Showing initiative? Does he love me?

[chanya_chip]

I'm 27 years old, i've been in a LDR for roughly two months now. We IM several hours daily and talk on the phone pretty much every day. Things have moved fast. After being just acquaintances with a common online hobby (writing) for a couple years, things recently became more serious. I confessed my feelings, he confessed his, we confessed our love for each other both on IM and on the phone and I will be going to see him in person for the first time this coming week. Because of the speed with which it unfolded and the fact that we don't want to juts hang on not knowing each other we decided to meet as soon as we could.

 

Since we seem to talk so openly on things, i'm not sure where the trouble is coming in. I just get this nagging feeling some times (ok, a lot of the time) that he isn't as gung ho on this as I am. His birthday came recently and i wanted to mail him a litte gift, but he said no no, that's okay, you don't have to send me anything. so i didn't, i just gave him an e-card. He sent me an e card back a couple days later saying thanks.

 

He has told me he is awkward in relationships and has trouble talking about his feelings, well i told him that's fine and just take his time and that he has nothing to fear (after all we professed our love for each other, that seemed pretty open to me). Since this whole thing began, we have grown closer, he hasn't pulled away or anything, if anything he spends more of his free time than he used to, talking/IMing to me. We love to talk together.

 

He's never asked me my address to send me anything, i'm not worried about that since we -have- never met face to face before, so maybe he's just holding back till we do? Either way, i'm always the one sending him the e cards and stuff, although he does reciprocate. I first proposed making the trp down to him too, and i was going to pay everytihng until i suggested it might be fair if we split it 50-50 ( i wasn't sure, but my mom had told me it seemed really one sided and i agreed) and after that he was fine aiwht getting me a hotel... he ran around town to town till he found me a good safe one.

 

Last night he got my halloween e-card (i'd snt it to him that day while he was at work) but when he tried to send one back his account was messed up by the server, he was telling me something was wrong (he's been hacked before, so he's cautious), i was like trying to troubleshoot with him, we finally concluded the place was having technical difficulties and i said it's fine, not to worry about the surprise being ruined, it's the thought that counts, i casually told him that what i always do for him is just poke around on lots of sites (thought it was a no brainer but he has told me he can be real dense about relationship stuff and frankly, he can be), he was doing that, but in the end no e card back. I know it's just a silly little thing but why do i worry so much?

 

A little background info: I was strung along on a relationship for over a year, several years ago by a guy that basically didn't love me back like he said...we were more like **** buddies with me doing all the work to keep us together, i was practically dating his parents, moreover (they clearly loved me to death and wanted to marry their son off on me).

 

He recently (back in early august) broke up with his GF of two years when she cheated on him. So i take into account he has trust issues going and he has told me that it is part of why he feels a bit fearful.

 

i want to know that i'm not getting into something where i end up pulling his weight as well as my own in this relationship. We get along so well on so many ways, we have the same sorts of views and interests in common and understand each other quite well for just knowing each other online. It's just that i've brought this up before. He tells me that he's trying and will continue to try. should i bring it up again telling him not to just try, but just do it?) or wait till we really meet and know for sure? i don't want to go into this vacation dragging bad feelings into it especially since we have so many fun things planned. what should i expect from him when i meet him? am i worrying too much that i have to poke and prod him like how i described above? My biggest fear is that the problems i feel are there now before we meet will not change once we do meet. I'm investing time and money into this as well as my emotions. i have a lot riding on this and on him.

[Yaky]

Now that......is a post....

[chanya_chip]

I tried to be as detailed as possible so the peeps here could give me their opinion. i care deeply about this man in my life, about our relationship and about my future.

 

Oh and i won't be here after tonight, not for another week.

[chanya_chip]

Is there some secret thing that i had to do (and failed to do) in order to get a reply with some substance--like, advice on what i should do here? After all it's been like, a month and I've gotten no response to this thing. I have watched just about everyone else on here who posed a question get a rather prompt answer. I check daily and still nothing.

 

My situation hasn't changed. After coming back from my vacation in which i went to see him, I was all psyched that he would surely be bursting to come up and see me in a week. Well, it turned out to be me who did all the research on how to book tickets online, he never showed any initiative in doing so although he instant messages me every day, and calls me just about every day too (although he forgot a few times). He tells me he loves me--well, when i bring it up. I love him so much, i make sure to let him know too, in every reasonable way I can--i give him love letters sometimes, i reassure him and comfort him when he's having a hard day or any hard situation, i tell him he's handsome, which he really is to me (he had initially been shy about giving me his picture back when we first became serious, saying he was 'plain looking') give him e-cards (and bought him a gift when i was on vacation). I try to do everything, but he has never really told me I'm beautiful. He has never given me flowers, etc. and i wonder maybe that's too much to ask, since I really am a homely girl (not kidding). He never just comes out and tells me he loves me and he seems not to even care about planning a trip up to see me although he tells me he misses me (when i tell him i miss him) and wants to come up to see me. I feel like I'm the one doing almost everything in this. I don't understand why he tells me he loves me, even though he talks to me every day and has confessed deep dark secrets to me. Maybe i really don't understand him. Should i ask him? I've done this before, I've told him I'm concerned about whether he really is serious about me and I've told him he is number one in my life, which he is. If it turns out that he is not going to do more on his own initiative, it will mean he has been lying to me, because he told me that he loved me, when i told him i loved him, and he has said that he is taking this seriously. Maybe i just worry too much, or maybe I am expecting too much from him. He treated me well on our vacation, paying for my meals and movies and holding the door for me and holding my hand and generally making me feel loved in those ways. I feel like something is missing. (maybe it's my brain?)

 

Oh, a final question. What exactly do I do in order to get people to give me advice on all of this?

 

p.s. just remembered this too and am adding it in...We've been serious since the beginning of October, and even though i spent a whole week with him and we've kept in contact well he doesn't even know my real address. He's never asked for it. I have fantasies of him ordering me flowers...nothing that fancy even, just something to cheer me up cause there have sure been days i needed cheering up. I think maybe that's just something old fashioned that I'm being greedy to want.

[karlakin]

Hey girl-want some advice? Aquire some self-esteem and fast! Why waste your time with someone who does everything half ass? I don't understand girls like you who make excuses for the men that they are with-and question their motives, when it is written on the wall right in front of you.

 

Anyway, if you feel he should have asked for your address already, you are probably right;I'll tell you right now-If he really liked you, he would have already. And if you feel a man should be sweet and surprise you with flowers sometimes, then you should be with a man who does that-you know, there are men out there that do sweet things like that all the time, although, you won't find him if your wasting your time with this thoughtless prick.

 

If he only tells you he misses or loves you when you say it first, something is wrong there. I think the only reason no one has replied to your posting is because they probably think your a lost cause, and why should they waste their time-but I feel bad for women like you, and feel you just need a good slap in the face-to realize how ignorant your acting. Oh, and another thing, don't ever say, or think, that you are homely looking again; that is the worst thing you can do. If you feel youve got something, men will think you do. If you feel you are ugly, or say it, people will think you are. Low self-esteem is the least attractive trait a person can have-you mine as well just dig a hole and bury yourself in it already if this is how you feel about yourself. Love yourself 1st, and then everything will fall in place from there.

[chanya_chip]

Thanks for the response. Well, as it turns out now, he's now planning a trip to come up and see me in January, and he's doing it on his own. he still calls me every day, often from work, and IMs me when I'm at work. It turns out that money and the job have made his coming up here before January an impossibility, so he's planning on seeing me early in January. We will see how it goes, and in the meantime I'm trying to get my life together.

[Arabess]

Chanya,

I've had quite a few great dates from guys I met online...as well as a relationship which lasted for 2 years. So, I'm not belittling internet based relationship what-so-ever. I do think it's important to meet as often as possible and YES exchanging home addresses is the norm. When someone is uncomfortable doing this, the first thing I would be thinking is that he is possibly married or has a live-in girlfriend. This could also be why he was hesitant to send a picture and doesn't have the freedom to spend money on you. I'm NOT saying this is the case with him...I just think it's a possibility you need to explore.

 

Also, people get involved in internet relationships for any variety of reasons. Sometimes it's valid reasons. Then there are times when people use it to meet emotional needs (or phone or cyber sex) to avoid a REAL committment. It costs them little to fill a void in their life. They don't WANT anything beyond what they have going on the net.

 

This guy may actually just be more reserved, and perhaps a little frugal.....however, if I were you, I'd do a little investigating. Not because you don't trust him or are invading his privacy....but before you get any deeper involved....you need some answers as to who this person really is AWAY from the computer.

 

Arabess

[jenny]

i second arabess.

 

there are all kinds of warning lights going off here - your neediness, his sporadic intensity, the amount of internet time versus real time - please be careful.

 

based on the information you have supplied, i also would immediately assume a. another woman b. simple messing around on the internet or c. too scared to have real intimacy. all three are motivated by insecurity but all three are also predatory.

 

romance doesn't always look like we want it too, as well. not all guys were trained with the same set of romantic values: i.e. compliments of beauty + flowers + i love you = meaning.

 

because you are expecting these things, i'm a bit worried that you may be entering this relationship with naive chivalry expectations when it might be wiser to employ caveat emptor on any cyber guys.

 

please don't get me wrong - i think it's beautiful that you want to love and be loved so much. and you clearly have high demands from people's responses. i'm just worried that this is going to crash hard.

[moimeme]

I think the only reason no one has replied to your posting is because they probably think your a lost cause, and why should they waste their time

 

Far more likely that your posts get lost in the flurry of posting that has been going on in the last few weeks.

 

I find it very interesting that you didn't describe how it was when you were together in 3D. Were you comfortable with him? Was he attentive? Did you visit his home? If he didn't even invite you in for coffee after being with you for several days, you might have cause to wonder about him, though I doubt anybody could hide an affair if they were IMing and phoning for several hours each day.

 

As for not asking for your address, it could be that he's aware that women feel they need to be especially cautious in taking up with fellows over the internet and doesn't want to scare you by asking. Have you ever offered to give it to him?

 

It could be that he's real bad at relationships. The lack of reciprocity in so many areas isn't a real good sign. It might be fixable (he might actually be clueless) or he could be one of those self-involved people who never thinks about making sure that the relationship is balanced. If that's the case, would you really want to deal with someone like that long-term?

 

It's good that he's coming to see you. Use your time together to really examine critically whether you do all the work or whether he thinks to do anything for you spontaneously (instead of a reaction to something you've done).

 

People can live with self-involved people, but it's not very fulfilling.

[chanya_chip]

Thanks guys for all the advice. Well, you're right, I didn't detail how the vacation was. It was wonderful. He drove me everywhere, we cruised around all over and he paid for my meals (most of them inexpensive, but i didn't care, and he is low on cash so i understood quite well--it drained his bank account booking me at that hotel and all) and movie tickets, and yes he took me to see his family. They seemed a little less than thrilled to meet me, and he was in turn rather uncomfy with it as he told me he had not expected a less-than-warm welcome. He talked things over with his folks and told me that they seem fine with things, although he told me he will be staying in this relationship regardless.

 

We parted in an emotional goodbye at the airport, and we're now focusing on him coming up to see me in January. He is definitely flower challenged, but we hit it off so well down there where he is that it was unbelievable. i have had serious talks with him on the subject of whether he feels for me the way i do for him. He reassures me he does, and that he has trouble coming out and saying it and that just because he can't always say it doesn't mean it is not there.

 

So for now I'm just sitting back and enjoying phone calls, IMs, whatever else he spends with me, while the holidays roll around.