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Long Distance Love Fantasy versus my Real Life...


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Hey, this is my first post since I found this place and figured it would be as good a place as any, to get some random strangers' advice.

 

I'll try to keep it brief as possible.

 

I am a 38 year old recently divorced guy, now dating again and have been in and out of relationships since i was 18.

Married (and divorced) twice, have 3 boys, and have had a great sex life.

;)

 

I'm a realist and a cynic when it comes to love...I don't believe in fate, karma, meant-to-be-isms, and love at first sight.

Sorry.

 

Most of my relationships have started off like a firecracker, hot and heavy, then burn out around the 2 year mark.

 

The only relationship longer than that was my last marriage, which lasted 6 years, and I'm pretty sure that was because I forced it to because of my kids.

 

Anyway...about half way through that 6 year marriage, I met a girl (I'll call her 'Georgia') online through an automobile community I was active in, and we instantly hit it off as friends.

 

Yeah, there was a little flirtatious talk back and forth, but she knew I was married and I knew she lived far away...so nothing but friendship and an occasional innuendo kept us going. I tried to respect my marriage and she did too.

That was 6 years ago.

 

Since then, Georgia and I have talked on the phone every day (at least once, sometimes twice or several times) for the last 6 years, and for hours at a time.

I would find myself having the GREATEST conversations with her...never an awkward silence, never an argument, always stimulating and interesting...I mean...we just GOT each other.

I have NEVER had this kind of rapport with a girlfriend or wife before.

It was great.

I figured she HAD to be hideous or retarded to have such a great personality.

:p

 

We exchanged pictures, and she was a really cute redhead...short, big boobs, successful, funny, and cute as a button.

:confused:

 

After the divorce, things got a little more serious and we talked about meeting....but real life kept getting in the way; kids, jobs, money, etc...

 

The whole long distance relationship is something I always thought was ridiculous. After all, there is a physical aspect that needs to be present for a relationship to succeed. That had always been my feelings...and still is.

 

Anyway, about two years ago, we finally got to the point where we confessed our love for each other.

I truly do love this girl, and I don't take the L-bomb lightly.

 

Trouble is, I need physical contact to have a relationship. Admittedly, so does she.

 

We have discussed moving/visiting, but I can't leave because of my kids, and she won't leave Georgia because of her family and job...and money is so friggin tight right now, neither one of us can get away.

 

So this past month we came to a stalemate and I started seeing someone.

This broke her heart.

 

she is really acting like a hurt, jealous girlfriend, and I hate that I'm hurting her, but I explained to her that I need someone that is physically here for me.

 

I told her no matter who I see or date, that I will love her regardless.

 

doesnt seem to help.

 

WTF am I supposed to do?

I do NOT want to lose her friendship, but I dont think she wants to be just friends.

 

Thanks for sticking it out if you read all this.:love:

 

CLIFF NOTES: for those of you like me that dont like to read all that crap, here ya go:

 

1) currently dating a girl I like a lot but know will never become anything serious.

2) this is pissing off the woman I love that lives hundreds of miles away that I can probably never have.

Edited by Lovebone
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Well first off, insults aren't going to get you anywere! In the US most people are asleep at this time and in the UK most people are at work. So there! :p

 

As I see it, here are your options:

 

1. Carry on with Georgia girl as before until she decides it's hurting her too much and she ends it.

 

2. End your relationship with Georgia girl so she doesn't get any more hurt than she already is.

 

3. End your relationship with your real life 'girlfriend' (does she know about Georgia girl by the way?) and remain single and celibate forever so Georgia girl doesn't get hurt.

 

4. Find the money (somehow) to go and meet Georgia girl and find out if there's any chemistry - of course, if there is you then have the problem that neither of you is prepared to move, so you both end up heartbroken.

 

The truth is, you're never going to be happy in a real life long term relationship while you're carrying on an 'emotional relationship' with Georgia girl.

 

If neither of you is prepared to move then that's decision made as far as I can tell.

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It sounds to me like you're a serial monogamist. You love being in a relationship, but once things settle down into being the same day in and day out routine, you quickly get bored and lose interest in your partner. I think the only reason things have stayed as awesome with this Georgia girl is because she is far away. Yes you know her somewhat, but there are still parts of her that are mysterious as you've yet to meet in person. I really think you should let her go. If my boyfriend told me he loved me but wanted to date other people still because he's so far away I'd be hurt too. I'd also leave him because I don't have the patience to be second to anyone when it comes to relationships.

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WTF am I supposed to do?

 

Don't ever get married again.

 

 

:) well darling, and im hoping your watching............. WTF??? how very dare you plant a woman as a pair of boobs? and yes i have small ones but the are purt.

 

so am i reading this correct?.......you have been married twice, you kinda ****ed up there (im assuming so ) and you met the love of your life on line. she didnt have enough money to get over the miles to get to you (hell what a light weitght cow??) and you cant be bothered to cut the beer to go see her. sooooooooooo. your s*ag a chick that put it on a plate.

 

and she dare get upset?? HOW VERY DARE SHE??

 

HELLO??

 

where is you respect?

 

nobby

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:):):):)

:) well darling, and im hoping your watching............. WTF??? how very dare you plant a woman as a pair of boobs? and yes i have small ones but the are purt.

 

so am i reading this correct?.......you have been married twice, you kinda ****ed up there (im assuming so ) and you met the love of your life on line. she didnt have enough money to get over the miles to get to you (hell what a light weitght cow??) and you cant be bothered to cut the beer to go see her. sooooooooooo. your s*ag a chick that put it on a plate.

 

and she dare get upset?? HOW VERY DARE SHE??

 

HELLO??

 

where is you respect?

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WTF am I supposed to do?

 

Don't ever get married again.

 

Agreed.

 

I mean really. you cant bust the airfair and a few days motel stay to just meet her and see if it's worth making a true LDR and then RL committment after 2 friggin years?

 

You go for the lust and the mystery. It's like the 7-year-itch times 100. I know ppl like you around the same age and they are hopelessly single until their late 40s to early 50s. They try to settle down then but the dating pool is low, their healthy years have dwindled and they are endlessly depressed because they havent built a family based on love, longevity and committment.

 

Tell the RL girl about your emotional relationship and see how she likes that. Dump your OL GF because you've hurt her enough already with the RL FwiB. Then find a good shrink.

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Agreed.

 

I mean really. you cant bust the airfair and a few days motel stay to just meet her and see if it's worth making a true LDR and then RL committment after 2 friggin years?

 

You go for the lust and the mystery. It's like the 7-year-itch times 100. I know ppl like you around the same age and they are hopelessly single until their late 40s to early 50s. They try to settle down then but the dating pool is low, their healthy years have dwindled and they are endlessly depressed because they havent built a family based on love, longevity and committment.

 

Tell the RL girl about your emotional relationship and see how she likes that. Dump your OL GF because you've hurt her enough already with the RL FwiB. Then find a good shrink.

 

 

OH my..............sweet and sensible words darling. Mr Im Every womans dream?? just quit. find yourself and give summot back to us ladies other than your un dying ego. it is wearing and silly. grow some and be back. ;) nobby

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Agreed.

 

I mean really. you cant bust the airfair and a few days motel stay to just meet her and see if it's worth making a true LDR and then RL committment after 2 friggin years?

 

 

I think this 'thing' with Georgia girl has been going on for 6 years!

 

3 of them whilst he was still married! :mad:

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I told her no matter who I see or date, that I will love her regardless.

 

doesnt seem to help.

 

 

I cant believe that didnt help!

 

Judging by the 40 minutes or so that you expected a response, You are all about quick results and instant satisfaction. I would not recommend any relationship for you let alone a long distance one. I say leave them both alone.

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ouch.

 

I guess I deserve some of that, huh?

 

Well, truth is, it just hurts that I can't retain Georgia's friendship, cuz now she says she cannot go back to the way things were (just good friends)...

 

I guess the romantic part of me tells me she is the one I want, and that these girls I go out with and date here, are just temporary filler until I am able to meet her in person.

I know it sounds bad, but I have yet to meet anyone here in my area that fulfills the void that she does. They only aggravate me with drama and make me realize how much I appreciate the things we have in common.

 

for the record, Georgia dates other people as well, so it's not a completely one-sided thing. I keep telling her that if and when she meets someone that makes her happy, that she should pursue it, and that her happiness would make me happy as well (which is actually a lie).

 

Ugh.

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I keep telling her that if and when she meets someone that makes her happy, that she should pursue it, and that her happiness would make me happy as well (which is actually a lie)/QUOTE]

 

Lovebone, these 5 words alone prove that you don't love 'Georgia'.

 

That and the fact that it's taken you five days to bother checking back and responding to your own thread! :rolleyes:

 

Leave the poor girl alone and get on with enjoying your casual sex lifestyle.

Edited by LittleTiger
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I keep telling her that if and when she meets someone that makes her happy, that she should pursue it, and that her happiness would make me happy as well (which is actually a lie)/QUOTE]

 

Lovebone, these 5 words alone prove that you don't love 'Georgia'.

 

That and the fact that it's taken you five days to bother checking back and responding to your own thread! :rolleyes:

 

Leave the poor girl alone and get on with enjoying your casual sex lifestyle.

 

Try reading that again, and understanding it this time, please.

 

On the contrary, the lie I refer to, is that I do NOT want her to find happiness with another man. Ok, so it's a selfish love...yeah, but how does that prove I don't love her?

that's the biggest line of crap I've ever heard..."I just want you to be happy, even if it is with someone else."

:rolleyes:

 

...and for the record, it took me 5 days to bother checking my thread because I have a life OFF the internet.

You should try it sometime.

:p

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Try reading that again, and understanding it this time, please.

 

On the contrary, the lie I refer to, is that I do NOT want her to find happiness with another man. Ok, so it's a selfish love...yeah, but how does that prove I don't love her?

that's the biggest line of crap I've ever heard..."I just want you to be happy, even if it is with someone else."

:rolleyes:

 

...and for the record, it took me 5 days to bother checking my thread because I have a life OFF the internet.

You should try it sometime.

:p

 

Oh, I understood you perfectly.

 

When/if you grow up you will understand that real love is never selfish. So I'm sorry, yes, it proves you don't love her.

 

That line is not crap and I hope, for your sake, that one day you will realise that.

 

Until then, if you think it's crap, you should not be saying it - especially to a woman you apparently love. :mad:

 

........and for the record, LS is used by people looking for, and offering help for, serious life issues. You may have noticed that those with real concerns about their relationships are checking for advice on at least a daily basis - some posting 50 or so posts a day when in crisis.

 

If your concern about your relationship with Georgia was genuine, you would have checked a lot sooner than this. No doubt you were busy having that physical contact that you need so much. :rolleyes:

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Oh, I understood you perfectly.

 

When/if you grow up you will understand that real love is never selfish. So I'm sorry, yes, it proves you don't love her.

 

"Grow up?"..."Love is never selfish?" Seriously...no offense, but...you make me want to vomit in my own mouth when you say things like this. What are you...12?

Lemme ask you this: do you clean your own magical fairytale castle ...or do you have hired help?

lol

 

 

That line is not crap and I hope, for your sake, that one day you will realise that.

 

Until then, if you think it's crap, you should not be saying it - especially to a woman you apparently love. :mad:

 

Again...your naivete astounds me.

 

........and for the record, LS is used by people looking for, and offering help for, serious life issues. You may have noticed that those with real concerns about their relationships are checking for advice on at least a daily basis - some posting 50 or so posts a day when in crisis.

 

50 or more posts a DAY?

Newsflash lady... some of us here have JOBS and/or children.

Get out of the house more often.

 

If your concern about your relationship with Georgia was genuine, you would have checked a lot sooner than this. No doubt you were busy having that physical contact that you need so much. :rolleyes:

 

Damn straight!

;)

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:rolleyes: All I can say is this: it's a blessing for Georgia that you live so far away from her and, given your understanding of love, it is no surprise to me that your relationships rarely last more than two years.

 

I genuinely hope that one day you will learn what real love is all about.

 

If your concern for Georgia is real, perhaps you could direct her to this site so that she can read your posts and maybe get some help for her broken heart when you finally decide you've had enough of messing with her feelings. :mad:

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ouch.

 

I guess I deserve some of that, huh?

 

Probably alittle bit :p

 

 

Well, truth is, it just hurts that I can't retain Georgia's friendship, cuz now she says she cannot go back to the way things were (just good friends)...

 

Im still friends with my ex-wife and a few girls I dated are some of my best friends. I understand how she feels now saying that she could never be JUST friends. I've thought that way too before. It just takes time for your feelings to shift. Not only am I crazy in love with Liz but she is my best friend ever and I'd hate to lose that if the relationship aspect didnt work out.

 

 

I guess the romantic part of me tells me she is the one I want, and that these girls I go out with and date here, are just temporary filler until I am able to meet her in person.

I know it sounds bad, but I have yet to meet anyone here in my area that fulfills the void that she does. They only aggravate me with drama and make me realize how much I appreciate the things we have in common.

 

I wouldnt wish a long distance relationship on anyone but this is exactly why we do it. We could both find something easier nearby but what we have together is worth all the difficulty of being so far apart. So its very possible you could meet someone great in your area someday but why try when you have someone like Georgia already.

 

for the record, Georgia dates other people as well, so it's not a completely one-sided thing. I keep telling her that if and when she meets someone that makes her happy, that she should pursue it, and that her happiness would make me happy as well (which is actually a lie).

 

Ugh.

 

I've said things like this too. Of course you don't mean it because you want her to be happy with you. I don't understand how it doesnt drive you crazy knowing she is with other guys.

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ouch.

 

I guess I deserve some of that, huh?

 

Well, truth is, it just hurts that I can't retain Georgia's friendship, cuz now she says she cannot go back to the way things were (just good friends)...

 

I guess the romantic part of me tells me she is the one I want, and that these girls I go out with and date here, are just temporary filler until I am able to meet her in person.

I know it sounds bad, but I have yet to meet anyone here in my area that fulfills the void that she does. They only aggravate me with drama and make me realize how much I appreciate the things we have in common.

 

for the record, Georgia dates other people as well, so it's not a completely one-sided thing. I keep telling her that if and when she meets someone that makes her happy, that she should pursue it, and that her happiness would make me happy as well (which is actually a lie).

 

Ugh.

 

I hate to say this, but has it ever occurred to you that she's just dating other people because you are and she doesn't want to come off as being clingy and/or desperate to you? I highly doubt she really likes these men as much as she likes you, but because you act non-interested she plays along with your little game. And that's all this is, a game. Until you get the balls to get up and go visit her, it's all just a game where you're messing with her heart and feelings.

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I think it all comes down to how much you want something/ how important it is to you. Sure, right now life has you trapped in a certain pattern (job, money, family requirements), but how much do you really want something different? How much do you really want to be with this person? How much do you want to find out if this person really does match you the way you feel she does? Is it perhaps the case that all those reasons you've come up with for NOT going to meet her in person are your way of justifying never facing the reality that maybe she isn't as perfect for you as you feel/think? If you really want to know if it is worth it, if you really want to know if this person is someone who you would turn your life upside down and inside out for, then you really do NEED to go meet her and spend about a week with her. Perhaps the two of you could meet in the middle for some sort of vacation.

 

My point is, if you want something badly enough, you find a way to make it work. You make the sacrifices, you take the time, and you spend the money. If only just to say that you gave it an honest try. If it means you have to wait another year or two before the two of you could live in the same place, then so be it. You just have to be willing to do what it takes to get what you truly want and you have to honestly do the best you can (which means being honest with yourself about your reasons for acting certain ways or saying certain things).

 

As far as Georgia's feelings about your current situation go, I agree that you can never go back. Once something has been done or said it can't be changed; it can be forgotten, forgiven or modified, but it can't be changed. You just have to decide how you want to live with the consequences.

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I still don't get it.

 

If she is so important to you, why cant you scrounge even Greyhound bus fair? It would cost a fraction of a flight. Even Amtrak would be cheaper... there's ways, but perhaps the others are right.

 

You just don't love her really. Or, considering your history with women, perhaps the distance is safer for you emotionally. And selfishly, hell, in this case you got to have your cake and eat it too...

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I still don't get it.

 

If she is so important to you, why cant you scrounge even Greyhound bus fair? It would cost a fraction of a flight. Even Amtrak would be cheaper... there's ways, but perhaps the others are right.

 

You just don't love her really. Or, considering your history with women, perhaps the distance is safer for you emotionally. And selfishly, hell, in this case you got to have your cake and eat it too...

 

Funny, she says that to me quite a bit.

 

I dunno, part of me feels like if I do actually meet her in person....that things would be different, and maybe for the worse...and in a strange way might compromise the feelings (safety) we feel as long-distance lovers/friends. Like, maybe the comfort level would be different.

 

Thanks for your helpful posts, unlike the generic "you don't know what love is" posts from the love expert up there.

:laugh:

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BellaBellaBella

I can honestly say, just find the money anywhere and go and meet her.

 

Don't you both owe each other that. My husband and I fell in love online. At first it was platonic and then it changed. However, neither of us would have been rational people to give up family job and support for someone we never met in RW.

 

Once we met we knew it would be okay, and we will be togather for 15 years in Jan.

 

I think getting to know each other online, if your honest can lead to a different dept of communication and honesty then doing so in RW. I remember talking to a Professor of psychology about it in school. The key here is if you and she are your authentic self and aren't hiding things from each other, why date other's until you actually meet.

 

After we met I did give up my family, friends, home and lots of things to change coasts to be with him. She may be willing to do the same. Then again she may not, but if you don't do this both of you will always wonder.

 

Is it really fair to the people you date?

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i think aerogirl got it right

 

You know, if you really think Georgia is the love of your life you should really try your best to go out there and see her. You'll never know if you never try and you'll always be wondering your whole life. Even if you try and fail then at least you won't ever have to wonder what would have happened.

Edited by chelle21689
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