catgirl69 Posted February 19, 2012 Share Posted February 19, 2012 Please read, i know it's long, but it's complicated, and need an honest answer before i go completely loopy! lol Hi, my boyfriend has ignored my texts for the last 5 days...only sent 2, but i got a hint he wanted space so I've left him alone. I'm 33 he's 38, i have a little girl, and he has two girls. Bit of a complicated situation, we met 10 months ago on a dating website, he was just looking for sex, I wasn't....our date went on for 15hours!! We clicked immediately. It was pretty much love at first sight... he wasn't expecting to feel this way. Anway, first 4 months were spectacular, I've never been treated with so much love and respect...it almost scared me! lol He was still married but getting a divorce, and after 4 months of seeing him he found out a few things about his ex, and she was constantly asking for money and harrassing him... He withdrew into himself, withdrew from me...so of course i got needy and clingy! He almost ended it twice, but on seeing me he couldn't do it, so i suggested we take a break from each other. We stayed apart for 5 weeks, still in contact but not too much. (sometimes he had his really black days and he would not get in touch for a day or two). When we'd arranged to meet up again, he had the intention of ending it again, but once again, couldn't. i asked him if he still loved me, he said he didn't know, and he won't say it until he's sure! bit of limbo for me too right now! He had started to sort out buying a house etc. So money was an issue, (he is self employed too) and said he couldn't see me as often, he lives an hour away, and has a gas guzzling van. i said i could do every other weekend (he has his kids every other) but as long as he shows me he cares while we're apart....which he did for the first 2 months. New year came and went, all was great. January being a bad time money wise for him, with trying to find tax money! lol House bought, divorce came through in january too. He was getting a little distant, so as i've learnt from previous experience with him, i gave him a bit of space...let him contact me...which he did...but it seemed a bit cold...I kept my feeelings to myself, and still tried to be the loving happy me towards him...Started to feel like i was a chore to him, instead of wanted. But when we got together everything was perfect again!! Getting to now, the last two weekends we spent together, he had to work, needed the money...so he drove to me on the evening, and i went with him to work on one of the days...all was good...but he became even more cold during the week after. I know he was very tired. he is currently working 12 hour days, and has his kids one evening a week, and was ferrying stuff trying to get ready for the house move. So again I kept my distance....it got to the point where i dreaded he texts, wondering if he was going to be loving or not. I tried to show him love, but was getting no loving response back. Last weekend he was moving into his new house, so caught the train and bus to him(3hrs yuk!).. he had to work, so I unpacked everything, and got him all up and running! I left on the monday morning, and all was wonderful between us. Tuesday was valentines. He said he couldn't afford flowers and a meal, so i said i'd cook, and dont bother buying me anything (but he did) I said all i want is feel wanted and appreciated by him for i am to him...he said he could do that! He came up, he was tired, and looked like he didn't want to be there, we ate and i let him have an hours kip...hoping he would perk up. he didn't so i ended up tearfully telling him, I want quality in our contact..to feel wanted and thought of...I said one well phrased text is worth more than a hundred, saying 'hi, how was your day?','yeah I'm fine thanx','just watching telly'.... feel more like a mate! lol ... he was too tired to truly respond, he said he felt that he had to please everyone and that he felt like an entertainment machine, and he gets no time to himself. Fair enough. I did say i'd had a few sleepless nights over it(not really true, have had sleepless nights, but his coldness just made them worse) Anyway we went to bed, holding each other all night, he left for work really early...kissed me goodbye...later i text him to say sorry for saying what i did but needed to get it off my chest, and didn't expect anything to change, cos I know he has a lot on, but wanted to let him know how I was feeling. his response was 'ok' No kisses on it nothing.... and I haven't heard from him since!! now what do i do??? I didn't intend to pressure him, but he just doesn't talk to me anymore, and I know he's been tired and stressed, but I thought i was helping with that! HELP....sorry its long! thank you Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted February 19, 2012 Share Posted February 19, 2012 This is yet another example to never date someone who is separated or newly divorced. It is one of the biggest stressors in life. They are not ready to get seriously involved in anyone because they just got out of a serious relationship called marriage. Let him go and get on with your life, date other men. He should date other women. They won't last. In about two years if you hear from him it might be safe to get back together. Just my opinion based on experience. Link to post Share on other sites
cerridwen Posted February 19, 2012 Share Posted February 19, 2012 He came up, he was tired, and looked like he didn't want to be there, we ate and i let him have an hours kip...hoping he would perk up. he didn't so i ended up tearfully telling him, I want quality in our contact..to feel wanted and thought of...I said one well phrased text is worth more than a hundred, saying 'hi, how was your day?','yeah I'm fine thanx','just watching telly'.... feel more like a mate! lol ... he was too tired to truly respond, he said he felt that he had to please everyone and that he felt like an entertainment machine, and he gets no time to himself. Fair enough. I did say i'd had a few sleepless nights over it(not really true, have had sleepless nights, but his coldness just made them worse) This post made me very sad, tbh. You seem quite desperate for love, Cat, and in being so, are sacrificing and appeasing past the point of healthiness. Please stop meeting him 90% of the way. Please consider breaking the cycle of chasing him only to have him move futher away. It IS a cycle, and it will go on and on if you let it. STOP being concerned with reeling him back in right now. Instead, take some quiet moments. Think about what you've been through and maybe even tap into a little anger. He's treated you quite shoddily--worse yet, you've allowed it. Sit for awhile, Cat, and really think about what kind of relationship you want. It's clear from the bolded above, you're painfully hungry for gestures of caring and connection. Not everyone can give it, OP, especially when in the midst of such transition and self-absorption. You can't make him love, respect or desire you by being his ever-dutiful, self-sacrificing door mat of a woman. And I'm sorry to say, that's what you've been. Consider valuing yourself more and tapping into some strength to break free of this for now. Forget giving him space, TAKE space! Link to post Share on other sites
Author catgirl69 Posted February 19, 2012 Author Share Posted February 19, 2012 Hey thanx for replying.... not what I wanted to hear!! lol I was single for about 7 years before i met him...had dates, but never hit it off with anyone. Was happy being single..being a single mum, was difficult to meet people anyway.. And when we first met...I tried my hardest not to fall for him...but he made me! He treated me like never before, so i know what he is capable of! We have such a connection, which is difficult to let go of...and not sure i can let go just yet...I had given myself a deadline for him to sort himself out...and was going to walk away then! we had the relationship i wanted, before things with his ex made it go bellyup! The passion is still there too. After getting love and affection I'd never had before, from him, and then to have every morsel of it taken away, and to be uncertain with the way he feels...course i'm going to want some back... And i've only been chasing him in my head..lol... i've kept my distance from him and got on with my life. I was going to call and leave a message tonight. Just to say he's being unfair, but I'm giving him space, and to call me when he's ready... tbh i want any break up to be on my terms this time... my decision...which after this it will be..but need us to part on good terms..and i want my stuff back!! lol I know he'll be less tired tonight, so more receptive...do you think i should...I can't spend a minute longer obsessing need closure!! Thank you Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted February 19, 2012 Share Posted February 19, 2012 I was going to call and leave a message tonight. Just to say he's being unfair, but I'm giving him space, and to call me when he's ready... tbh i want any break up to be on my terms this time... my decision...which after this it will be..but need us to part on good terms..and i want my stuff back!! lol I know he'll be less tired tonight, so more receptive...do you think i should...I can't spend a minute longer obsessing need closure!! Thank you No, no, no. Leave him be. Don't obsess about closure yet - just give it some time; your stuff isn't going anywhere so you can be patient on that accord. Don't push and just give it some time which will be hard, I know, but best in the long run. Link to post Share on other sites
Author catgirl69 Posted February 19, 2012 Author Share Posted February 19, 2012 Hey, thanx Why would it be best to leave him be?? To me its obvious its over... so why torure myself any longer? or will he be more likely to come back to me if I leave him alone? I've left him alone longer than He prob thinks i would!! lol Thanx again x Link to post Share on other sites
LDR234 Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 I agree that it is over. The wait will help with ending the relationship in good terms. Looking at the situation of him coming up the last time when he was tired and wasn't really showing any emotion towards you, you need to end it when he is clear headed--not exhausting from being an "entertainment machine". In the mean time, occupy your time like a single lady again. Get a babysitter for a night and go for a lady's night out. Have fun! Link to post Share on other sites
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