My LDR. (a bit long)

[dreamy_5]

[font=arial]I'm new to this here forum. I came here looking for support and advice from others in a LDR. Mine is fairly new. It's only been 5 months. My bf and I are about 600 miles apart, but it seems much farther. We talk everyday and we visit as often as possible, usually every 4-6 weeks. I was just there this weekend for his b-day and it was wonderful, as it always is when we're together.

We've been discussing the idea of me moving. Based on our current situations, it would be easier for me to move than for him. I have days where I'm ready to go. In fact, I didn't want to come home Sunday, but I did. Everytime I go see him, he says he's going to kidnap me and not let me leave. I remind him that I have a job and bills to pay. Those are my major set-backs. Finding a job near him would be a struggle since he lives in such a small town. If I wanted to make the money I make here, I'd have at least an hour commute each way. That's a lot compared to my 20 minutes now. It's not that big a deal, but I'm worried about just finding a job in general. He's very old fashioned and thinks once I move there, our bills would be a joint effort. I don't want him to think of it that way... at least not until we're married. So for the past couple months, I've said I can't do anything until 1) my bills are paid off (which will take forever) or 2) I have a job already lined up there. More recently I'm trying to get rid of any fear and just go for it. Life is full of hard decisions, but sometimes you just have to follow your heart. I've never been able to do that before, but this time it's different. The distance is SOOOOO hard for me. So I told him before we went to the airport on Sunday that I wanted to stay. All he had to do was say the word and I wouldn't leave. Well, surprise to me, he said he wasn't comfortable with that. His reasoning is that he doesn't want me to make the decision when I'm there. He knows that when we're together I'm happy and he's worried that it was more of an impulse decision than a carefully thought out decision. He said he's scared that I'll move there, hate it and leave him. Which is SOOO not the case. And as much as that hurt, I respect his feelings and opinion. I feel rejected and confused. But at the same time, I love him so much more for looking at the big picture. He said he wants to wait a month or so to make sure that my decision is for real. I just don't know what to do. I want to be with him so bad it hurts. Something needs to change. Either I learn how to deal with the LDR thing better or one of us needs to move. If anyone has any advice I'd really appreciate it.[/font]

[moimeme]

You have to think worst-case scenario. If, God forbid, you move there and it doesn't work out, then what?

 

I have twice moved for relationships; once for an LDR and once for a relationship I was in. In both cases, I didn't land a job before I moved and took a huge economic hit because of that. People thought it was brave and romantic of me, and I suppose it was, but I've suffered fiscally ever since.

 

It's very nice of him to say that he'll take care of you, but you probably, like me, like to make your own way in life and not feel like a leech.

 

Use the time until you move to do whatever you can to find a job in his town. That way, no matter what happens, you'll have a safety net.

[morrigan]

I live in a very small town, I like the rural area but it's not for everyone. If you're used to going out frequently or having a wide variety or restaurants/stores, you will have to get adjusted to it. And it's hard to find good paying jobs. Like Moimeme said, definitely do not move until you've found employment in the area.

 

If there is any possible way you could save up some money, do so--if your move doesn't work out, you can move back to where you currently reside.

[dreamy_5]

moimeme:

I am definitely concerned with the possibility of it not working out. And I absolutely do not want my situation to get any worse, as far as money goes. I have posted applications on-line and have gotten replies. Like I said, if I were to get a job... it would be about 1+ hour commute each way. Normally that wouldn't bother me so much, but with the hours he works... we'd barely be able to see each other on weekdays then. If I were to make such a sacrafice and take such a chance... what point would there be if I didn't see him most of the time anyway? So that is a definite concern. I realize that making the decision without landing a job first is a HUGE gamble and that's what I've been fighting with for months. I guess I'm just getting to the point of wanting to be happy regardless of the risks. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to work. He's said the same thing, but he just can't seem to get those old fashioned ideals out of his head. I love that about him, but sometimes it drives me nuts.

 

morrigan:

Small towns are definitey an adjustment. I guess I'm a bit lucky because my family lives in the same town he does. I've been going there for years during the summer, for reunions, whatever. I've always loved it down there. The pace is completely different and I love that. It does suck that you have to drive hours to find a store I can get to in 5 minutes, but sacrafices can be made in that department. It's just really hard to convince myself to wait when I'm so unhappy where I am. Not to mention hearing his point of view about it makes me think it wouldn't be a good thing. We're just not on the same schedule of thinking. And until we are, I guess things will have to remain the same. Luckily, we've decided to meet each other half way this weekend, so maybe we'll be able to sit down and discuss everything more.

 

Thank you both for your input!!!

[moimeme]

Like I said, if I were to get a job... it would be about 1+ hour commute each way. Normally that wouldn't bother me so much, but with the hours he works... we'd barely be able to see each other on weekdays then.

 

That's not nearly as insurmountable as the distance you're at now - and it means you would be employed. I'd say that this should not stop you. You'll have weekends and nights and a couple of hours in the evenings and that may well change over time as your jobs change. It would be my suggestion to move if you get one of those jobs.

[dreamy_5]

Well, I think what I'm going to do is get my bills paid off as quickly as possilbe. I'm looking into loans and that kind of stuff. Once my bills are paid off, I can move there with no "baggage" and start fresh with him. I still plan to find a job, but it would be so much nicer to go there with no bills. That's my pan, but I don't know how I'm going to hold off that long. We've only been together 5 months, but it feels more like 5 years. I just hope it gets easier to cope with because it really sucks.