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BF and I just had the most heart-wrenching conversation. Our LDR is starting to take its toll on him. The main issue is that we don't see how we're going to be able to move in the same town any time soon. Another issue is that we don't have enough money to see each other as often as we would like. He misses the companionship and having someone around. Neither of us want to break up - but we just don't really know what to do anymore.

 

We've been LDR for over a year. We've been together for 2 years. I moved because I landed my dream job (tenure-track academic position in exactly my field of research) in a city 500 kilometers from him. He has his dream job in the city where I did my PhD.

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Anyone? I'm really afraid we're headed towards a break up. I may not sound emotional here, but I've had a few crying meltdowns today.

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K, I can't say a lot, except that I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

But how did you think this was going to play out if neither of you were willing to put the relationship before career? And honestly, how fulfilling has it been for you? How long would you have been willing to stay long distance?

 

In my mind long distance relationships are great for people who don't really want to be in relationships.

 

It does seem pretty odd that he would be feeling ambivalent now, after you came into all that money. He must be a bit of a dummy.

 

Also, you should realize that there are universities here where I live. Just put that in the back of your mind.

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Hey Kamille, since you're only 500 kms away, isn't there someplace in the middle you could meet, every weekend or every other? Do both of you drive?

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No crying!!! (((K)))

 

But how did you think this was going to play out if neither of you were willing to put the relationship before career?

 

In my mind long distance relationships are great for people who don't really want to be in relationships.

 

I kinda had the same thoughts.

 

What does your BF do, K? Are there opportunities for him in your city?

 

Perhaps it's selfish of me, but if in your shoes (well, I kinda am, in terms of "I can't move because my exact dream job is right here"), moving wouldn't be an option for me. So I'd be praying that he'd give...

 

310-ish miles doesn't sound too far too me to manage, or even that costly? But over time I can imagine it would become a burden. If you had the money to travel more often, would you?

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How can you make me cry and laugh at the same time.

 

I think one of the issues is that neither one of us wants to say: move here for me and abandon your career.

 

And I do wonder if the fact that it turns out I love love love my job has something to do with his doubts. When I started last year, anxiety made me question if I was going to like it or be good at it. Now, I know I like it and believe I could be quite good at the job. Now, we're both realizing I would be sacrificing a lot were I to quit my job to move to back to Toronto.

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Hey Kamille, since you're only 500 kms away, isn't there someplace in the middle you could meet, every weekend or every other? Do both of you drive?

 

I drive, he doesn't. I don't own a car right now, but am planning to get one in two years.

 

There is someplace in the middle, but neither one of us know it very well. We could definitely give hanging out a weekend there a try, but then the challenge is that we would need to funnel money towards a hotel (on top of transportation).

 

I could also move to another city he likes better than my current one, commute to work daily and be slightly closer to him (and pay less rent).

 

I really don't know. He's coming over this weekend and we're going to try to brainstorm strategies.

 

No crying!!! (((K)))

 

 

 

I kinda had the same thoughts.

 

What does your BF do, K? Are there opportunities for him in your city?

 

Perhaps it's selfish of me, but if in your shoes (well, I kinda am, in terms of "I can't move because my exact dream job is right here"), moving wouldn't be an option for me. So I'd be praying that he'd give...

 

310-ish miles doesn't sound too far too me to manage, or even that costly? But over time I can imagine it would become a burden. If you had the money to travel more often, would you?

 

If we had more money, I would like us to get a bigger apartment in his city, me to keep a room in my city and yes I would commute more often. I'm a homebody, and as things are now, I don't really find his place comfortable.

 

There aren't really that many opportunities for him in this city which would offer the income and benefits he makes now. Plus he doesn't really like this city. Torontonians :rolleyes:.

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Is there nothing similar for you to do at any of the Uni's in town, or surrounding Uni's in the GTA- even if it's Hamilton?

 

Is it a matter that losing your dream job would mean taking a big step backward?

 

What about him? Could he find something similar where you are?

Have either of you even explored your options?

 

When you love someone, it's so tough to be so far apart- but someone has to make a sacrifice or it won't work.

 

I know how you feel- My exH and I had a LDR for years. He lived and worked in Ohio, and I worked and went to school in Hamilton. It truly did become a huge problem. I was so lonely, even though I was married. He spent weeks away because he had such a great contract job that just never seemed to end... I couldn't move because of citizenship issues and the fact that I owned a business and was trying to finish school.

 

In order for things to work- someone has to make a sacrifice, the problem is "who?"

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Hope you two end up with a compromise from brainstorming. 500 kms within the same province and country, should be doable, if only to see each other once every two, even three weeks where long weekends would be a bonus.

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Is there nothing similar for you to do at any of the Uni's in town, or surrounding Uni's in the GTA- even if it's Hamilton?

 

 

I started looking at job postings in Toronto. There are a few positions I would qualify for, but none that are quite the "match" this one is. My current contract is for three years though, and I would have to pay back the moving fees were I to break it. We also had a deal that I wasn't going to start looking for jobs until the end of that contact.

 

As I looked at the job ads today, I actually felt distressed and angry. I'm finally finally finally starting to feel less anxiety about my job. I love my department and I get along well with my colleagues. That department and I really fit well together. The thought of starting over again, from job search to moving, (and taking the risk of a bad fit) makes me feel nauseous and exhausted.

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Hope you two end up with a compromise from brainstorming. 500 kms within the same province and country, should be doable, if only to see each other once every two, even three weeks where long weekends would be a bonus.

 

That's what we currently do. We see each other every other week, usually for 2-4 days. (My job allows me to work away from home). It isn't enough for him. It currently works for me. Up until today, I had no idea there was an issue. I'm still kind of shocked.

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That's what we currently do. We see each other every other week. It isn't enough for him. It currently works for me. Up until today, I had no idea there was an issue. I'm still kind of shocked.
((hugs)) It's hard to see you so sad. LDRs can be so impossible. Maybe he had a bad week or two and was reacting to it.

 

If he's anything like you, the two of you will find some way to compromise. No matter what, sending good vibes your way. Stay strong!

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Hope you two end up with a compromise from brainstorming. 500 kms within the same province and country, should be doable, if only to see each other once every two, even three weeks where long weekends would be a bonus.

 

What about HIM? Has he looked?

He is the one that has the bigger issue, you'd think he would have least done some job searching...

 

The bottom line is that you (or him) would have to make a geat sacrifice to remain in the relationship... At least that's the message he's sending you right?

 

I'm just going to throw it out there... Do you love him enough to make that sacrifice?

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What about HIM? Has he looked?

He is the one that has the bigger issue, you'd think he would have least done some job searching...

 

The bottom line is that you (or him) would have to make a geat sacrifice to remain in the relationship... At least that's the message he's sending you right?

 

I'm just going to throw it out there... Do you love him enough to make that sacrifice?

D, this is what kind of bothers me. Must a decision be made right now? These guys are seeing each other 2 - 4 days every couple of weeks. This is like date night+, twice a week since they're spending almost entire days together.

 

Kamille has only been in this job for a short while, less than a year. Now that things are finally coming around for her, where she's got a comfort level happening, why is this suddenly a major issue? Has he been doing some unilateral decision making in his head and not been open with her? This is really concerning.

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When you work thru this try and make sure that the future plans are somewhat nailed down as to who does what when it comes to sacrifice..

 

I think if you both work on it you can come up with something that allows time for the realtionship like others have pointed out.. like meeting half way each weekend or every other weekend..

You could go years like that....

 

I take it his dream job isn't findable in your city.. you mentioned that you are looking in his city, has he seriously started looking in his ?

 

Paying the moving expenses back is doable with his help.. if you guys moved in together the moving expenses would be paid for in a month or so..

 

Crossing fingers for both of you guys...

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D, this is what kind of bothers me. Must a decision be made right now? These guys are seeing each other 2 - 4 days every couple of weeks. This is like date night+, twice a week since they're spending almost entire days together.

 

Kamille has only been in this job for a short while, less than a year. Now that things are finally coming around for her, where she's got a comfort level happening, why is this suddenly a major issue? Has he been doing some unilateral decision making in his head and not been open with her? This is really concerning.

 

I agree with you- she landed her dream job- and she mentions that researching jobs in TO make her feel resentful....

 

That's not a good thing- and giving up her job and moving into a job that's not her dream job just to appease her bf WILL create major resentment.

 

It might be the same for him... How does a relationship like this work when both partners miss one another like crazy, yet can't be together in the way they'd both want to?

 

I think Kam is more okay with the LDR than her bf... That might just be because she has her dream job and recognizes that it's not replaceable- even for love.

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sweetjasmine

*hugs*, Kamille. This is one of the very worst parts of LDRs, and I'm sorry you're going through it.

 

(tenure-track academic position in exactly my field of research)

 

Tenure-track positions are hard enough to come by; landing one in your exact field and finding that you love the department is incredibly rare. It's an amazing accomplishment to land a tenure-track job basically right out of school, and you've had a lot of luck in finding a place you like. My 2 cents (which you're perfectly free to throw out, of course) is that it would be a bad move for you to break the 3-year contract and look for something else. I'm not sure what your field is and can't comment on what the job market looks like, but generally speaking, positions like the one you have are very hard to come by, and the competition is stiff. Having broken a 3-year contract in a tenure-track position could significantly hurt you in future searches, so it's something to seriously consider.

 

What about him? Is his dream job the kind of position someone could find in multiple places?

 

Something has to give eventually, but I agree with TBF. Does an absolute decision really need to be made right now? The stress of not knowing what's going to happen can be terrible and difficult to live with, but it's better than making a rash decision.

 

Just for some background, I went off to graduate school 600+ miles away from my SO. I had intended to do a PhD (which I didn't end up completing for reasons that had nothing to do with our relationship), but neither of us knew where we were going to end up. We were long distance for two years, and I did most of the traveling. We saw each other about once a month, and I can't tell you how many 13 hour uncomfortable train rides I had. He graduated a few months before I received my advanced degree, so everything was totally up in the air until he had secured a job, which ended up being in another state. It was a total mess until we had a somewhat clear answer, and it was stressful and unpleasant. But things eventually fell into place, and we ended up in the same spot. So it is doable.

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((hugs)) It's hard to see you so sad. LDRs can be so impossible. Maybe he had a bad week or two and was reacting to it.

 

If he's anything like you, the two of you will find some way to compromise. No matter what, sending good vibes your way. Stay strong!

 

 

Thanks. I'm staying calm because I know we'll be able to talk about this together. I am hoping we find a solution that works for the two of us.

What about HIM? Has he looked?

 

Do you mean look for me in his city or look for himself in mine? Either way, I'm not aware that he has actually looked. What I do know is that he doesn't want to move here. He has mentioned that he would like moving to another city, the one that I could commute from (I'm guessing you guys have guessed the cities, but since I am now a semi-public figure, I'm keeping it anonymous). I could also probably somewhat easily find a similar job profile to my current one in that other city. In fact, there was one department in that city which would have been my second choice, after the one where I currently am.

 

The bottom line is that you (or him) would have to make a geat sacrifice to remain in the relationship... At least that's the message he's sending you right?

 

I'm just going to throw it out there... Do you love him enough to make that sacrifice?

 

That is the scariest aspect of all this: it raises this precise question. And right now, I feel that the question puts to much pressure on everything. I was happy with the LDR. Does that mean I don't love him enough? He has made a comment to that effect. I just don't feel it's a productive path. Were we in the same city, we would never have to answer that question. In my mind, sticking to a LDR for a year is proof of our love. I kind of feel the flip side: "Doesn't he love me enough to stick this LDR with me?"

 

D, this is what kind of bothers me. Must a decision be made right now? These guys are seeing each other 2 - 4 days every couple of weeks. This is like date night+, twice a week since they're spending almost entire days together.

 

Kamille has only been in this job for a short while, less than a year. Now that things are finally coming around for her, where she's got a comfort level happening, why is this suddenly a major issue? Has he been doing some unilateral decision making in his head and not been open with her? This is really concerning.

 

I agree. I can't figure out what's going on on his side that would suddenly make this an issue. Today I felt the whole deal was really unfair. I finally feel happy, relaxed, content, and boom, he hits me with this. I can't wait to sit him down and talk.

 

When you work thru this try and make sure that the future plans are somewhat nailed down as to who does what when it comes to sacrifice..

 

I think if you both work on it you can come up with something that allows time for the realtionship like others have pointed out.. like meeting half way each weekend or every other weekend..

You could go years like that....

 

I take it his dream job isn't findable in your city.. you mentioned that you are looking in his city, has he seriously started looking in his ?

 

Paying the moving expenses back is doable with his help.. if you guys moved in together the moving expenses would be paid for in a month or so..

 

Crossing fingers for both of you guys...

 

Thanks AC. Figuring out who makes what sacrifices will probably be the toughest part, but it's sage advice.

 

It's true, the moving expense are a minor detail. I just hadn't thought I would be looking for a job for at least another two years.

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Well I am Canadian from Ontario, so I do know where all the Uni's are:)

 

What I was asking is if HE has considered changing jobs- has HE looked into another job for himself?

 

Are you both academics?

 

I had profs at my uni that were married:)

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*hugs*, Kamille. This is one of the very worst parts of LDRs, and I'm sorry you're going through it.

 

 

Just for some background, I went off to graduate school 600+ miles away from my SO. I had intended to do a PhD (which I didn't end up completing for reasons that had nothing to do with our relationship), but neither of us knew where we were going to end up. We were long distance for two years, and I did most of the traveling. We saw each other about once a month, and I can't tell you how many 13 hour uncomfortable train rides I had. He graduated a few months before I received my advanced degree, so everything was totally up in the air until he had secured a job, which ended up being in another state. It was a total mess until we had a somewhat clear answer, and it was stressful and unpleasant. But things eventually fell into place, and we ended up in the same spot. So it is doable.

 

Thank you so much for sharing Sweet Jasmine. I know of other friends who were LDR for 6 years before they could work out how to be in the same town. I know that for me it's possible. I'm just not sure he's up to the challenge.

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Well I am Canadian from Ontario, so I do know where all the Uni's are:)

 

What I was asking is if HE has considered changing jobs- has HE looked into another job for himself?

 

Are you both academics?

 

I had profs at my uni that were married:)

 

I bet you've guessed the cities :laugh:. Will you come visit me in Petawawa :p?

 

He's not an academic and his field is currently undergoing some major restructuring. He probably has one of the last full time / permanent-with-benefits jobs in that field. Were he to switch, he would likely be looking at a future of short term contracts and a major hit to his income.

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He's not an academic and his field is currently undergoing some major restructuring. He probably has one of the last full time / permanent-with-benefits jobs in that field. Were he to switch, he would likely be looking at a future of short term contracts and a major hit to his income.
Aha! So he is experiencing some workplace stress being low man on the totem pole which might be impacting on his ability to emotionally process.
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Aha! So he is experiencing some workplace stress being low man on the totem pole which might be impacting on his ability to emotionally process.

 

Good point. He actually has a lot going on in his life right now. It would make sense that he would crave a relationship that offers a bit more support.

 

We'll see we'll see. He'll be here Sunday.

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I bet you've guessed the cities :laugh:. Will you come visit me in Petawawa :p?

 

He's not an academic and his field is currently undergoing some major restructuring. He probably has one of the last full time / permanent-with-benefits jobs in that field. Were he to switch, he would likely be looking at a future of short term contracts and a major hit to his income.

 

Oh= no way, lol. I love you when you are downtown though.:lmao:

 

So is he not flexible at all?

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sweetjasmine
Thank you so much for sharing Sweet Jasmine. I know of other friends who were LDR for 6 years before they could work out how to be in the same town. I know that for me it's possible. I'm just not sure he's up to the challenge.

 

It certainly isn't easy. He could just be going through a phase of fear or uncertainty. Talking in person will definitely help.

 

And, yeah, based on what you wrote about his job, chances are that he's thinking if he leaves this position, he'll be totally screwed and will never have a full-time, permanent + benefits job in the field again. It's a tough situation, but it looks like you guys are already coming up with realistic solutions like moving to the third city and commuting. It's a start!

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