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Talking too much?!?


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DerangedAngel

My boyfriend and I just had an argument/discussion on the phone tonight. I always pout a little when he has to get off the phone. Most of the time its just playful, but sometimes I really do think we should talk more, either because we're getting along so well, or because I miss him so much (we're a little over 500 miles apart right now, and don't see each other near as much as I'd like to). Anyways, tonight he tells me that he thinks we talk too much. I think this is absolutely absurd, but I needed to hear what you guys had to say. Maybe he's right. We usually spend on average about 2-3 hours on the phone a day. Not all at once. He calls me while driving to and from work. Half hour each way. And then we talk like an hour before he goes to sleep every night. I *love* the time we spend on the phone, because it has to be... well everything since we aren't spending time really being together. So... what do you think? Am I just being a blabby girlfriend, or is it ok to talk for the amount of time that we do?

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In absence of all other aspects of a relationship, all you have is talk! In theory, you talk to each other because you enjoy doing so. I suppose if you keep running out of things to talk about, he might have a point. Is that the case?

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DerangedAngel

Hmm... I think that might be true sometimes. But his thing is, lets talk about our days, and when we run out of new things to say, we should get off the phone. That kinda bothers me. After I tell him about what I've done all day, why can't we be sappy for a while, talk about things in the past, things in the future. You know? Just talk! Because I really enjoy it.

 

I think he might be saying this because we've been fighting a bunch lately. :( You see, I've been flying to see him often and we'll spend like a great week together, and then when I come home... I'm miserable. And I probably take the fact that I miss him OUT on him. I posted before that we were planning on moving in together soon, but it just doesn't seem to be happening soon enough. He's wanting to buy a house instead of getting a lease on an apartment. I understand that its gonna take time, but I hate not being with him. :o I sound pathetic.

 

Bottom line: I feel like I need to talk to him lots to help me not to miss him as bad! We have always talked like this, and we used to talk even more - before he started working so much. Is he trying to take it down a notch because of our recent fights?

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Well, if the conversations aren't fun (i.e. turn into fights), it's not surprising he's not interested in having them!

 

You've got to try to be a pleasant person to talk to. It's bizarre how we sabotage ourselves when we most need to act with aplomb but you have to master the art of stuffing the negative emotions.

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DerangedAngel
:( You know, when we have sweet talks, and are really enjoying each other's company for a while, I feel so happy. Whenever he tries to make a move to get off the phone, I get fiesty. Like, if he loves me and is happy with me, how can he want to get away? I realize now that this might sound dumb. But I just can't get enough of him. Why isn't it the same way for him?
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Not everyone gets a big kick out of talking on the phone, for one thing. What are his excuses for leaving the conversation?

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DerangedAngel

He says he doesn't like talking on the phone much. That he doesn't feel like it really "qualifies" as spending time together. But what else are we supposed to do when we're 9 hours apart?! :mad:

 

As far as his excuses, he usually just wants to watch TV, go eat, sleep... Gosh that sounds bad, but I'm such a night person that I don't see why he can't wait a lil bit and spend more time with me. **pouts**

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People very often need downtime after work. It sounds like he doesn't have whole lots of it and just needs to have some alone time for himself. Your best bet is to let him have it - otherwise he'll start resenting you because he can't be alone. Besides, if he doesn't like talking on the phone, he's already going out of his way to accommodate you, right?

 

I'm guessing if this guy is trying to do well at work, he can't really afford to be a night person no matter how much of one you may be.

 

Relationships start to tilt when one person wants his or her needs met at the sacrifice of the other's. It sounds like he's doing a fair bit to meet your needs so it would be wise to do the same for him and don't make him feel guilty for wanting more downtime.

 

People have different levels of companionship needs. It sounds like you like more than he does, so you need to find a happy medium.

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DerangedAngel

Thank you moimeme! Something just clicked, thanks to you. Hopefully I can keep this attitude up for a while. I had never really thought of it from his point of view, not being fair about it anyway. I just assumed we should feel the same. I was being selfish. Goodness, I must be such a nag. :p Poor guy.

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It's a peculiar phenomenon, but it seems that in relationships, people forget that their partners are people, too!

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Hey DerangedAngel,

 

I was reading the posts and moimeme has good ideas!

 

One idea, which might fit your situation, is to obviously be happy talking to him, but maybe try something like:

"Hi love, (or whatever you say to each other) what's up....yak, yak,yak, Hey I can't talk too long right now I have to: go to the store, pick-up a friend, get something to eat, etc., etc. This way you are ending the conversation while it is still fresh, (I mean talk for awhile!!) and then maybe he won't "burn-out" on it.

 

If nothing else, you won't argue about anything, and it might be fun to see his reaction?

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If I would have my girl be like you and ther is no questionof too much "talk bills" then I would count myself lucky. All the same, you have like taken toomuch if you people really talk the long that you indicated. there is nothing like the assurance that a loved one is always there. I was tempted to ask what you are doing right now that makes you have that much time to talk.

 

Your guy obviously is a man and I beliee he needs sometime to think over thjings that concerns him and his love. OK if he doesn't mind talking,there is only one thing that you don't runout of talking about: you feelings. They are never the same each minute a can bet you.

 

Like somebody had already said, you may end up boring your man by so much talk afterall because we tend to bore people by being aruond so much in order to please them. We need each others love and thank God you have something like it. If yo ucontinue like this anyway, you may have to think of an unthinkable when the relationship comes to some forked path. Well, I wouldn't like that.

 

Just live your life and be you, then you can get through and being you makes you true and gets you through blues.

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DerangedAngel

Ok, we settled this today. Kind of. Well, I'll just tell you what he said. We are only allowed to spend 2 hours (max) on the phone every day. Now, I don't have a right to complain that it isn't 'enough', because he hates talking on the phone a lot anyway, and that should be plenty of time for us to tell each other what we've been doing, talk about "us", etc. The limit isn't my problem - my problem is that we HAVE ONE! I really want to be sweet about it and give him his space, but do you guys think its normal to go about it this way? I could have let him off the phone whenever he wanted/needed to go.... grrr. Somehow this just makes me mad. What do you think?

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I think that you two did what the experts suggest - you discussed the issue and negotiated a solution. When you're working, you don't have bunches of extra hours in a day - evenings fly by. I think go with it for a while. I'm betting he might extend the times. Maybe you should even end the calls early sometimes!

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DerangedAngel

Thanks, I hope so. I would really like to try ending the calls early, to see if maybe that would make him want to spend more time with me. But I feel guilty, like I'd be manipulating him by playing hard to get. And I don't want to do that. I'll just try and stick to what we've decided, and see what happens. I can't pretend that I won't miss our super long talks though. :love:

 

-Deranged

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