How To End My LDR With Fiance? :(

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

I have decided that after much soul searching, it is the best decision to end things with my fiance. I have not felt right for about 5 months but have held off ending things due to him being in Iraq. Prior to that we had only actually met 4 times in real life as I am from the UK and he is from USA. After our 4th meeting he went to Iraq in June '10 and wont return until June '11. However he is now on 2 weeks holiday until the middle of Jan and I was thinking perhaps now would be a good time to break the news to him as he is not over there for a fortnight. I agree that ending things whilst he is actually there is probably not the best idea.

 

People have been guilt tripping me saying I am being incredibly selfish for wanting to finish things whilst he is in a war zone and knowing that back home his father is sick and he cannot be with him. I feel terrible but then how can I keep suffering myself just to live my life how others want and keep the peace? Why should I put my life on hold for a whole year for someone who I barely know? I feel awful as I knew about some of these things from the start, and I not only accepted his proposal, but encouraged him propose before he went to Iraq so we could be engaged to reassure me that he would come back to me after the year is up.

 

Right now there is no relationship, we only talk on IM and never on the phone - yet he manages to call his Mother everyday. He does not seem to have a clue about how to make me happy - he didn't even send me a birthday card because of the shipping costs, yet a few days prior to my birthday he told me he sent massive 10 meter rugs back home to the States! Last time I checked, rugs are heavier than a greetings card! During these 2 weeks he has taken as holiday he is spending it with his family in America and not even seeing me. I was cool with that though as his father is priority at the moment as he is very sick. But some friends have said he should have set aside at least a couple of days to be with me.

 

I also have the married man I was involved with a couple of years ago chasing me and telling me he wants to offer me a life with him. I still love this man and would like to make a go of things with him if he is for real. I have always known deep down that I never did connect with my fiance as much as him. This is another thing making me feel so guilty.

 

Why do I have to put up with so little? Cant others see this, why are they instead making me feel guilty and telling me karma willl punish me, and convincing me to hold fire until June when he returns? I cannot carry this weight on my shoulders for much longer, and certainly don't see why I should put my life on hold for another 6 months. I have already been very poorly with depression (for many things - this is not the only cause by any means) and currently cannot even work because of it. But that's ok because so long as I am doing the morally right thing and keeping everyone happy then my suffering is ok, right? :'(

[aerogurl87]

I'm going to tell you that you need to do what makes you happy. Yes it may break your fiance's heart and yes your friends and his family may hate you for it, but in the end it is you that will have to live with your decision, not them. If he doesn't make you happy, then end things with him now instead of marrying him and then having to live a life of wedded misery. As for the married man, well if he's not divorced yet, then I wouldn't go back to him. Take some time to figure out what you want, that's what I'm attempting to do now and I know it's hard because I'm in a similar situation. Hang in there though and do what's best for you, not what's best for everyone else.

[HeavenOrHell]

Walk away hun, it doesn't sound like a relationship anyway from the way you describe it. We all need to put ourselves first sometimes. R/ships are a two way thing, you both need to get something from it, you seem to be getting nothing. You'd be doing nothing wrong by walking away, you'd be doing both of you a favour. Good luck, and keep us posted

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Thanks for the support guys

 

So should I not feel guilty for finishing with him in the middle of his Iraq mission?

 

People have told me to not do it whilst he's over there, so I figured it would be slightly kinder to do it during his 2 weeks annual leave which is now until mid Jan. Still feel so bad though, and nervous to pluck up the courage. Also I fear regretting it a few months/years down the line. And I sometimes wonder if I am being too needy by not being satisfied with what I have with him. But then realistically there really is nothing in it for me, it just seems like I am putting my life on hold for a year for someone I hardly know, with the promise of a fabulous life together when he finishes his mission. Which would be brilliant if he was my best friend and someone who I had a deep connection with. But he isn't

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Aerogurl - Sorry you are going through similar to me, it is really tough eh? I seem to remember you getting with your long distance boyfriend at around the same time as I 'met' my fiance online. I posted here frequently for advice when I first met him for real, coping with missing him etc.

 

Long distance is really hard work. I think if you have been with someone long term, say 5 years, and they have to go away for a year or something then it would be much easier to hang on and wait for them. But in my case, a future has all been planned out based on what?

 

I found it very hard to face up to the fact that I dont really know him at all, and have never been with him in day to day life situations, we have only met for holidays together which is not reality. It also makes me question his intentions, how can he be truely happy with a marriage to me who he knows just as little about, and assuming it will be me relocating from UK to be with him in the States. It seems he may just want a wife - any wife - to settle down with as he is approaching middle age.

 

I used to think it would be great as it would give me the chance to be a wife and mother - something I have always wanted to do. Plus the chance to escape my life here. But after I have had time to think, I have come to the conclusion that I just can't move away from everything that I know and move over there and let his friends and family just take over. I am a strong personality and would find that suffocating. I may not get on with my family a lot of the time, and I may have struggled with making friends and finding a boyfriend here, but running away to marry an American I barely know is not the answer - well it may have been if it actually felt right and we had a deep connection.

 

Re: the married man, he does seem to be legitimate this time after ripping my heart to absolute bits in the past, although if he is planning on leaving it does seem to be being dragged out a bit and I would like to think he had left for his own reasons without having me there as a safety net. But we will see. I will watch what he does, not rush into anything and guard my heart. My gut instinct is telling me that I definitely love and want this guy, I have been totally miserable ever since he disappeared from my life and secretly never stopped loving him. I have not seen him for 2 years and he wants to meet asap so we can discuss the future. I am very nervous about commiting to a meeting with him in case he decides after seeing me that I am not what he wants after all, he has been trying to make an arrangement for a while now and I keep putting it off as I am scared.

[TMichaels]

Re: the married man, he does seem to be legitimate this time after ripping my heart to absolute bits in the past, although if he is planning on leaving it does seem to be being dragged out a bit and I would like to think he had left for his own reasons without having me there as a safety net. But we will see. I will watch what he does, not rush into anything and guard my heart. My gut instinct is telling me that I definitely love and want this guy, I have been totally miserable ever since he disappeared from my life and secretly never stopped loving him. I have not seen him for 2 years and he wants to meet asap so we can discuss the future. I am very nervous about commiting to a meeting with him in case he decides after seeing me that I am not what he wants after all, he has been trying to make an arrangement for a while now and I keep putting it off as I am scared.

 

Tell him to leave you alone until he's gotten divorced. You need to be in another relationship right now like a fish needs a bicycle. He also has no business chasing after you when he's not available, legally or morally, but that's whole 'nuther subject for debate.

 

I think you need to think long and hard why you feel so compelled to swing from one tree limb to another without spending any time on the ground.

 

Translation: You need to figure out who *you* are instead of defining yourself and success/happiness in your life by whether you're in a relationship or *whether someone else thinks you're good enough* to be in one, with them.

 

As far as your boyfriend in the military goes -- yes, I think it's cruel and not a good idea to dump him when he's in the middle of his tour of duty. What's six months? And, why are you in such a rush to dump him? At your age, you're not exactly classified as an "old maid" -- so why are you so hot to trot?

 

My guess it's because your married man has been sniffing around again lately and since you feel your fiance has been neglecting you and the married man is showing interest, Mr. Married Close-by looks more like a great catch, every day.

 

LOL... You think you're heartbroken, now?

 

Uh, get your head out of the clouds and wake up! THE GUY IS MARRIED. I don't care how much you fantasize about him being your long-lost knight in shining armor -- you need to get a grip AND some self-esteem.

 

So what to do about your fiance? You two clearly have communication problems and differing expectations about what you both want and need out of a relationship -- or at least this one.

 

Both of you and neither of you are to blame for that, given the rash decision both of you made to get engaged when you barely knew each other's names -- and before he was to be shipped out to Iraq.

 

Chances are, if you continue the way you have been, in six months there will be nothing for the two of you to talk about anyway by the time June rolls around.

 

But, sorry. While I think the conclusion you've come to that getting married to this guy isn't what you want is spot on, I agree with your friends: Dumping him while he's in the middle of his tour of duty stinks and could very well mess with his head enough that he won't end up coming back home at all.

 

Think about it this way... How would you feel if you were dumped via a text message? Nice. The guy didn't even have enough class to tell you things were over to your face.

 

That's essentially what you will be doing to him by dropping this on him now -- regardless if he's on a two-week furlough or not. And, that lovely news is going to be exactly what will be occupying his mind in the midst of a war zone. Reeaal nice.

 

What you do is your choice, of course.

 

But if it were me, I'd "grow a pair" and stick it out until I could tell *my fiance* that the engagement was off -- to his face. And, I'd tell Mr. Married to get his own life in order first, before he started interjecting himself into mine.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Tell him to leave you alone until he's gotten divorced. You need to be in another relationship right now like a fish needs a bicycle. He also has no business chasing after you when he's not available, legally or morally, but that's whole 'nuther subject for debate.

 

I think you need to think long and hard why you feel so compelled to swing from one tree limb to another without spending any time on the ground.

 

Translation: You need to figure out who *you* are instead of defining yourself and success/happiness in your life by whether you're in a relationship or *whether someone else thinks you're good enough* to be in one, with them.

 

As far as your boyfriend in the military goes -- yes, I think it's cruel and not a good idea to dump him when he's in the middle of his tour of duty. What's six months? And, why are you in such a rush to dump him? At your age, you're not exactly classified as an "old maid" -- so why are you so hot to trot?

 

My guess it's because your married man has been sniffing around again lately and since you feel your fiance has been neglecting you and the married man is showing interest, Mr. Married Close-by looks more like a great catch, every day.

 

LOL... You think you're heartbroken, now?

 

Uh, get your head out of the clouds and wake up! THE GUY IS MARRIED. I don't care how much you fantasize about him being your long-lost knight in shining armor -- you need to get a grip AND some self-esteem.

 

So what to do about your fiance? You two clearly have communication problems and differing expectations about what you both want and need out of a relationship -- or at least this one.

 

Both of you and neither of you are to blame for that, given the rash decision both of you made to get engaged when you barely knew each other's names -- and before he was to be shipped out to Iraq.

 

Chances are, if you continue the way you have been, in six months there will be nothing for the two of you to talk about anyway by the time June rolls around.

 

But, sorry. While I think the conclusion you've come to that getting married to this guy isn't what you want is spot on, I agree with your friends: Dumping him while he's in the middle of his tour of duty stinks and could very well mess with his head enough that he won't end up coming back home at all.

 

Think about it this way... How would you feel if you were dumped via a text message? Nice. The guy didn't even have enough class to tell you things were over to your face.

 

That's essentially what you will be doing to him by dropping this on him now -- regardless if he's on a two-week furlough or not. And, that lovely news is going to be exactly what will be occupying his mind in the midst of a war zone. Reeaal nice.

 

What you do is your choice, of course.

 

But if it were me, I'd "grow a pair" and stick it out until I could tell *my fiance* that the engagement was off -- to his face. And, I'd tell Mr. Married to get his own life in order first, before he started interjecting himself into mine.

 

Best,

TMichaels

 

Of course I would tell my fiance things were over to his face given the chance but please understand - he has not arranged to see me at all during his 2 week holiday from Iraq. Had he done this I would have no trouble telling him that way, I would have preferred face to face as normally speaking I am a very forthright sort of person. However because in my heart I knew things were over I did not push him to come and see me or for him to fly me out to the States as I would have felt guilty about him spending thousands of pounds for nothing, it is over anyway.

 

He is not on the front line, he is military police and reassured me many times that his job is low risk.

 

So you think it is ok for me to carry the burden of feeling this way and not tell him? I have suffered enough haven't I? Does the fact that I have been off work on and off for the last 3 years with depression, and finally lost my job completely in October 2010 because of it mean nothing???

 

You seem to be guilt tripping me in the same way as my friends and family are Trust me I do not need more of that. I appreciate you are trying to help else you would not have taken the time to write me a long post, but I just wish you could see how it is affecting me. Remember he is someone I barely even know, it's not like we have built a life together and then he goes out to Iraq for a year, is it? If that was the case things would be very different.

 

He never calls me, however since he is home in America for a couple of weeks I was going to ask him via IM to give me a call as a one off so we can talk properly about this. I would NOT have done it over a text message!!! Not sure where you got that idea from. But the best I can do right now is finish over the phone. If I wait until June it will either be the phone, or face to face - but the latter will involve one of us spending hundreds on a flight only to talk about the fact that it is over.

 

Some of my friends actually think he is already showing signs of backing away, by the ever dwindling communication, and that he didn't arrange to see me during his time off even though I didn't push him to. Oh, and what about the birthday card incident, I wish people would stop making me out to be the bad guy - I will repeat once again what happened there...

 

He didn't even send me a birthday card because of the shipping costs, yet a few days prior to my birthday he told me he sent massive 10 meter rugs back home to the States! Last time I checked, rugs are heavier than a greetings card!

Surely to put a smile on my face with a birthday card would be priceless?! It would have been the equivalent of £10 to post a card out to me from Iraq, who knows how much the rugs cost him to ship to the states. When I confronted him he just said 'but the rugs are something we will have forever'. Urgh.

[Citizen Erased]

The guy is in Iraq and you're worried about a birthday card? Ok...

 

Obviously now you have another guy come back, you suddenly barely know your fiancé, he's terrible for how he treats you etc etc. And by the way, unless youve lost the use of your legs, why couldn't you have gone to where his family is to see him? It goes both ways.

 

Obviously this is over and you should tell him as soon as possible, but deluding yourself as to your motives is pretty screwed up. Sorry, him not sending you a birthday card doesn't excuse you communicating with another man, and wanting to jump from this relationship to the other guy, world doesn't work that way.

[TMichaels]

Sorry to hear about your depression issues, heartbroken, but my advice to you still stands.

 

At the rate the two of you are going in terms of staying in touch, chances are this relationship will die on the vine due to neglect anyway. So let it. And, stay away from Mr. Married until he gets his own life sorted out.

 

Also have to say that it sounds like what you want by posting is to get the answer that you want -- not what everyone else has nearly unanimously advised you do. Might be worth spending some time thinking about that...

 

And yes...

 

Agreeing to get married to someone you barely knew who also was shipping off nearly immediately for a hitch in the military wasn't a good idea. But two wrongs, as in dumping him now because he's not living up to your expectations, doesn't necessarily make everything all right.

 

Sometimes life isn't fair. In fact, most of the time, it isn't at all.

 

But how you choose to deal with the lemons that are thrown your way tells a lot about what sort of person you are. Taking the high road even if it means sleeping in the bed you made for yourself a bit longer until you can do the right thing is what I would advise you do.

 

Best,

TMichaels

 

 

P.S. I also noticed you conveniently side-stepped any mention of your married friend in your reply. Continuing to do so in your life, literally and figuratively, would also be a very wise move.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

The guy is in Iraq and you're worried about a birthday card? Ok...

 

Obviously now you have another guy come back, you suddenly barely know your fiancé, he's terrible for how he treats you etc etc. And by the way, unless youve lost the use of your legs, why couldn't you have gone to where his family is to see him? It goes both ways.

 

Obviously this is over and you should tell him as soon as possible, but deluding yourself as to your motives is pretty screwed up. Sorry, him not sending you a birthday card doesn't excuse you communicating with another man, and wanting to jump from this relationship to the other guy, world doesn't work that way.

 

Of course it is not just the birthday card, I would no way be THAT petty over something so minor, there have been many occasions and incidences where he has not been attentive and it has just built up. Likewise you also cannot just blame the other guy. This relationship is wrong for me regardless of whether or not he is in the picture.

 

My fiance is not a bad person by any means - I just don't think he has a clue when it comes to women. I am not saying I am a saint, however I know I have a big heart and do not want to hurt anybody. Hence why I am so conflicted and not just heartlessly jumping at the chance to see the married guy. He has been persuing me since July 2010 after a long disappearing act - and I have still not met up with him.

 

I would have gone to see my fiance in the States but as you may have read in my previous posts - I do not have a job right now and therefore could no way afford a flight and as I previously stated, would not have expected him to pay for me when I want to finish it.

 

I am feeling worse than I did before I posted this thread. I thought people on here would understand me. But I hate that I am being made out to be an ******* Believe me I have battled depression and suffered enough in my life, I wish you would empathise. I am not perfect and I make mistakes - I am only human. But I would like to think I am a good person.

[madjac74]

just fyi...you made the greeting card thing out to be a big deal and now you are recanting. Just like you agreed to marry this guy and now you are recanting that now that there is this old flame in the picture who is suddenly more a accessible. Greeting cards are lame. You seem to be pretty selfish and looking for sympathy because you actually know you are wrong. If you dont want this relationship quit stringing him along and just send him an email. He might be over there fighting for his life clinging to the thought of coming home to you and you are crying about not getting enough attention. End it...for his sake!

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Sorry to hear about your depression issues, heartbroken, but my advice to you still stands.

 

At the rate the two of you are going in terms of staying in touch, chances are this relationship will die on the vine due to neglect anyway. So let it. And, stay away from Mr. Married until he gets his own life sorted out.

 

Also have to say that it sounds like what you want by posting is to get the answer that you want -- not what everyone else has nearly unanimously advised you do. Might be worth spending some time thinking about that...

 

And yes...

 

Agreeing to get married to someone you barely knew who also was shipping off nearly immediately for a hitch in the military wasn't a good idea. But two wrongs, as in dumping him now because he's not living up to your expectations, doesn't necessarily make everything all right.

 

Sometimes life isn't fair. In fact, most of the time, it isn't at all.

 

But how you choose to deal with the lemons that are thrown your way tells a lot about what sort of person you are. Taking the high road even if it means sleeping in the bed you made for yourself a bit longer until you can do the right thing is what I would advise you do.

 

Best,

TMichaels

 

 

P.S. I also noticed you conveniently side-stepped any mention of your married friend in your reply. Continuing to do so in your life, literally and figuratively, would also be a very wise move.

 

So you think the best thing to do is to not tell him until June, but gradually detach myself a little more until there is barely anything left of the relationship? I also feel bad though as by not telling him now I am leading him on. In this situation do you think that ignorance is bliss for him? I just hate that he probably thinks we still have a future, and I am going along with it to some extent. Can I pretend for another 6 months? It will be very hard on me and unfair on him. But by accepting his proposal before he left is it definitely the kinder thing to tell him when he gets back in June even though it means more turmoil for me? Even if we did break up now I am not saying I want him out of my life completely - I would still be there for him online if he wanted to chat. I would even see him again as friends. Like I said there are no hard feelings between us.

 

I think I forgot to mention the married friend in my reply to you, sorry! I will meet him soon and find out what his intentions are before rushing into dating him. I don't see the harm in that. After the way he treated me before - I will not even sget physical with him until I see his divorce papers or that he has moved out into his own place. So do not worry about me rushing into anything with him despite my strong feelings. But I will feel even more guilty if the married man sorts his life out very quickly and offers me a future before June. I would not want relationships to overlap even though people do end up in that situation all the time. I have been single for pretty much most of my teenage/adult life so it is not about needing a partner for validation. I am used to being on my own and love my own company and have many interests that do not involve being needy for a man. However I would be lying if I said I didn't feel very lonely and long for my soulmate a lot of the time.

 

I know you do not know my background info but I think it's worth mentioning that I also live far away from my family and friends, I am currently living in a roommate situation with people I am not comfortable with and have moved around the UK alot so nowhere feels like home for me. And I can't even relax where I'm living. I am currently at a crossroads with regards to where to live, what job to go for etc. The easy option would be for me to move out to the States and be with my fiance, but I would not do that as I feel like it would be throwing my life away. At least I am aiming towards making a life for myself here and standing on my own two feet.

[madjac74]

Wtf? You are seriously going to string this guy along for 6 months to see if this other relationship works out?!!! And you want empathy! haha

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

this is too much for me to handle right now.

 

i cannot take anymore.

 

i should have known better than to post on here.

 

i can't stop crying and am honestly having thoughts of ending it all.

 

how dare you people call a depressed person names and assume i am selfish when you do not even know me!!!!!!!!

 

people who have made comments that put me down do not even know my background info or all the details about this situation.

 

thanks for making me feel 100x worse and with the lonliness i have to face each day with no friends or family near me. I will cry myself to sleep in an empty bed tonight and will have no contact with anyone over the weekend, and you think it's ok to throw stones at me??? Urgh.

[madjac74]

Boo hoo! You wanted advice but it wasnt what you wanted to hear. How many times did you say "me" in that rant?

[Eeyore79]

Honesty is the best policy here. It would be better to dump him face-to-face, but that isn't always possible in an LDR when people are a few thousand miles apart. It seems silly (for you) and cruel (for him) to waste money on transatlantic flights just to break off a relationship, and you cannot reasonably put your life on hold and string him along for another six months or more. Dump him on the phone while he's home on leave, and be done with it.

 

He doesn't seem that into the relationship anyway, given that a)He didn't even send you a birthday card, b)He never bothers to call you, c)He didn't spend his leave with you. You're his fiance; you should be his highest priority, but instead he seems to prioritise sending rugs home and spending his leave with people other than yourself. You barely know each other; I don't know why you were even considering marrying in the first place. It seems less about wanting to be with each other (because you barely know each other) and more about satisfying your own individual needs for love and companionship with a willing partner.

 

I think you should break it off with your fiance, however I don't think it's a good idea to get involved with a married man! He's taken, and you're considering stealing another woman's husband - where are your morals and decency? It sounds like you just need someone to fill an emotional gap; you want love and companionship, and it's more about your needs than about either of these men. Have some self respect, ditch both of them and learn to be happy by yourself (Yes, I know how hard it is. I previously had the same problems with loneliness, and I had to learn how to be by myself before I could choose a man who was right for me rather than just grabbing a man to fill my emotional gaps).

[TokyoG33kyGal]

Boo hoo! You wanted advice but it wasnt what you wanted to hear. How many times did you say "me" in that rant?

 

lol that's what i was about to say, you beat me into it

 

I also have the married man I was involved with a couple of years ago chasing me and telling me he wants to offer me a life with him. I still love this man and would like to make a go of things with him if he is for real. I have always known deep down that I never did connect with my fiance as much as him. This is another thing making me feel so guilty.

 

okay so i am guessing this is what you want to hear:

 

leave your fiance and do what your heart dictates you

 

well, i am gonna try not to be harsh on you but this is not what you want to hear as well.

 

you obviously need to leave your fiance because he's not making you happy. do him a favor and dump him fast and find the right girl for him.

 

of course you deserve to be loved...but jumping into another relationship just because there's a promise of marriage is not the solution. even if that guy offering you marriage is single, it seems like you're the one who has issues. i mean, what are you really after? the marriage or to find the right person? cuz it seems like it does not matter who the person is, as long as he can promise you marriage and commitment that's enough for you. to make matters worse he's a married man. geez, at least find someone available.

[Citizen Erased]

I'm sorry, I'm sure there is a forum out there where everyone will agree with you and give you a lot of sympathy no matter how bad your actions are, depression excuses it all! This place isn't one of those unfortunately.

 

You need far more help than anyone on here can give you if you want to kill yourself over some comments by Internet strangers.

 

You probably wouldn't be reacting as emotionally if you were secure that your current actions are completely ok.

 

this is too much for me to handle right now.

 

i cannot take anymore.

 

i should have known better than to post on here.

 

i can't stop crying and am honestly having thoughts of ending it all.

 

how dare you people call a depressed person names and assume i am selfish when you do not even know me!!!!!!!!

 

people who have made comments that put me down do not even know my background info or all the details about this situation.

 

thanks for making me feel 100x worse and with the lonliness i have to face each day with no friends or family near me. I will cry myself to sleep in an empty bed tonight and will have no contact with anyone over the weekend, and you think it's ok to throw stones at me??? Urgh.

[madjac74]

C.E.!!! I always feel like such a prick on here because I chose not to sugar coat everything. I love the way tell it like it is!

[shayan]

it seems that it's time to end things with your fiance and to move on. But before you get into another relationship spend time working on yourself.

[eidolon]

C.E.!!! I always feel like such a prick on here because I chose not to sugar coat everything. I love the way tell it like it is!

 

Mhm. I posted a lot too, looking for support more than I was looking for advice. Sometimes, I heard what I wanted to hear. Other times, I just blocked out what I didn't like, and heard what I wanted to hear anyway.

 

Trust me, don't get so emotional. Really take things from how they are. We're not being jerks. People are just looking at this from a more objective standpoint.

 

You probably wouldn't be reacting as emotionally if you were secure that your current actions are completely ok.

 

I agree with this, too.

 

You don't seem like you really did any "soul-searching" honestly. You really need to take some time, and thing about why you have made the choices you have, and what the best remedy is. Truly and seriously. Take some time off and try to be a bit more rational.

[Els]

I honestly think some posters are reacting unfairly to her due to the 'married man' part. Had she left out the part about there being a MM that she was interested in, I'm pretty sure the replies would have all been, "What?! He calls his mom everyday but NEVER calls you?! He has ONE 2 week break in 1 year and he spends all of it with his family and none with you?! Why are you settling for such scraps?!?!"

 

OP, while I do not condone hopping into another R rightaway, especially not one with a MM, I also think this does not excuse your fiance's poor treatment and low prioritization of you. It would have been different if he had been unable to call or had no time off at all, but evidently he had, and you received no priority in it. I think there is nothing wrong with you breaking up with him during his holiday. The fact that he is in the military does not give him immunity to toss scraps to you while handfeeding others, and expect you to be there waiting for him when he is back. He can't handle a breakup, tough on him. He should have thought of that while ignoring your requests for better communication and more time spent together (as I recall you did?).

 

I strongly advise that you do not pursue the relationship with MM though. You only need pop over to the OM/W forums to see the kind of pain such relationships bring. You may think yours is different... but many other heartbroken souls think so as well. This will also bring pain to another person - the MMs wife.

 

Break up with fiance and seek happiness on your own. Perhaps a good man, unmarried, will enter your life once you free it up.

 

All the best. Sorry you're hurting. {{hugs}}

Edited January 7, 2011 by Elswyth

[Els]

just fyi...you made the greeting card thing out to be a big deal and now you are recanting. Just like you agreed to marry this guy and now you are recanting that now that there is this old flame in the picture who is suddenly more a accessible. Greeting cards are lame. You seem to be pretty selfish and looking for sympathy because you actually know you are wrong. If you dont want this relationship quit stringing him along and just send him an email. He might be over there fighting for his life clinging to the thought of coming home to you and you are crying about not getting enough attention. End it...for his sake!

 

It is highly unlikely that he is 'clinging to the thought of coming home to her' when he was offered the chance for these 2 weeks and didn't bother.

[Mrs_AJ]

I agree with Els.

 

Also the birthday card makes sense to me. When you are in a longdistance relatonship things like remembering to send a birthday card becomes very important. Of course you have stated everything from your point of view and have not given us much insight to how you have treated him prior to getting to this point.

 

What I do think you need to do is to take some ownership of your actions. You wanted to get engaged knowing you hadn't spent much time with him. You encouraged it. But now you're questioning how he can marry someone he barely knows. It's not so much about him at the moment. It's about you and realizing your mistakes.

 

Don't agonise so much. Give yourself time. Don't feel that people determine your predicaments in life. You will be the one to make your choices and you will live with them.

 

Some people who have replied to you have given you a harsh treatment. And even ridiculed you. Never mind them. They are the sort of people who think that they have it all figured out in their life. As if...

 

We're all human. Nobody deserves to be kicked. Especially not when they are asking for help.

 

State you opinion, and let the OP decide whether they will take it onboard or not.

[Faded_x]

I honestly think some posters are reacting unfairly to her due to the 'married man' part. Had she left out the part about there being a MM that she was interested in, I'm pretty sure the replies would have all been, "What?! He calls his mom everyday but NEVER calls you?! He has ONE 2 week break in 1 year and he spends all of it with his family and none with you?! Why are you settling for such scraps?!?!"

 

OP, while I do not condone hopping into another R rightaway, especially not one with a MM, I also think this does not excuse your fiance's poor treatment and low prioritization of you. It would have been different if he had been unable to call or had no time off at all, but evidently he had, and you received no priority in it. I think there is nothing wrong with you breaking up with him during his holiday. The fact that he is in the military does not give him immunity to toss scraps to you while handfeeding others, and expect you to be there waiting for him when he is back. He can't handle a breakup, tough on him. He should have thought of that while ignoring your requests for better communication and more time spent together (as I recall you did?).

 

I strongly advise that you do not pursue the relationship with MM though. You only need pop over to the OM/W forums to see the kind of pain such relationships bring. You may think yours is different... but many other heartbroken souls think so as well. This will also bring pain to another person - the MMs wife.

 

Break up with fiance and seek happiness on your own. Perhaps a good man, unmarried, will enter your life once you free it up.

 

All the best. Sorry you're hurting. {{hugs}}

 

This is EXACTLY what I was going to say. I really think everyone is being unfair on you because of the married man.

 

I definitely think you should end things now, while he's on his break. It's not fair on either of you to keep this going longer than it has to be, when you've already made the decision to end things. For all those judging her for it; how would you feel if you spent a happy 6 months with your partner, only to discover that whole time they'd already decided on dumping you, but they were just putting it off? I know I'd be devastated, and wish they'd have done it when they came to the decision. Honestly though, this guy doesn't even seem like it would bother him too much. It would surprise me if he wasn't somewhat relieved. From his apparent disinterest, it seems he has come to the same sort of conclusion as the OP has.