Cheated on long distance boyfriend ... Feel sick :(

[Never ever again]

My boyfriend and I have a relationship that spans 2 decades but it never lasted before because it was just too hard. But technology has evolved so much now that it makes a cross-continental relationship bearable, with Skype etc we see each other pretty much every day.

I have physically seen him 3 times In 10 months and that's the tough part ... I want to be with him all the time, but both our circumstances dictate that we can't be together just now but we are making plans for the future ...

It's the not knowing what's gonna happen and there being no definite end in sight to the painful loneliness that is making me pretty miserable. Also I miss having physical human contact and my sex drive would be above average. All these things add up to me being lonely and frustrated.

I explained this to him and his advice was to just go have sex with someone if it will scratch an itch for me.

I was pretty shocked at this. I had spent the last 10 months living like a nun and he came out with that. He insists that he isn't f buddying anyone, as I immediately Thought he must have something on the side at home if he was so glibly able to suggest that.

Anyway it has been weeks since he made that suggestion and I obviously have gotten over my shock and disdain as I ended up having sex with an ex at the weekend.

I am guilt ridden and really regret it. All it has done is confirm to me that I really don't want to be with anyone but my boyfriend ... I feel I should tell him but I don't want to upset him or give him cause for doubt and there is absolutely NO chance of it ever happening again ... I just don't know what to say or do next

[justwhoiam]

Repeat this to yourself: Why did I do that? Why did I do that? Why did I do that?

 

My boyfriend and I have a relationship that spans 2 decades

20 years of what? Long-distance friendship?

 

I have physically seen him 3 times In 10 months and that's the tough part ... I want to be with him all the time

That is what you have to bear when you are in a LDR: distance.

 

we can't be together just now but we are making plans for the future ...

What kind of plans?

 

It's the not knowing what's gonna happen and there being no definite end in sight to the painful loneliness that is making me pretty miserable.

I definitely know how you feel. Most people in LDRs live day by day... some make definite plans setting deadlines.

 

Also I miss having physical human contact and my sex drive would be above average.

I have above-average drive too. You're not alone on that.

 

I explained this to him and his advice was to just go have sex with someone if it will scratch an itch for me.

Men's minds often surprise me, as I'm sure men are often surprised at women's way of reasoning. Would it be because he loves you so much that he wants you happy? Is that the best way to have you happy? Hmm...

 

I ended up having sex with an ex at the weekend.

See my first line.

 

I don't want to upset him or give him cause for doubt and there is absolutely NO chance of it ever happening again ... I just don't know what to say or do next

Don't ever say you won't do it again... You've been weak and it might happen again. You can't know how worse it can get for you.

If he's one of those guys saying: whatever happens, I don't want to know > don't ever tell him.

If, on the other hand, he's all about honesty and made clear that whatever happens, he would like to know > you must tell him.

You might lose him, there's no way of sugar-coating the pill. Your only chance, but I wouldn't use it (as it would sound puerile), is mentioning that he suggested it.

[jimloveslips]

20 years?

Really?

Some people can do it, but you guys need to either make a commitment or forget about it. If it was working for you, you wouldn't be writing here.

 

Hey, he was cool with you screwing around so don't feel bad about it, some guys don't see sex and romance as intrinsically entwined (you'll forgive me for saying he's probably been doing the same thing - 20 years, really?)

 

"All it has done is confirm to me that I really don't want to be with anyone but my boyfriend"

 

There you go, you've already made up your mind, just tell him everything is happening a lot sooner than planned. If he baulks then drop him, he's been having LDR and SDR with anyone and everyone - 20 years, like really??

[TaraMaiden]

Have you stopped to consider that he might have told you to scratch the itch - because he's already done it too...?

 

Ask him next time... casually bring it up, tell him how surprised you were, raise it somehow... and ask him - would he feel comfortable doing it?

 

Has he in fact, done it?

 

I think for a guy to tell his GF to go 'scratch an itch'.... I dunno.... seems to me he's giving you 'permission' to do that, because it would let him off the hook.

And please don't say "he's not like that....."

 

Guys are very possessive about their GFs and any man I know would HATE the idea of another man invading private territory.

Guys don't like women who sleep around....especially when they're supposed to be in a relationship with them.

so for him to apparently give you carte blanche, well.... that would immediately raise a red suspicious flag for me....

[LittleTiger]

I don't think you need to feel guilty. The rules of any relationship are written by the people in that relationship. Have a look around LS and you will see how many different forms of relationship there are that don't follow the standard 'two people being faithful and monogamous'.

 

If you are separated from your sexual partner for months on end, and especially if you have a high sex drive, it is really, really tough. I know, because that's how I live. Temptation will eventually raise it's head and it's always best to agree, in advance, with your partner what the 'acceptable' response to that is. In my own relationship we didn't see each other physically for 10 months last year and we almost went down the same route that you two have discussed.

 

Given the length of your relationship, I am rather surprised that this situation hasn't arisen before now. Remember, whatever you are feeling, it is possible that he is feeling the same things. Whatever you are capable of doing, he is probably capable of too. If he has given you 'permission' to have sex outside your relationship, then he may well have already given in to temptation himself - maybe but not definitely. If you think you could cope with the answer, perhaps you could ask him.

 

When he mentioned you 'scratching your itch', did he say he didn't want to know about it? If so, I don't see a problem here. If not, maybe you could ask him the question - "In the hypothetical situation that I scratch my itch, do you want me to tell you or not?" The 'rules' of your relationship have been renegotiated so it would seem sensible to ensure that you both understand what those new rules are.

 

When/if you are able to be together full time, then the rules can be changed again.

 

One word of caution - if you do decide to have sex with other people, just remember to be careful about STDs.

[Never ever again]

When I say it spans 2 decades, I actually mean 3! The 90sthe 00s and now. We haven’t been in a relationship this whole time, this is our 4th attempt at it now. Circumstance and distance proved too much inthe past. But with technology what it is now, it makes everything so much easier.

Apart from that one little detail, that no amount of skyping can resolve.

 

He didn’t say whether he wanted to know if I scratched ornot. But he made the suggestion – and of course I immediately thought that hehad been at it himself, otherwise he would never have said it. But he insist snot.

 

I told him I actually don’t care, just don’t have me sat here like a Nun if you are.

The dichotomy of the situation is that I CAN separate outthe 2 things, I’m just not sure if he does and I don’t want to upset him oversomething that for me was as functional as eating, drinking or going to the bathroom.

Making love and having sex to me are 2 very very different things…

We have only been an official couple for just under a year and I plan on going out to Australia to be with him next year, all being well.

I have a 7 year old child from an interim relationship who loves him and whom he adores too, even though he is not the paternal type

It seems a lot to screw up over sod all really…

Edited August 14, 2012 by Never ever again

[LittleTiger]

If he gave you permission then you haven't screwed anything up! Since you have 'followed through' then you can't really be upset if he does the same.

 

What you seem to be saying is - you are happy to remain in the relationship provided the rules are the same for both of you. If he is having sex with other's then that's what you want too.

 

Seems like a fair arrangement to me.

 

Do what he says. Scratch the itch when you need to and when you eventually get together full time (if that happens) you can (both) cut out the 'extras'.

[Forever Learning]

My boyfriend and I have a relationship that spans 2 decades but it never lasted before because it was just too hard. But technology has evolved so much now that it makes a cross-continental relationship bearable, with Skype etc we see each other pretty much every day.

I have physically seen him 3 times In 10 months and that's the tough part ... I want to be with him all the time, but both our circumstances dictate that we can't be together just now but we are making plans for the future ...

It's the not knowing what's gonna happen and there being no definite end in sight to the painful loneliness that is making me pretty miserable. Also I miss having physical human contact and my sex drive would be above average. All these things add up to me being lonely and frustrated.

I explained this to him and his advice was to just go have sex with someone if it will scratch an itch for me.

I was pretty shocked at this. I had spent the last 10 months living like a nun and he came out with that. He insists that he isn't f buddying anyone, as I immediately Thought he must have something on the side at home if he was so glibly able to suggest that.

Anyway it has been weeks since he made that suggestion and I obviously have gotten over my shock and disdain as I ended up having sex with an ex at the weekend.

I am guilt ridden and really regret it. All it has done is confirm to me that I really don't want to be with anyone but my boyfriend ... I feel I should tell him but I don't want to upset him or give him cause for doubt and there is absolutely NO chance of it ever happening again ... I just don't know what to say or do next

 

I have first hand experience with this situation. Let me be the bearer of bad news, and I hate to do so, but I know what is going on here, since I have lived it myself ( I was 19 when I met the guy I am telling you about. I am 43 now).

 

Here's the news flash: This guy doesn't really care about you. I am so sorry to deliver this news to you. You are just one of many chicks he has in rotation for sex. It's the way some guys operate.

 

Dishonest? Yes, he is. But it's what he feels he needs to do, in order to keep you in the rotation of his harem of chicks. I'm so sorry.

 

If he REALLY loved you and wanted to be monogamous with you, he would NEVER suggest you go scratch that itch and sleep with another guy.

 

So, I can tell you will great certainty, he is sleeping with other women. You are one of several women he keeps in his pasture.

 

Now, I could be wrong here. But I doubt it.

 

I've experienced this phenomenon, so that is of course, why I say what I say.

 

Men think differently about sex than women. Some men will be very dishonest, in order to keep p*ssy available to them.

 

They may even be torn about their own actions regarding it all. Even so, they just can't let go, they'd rather be dishonest about it. Some men, not all of course. A certain type of dishonest man lacking integrity.

 

Sorry for this news flash.

 

I know it hurts, it hurt me to experience it as well.

 

Drop him and find a local man you can see more often.

 

Look for a man with integrity, and have integrity yourself as well. It's the best way to live. All the best to you.

 

P.S. Ask him, and let us know. He may lie, but he may not. Depends on his mood and level of guilt at the time you ask him. He might actually spill the beans and tell the truth, if you catch him at the right moment. Don't ask in anger. Have a long conversation, and be very sweet. He will more likely feel guilty and tell the truth. Small chance, but it's possible he might (tell the truth about what he's been up to behind your back).

 

P.P.S. I don't mean to sound cynical or sarcastic or mean. I am being 100% honest from my experience with this, and the experiences of others I have read about as well. Sorry to be a bummer/downer here. I don't mean to, just trying to enlighten you about a strong possibility of dishonesty going on, on his part.

Edited August 14, 2012 by Forever Learning

[LittleTiger]

Forever Learning - you could be right and you could also be wrong.

 

What you haven't taken into account here is that not everybody holds the same stance on monogamy - especially in long-term, long distance relationships.

 

Allowing your partner to sleep with someone else - under a particular set of circumstances beyond your control - does not mean that you don't care about them.

 

I love my kiwi man with all my heart, but if we knew we couldn't see each other for 12 months or more, I would probably be suggesting we both find (hopefully) temporary 'relief' elsewhere - especially if he was continually expressing his loneliness and sexual frustration (as the OP said she was doing). This wouldn't be my preferred option but I do think it is unrealistic and unkind to expect someone you love to be forced into long term celibacy.

 

If the relationship is going to last in the longer term, then it will - regardless of any trials and tribulations along the way - including previously agreed 'straying'.

 

We don't know, from what the OP has said, whether her boyfriend is the dishonest type or not. He may well be telling the truth when he says he hasn't slept with anyone else. There are actually some decent, honest men in this world who do not put 'pussy' before everything else.

[Never ever again]

Hey Forever learning, sounds like you had a bad one there... And at 19, the chances of you being in a stable relationship were probably quite small.

So I'm sorry you had a bad experience with a philandering ****, but really our situation is very different.

 

For a start we have lots of mutual friends in both countries, and when we are visiting each other we are a very close knit group of people. So the chances that he has a 'Harem' on the go are slim to say the least. Laughable in fact.

We both gave up recreational dating a long time ago. We are proper adults now and everything ... .

 

Bottom line is he saw how upset and frustrated I was on skype one night and he basically just said that if I need to go scratch, then do it... It won't make any difference to us.. But he is most certainly not scratching anywhere as I am not a hypocrite and would afford him the same by-ball given the situation.

 

However, now that I scratched in a fleeting moment of weakness i feel just awful about it. I will tell him, just not straight away.

When we get to the point where we are going to be together full time, I will let him know about the one and only time I did it, and how sick it made me feel and just hope that he's still cool about it.

 

If in the mean time he comes out and asks me if I have, I will tell him. I won't lie about it. However, I wont offer it up in general conversation.

 

Thanks for your sound advice littletiger... Very much appreciated!!

xx