Curiousa Posted December 29, 2003 Share Posted December 29, 2003 Ok, here the short background: Met my b/f about 1.5 years ago online gaming and we became really good friends; fell in love with each other and spring and met soon after irl to see if that can evolve into a "real romance". So far things have been going great - even though we can only spend a couple of weeks every other 2 months or so together irl, due to the distance. I have found him to be irl pretty much - characterwise - as I got to know him online, straight-forward, honorable and honest, lacking a bit in diplomacy, but that I knew even before we got involved I also have no doubt that he truely deeply loves me and would not cheat on me. Yet he does come from quiete a dysfunctional family background and suffers from lack of selfesteem and conflict management skills that can be improved. Ok, now here comes my current concern: A couple of things happened where I felt he was responding - in my view - strangely: in the first case, some clothing had gone lost from my flat, at least they haven't shown up even despite extensive search; as this was shortly after he left after visiting me, one option was he might have packed them accidentally. He said he didn't and that issue was over from my pov, only that on occasion I was wondering about where my shirt might turn up - which is when he started saying "he didn't steal it or anything". I had not at all even considered this an option, so I was kinda taken aback by his comment. Why would he even think I could possibly think that? Now today he told me, when we were chatting online that he had an unexpected call for work, that he didn't really want to and rather spend online time with me but that he couldn't say no. Fair enough, job is job. Anyway a bit later he was online again, and with the same picture etc I normally get when he's chatting from home, whereas typically, at work he's got another one. So I asked, are you at work now? and he said yes, do you mean because of the pic? and told me he had the same pic home and at work, but normally he doesn't use it there. When I said "ah interesting" he assumed I didn't believe him (but thought that was understandable?!) but then went about to tell me he didn't lie. Again, I was like "why would you think I am thinking you are lying"? It hadn't really occured to me he would, I just noticed the pic as a different one from usual and commented on this. Well, maybe my way of phrasing things has been ambiguous, but I honestly never had any reason to question or doubt his integrity. He's always been straight and honest with me (and vice versa), so I think I am kinda shocked that he could think I would doubt him. When I asked him about that he said he guesses he thought I might doubt him because he isn't really used to anyone trusting him. But the thing is, now I AM getting a bit paranoid - am I giving out ambiguous signals? is he overly defensive? or is this a case of projection which might constitute a red flag relationship-wise?! I mean none of these things in themselves are of any importance. I guess it just didn't occur to me that someone can take something inherently harmless and get defensive - and this again makes me reacting just as paranoid Anyone got any insight to dissolve this? I can't even believe that I am thinking/worrying about this, but I really felt totally surprised by his reaction. I have been wondering if I should in future avoid any ambiguity in my questions (I guess this is less easy in chat in irl when you also get the non-verbal clues), but on the other hand I feel he should get over this defensiveness ... Any suggestions Link to post Share on other sites
midlifecrisis Posted December 29, 2003 Share Posted December 29, 2003 IMHO -- there is something to his behavior... either because he either (a) has or used to have integrity issues, or (b) is used to a family/circle-of-friends where distrust is normal behavior. My suggestion? Just talk to him honestly about how his reactions make you feel. If he responds to your concerns in a jittery/defensive manner, then there is something to this, and you should monitor carefully. Above all, trust your intuition. Link to post Share on other sites
Curiousa Posted December 31, 2003 Share Posted December 31, 2003 it is option b) in his case. Thanks for replying . From what I have found out is that he's very much used to being blamed for pretty much everything - in his life and family; if his parents' marriage is in trouble - it's his fault; if his (younger) sister is not attending school it's his fault; etc. I guess it's hard for someone who is not being constantly criticized or put down to anticipate the defensive mindset it creates. I do believe his side and interpretation of his reaction. But it's very sad nevertheless Seems he got a lot of issues dumped on him by his dysfunctional family background, so I hope he can work this out without having to give up on our relationship. I will have to monitor the situation, but probably more concerning his coping and defense skills than unanticipated responses Link to post Share on other sites
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