LDR boyfriend doesn't want to travel together

[keilinger]

We've been dating for six months. As I'm in college across the country, we're apart from each other almost all the time. I was planning on doing some international travel this winter break, and over the last two months, we'd started brainstorming places we could go together. All along, it seemed like he was hedging on where to go, and two days ago, he proposed that we do some traveling in our home state. After his 2-week break ended, I could go somewhere else for the remainder of my break, or stay with him until my break also ended. I got incredibly frustrated. It seemed like he either didn't care if I got my travel abroad experience or didn't care how much time we got together (what I'd wanted was to travel together, then come back home together, where I would spend the rest of my break with him).

 

Well, after a day spent thinking, he only wants to see me on his own terms and if being with me isn't a good enough incentive to travel, then maybe he's not all that committed to me, I lost it. When I told him I was really upset, he said he thought that I would like the idea of traveling instate. (I had proposed the idea of traveling within the U.S., but even that was a huge compromise on my part.) Still, that he would prefer that I travel without him makes me wonder about what's going on in his head. Now he's conceded and feels guilty for causing tension, but I'm not sure I feel great about forcing him to travel- which is what it feels like, because he couldn't have been motivated to go with me when I wasn't upset.

 

Can anyone help me out here? I don't know how to make it so the both of us are happy now. Maybe I should have just gone alone and accepted that despite the distance already, he didn't want to make the most of the time we could have together..

[creighton0123]

The thing is that you were planning on doing some international travel. He may have gone along with it at first, but when it became more real, perhaps he didn't want to spend the significant amount of money required for international travel. Why not spend two weeks with him and then the remainder of your time abroad?

 

Relax and have fun. You've been together for six months, still well into the honeymoon phase. Go with the flow, have fun, and be a little more patient when it comes to communication and problem solving. Slow down a bit and pick your battles. Two weeks together is great. You'll have plenty of time together in the future as well. No need to rush or force experiences.

[keilinger]

Thanks, creighton. The thing is, I don't* feel like we'll have more time later. I last saw him in early September and this Thanksgiving break is the first time I'll have seen him since then. Our spring breaks don't overlap, and I'm not sure how either of our summer plans will work out (we'll see each other at least a little, I just don't know how much). That basically pans out to about 6 weeks this year that we're absolutely sure we'll be together, including Thanksgiving and Christmas. Things will not get better next year, or the year after that.

[Lucky_One]

I am with Creighton here. International travel is pretty expensive, even if you do hostels and eat baguettes in the park. Does his family have expectations that he would be spending time with them during Christmas break, rather than traveling and not being at home?

 

I'd probably be upset if my son wasn't coming home for Christmas break, but was going to go overseas for that long with a GF that he hasn't really dated all that long. Especially if he was missing Christmas Day, and especially if he was asking me to finance his travel.

[creighton0123]

Thanks, creighton. The thing is, I don't* feel like we'll have more time later. I last saw him in early September and this Thanksgiving break is the first time I'll have seen him since then. Our spring breaks don't overlap, and I'm not sure how either of our summer plans will work out (we'll see each other at least a little, I just don't know how much). That basically pans out to about 6 weeks this year that we're absolutely sure we'll be together, including Thanksgiving and Christmas. Things will not get better next year, or the year after that.

 

If you don't mind sharing, where is it that you met and what year are you both in college? In a normal long distance relationship that requires airline travel, particularly on college incomes, six weeks out of a year is quite a bit of time to spend with your boyfriend. You'll need to ask yourself if you're willing to go through this for the next few years. The distance won't get easier and three years is a long time.

[Kamille]

We've been dating for six months. As I'm in college across the country, we're apart from each other almost all the time. I was planning on doing some international travel this winter break, and over the last two months, we'd started brainstorming places we could go together. All along, it seemed like he was hedging on where to go, and two days ago, he proposed that we do some traveling in our home state.

 

What would be, according to him, the benefits of traveling in your home state?

 

 

It seemed like he either didn't care if I got my travel abroad experience or didn't care how much time we got together (what I'd wanted was to travel together, then come back home together, where I would spend the rest of my break with him).

 

 

 

Well, after a day spent thinking, he only wants to see me on his own terms and if being with me isn't a good enough incentive to travel, then maybe he's not all that committed to me, I lost it.

 

I think this inner dialogue is interesting - it shows that you're interpreting his suggestions that you travel within the state as a lack of emotional attachment on his side. Now the question is: is your interpretation correct? Did he ever give you any reasons to think he wasn't fully committed to your relationships?

 

The bottom line is the following: you need to set your interpretations aside and see if you can understand why he is hesitant about traveling abroad.