It's 6 am and i can't sleep

[J0ey]

Ok, this is my first post on this forum. I don't even know exactly why im doing this, maybe it's to get things off my chest, almost like a freewrite.

 

Well, ive been seeing this girl for about a year and a half. We've never gotten into a fight i think mostly because i have a easy going attitude and it makes me happy that she's happy. Well, she lives in ca and i live in ma.

 

We got to school together. We talk everynight.. Being with her makes me completely happy. The problem is, when im not with her, i feel empty.

 

Tonight she went out with her friend, she didn't get detailed with me on what she did. I was upset cause she called me so late. Anyways she told me she did some things she never did in front of me and i told her why and she became defensive. I know its not my place to tell her what to do, but i was like you never did those things before why now??

 

She got upset because I was upset on the phone and she didn't want to talk. Now im not the type to get jealous but i am right now. I know I shouldn't worry and stuff that its my mind playing games with me. I think thats why im so angry with myself; That i was able to fall this much in love with the girl.

 

Is there anyone that wants to talk, I just feel alone and after waiting all night to talk to her, we ended the convo faster than it started.

 

Joe

[Tony T]

Well, right now she is totally in charge of the relationship. You've got to turn that around. No, you are correct in that you can't tell her what to do. But you have to let her know how you feel. If you can't do that without her getting defensive, she is way to immature for you and the wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong person for you.

 

People in relationships have respect and trust for each other, or should have. You have got to be crazy if you think this lady is going to stay home on Saturday nights and just talk to you on the phone. Gimmee a break. She is over 3000 miles from you and she wants real human companionship and she has a right to that. She was honest about the smoking...I don't know if you're talking about cigarettes or pot...but if you don't like women who smoke whatever, you need to tell her that. (Pot is very, very available in California)

 

This lady is young and she's likely to do a lot of stuff you don't like while she's in California. But if you get all bent out of shape with her over the phone, when the two of you are back together at school...if that happens...she won't want much to do with you.

 

You also need to start making a life for yourself....making friends you can do things with and getting out just like she is. You are obviously way too much into this lady, who lives far away, and that's not good. You can become a real bore to somebody that way. People are a LOT more attractive to other people if they have their own thing going.

 

No amount of insecurity or jealousy or whatever on your part is going to make her the right person for you. Yeah, right now you feel really good when she's around....that's an addiction, not love. Love doesn't try to chain someone down. Love sets free. So let her be for now and work on yourself. And if nobody told you, you don't NEED this particular lady in your life. Oh, of course it would be nice...in your opinion. But, trust me, there are hundreds of others who would make ever better companions that her. Hundreds that would be right there with you.

 

So relax and don't worry. If you never hear from her or see her again, post here and I'll tell you how to find somebody better. Meanwhile, if you think of one positive, productive reason why you should remain sleepless while a certified, free human being 3000 miles away does what she wants to do...let me know. She does not live to comply with your every whim or to be your indentured servant. She is FREE and will always be that way.

 

I don't think any person should absolutely count on a long distance relationship working out, even if this one is temporary.. Most of them don't. Humans need human touch...human contact.

 

I don't mean to offend you, but on the face of it...it's just really absurd to be sitting by yourself on Saturday night being upset about what some lady is doing with her evening 3,000 miles away. There's something about that scenario that is way too bizarre.

 

Bottom line: If something really serious, like an engagement, doesn't happen before she graduates...she's gonna be back in California. Where will you be?

[J0ey]

Tony - thank you for the reply. I don't expect her to tie herself up. I encourage her to go out and have fun. I mean, I go out too, it just makes me a bit upset that she would call me up so late. I mean, it was 6 am and she started telling me "You're gonna be upset, i smoked a cigarrette." I mean she knows that i don't like the stuff and im already out of it because of the lack of sleep. That's not something I like to hear earlier in the morning after she's been out for a night. On top of it all i asked her earlier to call me when no one was around and she was getting ready for bed, instead she called me and people were in the background. Should i be upset because of that? And I know I love the girl but recently, this last 3 days im been totally fixated on her and i've lost sleep. She got really defensive when I told her why she smoked cigarrettes. I mean, i used to smoke pot and she's told me she never wants me to touch it again, don't i have a right as a boyfriend to tell her i dissapproved of her smoking cigs if she told me not to do pot again? And I believe you're right, I have to go out much more than I do - i usually work all the time and i am always readily available for her which i agree can become boring. I guess it's a stupid game that we must play in order to keep things interesting. Sorry Tony if im blabbing. I just need some advice.

 

Joe

[Minagurl]

Honey, from the way you're writing, its seems to me that, yes you do care for this girl, but it truly seems that she is indeed immature and not ready for a serious thing. She is not treating you well and as you probably know now she is probably into more things then you want to admit to yourself.

 

Like Tony said, she is the wrong girl for you. You sound like this is probably one of your first, if not your first serious love. It is quite normal for a person that is in your situation to feel like you do. There are thousands of girls out there honey. You are forming your world around one girl who will eventually probably go off and leave you (not to sound crude).

 

This has nothing to do with you or what you do. You shouldnt be apologizing to her and degrading your self worth. She's out there having a great time. You need to find yourself some other thing, girl whatever it is my friend.

 

I was in the same sort of situation with my ex bf. We dated for awhile, we went to college together, yet he lived 5 states over. While I suffered a great deal over the summers, he was doing his thing back home. I did everything for him, I even went to visit him a few times, but eventually it just caught up to me that I was still young and directing all my energy into one person only made me not enjoy my life. Too bad I didnt catch this early enough because it only made me resent him by the end. We don't talk anymore.

 

If youre staying up late, and worrying all the time, theres a problem and it usually will NEVER go away. It will always be like this. You will be worrying until you break up. There were nights where I would wake up in sweat and I made every excuse to not believe that I cared more then him. But the truth was always there. I just had to see it.

 

I guess what Im saying is, listen to whoever loves you, if there is people around you who are saying the same thing, there is no reason why to make excuses for her and what she does. Sure you may have things in common, but if shes truly into a few different things etc, then thats a MAJOR issue - dont take it lightly. YOU WILL FIND MORE WALLS TO HIT TRUST ME.

 

Things are as clear as black and white and it is only when people refuse to see thing is when they run into complications. Ask your friends and family what they think, usually, they're the ones who will be right. I only see that now. Good luck and remember theres a girl sitting at home right now thinking how lucky she would be to have a guy like you.

[JANEYL]

hi Joey

 

if she is going to frat houses and hanging out with frat guys, she is doing more than smoking cigarettes among other things.

me being a girl in a sorority, i know a lot about what greek life is like for frat guys. if a girl is staying later than like 2 am at a frat party, she is doing more than just drinking and smoking...if youre thinking right now that she has a lot of guy friends, think twice, no guys want a girl as just a friend.

you should not be making yourself miserable over a person who is out partying while youre worried about your relationship with her.

the fact that you are posting something online already says someting negative about your relationship/

this isnot your fault. she should realize how much you care for her and she obvioulsy doesnt.

think about this, why would she call you at 6 o clock in the morning. why couldnt she step outside earlier at a decent hour to call you. obvioulsy she did not care about waking you up or whoever you live with.

If you dont see this as clearly as it is...i dont know what to tell you. stop making excused for yourself, and especially for her. you are probably in denial.

it is clear she does not love you as much as you love her...if she did she would not be putting you thru any stress.

stop complaining and making excuses, surround yourself with people who really care about you. dont try and convince yourself if she loves you or not. This will not last, i'm sorry but it seems shes too immature and plays another person when you're with her.

 

goodluck

[J0ey]

hey thanks for the replies everyone, i sincerely appreciate it. She told me last night that she had left her cell phone home and i did tell her earlier on to only call me once she had gotten in from partying (although i did tell her to call me when no one else was around and there were people in the room when she called). She usually doesn't go out partying cause she's at home but she went to visit a friend of hers that she didn't see in a very long time and this friend is a partier. So i guess they were just hanging loose remember the good old days a i dunno. She's called me late before but she's been out with her brothers and I know she's been home when she's called me late. So when i told her it was 6 she's like you never complained about it before which is true (although 6 am is pushing it - usually its 3ish) For the last two nights its been 430 and 6). I've always let her call me any time of the day/night. She's supposed to call me in a bit when she gets home. I'm not sure if i should play it off like nothing happened or what. I dunno if im over reacting. I mean when i was away, she never said nething like you shouldnt go out and not have fun and stuff. And i don't want her to stop having fun you know. I'd be a hyprocrite. I just feel sometimes that i'm putting in more than she is. Any other advice would be great. Thanks all

[J0ey]

Ok, so my girlfriend called me this afternoon and i didn't answer. I felt like i would of exploded if i did. I called her about 10 mins ago and was a bit cold on the phone and she was like what's wrong? I told her about calling me late and she said would of it been better if i didn't call you. I honestly believe that all she was doing is hanging out with her friends and chilling at some parties. I think because our meeting was a week apart from her going to hang out with her girlfriends, i started feeling jealous about that and i became angry. I felt like she was having a better time there than she had with me a week ago. Well the more I talked about it i started to cry on the phone (yes im sensitive i guess). She told me why would i say such a thing and doing nothing with me is better than doing something with them. I believe my anger was fueled by insecurity and jealousy. To tell you the truth, as i write this i don't feel angry anymore or upset. She's going to call me later tonight because she's studying. Do you think that was my main problem??? Any answer would be appreciated.

[Minagurl]

You're not over reacting ... but this is not healthy for you. You make so many excuses for her that its almost heart breaking. You need to leave this girl and find someone closer to home honey. This is all I can say, whether you do this or not is your choice but it seems to me and the others on this board that shes immature. Go find another girl and live life, stop writing on these boards all sad and scared honey. You need to get another girl.

[J0ey]

Mina - thank you sweety for being so honest. And I'm sure deep inside maybe you're right. There's a girl outthere that would be willing to give more to me than she would. I think of things such as I had to pay for 6 days hotel room when i went to visit instead of her gaining the courage to ask her brothers if i could sleep over. She says she feels uncomfortable asking them that because they never brought girls in the house, but than again they never had a long distance relationship. On top of it she never even told her parents that i was coming (they live further away). I ask myself, would of I done the same thing. No I wouldn't of. So I know you're probably right, but as you know, its easier said than done. I sincerely love this girl and part of me (the bigger part) wants to believe that she doesn't mean to hurt me. I'm gonna try to work things out, I mean i told her how I felt and cried to her on the phone and she was reassuring me that I shouldn't feel like this. Maybe I'm dumb and I should find someone closer to home - but when you love someone, you try to make things work until you can't anymore and I guess that's what i'm going to do. Thank you once again for all your thoughts.

 

joe