Am I jealous about nothing, or do I have cause?

[lady d'arbanville]

I have fallen head over heels with a man who lives a couple of hundred miles from me, and we are planning to move in together in the summer. We are really compatible in every way - we have all the same interests and hobbies, and outlook, and he has given me every reason to believe that he really, really loves and values me. But......18 months ago (before we met) he had another (three month long) long distance relationship, which was basically just about half a dozen weekends, and a week's holiday, when he was on the rebound from his marriage. He told me that she was self-seeking and shallow and 'collected friends like accessories because they made her feel good', and basically wanted someone to provide her with the money to drip around going out to lunch with her friends, but.he gave up a hard-earned college place because she said he should, and when they spent time together (usually with their kids there, too) and even when they were on holiday together, she wouldn;t even call him by his name in front of her daugther, and he wasn;t supposed to be there because (she said) although she was 'separated' from her husband, she was still living with him, and she wasn;t supposed to date anyone. this sounds to me as if he was her bit on the side, but he fully believes that this was genuine. Then she dumped him because she 'wanted to try again' with her husband, but wanted him to hang around in case things didn;t work out, and she might want him back. she has had thirty relationships of the same length as this one, which seems to me to suggest a pattern....but he still talks about this thing which seemed to me at first, because of how loving he was toward me, and how he said that it was 'nothing like "us"', just a brief summer rebound fling. as if it was a really important, warm and loving relationship, incredibly special to both of them. However, even after they split up - she didn;t want him back in a relationship even after her 'retry' with her husband didn't work - he went to stay with her - just as 'friends' - twice over the next three months, and sent birthday presents to her and her daughter a couple of months later....and when she didn;t return the compliment to his children, who have birthdays at the same time, he then told me he thought that she wasn;t really the sort of person he wanted to have as a friend. Nevertheless, they still kept in touch from time to time. About four months before i met him, she phoned him and he said to her "I will call you in the week, and if I don;t, then you call me" (which doesn;t seem like 'just good friends' to me.....he isn;t the most sociable man, and although he has other woman friends, he wouldn;t act like that with them) and said he didn;t call her and was relieved when she didn;t call him. (This was a year after they had split up, officially.) At Christmas, she sent him a text message which he told me about, which he didn;t reply to....however, he archived it along with mine, and when I asked him why, he said "well, I don;t have her number" then "didn;t want to erase it, it would be like cutting the final cord" then "I don;t remember saving it" (although he admits, he wouldn;t archive one from any other woman friends) .....and he always gets this sort of goofy defensive look and voice when talking about her. this was a short relationship with someone who has had nearly three dozen like him, and treated him badly, but he acts and talks as if it was one of the great love stories of the decade - still, after all this time. I wasn;t jealous of his past before this - the past is past - but I don;t like the thought that he is carrying a torch for another woman in the way he seems to be doing. We had a row about the things he had said and the way he had obviously wanted to keep the door open between them, still, although he admits it isn;t possible to have her just as a friend, but I thought we had patched it up, although it had made me very insecure - I had felt that I was really special and loved, and now I feel like a replacement for her, as if he would still be drooping around after her, given half the chance. But when i stayed at his place last weekend - the place he has just moved into to renovate for us to live in together, I opened the kitchen drawer, and there was a photo of her, taken on their holiday together. i asked if that was her, and he said, without looking, 'yes, in Verona' so he knew all about it, and because he had just moved in, I knew he had put it there in the last two weeks. He said he didn;t remember it was there, although if so, how did he know where it was taken? then he said that it used to be in the kitchen in his old house and just got emptied into this drawer full of odds and ends when he moved. I was so sure that he loved me, more than anyone before - he told me so - but now I feel as if I have to compete with this stupid memory, which he still holds so dear. I have precious memories of other people myself, but I don;t drag them into the future. What I don;t understand is that this is a woman who by his own admission really isn;t very nice, and treated him very badly, and the big romance amounted more or less to a few very furtive weekends spent with their children, pretending he wasn;t there. (she would never talk on the phone for more than half an hour, because she said she was busy.....him and me talk for hours. And she is really plain - he always goes for petite dark women, but this is a large, overweight bleach blonde with (being honest here) a face like a cross between a pudding and a potato, a very big backside and fat legs, and incredibly frumpy - dressed like a woman in her sixties - who has slept with thirty men, and dumped all of them after a couple of months - just like he was dumped. why do you think this is so? he said it was because it was his first relationship with anyone except his wife since he was 21, and therefore had 'left a mark'. But surely, now he has me and we are happy and have so many lovely plans, can't he stop making this silly fling with a not-very-nice woman out to be something incredibly special? The thing is, we have very little money between us, which I don;t mind - i think we are a team, and I don;t mind sharing the bad times - it;s a pleasure, it;s real. But I am beginning to feel like "Miss Worthy-but-dull-but-available" here, while she is the glamorous and exciting and unnattainable one. It is really hard to deal with this feeling of insecurity - and I didn;t have it before he said those things about keeping the text. (this turned up before he could stop me seeing it, when we were comparing texts from each other which we had archived.) I feel very hurt and betrayed that he should still have strong feelings for someone so worthless, who he had told me was worthless long before this, when we were comparing notes!

contributions, please......I feel on the one hand that I have every right to be upset about this stuff, but he said "if you are going to make a fuss about finding that photo when it means nothing to me, it will cause problems"...sp I can;t talk to him about it, although I really want to say - LOOK, WHAT DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THIS WOMAN? but the thing is, that I have had a problem ever since the stuff he said about storing the text! I know it is just little things, - I have phtos of exes (stuffed in the back of cupboards, etc) although i would never have kept texts from them in with my man's loving ones! but there is no-one to compare with him for me - and i don;t carry any torches. i don;t want to rock the boat if it is just the insecurity of being seperated that is making me magnify things.........and we are so right for each other in all other areas, it has just always seemed natural to be together, and we get withdrawal symptoms if we don;t speak for hours each day. Please tell me i am making a fuss about nothing!

[carla]

My suggestion is to try an put your feelings aside. I know It's hard and you will have to bite your tounge at times.. I've been there. Once you have lived together for awhile he will totally forget her. I figure that you have been together for about a year? In a long distance relationship figure out how many times you have been together for the day. And total that up. So in actuality you have been together for 1 month? 3 months? 6 six months? It's still a fairly new relationship. Once you are together on a regular bases and have a daily life together with all it's ups and downs, he will soon forget the bad thing in the past and be greatful for the wonderful relationship he has with you.I was in a similar situation, except I was competeing with an ex wife. He finally took off his wedding ring 3 months after we were dating. After we just moved intogether she wanted him back, That's when I knew she was ancient history. 6 1/2 years later we are still going strong.

Good Luck.

[lady d'arbanville]

Thanks Carla, you're very understanding, and I know you're right. Congratulations on you and your man making it through.