rarely get interested in someone and he did interest me, I am very attracted to him although he's not my typical type, and I like that he is calm, and seems to be sweet and gentle.

 

Problem is lately when we text after a while it gets into sex as we are kind of too hot for each other. It's my fault too. I think things just started on the wrong feet and not sure we can go back now. I keep beating myself as I don't know if it's my behavior that turned him off or he just doesn't see me as relationship material for his tastes.

 

todreaminblue - I also think it's unfair to not be available because of career etc, but I am guilty of doing the same thing in my early 30s. we do let cool people pass by unknowingly, thinking there will be time to meet someone cool later. I wish I knew better. Things only get more difficult with time.

[justwhoiam]

Thanks justwhoiam, I read a few of your posts in the forum and appreciate your way of thinking

Thanks.

 

I like passion. I like all or nothing.

That sounds like me.

 

I don't like someone slow in the beginning. this slowness and indecision/coldness/patience he has with things is tiring me...

I hear ya. Big red flag.

 

I like your idea of going there but he knows I am working freelance now and he'd know I am not traveling much as in my last job.

I don't know what kind of freelance job it is, so I can't comment on that. You could do that in January, very casually.

 

 

Problem is lately when we text after a while it gets into sex as we are kind of too hot for each other.

You need to handle the situation so that it doesn't turn against you. Be more diplomatic. Until when you meet him again and get to ask him questions... Don't virtually jump on him the very second he texts something sexual-related.