Online dating drama-NEED HELP Please. Long Post.

[SanS]

Hi,

 

Well this is my problem: I met this guy online about a year and a half ago in some online forums. He spent 3 months trying to get my attention because he liked me and was interested in me. I pretty much ignored him, because Im a complete idiot, and was confusing him with someone else haha So anyways, we began talking online, and he was ready to meet me after talking for a couple months but I told him to hold things off until I graduated school. I didnt want to be conecentrating on or rushing in on a new relationship and forgetting about my studies during my last semester.

 

I finally graduated, last December and around February(this year) we picked a date to meet eachother for the first time. By this time we were pretty much best friends online, and things seemed to be heating up...we both had crushes. We only live about 3 hours away so we planned a weekend to meet. It seems that around this time everything just went wrong. My grandmother died the weekend before we were supposed to meet. Then 2 days before we were going to have our date, he tells me he couldnt meet me because of work, so we set up a date for the next weekend. That date fell through also. He had to go on a last minute business trip, and asked me to go along but I didnt feel comfy doing that so I turned him down and gave him an excuse that my parents wouldnt agree with this..and because it was last minute it would be hard to explain what was going on.(yes I still live w/ my parents because of being unemployeed and financial issues). He agreed with me and things were fine. Well we didnt set up a date again but continued to talk online every night. When I would bring up picking a date he would tell me "soon" or "it will happen when it happens", and that he thinks that I need to become financially independant before we start dating. Which I agreed with. We continued to talk on the phone every once in awhile, and spent a lot of time online everyday.

 

Fast forward to about 2 weeks ago: I thought everything was going great with us. He was calling me the usual pet names, telling me he loved me, telling me that I was his best friend. Im still unemployeed and looking for a job, and hes basically assuring me that hes not going anywhere. So anyhoo...2 weeks ago I find out that hes practically "cheating" on me w/ another chick online. Telling her that he wants to take her on trips...this girl is only 19 years old...he is 31...Im 26. When I found out I was livid..I knew the girl also, and confronted her about it..then we confronted him, but since we havent really dated before and we werent in a committed relationship, I cant really do anything about it. My feelings are just really confused. I was really hurt that he was actually interested in pursuing someone online, after we had made all of these plans(if it was real life it may have been a little different since im not really there). Now, I feel like I cant trust him...but told him that if he wanted me in his life that we would have to start things over in real life...that I couldnt just forget that things happened. He also agreed that he wouldnt pursue anymore online relationships. Would you consider this as a cheat? Im just not sure if I am being played here. He still insists that we are going to meet, and that he wants to be my best friend, and that he loves me..and wants to pursue possible romantic relationship with me in real life.

 

Last nights conversation he told me he loved being single, and that if he wanted he could date anyone...but then 20 min later, tells me that hed love to have a girlfriend..and that hes not going anywhere..and that he gets lonely. When or IF we do end up meeting after all of this crap that has happened in the last 2 weeks...we are meeting as friends only and then take things from there. This is a mutual thing between us. He tells me he wants to be more than friends but he will be happy either way it comes out...if things dont work out hes fine with it, but if things turn romantic then he will be fine w/ that also. I feel like hes being careful like hes afraid im not going to like him or vice versa. But he likes the 'idea" of what could be. Im getting mixed signals. One min hes telling me he doesnt want a relationship, next min he does. Plus the sweet talking, doesnt help at all. I am so naive...plus I dont want my feelings to get in the way of what I am hearing. Im trying to keep my head on straight about this but it is VERY hard.

I think we are pretty much on the same page about this and he agrees. Im mostly confused about what hes telling me about being single one min then wanting a gf the next. Maybe hes just scared and doesnt want to get too attached? Kind of like a denial thing.

 

Problem with me is that I love him, and I really would like for something to happen between us other than just friends, and I dont know if I can stand just being his friend(that is,,,if I think we do click in real life like we do online and he doesnt). At the moment, I dont want to see him dating anyone else other than me...it would hurt me too much. I just dont know where to go with this. I am still angry at him because of this other girl, but I love him..and want to continue our friendship...and possibly explore something more in real life. Am I nuts or what? I feel like a complete basket case over this. Its silly! I cant believe I have feelings for someone like this, that I havent even met. I am so confused in what to do...or even what our relationship is...it feels like more than just a friendship, and he agrees with me about this, but we still consider ourselves single. Sometimes I feel like he doesnt know what the hell he wants. Part of me says I should just cut all ties, and let this whole thing alone, but my heart is telling me to pursue an offline relationship with him, and get to know this person. I just feel so vulnerable right now....I have opened myself up to this person and now I feel like im just standing out in an open field with an iron suit on during an electrical storm.

 

Any guys have any advice on how to handle this situation? Am I being played? Should I give him a taste of his own medicine and play the game too? Am I allowing my feelings to get ahead of me? I am just so confused. Enlighten me please!!

 

Sorry this has turned out to be so long but I am really having problems dealing w/ this and need some advice.

[moimeme]

Online relationships are bizarre little items. You can develop very strong feelings for someone who amounts to bundles of electrons being beamed at you; there is no actual substance to him and yet somehow you feel there is.

 

3D relationships are fraught with problems - you only have to read LS for a while to confirm that - and online relationships suffer from their own sorts of troubles. Chief among them is trust. While it's true that a person can just as easily lie to you in person as they can online or on the phone, at least if you are in the same area you have a few more chances to observe them and see whether their words and actions hold true.

 

The next problem is that the bond/chemistry/click/what-have-you that you feel at a distance may not translate to 3D. Could be you don't find yourselves in sync at all when you finally meet.

 

Given these considerations, the dilemma then becomes whether to put one's life on hold for the sake of the potentially-untruthful, potentially-not-a-match person until you can meet in 3D. Whether or not that was your guy's reason for pursuing the other girl, we don't know - but it could be. However, having said that, I think that it would have been far better for him to be truthful about that then to do it without you knowing - so that's not a good sign. Let's hope that this was a rare untruth rather than a sign of habitual untrustworthiness.

 

This is a mutual thing between us. He tells me he wants to be more than friends but he will be happy either way it comes out...if things dont work out hes fine with it, but if things turn romantic then he will be fine w/ that also. I feel like hes being careful like hes afraid im not going to like him or vice versa. But he likes the 'idea" of what could be. Im getting mixed signals. One min hes telling me he doesnt want a relationship, next min he does.

 

He sounds as though he has his head on straight. It seems to me, having been through a couple of these things, that the sanest thing to do is understand that you just can't really know someone until you've met in 3D so to plan to definitely have a relationship is to set yourselves up for possible disappointment; though it sounds as though you are already at that spot. He, on the other hand, has said that he'd like you to be in his life whatever happens. Sometimes you come across a perfectly great human being that you just don't fall in love with, for whatever reason, but you still want that person in your life. This certainly can happen to people in online relationships and it is wise to keep that in mind. It sounds as though he is taking that into consideration.

 

I would suggest that, jobless or no, you arrange to meet ASAP. Once you've spent some 3D time together, you'll both know what direction you want to take the relationship and then you can govern your lives afterward accordingly. It's pretty hard to tone down loving feelings, but if you can reduce your hopes and expectations at all, it will make it easier on you both. A year and a half is a long time to dally without knowing how you function together in real life; it would be a shame to discover you both put all your hopes into a doomed venture. So go and see him or have him see you quickly. If he's fabulous and wonderful and you click, it may inject new life into your job search. If you don't find that you are a match made in heaven, then you will be free to pursue your lives differently - and possibly support each other in doing so as friends.

[amerikajin]

>>>Problem with me is that I love him<<<

 

Not to sound like a smartass, but yes, that is your problem. You shouldn't love someone without really knowing them first, and I'm a believer that you can't know someone until you've met them in the flesh. Online relationships are too often the stuff of fantasy - people pretending to be something they aren't, and people making the other person to be something they aren't as well.

 

The fact is you've known this guy exists for at least 18 months now and you're no closer to getting a real date than you were when you first started. I think you treat these things the same as you do in any other relationship. Give the other person time to come around, but if they don't after a while (a couple of months), it's time to move on.

[Arabess]

SanS,

I can't give you any advice any better than what you've gotten here.

 

I've actually met alot of guys on line who I've ended up going out with....even if just friends. I even had a two year relationship with someone I met online. So, I do think meeting someone online is a valid way to meet someone these days.

 

The problem is....there is only one dimension of them we are in contact with. The things we don't see...we have a tendency to fill in with 'personal preference'. Like how they walk, hold you, handle anger....any number of things which usually we use to judge a person's character. So, it's easy to make them what you want them to be. It takes GREAT effort NOT to do that!!!

 

I've rarely met anyone online who wasn't truthful about who they were. I've rarely been disappointed when I've met them in real. However, an 18 months wait 3 hours between you really sounds WIERD! I've never known a guy to wait that long. I've met guys from 5 states away within 6 weeks! They will generally make that drive! Keep in mind....he can always be married!!! I've had that happen too! Just cause they are online alot or talk on the phone with you....is no indication they are single.

 

No one can really tell you what to do in your situation here. I'd take the advice from the others though.....keep your heart in check until you have the chance to meet. Better yet, get in the car and check HIM out. 3 hours is no biggie in driving distance. See where he lives....see if he lives alone. It's YOUR heart and life....you've got to protect it.

 

Good Luck and let us know how this pans out!!!

Arabess

[AllyKat]

Ive met some guys online who will promise you the moon and stars, and type it to someone else the next second!

 

He doesnt sound like a keeper. I mean, would you honestly trust him? You wouldnt

 

 

wonder what he was doing on the computer ever? He has shown you he isnt trustworthy. I do not think every man you meet online isnt trustworthy, but there are alot of people, men and women, who do this online thing, only to be married or doing it to other online people.

 

Plus, doesnt it concern you that he keeps cancelling? Or telling you one thing then another?

 

Pick up your pieces, chalking it up to learning, and move on. You were/are in love with the man you thought he was, not the one he really is!

[hurtinrealbad]

Cyberdating is nothing more than a man's web-based fantasy so that those usernames on the other end can be any woman they want it to be. They don't know you, they don't want to know you, they only want to fulfill that fantasy in their heads..... Or at least tha'ts my opinion.