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First meeting after 2 months. Hurt and sad.


Long-Distance Relationships Coping with geographical distance can make or break a LDR. Share your experiences and questions here.

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Old 26th November 2012, 6:31 PM   #1
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First meeting after 2 months. Hurt and sad.

So I met this guy online and we've been emailing/texting/talking for two months and he asked me a month ago if I was going to be in my city for Thanksgiving as he was coming to visit part of his family. We are both 40. The conversations intensified over the last month (daily) and the expectations ran high.

So we finally meet on the weekend. I know I looked good (all guys stared at me in the restaurant), and I did feel there was chemistry. But as the alcohol was poured and I felt comfortable with him, somehow he extracted things about me/my family that I would not normally tell. Nothing too crazy, just things that I don't ever tell anyone like my fights with my brother since I was born, etc.

I also think I was trying too hard to be sociable (I talked with people in the table beside us when he was in the bathroom, laughed with the waitress etc). I think I was just trying to show that I am friendly/funny but maybe it came across as trying too hard (?)
In any case, we went to another bar and had a glass of whiskey as well. Inhibitions disappeared and we kissed PDA-like sitting at the counter.

We ended up in my place (his family lives a little far from the city and he did not have his car) and ended up having sex (many many times) the whole night. It was quite good and I was surprised by his technique which left me a bit confused with all the alcohol. I would say my performance wasn't the best.

In any case, next morning all the sweetness from the 2 last months had disappeared. We had sex in the morning again, and after he showered he sat in the sofa saying nothing, it made me so uncomfortable. I am not sure now if the sweetness before meeting was in my head or things just changed after sex or after we finally met.

He was supposed to stay in the city for 2 more days. He left in the afternoon to visit a friend who had a baby. Didn't hear from him at all that day. Next day after lunch he sends me a How you're doing message. By then I was so angry and sad that apparently he did plan to see me again before leaving that I decided to make him wait about 2-3 hours and then I replied saying I was recovering from having gone out last night. Asked him if he was having fun or prepping to go back home. He only answered 6 hours later, when I was at a bar having a girls night out. He only said he was going back to work tomorrow. I told him I was having this girls night out fun. Haven't heard back from him. I must say he works in shifts crazy hours for now but still...
I think I gave the impression that I drink too much, when it happened only this weekend. So today I said I think I was tipsy when I sent him my last message and asked him when was his shift today. No word back.

I have the impression I should understand he is not that into me anymore and suck it up.

But it hurts as we had a lot of chemistry talking before meeting, seems we have the same background and goals in life, we are just a match.

I was thinking maybe he thinks I am too old as we're the same age and he doesn't want to rush into having kids or so.

I am writing to vent and to hear from you guys some advice on how to get over it and the (apparent) rejection. It kind of hurts because we were a good match and in my age it's hard to become interested in someone. I know we needed more time to get to know each other and I feel bad I could not resist to get in bed with him. Specially because I've decided to not go to bed with anyone I did not have some feelings for since I broke up with my ex last April. So it's been forever, and I was super craving it.

Also he did not use protection, how could we be so stupid? Specially that he is in the medical field.

Ouch it kind of hurts... I guess I should just shut up and not contact him ever again. I guess he just contacted me to be polite and not feel like a jerk.

If he didn't like me, why did he sleep with me? ugh. That's so lame after talking with someone for so long. Or maybe he didn't like me after he slept with me? I'm so confused.
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Old 26th November 2012, 10:48 PM   #2
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I'm sorry but never sleep with strangers - especially unprotected. Consider this a lesson learnt for when you meet someone else. Take it slow and don't be so eager to please. Good luck
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Old 30th November 2012, 9:36 AM   #3
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Where did you go wrong? You had sex with him multiple times with an undefined relationship going on. First you had to ask him how he felt about you... and then see if it was the case. Or the risk was having a sort of one-night stand with him. Also, drinking all that alcohol, then saying you were having nights out and mentioning you were tipsy didn't help him having a good impression of you. Live and learn...
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Old 3rd December 2012, 12:59 PM   #4
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My thoughts as a 23 year old male:

It doesn't matter that he doesn't 'like' you. For a guy to want to have sex doesn't take that much. For me personally, if i'm horny, there's chemistry and the girl is at least respectful i'll pursue sex with her. This is my version of liking someone. It doesn't matter that I don't see her as a long term prospect. Eg, she may be overweight, too boring, unintelligent, too career focused, too outgoing, too physically unattractive etc. None of this matters if i'm horny, there's chemistry and she's respectful.

If I do see you as a long term prospect I still might not pursue the relationship if I'm not ready for getting involved on that level.

This guy may be in the latter category. However, it's far more likely that he just wanted to have sex with you regardless of any long term potential; once he's done the deed you no longer hold his interest.

The best thing to do is to text him that you want to see him again but it's up to him to get in contact. 1 text message. If he doesn't contact you then there's nothing you can do.

Trying to find the reason why he didn't make contact after you had sex is pointless. Your'll never know why.
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Old 3rd December 2012, 1:54 PM   #5
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This is why I have always believed that alcohol should never be involved on a first date/meeting period.

Don't beat yourself up over this. It was a mitake that you will lean from. We all make mistakes. Nothing you can do to change things now.

Keep your head up!
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Old 3rd December 2012, 2:01 PM   #6
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I feel bad for you but you really, really put yourself in a vulnerable position, on many different levels, for no good reasons whatsoever.

Even without the drinking and sex stuff, I strongly believe it's a big mistake when people get all falsely intimate and invested in a "relationship" based on emails and phone talks alone.

Next time, keep some good boundaries in place for quite a while when you're interested in somebody.

I hope you have no chance of being pregnant, and that you'll get all the tests.
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Old 3rd December 2012, 2:35 PM   #7
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I'm glad there are other people who think the same as me, I was shot down in flames one time on this board when I said I found it crazy that people talk about being in love with someone they've never met and then breaking up with someone they've never actually met.

I don't mean the OP here, as they did meet!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mme. Chaucer View Post
I feel bad for you but you really, really put yourself in a vulnerable position, on many different levels, for no good reasons whatsoever.

Even without the drinking and sex stuff, I strongly believe it's a big mistake when people get all falsely intimate and invested in a "relationship" based on emails and phone talks alone.

Next time, keep some good boundaries in place for quite a while when you're interested in somebody.

I hope you have no chance of being pregnant, and that you'll get all the tests.
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Old 4th December 2012, 12:29 AM   #8
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what was the wind-up did he ever contact u again? did u get in touch with him? whats the tone of things now . please write us back. there may be more insight at this time
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Old 4th December 2012, 8:16 PM   #9
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Hi guys, thanks for all your answers, finally found my way to this thread again and also posted a new one today: After the first date

So he did contact me... I feel it's because we did make quite a strong connection online before meeting. And the night we met there was indeed a super strong attraction from both of us.

So I realized after our date that I did a big mistake as I was nervous before meeting him - I took a calming pill and then drank over it... that's why I did not have much control after drinking. I also felt like I did not behave like myself, I was too agitated. I ended up telling him by email what happened. He is a doctor and I think he understood it. He answered by text saying he got my email, that he was at work but was going to reply in full that evening. He did and was very sweet. He said we prob didn't plan our meeting well. That next time we should go for lunch and walk in a park. In a getting to know each other better way.

After sending me the email, he also called me. He knew I was feeling very embarrassed.

I can tell he is being a man and trying to keep a little distance as compared to before meeting, he is probably trying to figure out his feelings. But he is still sweet when we talk.

I do have other options but I keep thinking about him.

Yesterday he wasn't busy at work and we texted for 2 hours.

I am not sure how to take things from here as I really want to see him again but there are no concrete plans so far. That's why I posted this other thread today. Would be nice to hear what you guys think
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Old 4th December 2012, 8:19 PM   #10
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ps: in his email, he said that as me, he also got a little sad after we met and he didn't know why. I know why. we were so nervous and got drunk after (plus the bed thing) that it was hard to feel we made an emotional connection. I know it sounds girly to say this, but I do feel he probably experienced it the same way that I did.

he didn't seem to be after sex only. he is polite, sweet... he talks about things that decent guys (not jerks) talk about. he used to ask about my life, my interests etc.
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Old 8th December 2012, 2:38 AM   #11
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take it one day at a time. i know he says hes in the medical field but a person who doesnt use protection might just be talking crap. i dk. all i know for a fact is this. no matter any temptation ...if u EVER see him again. i would meet only in public or a double date and would NOT have sex with him for a long long time. dont beat yourself up for this ...but honestly go get tested......and be strong and go to this site
How Men Fall In Love (Mat Boggs creator of Cracking The Man Code) - YouTube

after u go to this site remember this rule of thumb that john gray relationship expert said...... before sex a man isnt thinking.....afterwards he is. before sex a woman is thinking.....afterwards she isnt. now its just a principle. also there is the principle that a man no matter how much he likes you or is interested....or not.....will wonder....has she done this before with other men? yes its hypocritical but they are wired like this a lot of men ...and honest ones will admit it. they wonder........have u been this easy b4 and will u be this way again. so let him know your NOT used to drinking and made a mistake. and go by the site in the future. it hurts but these are lessons we all learn. hopefully in time he will see how u really are and wont be so suspicious. also be suspicious of him a bit. this dating time in life is a time for YOu to interview a man and let him prove himself to you. when they work for u......they can appreciate having you more. its just their nature. good luck . be blessed
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