Long-distance relationship + depression + jealousy = recipe for disaster!

[0livine]

Hi all, this is my first post here as I just joined today.

 

This is what I posted an hour or two ago in a different forum, which is focused on mental issues such as depression.

 

"My boyfriend and I (both 18 years old) had/have a perfect relationship. From our very first date he told me that he had depression. It was a shock, but what was more shocking was that even though he has dated before, only I and his mother knew. He later said that he did that because he had such a good feeling about me right from the beginning, like he trusted me that much already. He has siblings, his father, and loads of friends including his best friend who he's known since childhood, but none of them know.

 

He was/is my first ever boyfriend, and we lost our virginities to eachother this summer. A few weeks ago we celebrated 6 months together. He seemed happier than I've ever seen him.

 

I have been with him through some very dark times, and we got through them together. It helped that we were seeing eachother almost every day, as we were at school together. But when things turned long-distance (he lives about 3 hours away from me) we both became much more emotional. Recently he's not been taking his anti-depressents, and although that's his decision, it doesn't seem like he can handle things without them just yet. He exclaims that he's 'just so tired' and 'can't think straight' and 'doesn't know what he wants'. On top of this I have been rather an emotional wreck recently, getting ready to leave home for the first time for uni (he is going next year). I hadn't been stable enough for him to lean on, so we had arguments.

 

2 days ago, he broke up with me. I fell to pieces, and was shocked but not surprised. Ever since, I have felt physically sick to my stomach, and haven't eaten or slept much. Asking him if he still loved me, he replied 'I don't know anymore...I don't know anything anymore.' This broke me, but I could tell that he was very down, and I only wish he hadn't made such a serious decision whilst not really himself. This was in the afternoon, and in the evening I texted him to ask if we could talk some more. It was emotional and fairly pointless. He said he would think further about his decision overnight.

 

Yesterday night, he called and he said he still couldn't think straight and needed to calm his head, as he had a migraine. On the phone he sounded so tragic, and was almost whispering. I asked how his day was, and we chatted for a bit. I even managed to get a chuckle out of him! He calmed down into the conversation, and I told him I wanted to be there for him through this, even if we can't be together. He doesn't have much support at home, he isn't close to his family or friends, only me. He said he feels like he has to do it alone, and I stressed to him that he doesn't. So he agreed and will call me again today to talk.

 

This week is my birthday on Friday, and on Sunday I'll be going to uni. The catch is that my uni is only half an hour away from him! We've agreed that when I am all settled in we will meet up.

 

I don't know how he feels about me or our current 'relationship' but it comforts me that we don't hate eachother, we are just being friendly at the moment, and he knows he has me to talk all this through with. In the past he's expressed 'you deserve better' and 'how could you love someone like me?' Although we can't be together right now, I hope that when he heals himself he will see that I care enough about him to stick by him, even through our own breakup."

 

Another thing to mention is that he has expressed some jealousy of me. I, unlike him, am very close with my family. I also have done well to get into a good uni, and sadly he received bad news on results day, which is why he can't go to uni this year. It makes me feel bad to think that my success has contributed to him feeling down.

 

Based on what I said above, what I've been doing, and his responses, do you think we can get back together at some point? He's said in the past that I'm his first true love and that he would never leave me, he's even mentioned marriage. I know it will take patience, but I want to help him until he gets better. Has anyone been through a similar relationship, or dealt with depression like this? Any advice or tips would be appreciated.

[justwhoiam]

do you think we can get back together at some point?

Yes. But what's the point? You'd have - if not an unhappy life - some unhappy years for sure. You must think of your own health too.

[0livine]

Yes. But what's the point? You'd have - if not an unhappy life - some unhappy years for sure. You must think of your own health too.

 

True but if I can't handle his depression then no-one can. We are meant to be together. I also want myself to be happy, but it will be with him not without him. He needs me.

[justwhoiam]

True but if I can't handle his depression then no-one can. We are meant to be together. I also want myself to be happy, but it will be with him not without him. He needs me.

I understand your good will, but you are being a bit naive. You believe that your love will cure him. Did you consider that he can drag you into his spiral? Are you ready for years of depression? Are you ready to sacrifice YOUR NEEDS to take care of his? You are only 18. Is he being treated? Is he well disposed to people helping him? Seems not.

[0livine]

I understand your good will, but you are being a bit naive. You believe that your love will cure him. Did you consider that he can drag you into his spiral? Are you ready for years of depression? Are you ready to sacrifice YOUR NEEDS to take care of his? You are only 18. Is he being treated? Is he well disposed to people helping him? Seems not.

 

Yes, he may be off his meds right now but he does appreciate my help. I am hoping that it won't be long before he's a bit better.

[Chris516]

Hi all, this is my first post here as I just joined today.

 

This is what I posted an hour or two ago in a different forum, which is focused on mental issues such as depression.

 

"My boyfriend and I (both 18 years old) had/have a perfect relationship. From our very first date he told me that he had depression. It was a shock, but what was more shocking was that even though he has dated before, only I and his mother knew. He later said that he did that because he had such a good feeling about me right from the beginning, like he trusted me that much already. He has siblings, his father, and loads of friends including his best friend who he's known since childhood, but none of them know.

 

He was/is my first ever boyfriend, and we lost our virginities to eachother this summer. A few weeks ago we celebrated 6 months together. He seemed happier than I've ever seen him.

 

I have been with him through some very dark times, and we got through them together. It helped that we were seeing eachother almost every day, as we were at school together. But when things turned long-distance (he lives about 3 hours away from me) we both became much more emotional. Recently he's not been taking his anti-depressents, and although that's his decision, it doesn't seem like he can handle things without them just yet. He exclaims that he's 'just so tired' and 'can't think straight' and 'doesn't know what he wants'. On top of this I have been rather an emotional wreck recently, getting ready to leave home for the first time for uni (he is going next year). I hadn't been stable enough for him to lean on, so we had arguments.

 

2 days ago, he broke up with me. I fell to pieces, and was shocked but not surprised. Ever since, I have felt physically sick to my stomach, and haven't eaten or slept much. Asking him if he still loved me, he replied 'I don't know anymore...I don't know anything anymore.' This broke me, but I could tell that he was very down, and I only wish he hadn't made such a serious decision whilst not really himself. This was in the afternoon, and in the evening I texted him to ask if we could talk some more. It was emotional and fairly pointless. He said he would think further about his decision overnight.

 

Yesterday night, he called and he said he still couldn't think straight and needed to calm his head, as he had a migraine. On the phone he sounded so tragic, and was almost whispering. I asked how his day was, and we chatted for a bit. I even managed to get a chuckle out of him! He calmed down into the conversation, and I told him I wanted to be there for him through this, even if we can't be together. He doesn't have much support at home, he isn't close to his family or friends, only me. He said he feels like he has to do it alone, and I stressed to him that he doesn't. So he agreed and will call me again today to talk.

 

This week is my birthday on Friday, and on Sunday I'll be going to uni. The catch is that my uni is only half an hour away from him! We've agreed that when I am all settled in we will meet up.

 

I don't know how he feels about me or our current 'relationship' but it comforts me that we don't hate eachother, we are just being friendly at the moment, and he knows he has me to talk all this through with. In the past he's expressed 'you deserve better' and 'how could you love someone like me?' Although we can't be together right now, I hope that when he heals himself he will see that I care enough about him to stick by him, even through our own breakup."

 

Another thing to mention is that he has expressed some jealousy of me. I, unlike him, am very close with my family. I also have done well to get into a good uni, and sadly he received bad news on results day, which is why he can't go to uni this year. It makes me feel bad to think that my success has contributed to him feeling down.

 

Based on what I said above, what I've been doing, and his responses, do you think we can get back together at some point? He's said in the past that I'm his first true love and that he would never leave me, he's even mentioned marriage. I know it will take patience, but I want to help him until he gets better. Has anyone been through a similar relationship, or dealt with depression like this? Any advice or tips would be appreciated.

 

The alarm bell going off in my head is one of grave concern, while here in the US, anti-depressants have been judged to potentially cause suicidal ideation in patients that are prescribed anti-depressants. If he is on prescribed anti-depressants, he needs to get back on them. Because he sounds like he is preparing to commit suicide.