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I'm jealous over him dancing...


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I'm 21 years old and I've been dating my boyfriend (25 years old) for about 10 months now. He is active duty military and I am a reservist. We've been apart now for about three weeks. Everything has been going well. It was difficult to get past the first few days of not having him close to me. Here is where the problem comes in though...I believe I am a jealous person. Last night, he and four of his new and single friends (I've never met them) rented a limo and went partying in the big city. They visited a strip club, and then went out drinking and partying at a nearby club. He calls me up at 1 in the morning (my time, his time was 3 am) happy and drunk saying that he rented a limo, hit the strip clubs, and danced with another girl. He was quick to say though that as soon as she began to hit on him, he shied away from her and stopped dancing. Even typing this, I can feel myself begin to get angry again.

 

He was under the impression that he had done nothing wrong and I should be perfectly okay with it all. Am I being overly-possessive for no reason? He says that he only did it because he felt pressured by the "guys" and then he said, "Well, at least I wasn't (insert lewd comment here) her." Is that supposed to be comforting? Then he says he was just trying to be up-front and honest and that he thought our relationship was "different" and somehow, he didn't think I'd react like this. This is only making me feel terrible for being so jealous. I also asked him why he called. I thought maybe he called because he felt he'd done something wrong and was trying to head it off with a phone call immediately after the incident. He took offense to the question. Is that a sign?

 

I mean, come on. He's not an idiot. Of course this woman was hitting on him when she asked him to dance. And he danced with her. For ten minutes. And touched her. Shoulders, waist, lower back. But it wasn't a bump and grind thing.

 

What am I supposed to think? I'm in misery here. We talked it over this morning, but I still feel very much as if I'm letting this little incident control my life. I shouldn't, but I am. On the phone he sort of apologized. He said that I made him feel dirty for what he had done. He said he tried to see himself in my situation and that he understands. It seems like all the right things are being said, but I can't let it go.

 

Can anyone offer me a little insight? Thanks, and good night.

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Many young guys (especially servicemen) get wild on occasion and as long as he doesn't make a habit of it leave him alone. In addition, you don't want to hammer him on this and discourage his future honesty. He gave you many details he certainly didn't need to...but he did. If you get pissed, you will teach him that he can't be forthright and honest with you about these kinds of matters and the next time he goes out and does stuff like this he just won't tell you. As much as what he told you he did may hurt, you've got a guy who's honest and open and that's a real treasure. Don't do anything that will keep him from continuing to be honest with you.

 

If you chew his butt out, you can bet you won't get the details the next time he does something like this. The fact that he told you about it indicates he wanted to open up to you, get your forgiveness if necessary, and keep his relationship with you above board and honest. I think you ought to celebrate that you have a guy like this. Most guys would have kept their mouths shut.

 

This being a long distance relationship, you are at a grave disadvantage and you really can't say much about what he does to entertain himself. You also are in no position to keep close tabs on him. If you can't handle the things he tells you about, break up with him. But, again, don't be getting upset with him on the phone because this will only keep him from being honest with you. Remember, he is in charge of what he wants to tell you about and what he wants to keep to himself. If you want this relationship to continue, you'll have to suck it up. If he keeps telling you about stuff that hurts you, that's your cue to end things. But let him keep the information coming!!!

 

You may want to tell him that you're glad he had a good time but you hope he doesn't pull this sort of thing off more than once every 25 years (lol). And it's OK to let him know you don't feel great about his adventure...but let it go right there.

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He was quick to say though that as soon as she began to hit on him, he shied away from her and stopped dancing. Even typing this, I can feel myself begin to get angry again.

 

Why? Did you think he should go farther? He told you everything, expecting you should be glad that he was honest and that he left the woman when she tried something with him - and you punish him for that.

 

He says that he only did it because he felt pressured by the "guys"

He is in the military. He has to deal with these guys all the time. That is a huge amount of pressure. Ease up on him.

 

I also asked him why he called. I thought maybe he called because he felt he'd done something wrong and was trying to head it off with a phone call immediately after the incident. He took offense to the question. Is that a sign?

 

A sign of what? That when he called to confess to you right away, rather than being grateful that he trusted you with the truth, you showed him that you don't trust him? Yep.

 

 

I mean, come on. He's not an idiot. Of course this woman was hitting on him when she asked him to dance

 

That is just ridiculous. People like to dance. Usually, men who want to dance are hard to find. Women who like to dance will ask men who seem to be willing to dance just for the pleasure of dancing. Again, lighten up.

 

Shoulders, waist, lower back

 

Look. I'm a ballroom dancer. Touch is part of dance. Touch isn't always sexual, you know. It is part of dancing is all.

 

Can anyone offer me a little insight?

 

Yep. You are a distrustful person. There is nothing worse than being honest and trustworthy and being distrusted by someone like you. You will drive him away if you don't change your ways. So if you have to bite your tongue right off, stop giving him grief about this and start working on your beliefs about him. He gives you no cause to distrust him but you do anyway. Nobody would live this way for long. So wise up.

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Well, I just talked to him this morning. Everything seems to be fine again. I appreciate your advice, but when I think about it, I still get a little jealous. If I had gone out to a strip club in a limo with four friends of mine he hadn't met then to a club and went dancing with some random guy who asked me to dance, I wouldn't hear the end of it. I would be the bad girlfriend who, while not necessarily getting a tongue lashing, would get a huge guilt trip. I may have been wrong to fly off the handle, but I do not believe my initial reaction was wrong. I'm human, he danced with another girl, I got jealous.

 

I am worried though that I may have caused some damage. I don't want him to be scared to talk to me. This is the very first little jealousy incident in this LDR. It is bound to get easier. Last night he just stayed home and read, and jokingly said he was scared to go out because of him. I worry because I haven't imposed any restrictions on me. I haven't asked him not to go out, or have fun. I want him to! I mean, he's getting deployed pretty soon, and so am I. We both need to have fun. I just wish it could be together.

 

Anyway, I think things are patched up. He asked me about the incident today and I said I didn't want to talk about it. It makes me silly jealous to think about it and I don't want to take it out on him. He seemed a little worried, but all in all didn't push the issue.

 

Am I really a mistrustful person? I do trust him. He is very honest, and loving. I don't doubt he loves me. I just can't stand the visuals the situation brings to my mind. It may be a control issue, just because I wasn't there. I need to relinquish that control, but it is so very hard. I'm new to all of this.

 

There is hope.

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I just can't stand the visuals the situation brings to my mind. It may be a control issue, just because I wasn't there. I need to relinquish that control, but it is so very hard.

 

Sometimes we beat ourselves up by replaying situations that pain us. Not only that, but when we do it we make it worse than they really are. There's doubtless a bunch o' psychological reasons for it, but the trick is to not let this eat at you. When the image starts to replay itself for you, replace it with one of the loving moments between you. As for your take on control, it could very well be true. Good on you for trying to sort out where your distress comes from and for not bringing it up today. Yep, if you keep that up there is hope indeed :)

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Hey,

 

If i were you i would think the same thing. What i think about your situation is he probably went too far then "just"dancing. I think he did something and felt bad about it, so he called to tell you what's he been up to. He is a grown up man, he can't be pressured or peer pressured by his friends! Its wrong thing to do, when you have a girl friend and dance with the girl behind her back!

 

I got jealous once, when my boyfrind "HUGGED" his ex-girlfriend in front of me! >:| Like real jealous.!

I would say, try to work thing out by talking calmly. I would really ask him what happened at the club. Maybe he was too drunk to remember, i don't know.!

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Last night he just stayed home and read, and jokingly said he was scared to go out because of him. I worry because I haven't imposed any restrictions on me.

 

I don't know how I made this mistake, but I meant to type:

 

"Last night he just stayed home and read, and jokingly said he was scared to go out because of me. I worry because I haven't imposed any restrictions on him."

 

Well, I don't like to think of what Beauty_48 said. I have a little more trust in him than that, and I don't want to re-hash anything after any seeds of doubt are planted. I do believe that he felt guilty though for the little he did do and that's why he called and said practically the first thing out of his mouth is that he went dancing. Which is, hey, a good sign, right?

 

I love him, and I don't believe that he did anything with the intention of hooking up, or trying to hurt me. If I'm absolutely honest with myself, I can come to the conclusion that he went out, had innocent fun with another women, felt guilty about it just because of the gender issue, and called me. I'm still jealous ( :sick: ) but I'm getting over it. And I'm not taking it out on him.

 

Don't want to think about it too much! In the grand scheme of our relationship, this was only a hiccup.

 

Writing this all down and putting myself at the mercy of outsiders thought has been a great release. Thanks again everyone for your input. You've all helped me a lot by just reading.

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He is a grown up man, he can't be pressured or peer pressured by his friends

 

This just shows how not 'grown up' you are. No matter how much older you get in years, inside you feel very much the same most of your life. Peer pressure is peer pressure and it can be very important in much of your life. People manage, sometimes, to be more individual and more independent when they start to hit their forties and beyond, but the peer thing remains HUGE, especially for men. It is much more so in the military, where team cohesion is very important.

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I agree about the team cohesion thing moimeme, but I have to question where the lines are drawn. Peer pressure can only be an excuse up to a certain point. And it's still just an excuse. I mean, if they were at that strip club and his friends pressured him into taking some exotic stripper into a room for a private dance, is that ok because he was too much of a wuss to say no?

 

I believe that peer pressure exists, but if he were to consistently put himself into a situation where he may fall into the opportunity to cheat, and then blame it on peer pressure, there is a problem.

 

Hopefully, it never comes to that.

 

Anyway, my two cents.

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