Which One Of Us Should Relocate?

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

I have been in a LDR for about 1 year now.

 

I am from the UK and met my fiance from the USA online in August 2009.

 

Things have been tough recently as he is also in the military so we miss each other like crazy, he is due to return in May next year when we will start our lives together.

 

It was assumed that I would relocate to live in the States with him, it seemed to make sence as he has two careers out there, has inherited land that he intends to have a house bult for us on, is very close to his family etc.

 

I am having worries as to whether relocating there is right for me, he does live in a particularly remote area, when I went out there to visit I found his close knit family nice but a little strange and overfriendly as I am not from that sort of family. I know it is wrong to assume anything, but I have this image that I will move out there, be isolated and overpowered by his family and have limited contact with my own friends/family. This will be especially difficult when we have children, I have recently realised that throughout pregnancy/birth I would like to be around familiar faces that I know. I can just imagine his friends and family taking over and I do not want that at all.

 

But realistically if I move out there I am likely to be able to afford a plane ticket once a year to see the people I know in the UK which I can't deal with.

 

I think he would prefer us to get married out there too, which will mean a wedding day surrounded by about 100 people that I barely know, with maybe about 5 people who would make it there from the UK to see me get married.

 

What to do?!

[Pyro]

That is something you two need to discuss. You obviously have some concerns about moving there so you need to discuss those issues with him before you make a decision. Make sure whatever decisions you make that you have no regrets.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

That is something you two need to discuss. You obviously have some concerns about moving there so you need to discuss those issues with him before you make a decision. Make sure whatever decisions you make that you have no regrets.

 

Yes I know I really need to discuss these issues with him, however it is proving difficult as we only really get to talk on Yahoo IM and on the phone occasionally using his call card but the signal cuts in and out so we cannot hold a proper conversation, very frustrating. Will have to wait until we are face to face which will be when he gets his 2 week holiday from Iraq but this might not be until February and I feel like I want to talk about it now.

 

I am also worried in case he gets offended and assumes I don't want anything to do with his family, or that he may think our relationship will not work unless I move over there.

[Pyro]

Yes I know I really need to discuss these issues with him, however it is proving difficult as we only really get to talk on Yahoo IM and on the phone occasionally using his call card but the signal cuts in and out so we cannot hold a proper conversation, very frustrating. Will have to wait until we are face to face which will be when he gets his 2 week holiday from Iraq but this might not be until February and I feel like I want to talk about it now.

 

I am also worried in case he gets offended and assumes I don't want anything to do with his family, or that he may think our relationship will not work unless I move over there.

 

Discuss all you want here but in the end make your final decision when you talk to him in person.

 

Part of love is having patience and understanding. Just tell him what you told us here and in the same wording and he should have no reason to get offended.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Discuss all you want here but in the end make your final decision when you talk to him in person.

 

Part of love is having patience and understanding. Just tell him what you told us here and in the same wording and he should have no reason to get offended.

 

Yes I think that honesty is probably the best policy, it is just waiting for the right opportunity to voice my concerns is going to take a long time - I feel it's not right that I am having these thoughts yet can't discuss them until I see him face to face.

 

Really wish we could talk about it now but I can't mention anything whilst he is over there for the reasons I stated above, also he has a very difficult job to do in a horrible place right now - he has enough on his plate and I do not want to upset him.

[Pyro]

This gives you time to really think about things. Make a list of the pros and cons of you moving there and him moving to you.

 

I hope everything turns out for the best.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

This gives you time to really think about things. Make a list of the pros and cons of you moving there and him moving to you.

 

I hope everything turns out for the best.

 

Thank you for your support and kind words Pyro.

[LisaLee]

This is a very hard decision, something that my SO and I are still going back and forth on. Eventually both of us will be relocating (to the same place) by the end of the summer next year, but it is the time between March - August that is up in the air for us.

 

I graduate in Dec. and my lease is up in March. I want to move to Ann Arbor, but am worried about finding a job, plus reluctant to move so far from my family. He graduates in May, and also has the same issues. Right now we are leaning on me moving to Michigan and us subletting for the summer, but our plans seem to change on a weekly basis. I just asked him today how he felt about moving to Missouri for the summer, and he said it is possible but sounded reluctant.

 

Really, there is not much you can do but talk about it. If you do relocate to the U.S. is there a chance that you will be living in his hometown close to his family? And is he entirely opposed to moving and living in the U.K.? You should also ask yourself who will be the money earner between you two? Who has a better chance of finding a stable job? There are so many factors to look at. This is a huge decision, and there is no easy way around it. By the time comes for the final decision hopefully you will both be set in stone with what you want.

 

Good luck, Heartbroken, I hope you are able to work things out.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

This is a very hard decision, something that my SO and I are still going back and forth on. Eventually both of us will be relocating (to the same place) by the end of the summer next year, but it is the time between March - August that is up in the air for us.

 

I graduate in Dec. and my lease is up in March. I want to move to Ann Arbor, but am worried about finding a job, plus reluctant to move so far from my family. He graduates in May, and also has the same issues. Right now we are leaning on me moving to Michigan and us subletting for the summer, but our plans seem to change on a weekly basis. I just asked him today how he felt about moving to Missouri for the summer, and he said it is possible but sounded reluctant.

 

Really, there is not much you can do but talk about it. If you do relocate to the U.S. is there a chance that you will be living in his hometown close to his family? And is he entirely opposed to moving and living in the U.K.? You should also ask yourself who will be the money earner between you two? Who has a better chance of finding a stable job? There are so many factors to look at. This is a huge decision, and there is no easy way around it. By the time comes for the final decision hopefully you will both be set in stone with what you want.

 

Good luck, Heartbroken, I hope you are able to work things out.

 

Sounds like you guys are feeling a little indecisive too? It is such a hard decision to make regarding who should move where.

 

Out of my fiance and I he will be the main breadwinner as we want to have kids in the next 2 years, I want to focus on being a Mother.

 

Yes moving there will involve living right in all his families pockets as he has inherited land a few miles up the road from all of them which he plans to build us a house on. I do not think he would consider living in the UK as we will probably not even get quarter as much for our money as we would living out there. And the part of America he is from is beautiful and would be the ideal place to raise a family, but I am not sure I could cope with being isolated and without familiar faces, plus his family inevitably taking over. I think from our previous conversations before he left for Iraq, he has his heart set on being near his family and building us a house there.

 

Because he will be the breadwinner, does this mean he has the right to have more control over the decision where we will live?

[LisaLee]

 

Because he will be the breadwinner, does this mean he has the right to have more control over the decision where we will live?

 

Oh no, absolutely not!! I apologize if that is what I led you to believe, I just wanted to remind you that it is an important factor to consider. In the end it will come down to being both of your decisions. Although there is no doubt that finances should have a role in your decision, I don't believe it gives him the upper hand at all. I think Pyro's suggestion of sitting down and evaluating your Pros and Cons is a good one. I also think you should really open up to him about your concerns.

 

Also remember, you don't know that his family will be unbearable... you don't know that you will not enjoy the countryside... this is just what you are thinking. It may turn out to be quite the opposite. But in the end don't forget, even the best laid plans come undone. He may be set on living in the country by his family, building his dream home, etc, but things don't always work out that way. Circumstances may call for you two to be elsewhere.

 

Really, as soon as you get the chance be as open and upfront with your fiance as possible. You don't want to build up any kind of resentment so early in the relationship and these are concerns he really needs to be aware of.

Edited September 8, 2010 by LisaLee

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Oh no, absolutely not!! I apologize if that is what I led you to believe, I just wanted to remind you that it is an important factor to consider. In the end it will come down to being both of your decisions. Although there is no doubt that finances should have a role in your decision, I don't believe it gives him the upper hand at all. I think Pyro's suggestion of sitting down and evaluating your Pros and Cons is a good one. I also think you should really open up to him about your concerns.

 

Also remember, you don't know that his family will be unbearable... you don't know that you will not enjoy the countryside... this is just what you are thinking. It may turn out to be quite the opposite. But in the end don't forget, even the best laid plans come undone. He may be set on living in the country by his family, building his dream home, etc, but things don't always work out that way. Circumstances may call for you two to be elsewhere.

 

Really, as soon as you get the chance be as open and upfront with your fiance as possible. You don't want to build up any kind of resentment so early in the relationship and these are concerns he really needs to be aware of.

 

Hey no worries, that was a question I came up with by myself and had considered before - just wondering what other peoples thoughts are regarding that.

 

In a way I feel kind of ungrateful that I am being offered an opportunity to have a house built for me in the countryside, to get married and have kids. Yet I am not satisfied!

 

From his conversations in the past, and the way his family are - I think it's safe to say they are definitely the type to want to be heavily involved in our lives.

 

I can imagine them always calling round to see us but I like my privacy, I have days where I like to shut myself away and not see anyone. I don't want to feel like I can't relax in my own home. Also he may always make plans for me and him to go to social gatherings round there. This is more than likely as they are a popular family in that area. I don't like the thought of his friends and family having unlimited access to our kids when we have them, yet my friends and family will only be able to see them once a year or so. That feels horrible for me. I have issues with my family, they have caused me alot of problems in my life but despite that I do want them to be around to support me when I am pregnant/have young babies ya know?

 

Only army work would potentially offer an opportunity to live in a different state, but this would only be temporary anyway.

 

The UK probably isn't an option as it is just so costly to live round here, and he would probably have difficulty finding a job.

[Star Gazer]

If you plan on having children with this man in 2 years, you really ought to discuss your concerns with him before February. I realize it's an awkward conversation, but without open, honest communication about this and everything else, no relationship can survive...let alone a LDR. This is your chance to gain a mutual understanding of what your future together holds. Why wait to talk about your concerns if you already have plans/intentions for one of you to relocate? Calling is difficult and so is IM for the reasons you stated, but what about email? You're doing a decent job of explaining yourself to us in a narrative, can't you do that with him too?

[D-Lish]

Someone will have to make a sacrifice, and it won't be easy for whomever has to do it.

 

Is he willing to relocate, or is it just assumed it's going to be you?

[Eeyore79]

It doesn't sound like you particularly want to move so far away, and he doesn't want to move to the UK either. I had the same problem with my ex - he had to stay put in his country because he was divorced and had to stay near his kids, but I didn't really want to move away from all my friends and family and hardly ever see them, and have my kids hardly ever see their grandparents, etc. In the end my ex and I just gave up because he couldn't move and I wouldn't move.

 

On a different note; it sounds a bit ill considered to marry a man you've only been with for a year, and in an LDR too, so you've hardly spent any time with him in person (I assume, because he's in the military). Given that you're also unsure about whether you want to move to be with him, and he isn't willing to make compromises for you, perhaps you should think about this a bit more...

[Romance]

Someone has to do it. It makes sense for whoever can find a new job and become financially stable to move. Someone is going to leave friends, family and everything they know, it wont be easy.

[Eeyore79]

Indeed; sometimes it's easier to end the relationship than for one person to move. That's what happened to me - neither of us was willing to move, so in the end we had to call it quits.

[aerogurl87]

My boyfriend and I went through this a few months ago. I was hell bent on getting him to move here to the southern part of the US as I've always lived here and love everything about living in the South. He was hell bent on having me move up to Canada with him as he's always lived there and is very close to his family who all live there as well. So we discussed it and came to the conclusion that I'd move there. And here comes the why.

 

First off, he will be the main, and possibly for some time, the sole breadwinner as we want to have start having kids in a few years and we both want me to be a stay at home mother while they are young. Secondly, where he lives is the ideal place I'd want to raise a family. A much lower crime rate and better quality of life and health up there. Thirdly, he has a better paying job than me up there that he wouldn't be able to find down here. Fourth, all his family is up there and they are very close knit. I have family down here and friends, but I'm not as close to them and I could move far away easily without a second thought.

 

The compromise is that if my parents want to visit, we'll help them throughout the year to visit and I will come back home once or twice a year. So talk to him about your concerns, weigh the pros and cons, and come to a compromise on everything.

[carvidep]

Being that he's in the military, is there a good chance that he'll be called away from home every now and then while you're married and raising children? In that case his family would become a very helpful and possibly comforting resource.

 

However, you wouldn't have your family there to give you the ultimate comfort.

 

Just something to think about, not trying to push you in one direction or another.

 

Also, would it be possible for you two to move to a bigger city near his home town, and he could work from there? If so, maybe you could get a house in the city, and build the one he wants back in his home town and treat that as a summer home / cabin for vacations.

 

That way you guys could still visit his family, and they could drive out to visit you, and it could maybe make the visits a little less frequent than if you lived near them 100% of the time.

 

I also agree with these things that other people have mentioned:

-the list of pros and cons

-e-mailing him your concerns, just as you spelled them out to us

 

Your concerns and opinions are completely valid, and you absolutely have the right to voice them. Surely he would appreciate hearing what you have to say sooner rather than later.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

The situation is now likely to have been changed by an external factor, my fiance's Father has just been diagnosed with a very serious illness, Dr. has said he has between 1-2 years.

 

Given this, I think I will have no choice BUT to live with him near his family as he will want to spend as much time as possible with his Dad especially as he is unable to be there right now due to being in Iraq, and I can imagine he will want to be there for his Mom.

 

The situation is even more difficult now as I feel more guilty than I ever did before. As much has this news has shaken and upset me I feel that if I suggest living elsewhere then my fiance will hold it against me for preventing him from spending as much time with his Dad as possible. Yet I do not want to feel obliged to make potentially the wrong choice for me. Plus I cannot even think about talking to my man about me original issues with moving due to him having enough to deal with right now. This is so hard. Any more advice on this would be much appreciated

[aerogurl87]

The situation is now likely to have been changed by an external factor, my fiance's Father has just been diagnosed with a very serious illness, Dr. has said he has between 1-2 years.

 

Given this, I think I will have no choice BUT to live with him near his family as he will want to spend as much time as possible with his Dad especially as he is unable to be there right now due to being in Iraq, and I can imagine he will want to be there for his Mom.

 

The situation is even more difficult now as I feel more guilty than I ever did before. As much has this news has shaken and upset me I feel that if I suggest living elsewhere then my fiance will hold it against me for preventing him from spending as much time with his Dad as possible. Yet I do not want to feel obliged to make potentially the wrong choice for me. Plus I cannot even think about talking to my man about me original issues with moving due to him having enough to deal with right now. This is so hard. Any more advice on this would be much appreciated

 

Maybe you can suggest moving there for a few years, and then if within a few years you hate it there, ask him to move somewhere else? That is a pretty touchy situation but that sounds like the best thing you can do at this point I think.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Maybe you can suggest moving there for a few years, and then if within a few years you hate it there, ask him to move somewhere else? That is a pretty touchy situation but that sounds like the best thing you can do at this point I think.

 

Yes but I still don't see why I should feel obliged to make such a life changing move even if it is based on my fiance being there for his family when he returns from Iraq in May 2011. I did not even particularly want to get married in his home town but now that his Dad is sick he may insist on getting married there as if his Dad is too sick to travel then he will miss our wedding day. So you see it looks like I am going to have to make some major sacrifices in my life if my man wants to spend as much time with his Father and be there for the rest of his family during this difficult time.

[aerogurl87]

Yes but I still don't see why I should feel obliged to make such a life changing move even if it is based on my fiance being there for his family when he returns from Iraq in May 2011. I did not even particularly want to get married in his home town but now that his Dad is sick he may insist on getting married there as if his Dad is too sick to travel then he will miss our wedding day. So you see it looks like I am going to have to make some major sacrifices in my life if my man wants to spend as much time with his Father and be there for the rest of his family during this difficult time.

 

Well you have to sacrifice sometimes for the ones you love. Ask yourself this, if you were in the same situation 1) would he do the same thing for you? Moving over to where you live so you could be close to your family during such a hard time. And 2) would you want him to sacrifice for you if you were going through the same situation with your family? If the answer to both those questions is yes, then I think it would be a sacrifice worth making. By the way when do you two plan to get married?

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Well you have to sacrifice sometimes for the ones you love. Ask yourself this, if you were in the same situation 1) would he do the same thing for you? Moving over to where you live so you could be close to your family during such a hard time. And 2) would you want him to sacrifice for you if you were going through the same situation with your family? If the answer to both those questions is yes, then I think it would be a sacrifice worth making. By the way when do you two plan to get married?

 

We have not set a wedding date yet but the plan was to marry next summer sometime.

 

If I was in his situation I would not expect him to move over here with me - I would expect him to leave me to it. I am used to doing things in my own.

 

He gets 2 weeks leave at some point during his Iraq mission, the original plan was to take me away for 2 weeks in January but last night I told him to just take it as emergency leave to spend the time with his Dad if he wanted to do that. He is now thinking about what he wants to do with his available time off.

[aerogurl87]

We have not set a wedding date yet but the plan was to marry next summer sometime.

 

If I was in his situation I would not expect him to move over here with me - I would expect him to leave me to it. I am used to doing things in my own.

 

He gets 2 weeks leave at some point during his Iraq mission, the original plan was to take me away for 2 weeks in January but last night I told him to just take it as emergency leave to spend the time with his Dad if he wanted to do that. He is now thinking about what he wants to do with his available time off.

 

Hmm ok, well see xxxheartbrokenxxx that's where things get tricky. Maybe you wouldn't want him to do that for you, but maybe he wants you there to have someone to support him while he's supporting everyone else. I know it may sound selfish because it's not what you would want, but you are two different people. That may be the best way he will be able to cope with the whole situation. I wish you the best of luck in whatever you two decide to do.

[fooled once]

The situation is now likely to have been changed by an external factor, my fiance's Father has just been diagnosed with a very serious illness, Dr. has said he has between 1-2 years.

 

Given this, I think I will have no choice BUT to live with him near his family as he will want to spend as much time as possible with his Dad especially as he is unable to be there right now due to being in Iraq, and I can imagine he will want to be there for his Mom.

 

The situation is even more difficult now as I feel more guilty than I ever did before. As much has this news has shaken and upset me I feel that if I suggest living elsewhere then my fiance will hold it against me for preventing him from spending as much time with his Dad as possible. Yet I do not want to feel obliged to make potentially the wrong choice for me. Plus I cannot even think about talking to my man about me original issues with moving due to him having enough to deal with right now. This is so hard. Any more advice on this would be much appreciated

 

Yes but I still don't see why I should feel obliged to make such a life changing move even if it is based on my fiance being there for his family when he returns from Iraq in May 2011. I did not even particularly want to get married in his home town but now that his Dad is sick he may insist on getting married there as if his Dad is too sick to travel then he will miss our wedding day. So you see it looks like I am going to have to make some major sacrifices in my life if my man wants to spend as much time with his Father and be there for the rest of his family during this difficult time.

 

Very interesting...

 

You a couple months ago were all gung ho about moving to the States. In many of your previous posts, you talked about how you had no family/friends near you or that you hung out with (this was during your breakdown last summer when you were waiting for the MM to show up).

 

Then, you are engaged and can't wait to move here.

 

You have met his family once, right? And you have made all these judgements about them. Maybe they were just trying to get to know you? Maybe because of your past, you are more standoffish than they are and you are not used to a "big happy family".?

 

But, i wonder if you are using this as an excuse....since a couple months ago, the MM got in touch with you which sent you into a spiral.

 

He is in the military. He doesn't get to PICK where he wants to live. He may get stationed somewhere else entirely (I know this because my father was in the military for 30+ years and he went where they sent him and we moved my entire life until I was 20). You chose to date/get engaged to a military guy. I am sure you and he have discussed this...right? that if he get deployed to say.... California, you guys would go together, right?

 

And if he is the bread winner, and from your previous posts, you HATE your job, then yeah, it makes sense that you would move.

 

So you are already defensive and sounding irritated that you should be the one moving, when all along, you were all excited about moving to the states. Now, you have issues with his family and even are sounding a little pissed that his dad has a fatal diagnosis and his dying is going to make you stay someplace that you honestly and truly have no idea what it is like to live there!

 

And then I just noticed your post in OW/OM -- about men from the UK and they don't get divorced because it costs them too much financially (which really isn't right - google it like I just did - there is no hard and fast rule that men will be left destitute after a divorce. More than likely, he will be responsible for child support and possibly alimony - but remember, those end one day - at least the child support).

 

Are you as invested with the fiance as you were 6 months ago before the MM reappeared? Are you looking for a reason to end the engagement? It sounds like you are; especially since you were so excited to come to the states and now you are back tracking.

 

Good luck in whatever you decide.