DerangedAngel Posted January 6, 2004 Share Posted January 6, 2004 Back with another relationship problem. I've been in a LDR since Thanksgiving of last year. A couple of months or so ago we started discussing moving in together. I was completely psyched. I went for an extended visit in November, to see if I would honestly be happy in his city. We went out every night and I had a really amazing time. 10 days later I returned home. It was then that he started telling me that he wanted this move to happen soon. That he missed me terribly. We made plans for me to visit again before Christmas, to look at apartments/houses and such. I wanted to spend Christmas with family, so I stayed a week and left a few days before xmas eve. Thing is, I didn't really have the liberty at my current job to take off so many days every month. I thought this visit was supposed to be really important - and I really believed I would be moving soon - so I quit my job in order to be able to see him. Now: he did not tell me to quit my job, so in any advice you give me, remember that. I just thought being with him was more important, as I have a little bit of $ saved up right now. Getting to the point, I promise. We have been bickering back and forth since all of this, and I strongly believe its because the guy can't seem to make up his mind. He wants me there soon, he doesn't. He says he still does... but its like he wants to take his own sweet time about it. This has caused me to nag A BUNCH. I know this. And I'm sorry that I have. He knows that I am. I feel I'm doing better, but at the same time I feel so let down still. I'm jobless (haven't decided what to do about this. I should get another job soon, but then what if he finds a place and is just like "come on down honey!" I don't want to switch jobs AGAIN), so I have waaaaay more free time than I used to. He, on the other hand, has a very demanding job right now, so its like I crave interaction with him more than he does with me. I have more time to need him, if you will. I need to do something to get my mind off him all the time. Am I making sense? Anyways, we have both decided that its best that we try to get along and respect each other the way we used to before we go any further with moving plans. So here's the thing: We've decided to take a break for a week (still dating, just not talking as much). The terms of this break are that I cannot call him AT ALL until next Sunday @ 3 AM (this is when we started). He also has the option of not calling ME at all until then. But if he really *wants* to talk to me, he can call. And I don't have to answer if I don't want to. Ya got that? I have been the one to initiate conversations lately, and this is pretty much to see if he'd ever call me if not forced. I don't really know what kind of advice I'm looking for. Just any thoughts on the situation. -Deranged Link to post Share on other sites
Samson Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 Deranged, ...........indeed. Based on what I read, and I confess "scanned," one thought was reoccuring. Why haven't you asked the guy to get married? This arrangement would clear up your unemployment situation at best within about 9 months after the wedding. Simply move in, get pregnate, have child, and PRESTO! you're set for life! Link to post Share on other sites
DerangedAngel Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 lol, Samson its quite obvious that you did scan the post. But thank you for your advice, although it isn't very helpful at the moment. I don't want marriage right now. And I definitely don't want babies. I won't have any trouble with a job (as my previous boss has called on more than one occasion to see if I would be willing to come back), once I make the decision to find one. I just need to figure out which is most important right now. Job. Boyfriend. Already gave the first up for the latter, and now I'm regretting it a little. Anyways.... -Deranged Link to post Share on other sites
Samson Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 The terms of this break are that I cannot call him AT ALL until next Sunday @ 3 AM (this is when we started). He also has the option of not calling ME at all until then. But if he really *wants* to talk to me, he can call. And I don't have to answer if I don't want to. Ya got that? AEEEIIIIIIIIIIiiiiiiiiiiiiii................ Why not go to work writing legislation for your state government? I hope you have the option of eating a gallon of icecream before next Sunday at 0259 hours, unless there is an advancing cold front over timbuktu, there is a full or quarter moon, and a dog barks three times before midnight. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 It's all fine and romantic to make grand gestures for someone - but cover your bases first. Don't, for instance, move all your stuff to his town. Put it in storage and do without for a while until you see how well you get on together. If your boss wants you back, go back to work and stay there until you have a definite date to move in and don't quit one minute before. Also don't go on assumption. You quit because you 'believed' you'd be together soon - but hadn't yet nailed down a plan!!! You are letting your life shrink until you focus on only him and he is getting worried about this, understandably. Your options are not 'job or boyfriend'. Your option is 'you'. You were your own person before you invested that much of yourself in him but you're starting to lose you in him. Take yourself back, for the more you lose of you, the less he will recognize of the gal he fell for. Link to post Share on other sites
DerangedAngel Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 Thanks for the laugh, Samson. Sarcasm is the best. And Merry, as always you are LS's Goddess of relationship advice. I have realized what I'm doing, and how he's reacting to it... and I'm trying to work on it. I have been volunteering more at a church/shelter in my city that I hadn't had much time for because of work. Also, I've been trying to get ahold of old friends that I haven't spoken to in a while, and I'm enjoying my family (o! and posting here quite frequently ). I'm still thinking about what to do with my job, though. I won't say I miss it. Thanks again. -Deranged Link to post Share on other sites
Kriz Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 Since u were so kind to reply to my immensely long post, I'll share a thought... I'd wait to see when he calls. If it were me and it were love I'd call pretty quick, seeing the risk that you might think that if he doesn't call he doesn't miss you. Which doesn't mean he doesn't miss you if he doesn't call. He probably wonders what you want: for him to sit out the week as you agreed or for him to call you to tell you he misses you. On the job thing: brave move, but nevertheless I'd get my job back and wait until you sort things out. Link to post Share on other sites
DerangedAngel Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 I'd wait to see when he calls. If it were me and it were love I'd call pretty quick, seeing the risk that you might think that if he doesn't call he doesn't miss you. He's actually called me three times since. The first time was the morning after we agreed to try the little "exercise". It wasn't so much that we weren't supposed to talk... just that he got to chase me instead of me chasing him Thanks for your post. :: sits down with a gallon of ice cream whilst staring @ Samson :: -Deranged Link to post Share on other sites
Kriz Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 It wasn't so much that we weren't supposed to talk... just that he got to chase me instead of me chasing him Now that's a good thing. You know, I'm way past the illusion that I in any way have control in my relationship , but he might like the idea of seeing you as a 'prey'. However, when I read your posts I think that label doesn't really suit you Link to post Share on other sites
DerangedAngel Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 You know, I'm way past the illusion that I in any way have control in my relationship Of course you don't, silly! You are male, correct? She's doing a good job with you. -Deranged Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 And Merry, as always you are LS's Goddess of relationship advice Oh, heck, DA - you overstate the case but thank you much for the thought and compliment Good to hear you're already back on your path Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 The problem with LD relationships is that you don't get to experience a real relationship. That doesn't mean that people are necessarily trying to be fake, but getting excited to see someone once a month is different than seeing them day-in and day-out. That's why every goes on about how great long-distance romances are...until they actually make it a real relationship. No more fantasies. No more of the anticipation. He's just a normal guy you share a bed and house with...no different than if you'd found him across town. But I'm not here to pee on your parade. Some of these relationships do actually end up becoming "life happily ever after." To do that, though, one of you actually has to move. So I take it that you two have already decided that it's going to be you, which is fine. Now, tell me, what sacrifices is he going to make for you down the road? Have you already gotten that far? Something I don't like - well, two things actually... Number one: you quit your job without having actually worked out anything in concrete in terms of planning living arrangements. Am I correct in presuming that you didn't hash this out with him about this before you dropped your job? Never commit to someone unless they've at least made some kind of commitment or sacrifice to you in return. Which brings me to the other thing I don't like: he seems to be getting some cold feet at a time when you've actually taken some rather bold and decisive action in the direction of your relationship. I don't like saying this, but that tells me that he's got some doubts about this. Like I said, it's one thing to be in a long-distance relationship where everyone's comfortable and the timing is convenient, but it's when you make your move toward something more regular that you begin to see where people really are in their sentiment. Here's what you should do: go ahead and plan to move down there and look for a job, but tell your boyfriend this BEFORE you do it. Make plans to stay at your own place for now, too - that might make your boyfriend feel more comfortable about the natural progression of things, and in the end, it will be better for you, too. If you do this and talk to your boyfriend about it, I think you can get a sense of how seriously he takes this relationship. If he's okay with it, then move and don't look back (if this relationship means that much to you, that is). On the other hand, if he tries to squirm or if he sounds indecisive, then I'd go back to your old job. Moreover, at that point, I think you'd have a decision to make: the reality is, he may not be ready to commit to you, in which case you'd have to decide to leave or go on your own way. Link to post Share on other sites
DerangedAngel Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 Number one: you quit your job without having actually worked out anything in concrete in terms of planning living arrangements. Am I correct in presuming that you didn't hash this out with him about this before you dropped your job? Never commit to someone unless they've at least made some kind of commitment or sacrifice to you in return. It must sound... incredibly stupid. I had already taken 10 days off work for my first visit, so seeing him for Christmas (and the premiere of The Return Of The King ) either meant he would have to piss off his boss and co-workers AND family by coming to see me... or I'd have to quit my job a little earlier than we had planned. I told him the day I put in my 2 weeks notice, and it didn't seem to matter much to him. He has talked to the bank about getting a loan for a house since my return home (22nd of December), and freely told me about it. I'm just getting crazy mixed signals that are causing me to make hasty decisions. Anyways, I have made up my mind not to discuss it with him for a while. At least not to be the one bringing it up. Oh, one more thing. A few days after my first extended stay in his city, he told me to give him 2 months to get everything straightened out. He promised that by then he would be ready for me to come and live with him; actually he recently told me this again. Is it silly for me to hope that he means it? -Deranged Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 DA, I can't tell you what to do, obviously, but based on my experience I think it's a mistake to move in with him at first. I realize you two may think you already know what you want, but I think that you should both have your space at the end of the day. You're probably seeing each other, what, once a month now? It's going to be a shock if you see each other every morning all of a sudden. One or both of you might get uncomfortable, and then it might get awkward if you later decide to move out. Take it slowly and get used to each other's daily routine gradually. Trust me: you don't yet know each other as well as you think you do. I think you can have your cake and eat it too by moving closer but not in the same house. You'll get to see each other more; you'll build your relationship gradually, steadily; and the pressures of his job and your trying to get acclimated to a new place won't be so overwhelming at first because you'll have some time and space to manage your feelings as individuals without burdening the other person so much. I think living separately's the right call here. Link to post Share on other sites
Samson Posted January 8, 2004 Share Posted January 8, 2004 He promised that by then he would be ready for me to come and live with him; actually he recently told me this again. Is it silly for me to hope that he means it? Well... "DerangedAngel," silly is as silly does. Perhaps it goes with the territory? There seems to be a question of trust if you must hope he means what he's said to this point. What kind of ice cream's your favorite? I'm guessing "Rocky Road." Lotsofnuts Link to post Share on other sites
DerangedAngel Posted January 8, 2004 Share Posted January 8, 2004 My favorite ice cream is... Strawberry Cheesecake (with lots of nuts on top )!! Thank you very much for your input, you two. -Deranged Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts