Doubts about LDR

[HeavenOrHell]

It's getting to me that I'm much more forthcoming than him, so it feels like I care more about us and our future. We had a heavy talk about our future today, I get upset as he's only initiated talking about it once, and that was early in our r/ship and I said it was too early to talk about it, he was persistent, after a few months I thought yes it would be great to live closer in 2 years time. Since that first time he has never mentioned it, so it makes me wonder if he's changed his mind, one time I mentioned it he said we don't need to talk about it endlessly. If I talk about it it feels like I'm pressuring him, he feels like I'm pushing him into a corner to get a date he'll move, but it's not like that, I just want a *rough* time scale, as the 2 years never seems to go down, ie it's always 2 years, in 5 years time it feels like it will be still be 'in 2 years'. He gets annoyed as he says it's like I won't believe he loves me until he moves here, that's not true, I just want him to talk about it sometimes, like it's a thing to look forward to and not something he feels pressured and anxious about. Fair enough he has anxieties about moving, I've said I'll help all I can, which he appreciated.

I envy couples who talk excitedly about their future. He doesn't talk about it, so he makes it feel like we don't have one.

He says I'm right he should talk more about it, but not as a way of proving his love to me, which is fair enough.

I don't want to still be missing him in 5 years time. I'd rather be free to meet someone in my country.

Makes me feel like I'm being really needy, cos he says I seem to find this LDR harder then he does, I feel weak for missing him, he doesn't make me feel like I'm weak but it's like he worries I can't handle being in an LDR when I feel down about missing him. I suffer with depression anyway, which doesn't help. He says he doesn't think about the future as much as I do, but that he does want to live closer but he can't put a time scale on it. So I take that to mean it's still 2 years or more, even though 9 months ago he was saying wants to live closer within 2 years. I don't know why he isn't able to put a time scale on it as there's nothing major holding him there.

I'm just feeling like what's the point in all this, if he's not as keen as me, I don't want to be feeling like I'm needy, I'd rather have someone who seems to want/need me equally and who talks with excitement about the future.

This is the opposite to my last r/ship which lasted 18 years, he didn't feel needed or loved enough by me the last few years as I wasn't focussed on us but on work, I gave up a lot for him, now I feel I'm too focussed on my current partner and I hate it.

It's got to the point I feel I can't tell him I miss him as he'll take that as a bad sign/negative. Maybe I want him more than he wants me, I don't know. These are things which never entered my head in any local r/ship I was in.

I have doubts whether I can cope with an LDR with someone who isn't forthcoming with his feelings, he said he needs to be more forthcoming and that he'll try.

Sometimes I wish I could walk away, but I love him too much.

I never had insecurities or doubts in my last r/ship, this LDR stuff does my head in, it makes me over think, analyse everything, my ex leaving me has added to my insecurity. I don't act massively insecurely with my partner though, it's normal to miss them surely and to want to talk about the future sometimes, is that such a crime?

I feel unsettled and just wanna cry.

Edited January 8, 2011 by HeavenOrHell

[folieadeux]

I'm so sorry to read this hun, I really am.

 

I don't mean to trivialize what you're going through, but perhaps your feelings are being magnified by the fact that you just returned from a great visit with your partner. I know personally I'm coming off of that "high" of my boyfriend being here and slowly getting more sad and anxious until we are able to see each other again. What you're going through is totally normal; you are not weak at all. Missing him and wanting an end in sight is perfectly understandable...but if you're worried about him maybe not having the same timeframe as you as far as your future is concerned, then that's a whole different issue. This can happen in any relationship, long distance or not. Some people, regardless of gender, are ready for the next step (whatever that may be) sooner than their partners or not at all.

 

I think it's rather common for men to shy away from talking about the future as much as their girlfriends. Again, I hate to stereotype, but that's just been my experience. The women usually are the ones that are more comfortable talking about the future and usually need more reassurance coping with the distance too. I can use my relationship as a prime example of that. But I in no way think my boyfriend thinks any less of me or our relationship; we just deal with things differently. I think maybe that's how your partner is seeing things too. He's quite happy talking about the future once in awhile whereas you need more reassurance and a general idea of when the distance will be resolved. No one can blame you for that at all...they're all very valid concerns.

 

Some of the things in your past as well as his may be affecting how things are developing now too. Maybe he feels reluctant to share his thoughts for the future again because you felt he brought them up too early previously. Perhaps he's scared of being rejected. (I'm just throwing out ideas here; you would definitely know alot better than me).

 

I do think it's a good sign that he recognizes your feelings and is willing to work with you on making things better. We have a similar time frame with our visits so I know you'll be seeing him again soon. Maybe you can use this time to address everything in person once and for all. I find talking about serious issues like this in person trumps every other type of communication.

 

I'm not sure if you've posted this elsewhere, but do you have an idea of who will be doing the relocating yet at least? It sounds like it will be him. If this is the case, maybe he just honestly does not know when and how the move to your country will go now that more time has passed.

 

I don't think this is a case of you wanting things more; it just seems like you two have different relationship styles if you will...but that can be fixed if you're both willing to do the work, which it sounds like you are.

[Romance]

I know how you are feeling, I have a lot harder time with the distance than my boyfriend because he is the 'busy' one in our relationship. He's older than me and has a 9-5 job, classes, a lottt of friends, etc.

 

So I guess that's why.

 

 

I made a thread today about me moving there and him saying he needed to think about it and not saying "YES!!!" It really hurt me. I feel like Id do anything to be near him..and he wouldnt

[HeavenOrHell]

Many thanks for your reply, you give lots of good advice/suggestions as usual

I wasn't sure he'd even want to talk to me today, but he was on skype when I got back from work so I said hi, and he apologised for screwing up, and I said it's ok, that I'm not perfect either, that I think it's miscommunication sometimes. We had a nice chat and later on without me even mentioning it he said that he's sorry he doesn't talk about it but he does want to try to live closer to me within 2 years and has no intention of living this far apart forever

He knows he needs to open up more, so that I'm not guessing things.

I also feel I want to focus more on things outside of us, which would be healthy all around. Also need to work on the insecurity I have from my ex leaving, so it doesn't come between me and my partner.

So I feel more positive about things.

I sometimes assume he thinks I'm not being very strong when I say I'm finding it hard or missing him cos he worries about it which I take as him thinking I'm weak, but it's just him getting anxious that I can't handle the distance and that I'll want out. He actually thinks I'm a very strong person.

Yes my feelings are probably magnified after having such a lovely time with him, also magnified by being in an LDR generally, also by guessing things as he's not forthcoming (one of the reasons his ex left him).

It would be him doing the moving and I know the thought overwhelms him for various reasons, so him even considering it is amazing, I'm not considering moving there after all, for many reasons it makes more sense for him to move to my part of Europe.

He was going to move to the States from Europe to be with his ex, so it's not like he's tied to where he is or not ever thought of moving before, his job fell through though.

Bottom line is we love each very much and feel we have something special, so I think/hope we will be ok

 

 

I'm so sorry to read this hun, I really am.

 

I don't mean to trivialize what you're going through, but perhaps your feelings are being magnified by the fact that you just returned from a great visit with your partner. I know personally I'm coming off of that "high" of my boyfriend being here and slowly getting more sad and anxious until we are able to see each other again. What you're going through is totally normal; you are not weak at all. Missing him and wanting an end in sight is perfectly understandable...but if you're worried about him maybe not having the same timeframe as you as far as your future is concerned, then that's a whole different issue. This can happen in any relationship, long distance or not. Some people, regardless of gender, are ready for the next step (whatever that may be) sooner than their partners or not at all.

 

I think it's rather common for men to shy away from talking about the future as much as their girlfriends. Again, I hate to stereotype, but that's just been my experience. The women usually are the ones that are more comfortable talking about the future and usually need more reassurance coping with the distance too. I can use my relationship as a prime example of that. But I in no way think my boyfriend thinks any less of me or our relationship; we just deal with things differently. I think maybe that's how your partner is seeing things too. He's quite happy talking about the future once in awhile whereas you need more reassurance and a general idea of when the distance will be resolved. No one can blame you for that at all...they're all very valid concerns.

 

Some of the things in your past as well as his may be affecting how things are developing now too. Maybe he feels reluctant to share his thoughts for the future again because you felt he brought them up too early previously. Perhaps he's scared of being rejected. (I'm just throwing out ideas here; you would definitely know alot better than me).

 

I do think it's a good sign that he recognizes your feelings and is willing to work with you on making things better. We have a similar time frame with our visits so I know you'll be seeing him again soon. Maybe you can use this time to address everything in person once and for all. I find talking about serious issues like this in person trumps every other type of communication.

 

I'm not sure if you've posted this elsewhere, but do you have an idea of who will be doing the relocating yet at least? It sounds like it will be him. If this is the case, maybe he just honestly does not know when and how the move to your country will go now that more time has passed.

 

I don't think this is a case of you wanting things more; it just seems like you two have different relationship styles if you will...but that can be fixed if you're both willing to do the work, which it sounds like you are.

[HeavenOrHell]

I replied on your thread hun

 

 

I know how you are feeling, I have a lot harder time with the distance than my boyfriend because he is the 'busy' one in our relationship. He's older than me and has a 9-5 job, classes, a lottt of friends, etc.

 

So I guess that's why.

 

 

I made a thread today about me moving there and him saying he needed to think about it and not saying "YES!!!" It really hurt me. I feel like Id do anything to be near him..and he wouldnt

[folieadeux]

Many thanks for your reply, you give lots of good advice/suggestions as usual

I wasn't sure he'd even want to talk to me today, but he was on skype when I got back from work so I said hi, and he apologised for screwing up, and I said it's ok, that I'm not perfect either, that I think it's miscommunication sometimes. We had a nice chat and later on without me even mentioning it he said that he's sorry he doesn't talk about it but he does want to try to live closer to me within 2 years and has no intention of living this far apart forever

He knows he needs to open up more, so that I'm not guessing things.

I also feel I want to focus more on things outside of us, which would be healthy all around. Also need to work on the insecurity I have from my ex leaving, so it doesn't come between me and my partner.

So I feel more positive about things.

I sometimes assume he thinks I'm not being very strong when I say I'm finding it hard or missing him cos he worries about it which I take as him thinking I'm weak, but it's just him getting anxious that I can't handle the distance and that I'll want out. He actually thinks I'm a very strong person.

Yes my feelings are probably magnified after having such a lovely time with him, also magnified by being in an LDR generally, also by guessing things as he's not forthcoming (one of the reasons his ex left him).

It would be him doing the moving and I know the thought overwhelms him for various reasons, so him even considering it is amazing, I'm not considering moving there after all, for many reasons it makes more sense for him to move to my part of Europe.

He was going to move to the States from Europe to be with his ex, so it's not like he's tied to where he is or not ever thought of moving before, his job fell through though.

Bottom line is we love each very much and feel we have something special, so I think/hope we will be ok

 

Glad everything worked out! And yes, if he already knows he's the one doing the moving, then that makes sense why he doesn't talk about it as much. He probably figures okay, I know this is a set thing so no need to discuss it all the time, but these men of ours need to know we love hearing about those things.

 

It's a great thing your communication is so good together too; after a really crappy day even talking to my SO just makes me feel better about whatever I was stressing about. I think it's a good sign when you're able to tackle an issue and resolve it together, no matter how big or small.

[folieadeux]

HoH, I hope everything works out for you guys! It seems like you are very happy, you just have a few bumps in the road to get past. But don't we all.

 

Folie, I love your avvie, btw. From this angle he almost looks like a shaggy Harry Potter. Maybe it's the glasses.

 

Thanks so much Lisa! I love the beard-y look and make him keep it.

 

He's originally from Scotland so that's close enough to Harry Potter.

[HeavenOrHell]

I thought what a lovely pic it is too

 

 

Thanks so much Lisa! I love the beard-y look and make him keep it.

 

He's originally from Scotland so that's close enough to Harry Potter.

[HeavenOrHell]

Thank you, sometimes our communication is good, other times it sucks!

Him never talking about the future is the same as a person not telling their partner they're loved, they assume their partner knows, but it would be nice to hear it sometimes! And it's reassuring.

I feel like my feelings have changed a little since that heavy chat we had, when he said he felt pushed into a corner regarding our future, something switched off in me, I felt he didn't feel the same as me, not as enthusiastic, so I've taken a bit of a step back. It made me feel needy, ugh, not something I normally do in a r/ship. I'm focussing on work more and not focussing so much on him/us. I don't feel quite so enthusiastic about going to see him next month either, I mean if he's not showing his enthusiasm about our future anymore then I don't feel it either. Sure he said the other day he'll try to move within 2 years (said that 9 months ago, but it's still 2 years) but it doesn't mean much without enthusiasm. I'm assuming it's just his nerves about moving, I don't know, if not then it's just that he's not that bothered. I'd like some urgency and passion I guess. He is passionate in other ways at least, I'd walk if he wasn't.

 

 

Glad everything worked out! And yes, if he already knows he's the one doing the moving, then that makes sense why he doesn't talk about it as much. He probably figures okay, I know this is a set thing so no need to discuss it all the time, but these men of ours need to know we love hearing about those things.

 

It's a great thing your communication is so good together too; after a really crappy day even talking to my SO just makes me feel better about whatever I was stressing about. I think it's a good sign when you're able to tackle an issue and resolve it together, no matter how big or small.

[HeavenOrHell]

Thank you Feeling a bit deflated, not sure what to think about things tbh.

 

 

HoH, I hope everything works out for you guys! It seems like you are very happy, you just have a few bumps in the road to get past. But don't we all.

 

Folie, I love your avvie, btw. From this angle he almost looks like a shaggy Harry Potter. Maybe it's the glasses.

[folieadeux]

I thought what a lovely pic it is too

 

Thanks!

 

Thank you, sometimes our communication is good, other times it sucks!

Him never talking about the future is the same as a person not telling their partner they're loved, they assume their partner knows, but it would be nice to hear it sometimes! And it's reassuring.

I feel like my feelings have changed a little since that heavy chat we had, when he said he felt pushed into a corner regarding our future, something switched off in me, I felt he didn't feel the same as me, not as enthusiastic, so I've taken a bit of a step back. It made me feel needy, ugh, not something I normally do in a r/ship. I'm focussing on work more and not focussing so much on him/us. I don't feel quite so enthusiastic about going to see him next month either, I mean if he's not showing his enthusiasm about our future anymore then I don't feel it either. Sure he said the other day he'll try to move within 2 years (said that 9 months ago, but it's still 2 years) but it doesn't mean much without enthusiasm. I'm assuming it's just his nerves about moving, I don't know, if not then it's just that he's not that bothered. I'd like some urgency and passion I guess. He is passionate in other ways at least, I'd walk if he wasn't.

 

I can totally see how your feelings have changed, I would be upset too. But I really think, in your case, your SO may very well just be getting nervous about moving now that the time is approaching. I'm a very enthusiastic person, but I try to understand that not everyone shows emotion in the same way I do and that that doesn't mean they care any less than I do. I think when you're together in person next month, you'll be able to maybe get a better handle on how he's really dealing with things.

[HeavenOrHell]

Yes, you're probably right, I think I'm just focussing on the negatives right now, when most of the time I feel really loved and special.

If I really think about it I know he cares as much for me as I do him, also he's shown insecurity at times.

I just hope he won't still be saying 2 years time, in 2 years time.

We won't be talking about it when we meet, still feels taboo, always will I think. I so envy those of you who talk with happiness together about the future.

He'd need to sell his flat before moving over, I doubt he'll even think about that for the next 18 months, unless he rents it out to begin with, not something he's likely to talk to me about.

 

 

 

 

 

I can totally see how your feelings have changed, I would be upset too. But I really think, in your case, your SO may very well just be getting nervous about moving now that the time is approaching. I'm a very enthusiastic person, but I try to understand that not everyone shows emotion in the same way I do and that that doesn't mean they care any less than I do. I think when you're together in person next month, you'll be able to maybe get a better handle on how he's really dealing with things.

[Whatshername]

I dealt with this same issue, I was blamed for "pressuring" him. BUT, he was single for 20 years, while I have been divorced for 5 from a 24 year marriage. He is fine being alone, but I am not extra fond of it, and feeling it more since my youngest went off to college.

 

I want to encourage you, because I seriously doubt anyone could top my ex bf on this issue. It is a bit maddening, especially whenever you know how awesome it is when you are together, how much love there is, and dang it, it is not wrong to want to be together. We always seemed to get on much better though, when the subject was not THE subject of the day. he'd talk intangibly a lot, like we'd go look at refrigerators at Lowe's and we'd oooh and awwww over them, we'd talk about the pros and cons. Same for home styles, living in the country, and so on. It was just absolutes, and the M word that made him back off, and sure enough, I was made to feel like an option. Matter of fact, it became sort of a bad "joke".

 

I do hope, that you have lots to keep you busy, and that your you are able to connect in many ways (email, texting, and the phone). It does get lonely, so be sure to keep doing things you liked before you met.

 

One thing I now regret, it that I was always hesitant to do anything that might mess up our weekend together. I think I ought to have made other plans on occasion, not "so he'd miss me", but just to have a life/more interests outside of our relationship, because loneliness feeds these feeling you have as well.

 

Chin up, it's a new year!

[folieadeux]

Yes, you're probably right, I think I'm just focussing on the negatives right now, when most of the time I feel really loved and special.

If I really think about it I know he cares as much for me as I do him, also he's shown insecurity at times.

I just hope he won't still be saying 2 years time, in 2 years time.

We won't be talking about it when we meet, still feels taboo, always will I think. I so envy those of you who talk with happiness together about the future.

He'd need to sell his flat before moving over, I doubt he'll even think about that for the next 18 months, unless he rents it out to begin with, not something he's likely to talk to me about.

 

You never know, maybe when you meet up he'll be the one to bring it up. My SO and I talk about the future pretty regularly...but the grass isn't always greener trust me. I've actually been trying not to talk about it as much because it honestly gets me even more upset because I'm impatient and it's not happening yesterday.

 

As the time gets closer for him to move, he's going to have to talk to you about the details...maybe not everything word for word...but he'll have to start getting comfortable giving you periodic updates. Better to start now.

[folieadeux]

You know, HoH, if anything from what you have written it seems to me that

1) your boyfriend seems to genuinely love you

2) he is more often than not completely oblivious when he hurts you.

 

Has he been in many relationships before? I find that a lot of times what I consider my SO's apathy is actually him being clueless in that my feelings are hurt. He has a trouble being able to relate to peoples' emotions, and when he does he is unsure of how to react.

 

My SO talk about our move a lot, but the closer we get the antsier I feel. I know we will live together this time next year, but that initial move is so scary!! Still, both of us do take a lot of solitude in talking about our future.

 

 

 

Ahh, there we disagree. I make my SO shave the minute his face starts scratching mine when we kiss.

 

You bring up a very good point Lisa with regards to him maybe not being in many relationships and therefore genuinely not realizing when he's causing hurt. I've noticed my boyfriend has similar tendencies and has outright told me I'm his first real relationship, whereas I'm the more experienced one when it comes to having longterm partners. This can definitely explain alot.

[folieadeux]

Same deal with my boyfriend. The lack of relationship experience often makes him unsure how to progress or what to say when things come up. I have to sometimes remind myself that what I take as apathy may actually just be inexperience. My boyfriend never had to take into account someone's feelings the way he does my own. So when we bicker (usually me unloading on him), he often does not know what to say or how to react.

 

For example, one day I had a meltdown (can't remember what over) and after carrying on for at least an hour over the phone I asked "Could you please come home?". I had been waiting for him to offer. He never did, so I finally just asked. He immediately said he would, and I believe he ran home, because he got back so quickly. When he got home the first thing he said was "I'm sorry I didn't offer to come home, I don't know why I didn't think of it."

 

Now, anyone who's been in a relationship long enough knows if a girl is crying on the phone you come home if at all possible. Unless their naive, like my SO, then you have to give them ques.

 

Totally! Our boyfriends should have a chat.

 

My SO is so much more laid back than I am too. He's the type to book flights a week before and pack the day of...whereas I'll have everything organized for a month in advance. We don't fight at all, but any little bickering that does happen is a direct result of stuff like that. It's not that he doesn't care; he just does things so much more differently than I do and vice versa, so we just have to adapt. To be fair, I oftentimes wonder how he deals with me too.

[HeavenOrHell]

It's amazing that any r/ships between males and females work out at all really when we think about how differently we operate (talking generally, there are exceptions of course)! My partner is more open than some males, so I do give him credit for that

He's only had one r/ship, so yes he's inexperienced and naive in many ways, he is very thoughtful though, but yes it's like I have to practically spell things out sometimes.

I do read too much into things, because he's not forthcoming, I need to try to stop doing this, he also said he will try to be more forthcoming.

 

Same deal with my boyfriend. The lack of relationship experience often makes him unsure how to progress or what to say when things come up. I have to sometimes remind myself that what I take as apathy may actually just be inexperience. My boyfriend never had to take into account someone's feelings the way he does my own. So when we bicker (usually me unloading on him), he often does not know what to say or how to react.

 

For example, one day I had a meltdown (can't remember what over) and after carrying on for at least an hour over the phone I asked "Could you please come home?". I had been waiting for him to offer. He never did, so I finally just asked. He immediately said he would, and I believe he ran home, because he got back so quickly. When he got home the first thing he said was "I'm sorry I didn't offer to come home, I don't know why I didn't think of it."

 

Now, anyone who's been in a relationship long enough knows if a girl is crying on the phone you come home if at all possible. Unless their naive, like my SO, then you have to give them ques.

[HeavenOrHell]

I'm not sure I'd say my partner is laid back as he does get anxious about things quite easily, but yes he would do things at the last minute, if I hadn't said book your flight as early as possible for Xmas then he would have probably left it too late to get a seat or it would have been way more expensive as it just wouldn't occur to him it would be madly busy. He describes himself as not very proactive! Which I do take as lack of enthusiasm, but it's like you said; it's just that we do things differently to our partners, it doesn't mean they care less than we do.

And I think he has a lot to deal with putting up with me and my anxieties I need to cut him some slack

I do love him

LDR's are a learning curve for sure, I have never in my life been in such a rollercoaster r/ship!

 

 

Totally! Our boyfriends should have a chat.

 

My SO is so much more laid back than I am too. He's the type to book flights a week before and pack the day of...whereas I'll have everything organized for a month in advance. We don't fight at all, but any little bickering that does happen is a direct result of stuff like that. It's not that he doesn't care; he just does things so much more differently than I do and vice versa, so we just have to adapt. To be fair, I oftentimes wonder how he deals with me too.

[HeavenOrHell]

Yes, I've never doubted that he loves me, I told him that, but I have doubted he'd move, that he'd be happy being LD forever.

And he's never meant to hurt me, even when him and his ex were sleeping in the same bed, he/they were just very naive about it!! He is a sweetheart, very caring and considerate.

He's only had one proper r/ship (which was long term). So yes he is clueless at times.

I won't feel able to talk to about him moving for a long time yet, it will have to be him initiating talking about it

 

You know, HoH, if anything from what you have written it seems to me that

1) your boyfriend seems to genuinely love you

2) he is more often than not completely oblivious when he hurts you.

 

Has he been in many relationships before? I find that a lot of times what I consider my SO's apathy is actually him being clueless in that my feelings are hurt. He has a trouble being able to relate to peoples' emotions, and when he does he is unsure of how to react.

 

My SO talk about our move a lot, but the closer we get the antsier I feel. I know we will live together this time next year, but that initial move is so scary!! Still, both of us do take a lot of solitude in talking about our future.

 

 

 

Ahh, there we disagree. I make my SO shave the minute his face starts scratching mine when we kiss.

[folieadeux]

I'm not sure I'd say my partner is laid back as he does get anxious about things quite easily, but yes he would do things at the last minute, if I hadn't said book your flight as early as possible for Xmas then he would have probably left it too late to get a seat or it would have been way more expensive as it just wouldn't occur to him it would be madly busy. He describes himself as not very proactive! Which I do take as lack of enthusiasm, but it's like you said; it's just that we do things differently to our partners, it doesn't mean they care less than we do.

And I think he has a lot to deal with putting up with me and my anxieties I need to cut him some slack

I do love him

LDR's are a learning curve for sure, I have never in my life been in such a rollercoaster r/ship!

 

That makes two of us! I was in one other LDR years ago, but this one is so much different because we both are completely dedicated to making this work.

 

I'm also trying to cut him some slack and calm down a bit...he never gets angry or loses it with me, so I'm trying my best to give him the same in return. At the end of the day, the reason why I lose it so much is because I miss him terribly (not that that's an excuse) and it's never about the issue at hand. I think it's the same for all of us females on the board.

 

I would hate to sabotage my relationship because I couldn't handle the distance...that's just not an option for me at all.

[HeavenOrHell]

I don't think he'll talk about it for at least another year, that he won't start thinking seriously about what he needs to do for a long time yet.

I think he wanted to talk about it early on in our r/ship as he felt early on we had real potential and I think he wanted to know I wasn't looking for a fleeting r/ship, he wanted some security, but I guess the actual reality of moving is very different and scary. Just annoying he planted the seed in my head and now sounds annoyed if I mention it.

 

 

You never know, maybe when you meet up he'll be the one to bring it up. My SO and I talk about the future pretty regularly...but the grass isn't always greener trust me. I've actually been trying not to talk about it as much because it honestly gets me even more upset because I'm impatient and it's not happening yesterday.

 

As the time gets closer for him to move, he's going to have to talk to you about the details...maybe not everything word for word...but he'll have to start getting comfortable giving you periodic updates. Better to start now.

[HeavenOrHell]

I would hate to sabotage my r/ship too just because I couldn't handle the distance, he is better at focussing on the positives, so it makes it easier for him to handle, of course I thought he handled it better as he didn't care as much But he could say maybe I don't have enough faith in us if I have doubts sometimes that I can handle the distance. He does worry that I won't handle it.

I can handle it for 2 years, but probably not for longer than that. Ugh I'm still niggled it a bit by the fact he said he'd like to live closer within 2 years 9 months ago and it's still 2 years now, so the time hasn't gone down I wish we could live closer in a year or 18 month's time. But it's not me moving so it's easy for me to say, on the other hand he said he has nothing keeping him there and he has no life there. But we want to be sure it's the right thing and not rush things, he was left by his ex so he's cautious too.

 

 

That makes two of us! I was in one other LDR years ago, but this one is so much different because we both are completely dedicated to making this work.

 

I'm also trying to cut him some slack and calm down a bit...he never gets angry or loses it with me, so I'm trying my best to give him the same in return. At the end of the day, the reason why I lose it so much is because I miss him terribly (not that that's an excuse) and it's never about the issue at hand. I think it's the same for all of us females on the board.

 

I would hate to sabotage my relationship because I couldn't handle the distance...that's just not an option for me at all.

[folieadeux]

I would hate to sabotage my r/ship too just because I couldn't handle the distance, he is better at focussing on the positives, so it makes it easier for him to handle, of course I thought he handled it better as he didn't care as much But he could say maybe I don't have enough faith in us if I have doubts sometimes that I can handle the distance. He does worry that I won't handle it.

I can handle it for 2 years, but probably not for longer than that. Ugh I'm still niggled it a bit by the fact he said he'd like to live closer within 2 years 9 months ago and it's still 2 years now, so the time hasn't gone down I wish we could live closer in a year or 18 month's time. But it's not me moving so it's easy for me to say, on the other hand he said he has nothing keeping him there and he has no life there. But we want to be sure it's the right thing and not rush things, he was left by his ex so he's cautious too.

 

Your boyfriend sounds like a very caring person, and any misunderstandings that may happen don't seem to be intentional at all. Like I said before, I think he may just be getting cold feet now that moving is becoming more of a reality with each passing day. Him being cautious is definitely the right thing to do. I also think you brought up a good point too when you stated that he may not want to talk about it because he already tested you out in the beginning so to speak. I know it can be frustrating at times for you, but he's probably so sure this is what he wants to do now that he just simply feels he doesn't have to talk about it anymore.

[HeavenOrHell]

He is so caring and there's no way he'd want to hurt me (or anyone) intentionally. I'm sure it's just nerves/cold feet about moving, just wish he would voice that you know? If he said I do want to move but I'm just very nervous then I would be SO ok about it and be relieved!! Instead of never mentioning it anymore and me assuming the worst

Since that heavy online chat last week things have sort of been fine, since he apologised for being so closed, and said yes he wants to try to live nearer within 2 years and has no intention of living apart forever, but I've felt myself backing away a little bit and focusing on other things, when he said he felt backed into a corner about moving and like I was pushing for a moving date like it was proof of his love for me, my first instinct was sod you then! Like I've got so much pride that that really stung me, it was like I felt I was being enthusiastic/needy (the opposite to what I was in my last 18 year r/ship, he left me as he no longer felt needed in fact, as I was so busy with my own life) and he wasn't showing enthusiasm about it since he first mentioned the subject months ago, and it made ME feel less enthusiastic. I explained I wasn't pushing for a date, but just wanted to know he hadn't changed his mind and just a rough time scale (in years), that I wasn't sure I wanted to be missing him in 5 years time, that I'd rather be free to meet someone in my own country if he'd changed his mind about a future/moving, obviously we don't know what the next 2 years will bring, there are no guarantees in any r/ship (learnt that the hard way after my ex left) I'd actually be worried if he wanted to move here within the next year as I wouldn't be ready yet, so it's not like I was saying move NOW! Just some vague plan was all I wanted, or rather wanted to know he was still wanting that.

It's like a friend said to me, you just want him to say now and again "it will be nice when we're able to do this or that together" ie for him to mention it sometimes, so I know where we're at.

I feel like saying that I felt like saying sod off then when he said he felt backed into a corner, but things seem ok now so I should just let it go shouldn't I? I just feel niggled by him saying that, I feel like saying, I'm not pushing you into a corner I just wanted some enthusiasm like other couples in LDR's seem to have, it's hard to believe he wants a future with me when he never talks about it now. Other couples would find this hard if they future felt like it was taboo, wouldn't they? Or am I being unreasonable?

Yes I want some security I guess seeing as I'm investing time in this r/ship and not finding it easy.

I'm annoyed he ever brought it up in the first place, I feel I was daft for eventually coming around to the idea (I felt backed into a corner when he mentioned it originally as he was quite persistent and it was way too early), I had a feeling he'd sound like he'd gone off the idea soon as I liked the idea.

I either need to tell him I felt like telling him to sod off last week or I need to let it go, cos things seem ok now, and I am going to see him in a month.

 

 

Your boyfriend sounds like a very caring person, and any misunderstandings that may happen don't seem to be intentional at all. Like I said before, I think he may just be getting cold feet now that moving is becoming more of a reality with each passing day. Him being cautious is definitely the right thing to do. I also think you brought up a good point too when you stated that he may not want to talk about it because he already tested you out in the beginning so to speak. I know it can be frustrating at times for you, but he's probably so sure this is what he wants to do now that he just simply feels he doesn't have to talk about it anymore.

[folieadeux]

He is so caring and there's no way he'd want to hurt me (or anyone) intentionally. I'm sure it's just nerves/cold feet about moving, just wish he would voice that you know? If he said I do want to move but I'm just very nervous then I would be SO ok about it and be relieved!! Instead of never mentioning it anymore and me assuming the worst

Since that heavy online chat last week things have sort of been fine, since he apologised for being so closed, and said yes he wants to try to live nearer within 2 years and has no intention of living apart forever, but I've felt myself backing away a little bit and focusing on other things, when he said he felt backed into a corner about moving and like I was pushing for a moving date like it was proof of his love for me, my first instinct was sod you then! Like I've got so much pride that that really stung me, it was like I felt I was being enthusiastic/needy (the opposite to what I was in my last 18 year r/ship, he left me as he no longer felt needed in fact, as I was so busy with my own life) and he wasn't showing enthusiasm about it since he first mentioned the subject months ago, and it made ME feel less enthusiastic. I explained I wasn't pushing for a date, but just wanted to know he hadn't changed his mind and just a rough time scale (in years), that I wasn't sure I wanted to be missing him in 5 years time, that I'd rather be free to meet someone in my own country if he'd changed his mind about a future/moving, obviously we don't know what the next 2 years will bring, there are no guarantees in any r/ship (learnt that the hard way after my ex left) I'd actually be worried if he wanted to move here within the next year as I wouldn't be ready yet, so it's not like I was saying move NOW! Just some vague plan was all I wanted, or rather wanted to know he was still wanting that.

It's like a friend said to me, you just want him to say now and again "it will be nice when we're able to do this or that together" ie for him to mention it sometimes, so I know where we're at.

I feel like saying that I felt like saying sod off then when he said he felt backed into a corner, but things seem ok now so I should just let it go shouldn't I? I just feel niggled by him saying that, I feel like saying, I'm not pushing you into a corner I just wanted some enthusiasm like other couples in LDR's seem to have, it's hard to believe he wants a future with me when he never talks about it now. Other couples would find this hard if they future felt like it was taboo, wouldn't they? Or am I being unreasonable?

Yes I want some security I guess seeing as I'm investing time in this r/ship and not finding it easy.

I'm annoyed he ever brought it up in the first place, I feel I was daft for eventually coming around to the idea (I felt backed into a corner when he mentioned it originally as he was quite persistent and it was way too early), I had a feeling he'd sound like he'd gone off the idea soon as I liked the idea.

I either need to tell him I felt like telling him to sod off last week or I need to let it go, cos things seem ok now, and I am going to see him in a month.

 

It sounds like you and your boyfriend want the same thing, the major difference is he won't talk about it anymore for whatever reason and you need that reassurance. What you're feeling isn't unrealistic at all. I'm not saying you have to talk about it everyday, but yes, every once in a while everyone needs to hear their partner make mention of their future plans together, long distance or not. It makes you feel comforted and knowing (especially in an LDR) that you're not doing all this for nothing. No, nothing is guaranteed in any kind of relationship, but I feel future plans do need to be discussed a bit more in our situations than with couples who don't have the miles between them to contend with out of necessity more than anything else. There would be no point in being together if you lived your lives separately forever.

 

With that being said, I think what you're asking him for is such a small thing to ask of someone too...I'm not sure why he felt backed into a corner. Like you said, you weren't asking for an exact date, just a time frame...and some enthusiasm.

 

I feel that you're way more patient with him than most would be too. I'm sure he cares about you, but because of his lack of experience, he isn't emotionally able to give you what you need. I hope things get better with your upcoming visit and that he's able to at least show some enthusiasm about things...even if he isn't willing to talk about moving, talking about the future in general with you at all would go a long way I imagine.