LDR Breakup...what can I do?

[Erwin2475]

Was in a LDR with my ex for over a year. During that period we saw each other every 4-6 weeks. I'd fly there sometimes and she'd fly over too (4+ hour flights). It was a hefty investment but all worth it. We went through the phases...honeymoon, reality, and I think we came out very good and have been stable for a while. Trust was never a problem. Comms could be better, but it was always improving.

 

We started talking about plans early on, and around 4-5 months ago she agreed that she'd move to where I am, once she's settled some of her work matters. Despite the distance, we were very close and texted / spoke daily and often. It was the happiest time of my life. And her friends also said she seemed much happier with me in her life.

 

In February she moved in with me for 2 months, as she was taking an extended break. She brought most of her cloths and stuff, as she was going to stay and find a job. I just bought a new house, we adopted a dog, and all was good as we looked forward to a life - together at last.

 

6 weeks ago she went back home - that was always in the plan, that'd she'd go back to help out a new family business and charity she founded for a few months - before returning for good. The two months she was with me were very good and we really enjoyed 'living together' for real.

 

I sensed something wrong 3 weeks ago - she was texting me less and seemed more distant, even though she was still mostly herself when we talked. I asked her and probed a bit, and eventually she said she's not coming back.

 

Her main reason was that she could not drop everything - her family, friends, familiarities and her charity, to move to a new country, even one where I'm in and with a house for her to make her own. Not now, and she doesn't know when or if she ever will. And that she was very, very sorry. I know she's feeling a lot of pain and guilt, because she does love me and it's not an easy decision to make. But she chose, and it wasn't me.

 

Needless to say, I was heartbroken. All the sacrifice, all the time and a year waiting. Still, she could not even give the relationship a real chance, even though her feelings are there.

 

I pleaded and begged for a week or so, then started no contact. She's on my msn everyday but we don't talk. And I deleted her form Facebook soon after.

 

I (painfully) packed up all her stuff in my house and shipped them back to her, including all the letters we wrote each other during the LDR.

 

I honestly feels she's a little confused and didn't know what she want really. She's not ready to leave home and the comfort it provides her. But neither does she want to have a LDR indefinitely, and leave me waiting. I don't know if she loves me the same, but I know it's not easy for her this very moment (her close friends have told me she's in pain and lots of guilt). This was her first real r'ship, and she's always said she's grown and mature the most over this last year. She's 26. I'm 36.

 

She said she really wants to remain close friends (don't they all), as she really feels we connected strongly and had great conversations. I made the mistake of telling her I'll be there for her and be her friend, because I couldn't bear to see her wrecked with guilt, even if I'm heartbroken myself. But I've been on strict no contact for about a month.

 

I do think she's the one for me, and I can definitely see us being together long term, marry etc. And we even talked about it, even if it's not something that would happen soon.. But I'm also old enough to know that I have to let go if that's the best thing to do.

 

I can't help but feel that she would change her mind again, and even in a year or two she might look back at make a different decision. I'm not saying I'm going to wait in faint hope, but I dearly wish I have a chance to talk through things with her.

 

I guess I'm just very sad that she couldn't give us a chance - move here, start a new career challenge (she even got for pre-approved work permits and long term visas), and try out a life together in our own home. Instead she decided that she's better off staying where she 'belongs', with her family and friends and a 'comfort zone' essentially. Those things will always be there for her, but once I'm gone - I'm gone. I'm sad that she doesn't see it like that. And she didn't do anything really to try and save the r'ship or even look at possible solutions (I was willing to keep the LDR and see how things are later). My dreams and life's centre are gone, just like that. I'm coping because I like to think that I'm mature enough, but that doesn't mean it's easy.

 

Is there anything I can do? If it's her family, friends and other comforts that she can't give up or is not prepared to…these are factors out of my control. It really comes down to her fear of such a big change in her life and moving to anew country, new people, new circles etc…

 

Thanks a lot if anyone can help / advise or just give your thoughts. Sorry for the word count.

[Erwin2475]

I would be willing to leave my family and friends to move to where she is - if I am confident of being able to provide for both of us well. The fact is I've spent the last 10 years setting up my base here (at home), and my career is here (i'm part owner of a company that is growing), and I just bought a house. She knew all these, which is why we started talking about plans months ago. Once she was done with her charity, she'd leave it in better hands and move here to find a job and start a life. She even said she was ready to go and start somewhere new. She's not had a real full-time job since she graduated, and most of her last las 2 years were spent setting up the charity. So it seemed logical that she'd move to where I am, where I can help provide for her and us, at least in the short to mid-term.

 

I'm in Singapore. She's in Taiwan, although she grew up in Vancouver. So language and culture aren't really issues (English is the langauge in Singapore, and she speaks Mandarin too, which is even better cos she's bilingual and that could really help her in Singapore). I could go on listing the reasons....but in the end she realise it's not what she's prepared to give up.

 

It could be due to her age (although I don't think 26 is that young) and certainly emotional maturity (I was her first, realy boyfriend). The decision proved too big for her. She wants her fmaily, sister and firends and dogs around her. I'm just very sad that we never had a chance. She could come here, try it out for a couple of years, and if things don't work out for her here or between us, she could return to Taiwan or Vancouver and she wouldn't have lost that much. At least I'd know that we tried. Now, things ended even before they could really start. For a year all we talked about was the moment when we could really be together. Now, she simply made a turnaround, and said she can't help how she feels. I feel like a fool sometimes, really, thinking I was so important in her life. All the things she said I don't know if she knew if she meant it. If she did it wouldn't have turned out like that for sure. In the end all she kept doing was apologizing and saying she feels pain and guilt.

 

I'm trying to move on without faint hopes, but it's so hard. I keep wondering when she'll contact me again. I surely will not break no contact. There are nights when I dream that she apologized and came back to me. In the morning, it just feels so depressing. Everytime I come home to an empty house, I can't help but be reminded of what should have been. Just 2 months ago, we were supposed to live here happily with our dog. Now, I'm alone and the dog has been rehomed (he's doing great now, better than being home 10-1 hours a day by himself), and all my dreams shattered. Marriage and having kids weren't my focus, and I told her that. I just wanted us to live together for a while and try it out.

 

I'm even willing to wait another year or so until she settles her matters in Taiwan, or spent more time with her parents and charity before making the move. But she did nothing to try and save the relationship. She just said it's best to end it, cried, and hung up.

 

I miss her everyday now, although sometimes I don't know if I missed her or the relationship. She was my best friend and she really loved me and was so devoted. I had no issue with trust at all, because she's so loyal. We talked everyday and everything was so great. And just like that, overnight, it's over. No-one saw it coming, not me, not her close friends, I think not even her parents. Although I'm sure she spoke to people and she was probably told the best thing would be to end it so I don't wait indefinitely for her.

 

I miss her so much. There are times I feel so tempted to message her, believing that my state of mind is healthy enough to just talk as friends. After all it was how we began – talking for hours on end on MSN for months, before sparks started to fly. It’s a beautiful way to start a blossoming relationship – just on conversations that go for hours. I’m sure we can still do that now. But I know I’m not ready, and it’ll just kill me. he has not contacted me since, and I sure as hell am not going to break no contact. But frankly I wouldn’t know what to say even if she did. I don’t want to small talk, yet if the relationship comes up I don’t know what’s worth saying without things getting bitter or unhappy again. My confidence has not come back to a level where I can take this on with grace and emotional intelligence in a conversation, I don’t think.

 

I wonder what she’s thinking, and if she thinks of me at all. I wonder if there’s any regret, or is it relief that she finally chose what she wants. I wonder if she’s met someone new. I know there are always guys circling her, but she’s picky (like me). But if she does meet someone I hope he treats her the way she deserves to be.

 

I’m really trying to move on, but I love and miss her so much, and while I accept her reasons (and from what some of you said here, it's understandable and I agree) I can’t accept why she does not value this relationship enough to make an effort to talk to me or find ways to save it. A break up was the most obvious and easy route, but really, it seemed rash and a quickly-taken decision. Apologies and saying it’s all her fault do no good for me. She really didn't do anything much to try and save this, but I think it's because she was at a lost too, and would rather throw herself into her work. I can’t accept that she rather live with the regret, if she has any. One thing about my life is I don’t want to live with regrets, but it seems like that’s going to be the case when it comes to what might have been with her.

 

Could we have made it if we saw each other 3 or 4 times a year? Give it a year or so and see if things change? I’m more than willing to wait a year, and she wouldn’t owe me anything for it. But none of this even surface as a remote option. If she even said that long distance simply will not work for her, at least THAT’s a reason. Or even if she told me that frankly her feelings aren’t the same anymore. But no, there were no talk, no solution-finding, no closure.

 

I’m going out, meeting people, and will even go on dates. But it’s all just part of the healing process. I can’t contemplate another relationship until I get over this one, and that’s the problem: I don’t know when that will be. I’m not one of those who don’t believe there’s someone better out there, or that I will not find someone else better. But for all of her faults, I still love her. I was really in for the long haul, and no matter what we fought over (which wasn’t that often), or disagree on, I knew I want to be with her for life. I can’t explain it. It’s not blind – I love her really for who she is, and how she treated me as a girlfriend and made me feel as a person. It’s a connection not so easily broken. And she truly was my best friend.

 

How does one pick up the pieces of an old life, knowing that things will never be the same again? When I was with her I felt ageless. Now, I’m getting more aware that I’m on the wrong side of 30. I’ve always been philosophical about meeting that ‘someone’. If it doesn’t happen, so be it. I’ll find other things to do and successes to achieve. I was prepared to stay single for the rest of my life, rather than ‘settling’ for someone or something less.

 

I thought she and I coming together was fated and written in the stars, because our meeting was so improbable. Yet we fit so well. And I always thought the long distance and all the challenges in our way were there because something so good isn’t meant to be easy; that’ll we’ll overcome them all one by one and we’ll be together the better for it. I truly, truly believed that, and it was what kept me going in the LDR. Now I’ve got a broken heart patched together by some remnants of willpower left, and alone and just lacking purpose. My house is empty but all I see are shattered dreams everywhere. I won’t cower or go into depression because I’m better than that, and time is a healer – I know that. But I don’t how I’m going to live with the regret…

[adam029]

i feel for you, i really do....im in almost the exact same situation, but we never moved in together but we talked about it, having children, getting a dog etc....im 29 and she is 23, i live in australia and she lives in the USA...everything was going well, she met my family, we were happiest when we were together, i loved her so much and she loved me (well so i thought)...but one day she seemed a little different i just thought it was due to her studies but she confessed to me that she couldnt handle the long distance thing and she wanted to do all the coupley things (movie dates etc) but she still told me she loved me so i was confused.... then all of a sudden the calls stopped and she officially broke up with me via text messages....heartbroken to say the least, i think about her every day, that was a month ago...

 

but for you erwin i dont think you should have any regrets, it sounds like you did nothing wrong....i think she will realise the mistake she has made in good time (im hoping for my sake as well with my predicament) keep your NC (im doing the same thing) and she may be missing you just as much but too guilty to even contemplate calling you, she probably thinks you hate her....she might also think you have found someone else because you havent contacted her...i hope everything works out for the best because i know how you're feeling and it sucks big time...heart wrenching almost

[blugirl]

I felt so moved reading your posts, guys Really feel for you both, hope everything's gonna be fine in the end... though I can't imagine how heartbroken you two must be....please stay strong.

[kerra]

This is so sad. If you really consider that she's the one, have you ever thought of moving to her place and start your life there with her?

[Erwin2475]

We've been talking for some months about her moving here, and it was pretty much agreed. For practical reasons (as I've said in my previous post), it was logical for her to make the move. It's not that I'm not prepared to move for her - I would, but it's much harder for me to get a foothold in Taiwan, job-wise. I had to think about how I can best provide for both of us, as she will be mostly working in her charity with no fixed income. It would be the romantic choice to move. Unfortunately, I have to consider the actual outcomes too. And I just bought a house (for us, but now it's just me living alone).

 

I'm getting better after almost 6 weeks. I still miss her every day, but I'm starting to move on, focusing on work and other things. We still haven't been in contact since 4 weeks ago. She told her friend she hopes to be friends in the future. I don't believe her mind's changed and she must be moving on as well. She just moved to a new apartment with her sister and 3 dogs, so it's probably a fresh start for her.

 

To be honest I'm waiting for her to make contact, but I don't know if she will. She may be waiting for me to do it, or she may still be feeling guilty, or she may think that I hate her (I deleted her form Facebook, MSN). But I really don't think I should be the one initiating contact - not until I'm sure that I'm over it and will be ok talking to her without any expectations.

 

These has been the saddest, most traumatic days of my 36 years of life. I thought I found the one that I'd spend my life with - that's the real source of pain. Now, it's back to square one. I don't want to have faint hopes - that she'll change her mind, even if years down the road. I try to avoid those train of thoughts. I've got to move on and find a higher purpose.

[Erwin2475]

Been on strict (almost) 2 month NC. Thought I was in a good place. Not that I was about to RC, but I really thought I was getting much better and on my way - working out, going out, focusing on work…sleeping and eating well.

 

Today I just found out my long distance ex, barely a month after she broke up with me over the phone, is dating someone else. It was like a knife through my heart, I'm ashamed to admit. I feel like I'm back to square one - it's obvious that I was nowhere near ready, but I'm still shock at how this one piece of news totally undid what I thought I had achieved.

 

I'm up at 3am writing this, cos I can't sleep. I tried to keep the thoughts out, and I did even worse by browsing some pics of them two on Facebook (even though I deleted her from FB long time ago - it's still pretty easy to find through mutual friends).

 

Man, am I really going to have to go through this again? I know how is it, and what I must do, but guys you know that it's impossible to control the emotions right now. All the bad thoughts that are infecting my mind like a disease.

 

I don't even think I want this woman back in my life, I just want to forget. I don't deserve this, after everything I've done for her. Basically, she decided suddenly that she cannot move to where I am, and so broke it off. Weeks later, she's with someone else.

 

Seriously, I don't know if I care much for NC or RC or whatever. I just want to forget this and move on. There's no happy ending to this either way, I don't believe. We are living separate lives, and I really wish I can purge all these thoughts out of my head.

 

Facebook is evil man, seriously. The guy already has 'in a relationship with XXX' done up, but she didn't update her status - probably doesn't want to make it so obvious and I know she doesn't want me to find out about it. I broke my NC with Facebook too, now I really have to try and not go on digging for info.

 

I don't need to say more. You guys know what I'm going through. Damn this sucks.

[Jon10]

Hey Erwin, I really feel for you man as i'm going through a similar situation with my long distance ex girlfriend. While reading through your story I had a feeling that you may mention the dreaded new boyfriend. Yeh I can pretty much relate to a lot in what you mentioned. Everything was going great, made plans for the future, meet the parents etc....then bam its over. With my Ex it was the exact same...the calls became less, fewer texts but she still sounded the same on the phone until eventually she made up lame excuses as to why she couldn't spend time with me during her planned visit/flights to my home town. It was on that visit that I discovered through a close friend of hers that she had a new man in her life...and that was only 2 weeks after splitting with me.

 

It took me to ask her if there was someone new....it felt horrible that she couldnt tell me straight up but I knew the distance was more difficult for her. The way I see it she needed that close attention/physical contact on a daily basis and I couldn't give it to her so she found someone who could.

 

Erwin have you tried dating again? It may help to get back out there on the scene. I've dated a bit and it has helped but my emotions will be up one day and down the next....its important to keep busy and keep your emotions in check. Keep up the exercise and surround yourself with your close friends. I know its tough man because I'm still feeling the same pain.

[Erwin2475]

Hey Jon I'm sorry to hear about your story too. How long ago was this and what did you do? NC?

 

Me ex actually had it ready to move. She brought most of her clothes, got her long term visas and work permit documents. It was only on that trip back home that she made the 'realization'. Frankly I can understand if the enormity hit her only in the end. I can live with that, hard as it is. But she did not make any effort to save it. I could have gone LDR for another year, or 2. But she did not want to talk options. Just break it off, and just apologized profusely - to me, my best friend and my parents.

 

Whether it's another man or not, I don't know. I don't think so, because first couple of weeks she went home she was still texting me saying how eager she is to finish her business and come back to me. If a man entered her life and made her change her mind in 2-3 weeks, then I got nothing to say. I'd rather not be with her. But - I'm speculating and at this point, well, there's little point in that.

 

Fact is she's with a new guy, rebound or not, and she doesn't want to move and seems committed to her life in her country. Where that leaves me I don't know. I just am not ready to give up on the r'ship. So I'm now contemplating RC soon. If I can get a sense of her feelings right now, I'd know better what my next move is. If she's cold and withdrawn or makes it clear to me that her feelings are elsewhere, then I can walk away at least having known the truth.

[0hpenelope]

Facebook can be detrimental to your healing, Erwin. You see why a lot of us advocate NC here? I mean, people can get over the ex while being in communication, whether it's active (talking on the phone, texting, e-mailing, hanging out) or non-active (browsing online profiles, Twitter buds, staying on each other's friends lists through MSN, Yahoo, Skype, etc. but not talking to each other), but it makes healing take longer.

 

I'm still friends with our mutual friends. My ex was their friend already by the time I met them and when I initially met them, I had no idea of his existence; I met him much later. For the times that I get in touch with them, they bring me a lot of pain because I honestly believe that they invested more of their time with him post-break up. I thought that was only an assumption, but now I know it wasn't. I decided this week that I'm going to say my goodbyes because I can't handle it.

 

I'll explain what I mean by goodbye. I don't want to invest anymore attachments to them. From the present moment 'til however long, I won't be as quick to respond to their text messages and I won't be as quick to call them back (or maybe I won't call back at all). At this point, I know they only want to stay in touch with me because I make them feel good. But I spared them from a lot of my pain too, simply because I didn't want any of my weaknesses to get back to him in some way. The other part of it is, I know they have a lot of respect for me because I never acted like a psycho ex and that's why they want to "stay in touch." I acted out all of that with other friends. I'm just done with all of that now. I'm very, very sad right now. I can do all of this because now, I'm strong enough to. I will leave them with good memories of me. Yesterday, I hung up w/ one while making her laugh. This next one, I will hope to do the same.

 

I call this relationship with my mutual friends a non-active way of staying in touch with him. Because even bits of pieces of news about him is like twisting the knife deeper. People are quick to say "I don't think that's a big deal to find out. I mean, so what if your ex went to so and so, big deal!" but that's their opinion. They aren't in our shoes where the pain is, in a way, magnified because we aren't part of our ex's life anymore. We had all of these precious, short moments and then they're gone. You and I went in our LDRs with the understanding that we will be together in the same location in the future, but they didn't want any of that. So for the moment, there's nothing we can do.

 

I guess the best advice I can give is to stay where you are right now: gone, away from your ex. Have you perused the other break up boards here on LS? One of the best advices I received is if you become friends with an ex, especially during the time that he's/she's dating someone new, that's like giving him/her your "blessing" that you're cool with him/her not being with you. Lying to someone's bad enough, but personally I think it's worse to lie to yourself and man, it surprises me how long people can carry on lying to themselves.

 

Listen. Your ex chose to date this guy. She wants to be with him. Give her the space to explore this and I'm willing to put money on the opinion that she's comparing him to you. I agree that you need to know your next moves because you can't go into contacting her without having some sort of "plan." And because she's dating someone else, don't you think it's reasonable to believe that she won't change her mind about the break up? Her feelings are already elsewhere: she's with new guy now.

 

Let me know what you think and maybe we can hammer out some more perspectives.

[Erwin2475]

Hi 0hpenelope, tks for your post.

 

I'm off looking at FB. That was why I deleted her form FB early on. Only when I found out about her current guy did I go on to see. Bad idea but at that time it was not controllable. I'm off it now.

 

I've been going over several forums and hundreds of posts. Ultimately, opinions differ and I just have to decide what I feel is best for me to do. I totally see how telling your ex that you're supportive of hew new r'ship, or just playing it cool could be perceived by her that she's got my blessing and I'm lying to myself (the latter is true of course). As you'll know there's also another school of thought that believes that's just showing her you've moved on and she hasn't got the control over you anymore, and meanwhile you're back out there in the market and in time she can decide for herself whether it's her loss or not (you're of course betting that it is).

 

I don't know. If you ask me it could go either way. Much depends on her current r'ship and the nature of it, which I can only speculate but I don't really want to. It feels like a textbook rebound, but again, I don't know. But I know she was single for 2 years before she met me, and after we broke up within weeks she's with another guy she barely knows (apparently). They've been together for about a month.

 

There was a guy in another forum who reconnected with his ex after several months and got her back. She told him if he never initiated contact she would not have gone back to him. It showed her that he wasn't giving up on her. Much also depends on the nature of the breakup.

 

So I really have to think through my situation, and decide what I want and what I'm prepared to walk away with or without. She won't change her mind about the breakup of course. And frankly I don't want her back anyway if she simply 'changes' her mind. I may be trying to get her back but even so if she does want to get back she needs to earn it, after putting me through all these.

 

What I want (I think) is to get a sense of her feelings now. Yes some of it will be with the new guy, but I can't be preoccupied with that. If I sense that she's happy and totally committed to this new r'ship, I'll back off. If through our exchanges I sense that she still likes to talk and open up and appreciate my presence (somewhat) in her life, I'll take it slow. It's also the 'push and pull' thing that needs to be done properly, so that she knows you're drawing her in a bit but you're also not that available and she's gonna have to reach out to get more of you if she wants.

 

At the end of the day, the distance is an issue that may never be resolved. But I love her and right now she's gone and I'm just trying to get her back to a place where we can reconnect and re-establish. Because I don't believe she has lost her feelings (we were very close). It's almost like I'm courting her again I suppose, and if that's the case simply waiting for her to call won't work. And I think even if she wants to reach out, she still feels very guilty and pressured, or she may just believe cutting me off is best for me as well.

 

We fell in love talking on MSN for hours on end almost daily for several months. Our 1-year plus LDR was very good and we saw each other every 4-6 weeks. I want to at least get the MSN r'ship back and maybe in time, whether it's weeks or months, she might reassess. Maybe she needed more time. I'm aware that if I go ahead with this and it happens, I have to be prepared. If she's colder and more withdrawn, I'll probably back off and in fact try to move on. If there's steady progress, we'll see what happens but I'll need to be more careful with how available I make myself to her and also learn from how our previous r'ship evolved.

 

I have to trust that I know when to give up, and right now I don't feel it's the time. I'm not convinced yet. All these forums have been so helpful, but in the end everyone needs to understand his situation first because he or she is the closest to it. After that, you take the best gamble you can.

 

Let me know what you guys think. Cheers.

[0hpenelope]

I like how your post is realistic, Erwin, and that you're receptive to ideas and possibilities. Sometimes, it gets hard to find a positive outlook for advice here because it's just easier to focus on the negatives ("They broke up with you for a reason," "Your ex is an ex for a reason," "Don't give yourself false hope," etc.). One of the things you'll risk placing yourself is in the Friends Zone but again, while difficult, I'm sure there are couples who got back together even if they became "just friends" for a while after their break up. I've seen reconciliations happen in the unlikeliest circumstances and it's quite amazing, considering that one will assume that the "dumper" moves on faster and "more absolutely." Yet some do come back, regardless of time apart. They're interesting, those stories.

 

I understand your perspective, too: at this point in time, you're not looking to get over her but you're still trying to get her back. That's fine, too. I'm a supporter of the push/pull theory and while I wish it was something I had the daring to try with mine, I don't have full faculties over my emotions yet when it comes to him (so I'll mess it up) and I am naturally avoidant of people who decided they don't want me in their lives, past romantic partners or past friends. I learned that I can't force myself on people who don't want me around the hard way and it's one of the "truisms" I formed for myself that I am quite inflexible with.

 

Sorry if I'm digressing. I just wanted to show you where I'm coming from.

 

I think your plan is a good idea. It's really the best you can do for now, considering that she's in a new relationship. You don't want to disrespect that. It's hard to tell if she'll resent you for being present still, even though it's in a "touch and go" basis, regardless of your closeness in the past and you're not focusing on that either. That's... that's quite a demonstration of control over your thoughts and feelings especially, if I may point it out. I'm amazed. I don't know if I'll be able to do that. I suppose it's the age difference between us with me being close to your ex's age.

 

I wish I can suggest something to help you "prepare" for an unfavorable response from her, but it seems like no one knows how they'll feel or what they'll think until the cold response happens. It is scary as a dumpee, I think, to risk putting your heart out on the line again considering the break up was wrenching in itself already and end up looking like the "desperate ex" that can't move on. But since you have the daring and the fortitude to make that risk, I wish you the best of luck and that you'll be a success story. You'll have to be vigilant throughout the process and this push/pull itself sounds exhausting. It's no wonder not many people want to undertake it because it's hard to reach that detached level of "I don't care if he/she responds to my call/text/email/etc." that many advocate to possess.

 

This... this will be interesting. Keep us posted, ok? I do wish you the best of luck and just out of curiosity, which forums have you perused?

[Erwin2475]

I guess my thinking is just that many folks talk about going NC until you simply don't care if she comes back anymore because you're so far ahead being your own 'man', hence there's no or very little risk. I kinda feel that's paradoxical. If I do reach thats stage, I don't think I'll even bother to call her anymore, especially if it's just to be a friend. At any stage, if I reconnect, of course there will be expectations and each person just have to deal with the outcome in his/her own way.

 

I'm also thinking this way because it's long distance. I honestly don't expect that she'll move or change her decision. That's just wishful thinking. So I'm just gonna try to reestablish connection (through MSN etc.), and try to work towards the kind of dynamics we had when we first started out (which was on MSN, for several months).

 

I think in my case there's no other way aside from moving into the friend zone. It's LDR. I can even assume she has no special feelings for me anymore. If through this, I can slowly bring her emotionally closer to me (which was how i got her attracted), then it's a start and we'll see how things go. Like I said, I don't expect her to change her mind, come back to me, or move to where I am at all. She's 1500 miles away. But I do expect her, if this works, to realize that she still has a special bond with me.

 

If she's uncomfortable or feel this is intruding into her new romantic life or etc, I'll back off and that really could mean the end for me, as far as trying goes.

 

I really don't expect an unfavorable response form her. It's more about dealing with moments when she talks about her love life. But just as I did before, I'll have to position myself as the male confidante that hopefully her bf couldn't always be. It's clearly the friend zone, but it's also the surest way of drawing her closer emotionally. And I know her well, and what makes her tick. And we've got a good r'ship history.

 

So much for theory. I'll post updates here as I go along. One pretty good forum I've used is lovingfromadistance.com.

[Erwin2475]

Well just when I decided to second a second NC letter instead of calling her out of the blue (figured that wouldn't be a bad idea since she's got a bf now)...she MSN'd me today.

 

I made a donation to her charity last week and she basically MSN's me to thank me. It was a soft contact on my part sure, but at least it got her notice and she contacted me for the first time in 2 months.

 

The tone was very casual and friendly. We updated each other about our work, life in general and the dog that we adopted (whom I rehomed after my ex left the country because I couldn't take care if him by myself). She was driving most of the convo, and asked me first how I've been, and we had a good chat.

 

I then exited myself before the convo got too long, and said it was nice to hear from her again and asked her to call me if she ever wants to chat. that's it.

 

So it seems that we've established a bit. No talk on bf, the old r'ship (even though we talked about the dog). Just tow people catching up. Not awkward at all. And I got out first.

 

Feel a bit of pressure lifted. Now I'm gonna sit back and see if she'll contact again by herself. Right now I feel I can keep my emotions under control and be cool, calm and collected. We started off talking on MSN for a long time and that was how she got attracted to me. I'll see where this can potentially go, but taking my time.

[KathyM]

I think it's really hard to make a relationship work when the couple are each from a different country. One of the couple has to give up their home, their family, and their country in order to make a relationship work in a foreign place with their partner. It often doesn't work out. My husband is from another country. I'm an American. All of his family live overseas. We have cultural differences that make our marriage more of a challenge, but we've managed to keep it together long term. Most of our friends and family who have married a foreigner have not been so lucky. They had a hard time agreeing on which country to live in, and most of them are now divorced because of that. Many of them became homesick later on and insisted on moving back to their home country. It's very hard to give up your family and your home country, no matter how much you love the person.

[Erwin2475]

It is hard, no question about that. Especially for one who is relatively young and still learning about relationships, which was the case with my ex. I thought a lot about it, and in the and I accepted it - that the move was too huge and she freaked out when it finally came, even though she might have been excited about it before. But if fate deals you a card like that, it's really a question of how prepared are you to make an effort, and how much faith you've got to see it through. It helps of course if the love i genuine and strong, and you know that your partner can provide most of what you need emotionally. In the end, while they might be far away, your family and close friends will always be there for you. But if you choose to forgo your SO, he or she could be gone forever.

[KathyM]

It is hard, no question about that. Especially for one who is relatively young and still learning about relationships, which was the case with my ex. I thought a lot about it, and in the and I accepted it - that the move was too huge and she freaked out when it finally came, even though she might have been excited about it before. But if fate deals you a card like that, it's really a question of how prepared are you to make an effort, and how much faith you've got to see it through. It helps of course if the love i genuine and strong, and you know that your partner can provide most of what you need emotionally. In the end, while they might be far away, your family and close friends will always be there for you. But if you choose to forgo your SO, he or she could be gone forever.

It's very hard to make that choice. Choosing between family and a SO. They are not only giving up their family, but their home country. We go to see my husband's relatives every five years or so, and we manage to make it work, but my husband is a very independent person, so he was able to make the adjustment. Most people have a very hard time of it. Most of our friends have gone back to their home country.

[LickABattery]

I feel for you, im not in that situation yet so i have no idea how it feels.

 

If had to choose either my Home Country or my SO, Id choose my SO and i wouldn't regret it cause i know id be happy with her.

 

From what i've read what she did was pretty bad in my own opinion, telling you she wasn't coming back and then finding out she had a new guy in her life like 3 weeks later? Thats not right, i think honestly she should of tried to make it work and you possibly went over to see her?

 

I hope everything goes alright for you!

[Erwin2475]

An update…

 

So a couple of weeks back She contacted me on MSN to thank me for an online donation I made to her charity. Some unexpected cash came my way so I thought I'd donate it. Sure, I suppose I was making soft contact, but I also thought the money would be put to good use, whether she responds or not. At this time emotionally I was O-K.

 

So we had a good 20 min chat on MSN. Kept it friendly, cordial. Caught up a bit. I was calm and cool.

 

A week later (now that I've kinda broken NC), I called her. Got the voicemail and left a message. She did not call back.

 

Next day I texted her and she said she got the message but was too busy. We chatted a bit. She said she's very glad that we can talk again (to me this means that she was never going to contact me if I kept NC).

 

Next day I texted her again, and suggested we do a proper catch up on MSN one of these days. That was yesterday (Monday). It didn't go very well as in we didn't chat much. She was very stressed out about a work situation which clearly affected her mood, and she started by complaining about it. I think she's really upset by the situation. I gave her support but not too much. She then asked how I was, which I told her a little bit on what's been happening.

 

She was clearly busy or occupied because her replies too quite long to come. But this was normal even during our LDR. She's always doing something else.

 

The she asked me: "how come ur ok with talking to me now?" (I guess during NC she thought that I just don't wish to talk to her anymore. Deleted her from Facebook etc.)

 

I basically said something like I needed the time and space to heal…to think, and to grow.

 

She did not reply for an hour (I presume she had to leave her comp). So I said let's just chat another time when she's less busy, and logged off.

 

No word from her all day, even though I see her online. I'm not contacting her again until she does (at least I'm gonna try).

 

So - her interest really doesn't seem to be there, although she's happy to be on 'talking terms'. I'm aware sometimes it's easy to read too much into MSN chat, because we don't know what's happening. The work situation is very distressing to her, clearly. Her tonme was much lighter when she contacted me to thank me for donation. But I'm disappointed that despite me reaching out, and just keeping the convo friendly like old friends catching up, she did not seem to care much or give it any due attention - especially after asking me why I'm talking to her again, after going NC for 2 months.

 

So - can't say there's been much progress. Honestly, I only wish to reconnect again as friends, and not bring up the past unless she asks. But right now it really seems that she's not quite the same person or friend I knew…but - I don't know any better what's happening at her end, which is 1000 miles away.

 

Btw I'm surprised this thread is getting so many views. Thanks guys and I really hope to get your thoughts.

[KathyM]

An update…

 

So a couple of weeks back She contacted me on MSN to thank me for an online donation I made to her charity. Some unexpected cash came my way so I thought I'd donate it. Sure, I suppose I was making soft contact, but I also thought the money would be put to good use, whether she responds or not. At this time emotionally I was O-K.

 

So we had a good 20 min chat on MSN. Kept it friendly, cordial. Caught up a bit. I was calm and cool.

 

A week later (now that I've kinda broken NC), I called her. Got the voicemail and left a message. She did not call back.

 

Next day I texted her and she said she got the message but was too busy. We chatted a bit. She said she's very glad that we can talk again (to me this means that she was never going to contact me if I kept NC).

 

Next day I texted her again, and suggested we do a proper catch up on MSN one of these days. That was yesterday (Monday). It didn't go very well as in we didn't chat much. She was very stressed out about a work situation which clearly affected her mood, and she started by complaining about it. I think she's really upset by the situation. I gave her support but not too much. She then asked how I was, which I told her a little bit on what's been happening.

 

She was clearly busy or occupied because her replies too quite long to come. But this was normal even during our LDR. She's always doing something else.

 

The she asked me: "how come ur ok with talking to me now?" (I guess during NC she thought that I just don't wish to talk to her anymore. Deleted her from Facebook etc.)

 

I basically said something like I needed the time and space to heal…to think, and to grow.

 

She did not reply for an hour (I presume she had to leave her comp). So I said let's just chat another time when she's less busy, and logged off.

 

No word from her all day, even though I see her online. I'm not contacting her again until she does (at least I'm gonna try).

 

So - her interest really doesn't seem to be there, although she's happy to be on 'talking terms'. I'm aware sometimes it's easy to read too much into MSN chat, because we don't know what's happening. The work situation is very distressing to her, clearly. Her tonme was much lighter when she contacted me to thank me for donation. But I'm disappointed that despite me reaching out, and just keeping the convo friendly like old friends catching up, she did not seem to care much or give it any due attention - especially after asking me why I'm talking to her again, after going NC for 2 months.

 

So - can't say there's been much progress. Honestly, I only wish to reconnect again as friends, and not bring up the past unless she asks. But right now it really seems that she's not quite the same person or friend I knew…but - I don't know any better what's happening at her end, which is 1000 miles away.

 

Btw I'm surprised this thread is getting so many views. Thanks guys and I really hope to get your thoughts.

She probably doesn't want you to get your hopes up, and that is why she's keeping her communication with you low key. I don't really see it working out for you with her. She's decided to stay in her home country and has built her life there, and seems to have a bf over there. I would suggest you not hold out hope for getting back together, and move on to find someone you can actually have a relationship with.

[Erwin2475]

It's painfully obvious, isn't it?

 

Perhaps my hopes would be up if she talked to me more. I tell myself I'm not trying to get her back or change her mind, and even if she says she's gonna move here tomorrow I'd still say no. The old r'ship is dead, that much I'm clear.

 

I miss her presence in my life, even if it's a presence of her that has a boyfriend; even if it's a presence that gives me less privileges. It sounds like I'm putting her back up on the pedestal, but - and I thought this through a lot - I really just like to be friends again.

 

We're an ocean apart. I know nothing is going to come out of it in the short to mid-term, and I don't look so far as long term. I guess I wish I matter to her again, and not have her ignore me because she's afraid to revisit the past or get my hopes up or whatever.

 

I think of her a lot still, so clearly I've still got work to do. But I feel I'm at a turning point - not expecting any turnaround in the situation but simply looking to move on, be at peace and look forward to tomorrow a bit more.

[SillyS]

The whole moving thing was also a huge issue in my relationship. I suggested when we first started talking that perhaps in the future he should consider moving there, since I already committed myself to law school in the Netherlands. But last time he moved from Nova Scotia to British Columbia his health took a turn for the worst, and I understood that if he were ever to move again that he would be afraid for his health (diabetes). Anyway, he said it wasn't a problem and that he would do everything in his power to move to me, but when time started flying he had done none of the things required to make this happen. For me, it didn't matter one bit if he did or did not but the fact that he simply couldn't tell me that he wasn't planning on moving and made me feel that he did want to did obviously.

 

Its a huge commitment. Its understandable why partners are afraid to make this leap, moving is stressful and then this will initially at least affect your relationship as well because your partner has no one but you until they settle down in this place. The fact that he ended up telling me a year and some later that he made the decision for himself to not move wasn't hurtful, but why wasn't this something we could solve together or was told to me earlier than a year. When we broke up he accused me of guilting him a lot, but for me I never demanded anything from him except to either do what he says or share his wants and desires in life. I thought I was motivating him or steering him to this direction, but that's impossible when someone has made up their mind and is simply not telling the other person about it.

 

I keep beating myself up over it, how could everything have gotten so messed up and why did I so strongly feel that this would be my life partner. He let go of me rather quickly, and went as far as to say that he has no interest of talking to me, and that he will never consider being with me again. So I have zero hope of thinking things would work out for us in the future, as he told me not to hope for that. I just feel cheated, if he or any other LD partner was honest about this issue then how would the reaction have been? I never got the chance to hear up front how he felt about things, he just always told me everything he wanted lined up with mine...till 3 weeks ago when they really didn't and they never really did. I'm just very confused/heartbroken and I'm sure he's golfing and having a wonderful time in Nova Scotia.

[Erwin2475]

Been a couple of weeks, so thought I'll give an update on my story / situation.

 

As I've posted, I broke NC with my ex after 2 months (sort of - I made an online donation to her charity, and a few days later she contacted me on MSN - first time in 2 months - and we chatted friendly for a bit).

 

Over the next couple of weeks, our interaction grew bit by bit. It's all me initiating the contact so far. Initially she seemed a little surprised tat suddenly I was trying to be in touch so much, even though she's glad that we can talk again, and in fact she asked me why's that. I basically I said I needed the time and space to heal and grow from this.

 

Recently, I think she ended things with her boyfriend (whom she started seeing a few weeks after we broke up). I said I think because there's no confirmation, but one night (while a bit drunk) I went to her profile and didn't see the boyfriend on the friend list on the left. I took a dive and went to his profile, and saw that he's removed his r'ship status (with my ex), and I also couldn't find her on his friends list anymore. Her status was never changed even after they started dating. Only he changed his status. So I can only assume he deleted her after the split. IKnowing her and her history, I think she broke up with him. So it does seem like it was a rebound. Anyway, I don't know for sure and even if it's true I don't know if she's dating.

 

But she's been very busy with work and still going out with her friends and twin sister whom she lives with.

 

Last week, I did a rather stupid thing by sending her a handwritten letter (scanned then emailed), basically telling her why I went NC, why I got back in touch, that things are fine and I'm happy she's doing great, plus some updates on what's happening in my life. Basically let her know where I stand and that I'm glad despite us living separate lives, we are talking again and can continue to share what we are prepared to share, and have some kind of presence in each other's lives. I also told her...that I miss my best friend. That's why I'm back in touch. I miss her presence in my life.

 

She received the letter and a few days ago replied me by saying she got it and sorry that she hasn't had time to respond. I'm waiting to see if she does at all. I'm hoping she shares a bit about where she stands and her emotional state, and how she feels about what I said about me missing her. She's not a very communicative nor hyper sensitive person by nature (I am), so I'm not hoping for much. But some indication would be good.

 

At least she didn't seem freaked out by the letter (I wrote many letters to her while we were in LDR. They tend to work well). In fact it seems like she's gotten friendlier and more relaxed. Our last couple of chats have gone well and I even made her laugh. Last night we logged on almost at the same time around midnight and chatted for a good 45 min - longest we've chatted since NC. It was comfortable, friendly and got some of the old vibe back. She sent me some of her graphic work stuff for my opinions (which she did a lot when we were together, because I sort of started her on graphics).

 

So I really don't know if the letter helped but I guess it'll still depend on if and how she responds to it and share some of her thoughts. But over a few weeks of semi-regular contact, it feels that we're talking a bit more and openly. No mention of the past or bf. It really takes time and patience, and managing one's expectations properly. In fact it's best not to expect. At this point, I don't really see us being together again (and frankly I don't know if we're best for each other), but I'm happy to stay in touch and build on what we have to start possibly a new friendship (sort of) and see where it goes. So many things and circumstances have to change for us to be good together, I feel. There's no point hoping for al that right now. Meantime, I'm trying to go out more and date as well.

 

The main thing that will continue to hurt me are expectations. I've accepted that it's over and I don't even think my ex right now as she is is the best woman for me. But I still feel attached. She's still a bit like a drug - I get a bit of her and I feel better for a day or two. It's letting go off the attachment, or at least controlling it that is key. So much have to change for us to work, and for the most part I feel it's her and her circumstances. Largely things I don't have control over, so better just let it be. We started off as lovers after talking on MSN for many months, so I'll see where we go from here.

 

What I'll say to the guys is that don't go NC forever waiting for your ex to reach. And this could be different depending on if you're a man or woman. Waiting is the pain. Take NC to heal as much as you can, then when you're quite strong enough, contact him / her if you feel you want to, but don't expect much and be patient. If the response is friendly, you're already at a good place to take baby steps forward. In the end you have to trust your guy because you know your situation and your ex the best. Take the genuine and good advice from the forum, but don't rely on them too much especially for specific situations. Decide for yourself what's best for you and your situation

[0hpenelope]

That's so awesome, Erwin. It sounds like things are working out well for you and it's great that she's receptive to your contact. I can't really say the same for my ex, since post-break up his actions showed me he just wants to be as far away as possible from me. So initiating contact with him is definitely off the table. I don't think I'll be able to handle finding out he has someone new as well as you did. I can handle it fine in front of others, but not in front of him.

 

I'm so happy to see it worked out for you in some way! Good luck & keep us posted please.

[Erwin2475]

When I found out she was seeing someone weeks after we split, believe me - it was worst then the breakup itself. I don't have to more. A lot of us here know how it feels.

 

Truth is, we're talking but that's about it. She talks to many people, and she's been friendly and nothing more. She doesn't give anything away. I'm always the one contacting her. And she doesn't ask a whole lot if anything about my work and life in general. So while she seems happy to talk, her focus is elsewhere (her work mostly) or at least not on me at all right now. But she's been responding and friendly so I can't ask for much more than that for now.

 

the hard part is pulling back and not contacting her too much, which I don't always succeed - and that is important otherwise invariable it's going to make me look bad and needy and possibly turn her away.

 

Many times I wonder if it's better for me to just let go. The more I talk to her, the more I lament this lost love, and the less healed I get. I do this and whatever happens to me, I deserve it. The future is unclear. So many things need to change for us to have a chance to be back together again. I don't even know how she feels about me now, except she's willing to be friendly. That's what I want to know. If at some point she tells me she's sure we can't be together again, then I will likely walk away. I suppose that's closure...

 

Meantime, I still don't know what tomorrow will bring - joy or heartache or hope or despair or delusion.