Jump to content

Long Distance, Love and Cheating


Recommended Posts

Let me start out by saying this is my first post on this forum. This is kinda a long story, (actually, its really long, lol), but I would really appreciate any help you guys can offer. Thanks in advance!

 

[i started writing this post a couple of days ago, and hadn't finished it, now I think we have resolved the situation, but I would definately like your guys input on this, Thanks!]

 

Now some biography, I am 20 years old, go to college, and i have been dating this girl for a year and a half. She is 17 now (she was 15, me 18 when we started going out). She was my first real girlfriend. Originally, she lived up here with me. We started going out in January of 2002. We started talking to eachother the summer before, primarily online. I met her through one of her friends. We talked allllll the time, and it always felt sooo right when i talked to her. The whole time, I was always thinking how much I liked her, but I thought she didn't like me. But apparantly, it was also vice versa. I thought she was amazingly attractive, easy do talk to, and really really nice. I noticed right away that we had very similar, if not the same, observations on practially everything. I asked her what she got on the Meyer-Briggs personality test, and sure enough, we both got the same, ENTP. I thought this was really really cool. I knew when i talked to her, that I would, and was falling in love with her.

 

For months, we just assumed that we didnt like eachother, when in fact, we were going crazy over eachother. She would wait online for me to come home from school, and I'd sign online, and we'd immediately msg eachother saying #$@#%!@# or something like that. We'd always call eachother sexy, just jokingly. She asked me to tolo, which i thought was really cool. We went, had a great time, but still just as friends. Then one night, me, her, her friend, and my friend were hanging out in my rec room, and i laying on the couch, and she sat on the floor in front of me. I sat there and i looked at her, and i think my friend noticed this all going on. I was just being an idiot, and i put pillows all over myself. My friend goes over to her, picks her up, and lays her down on top of me. To my surprise, she didnt get up. We layed there, talking to eachother for a while, and then for some reason, i decided to do something. I reached around, and put my had on the side of her midriff, and lightly rubbed her tummy. I have no idea why i did that, its not something i would normally go out and do. But, to my surprise, she didnt push my hand away, or get up, or say anything. But instead, she reached back and started rubbing my hair. At this point I was in shock. I couldnt belive it was happening. We did that for a while, and then I had to take her home. Once i got back home, (it was like 1:30 AM), I went online, just to see if she went online. She was, and we talked, and we realized that we really like eachother. I was sooooo excited. I saw her the next night, and we watched a video with friends again. This time we immidiately sat right next to eachother, and I put my hand around her, and we cuddled through the whole video. Then later, me and my friend drove her home, and we sat together in the back of the car, and i kissed her for the first time. The kiss was pretty n00b, but it was expected, lol. We were now going out, and for the next 5 months, I saw her every day except for like 2 days. I made sure to not move to fast, or too slow. We lost our virginity to eachother 3 months after we started going out. Everything was perfect, absolutely perfect. We never got pissed at eachother, we had TONS to talk about, we like the same music, etc...

 

Then, 5 months after we started going out, she had to move. Her mom wanted to move to Texas with her new fiance, and she was making her move down there too. This was devistating. Me and her were sooo scared at what would happen. We decided to keep together, and try the LD thing. She moved down there, and I bought alot of phonecards. We talked every day. I think since we started going out a year and a half ago, we have had like 2 days where we havent talked. I would visit her, or have her visit me pretty much every chance we could get (we probably have visited eachother 6 or 7 times). Every time we see eachother, it is just like it used to be. We are so happy. After her being down there for about 10 months, we both started noticing that we were distancing ourselves from eachother. I noticed she was hanging out with her friends alot, and had very little time to talk to me.

 

One day, she was supposed to call me when she got home from work. I got a call from her house at like 2AM, and It was her mom, looking for her. I told her i had no idea where she was. I talked to her the next day, and she told me she went to hang out with people from work, but, she also told me, taht she kissed a guy from work that night. She wanted to tell me right away, and she said it wasnt good at all. She said she was very sorry. I told her I was really upset about it, but i chose to forgive her. She had been telling me for a couple weeks that she was thinking that maybe we should take a break for a while, until she can move back up here. (she is planning to next spring). I at first hated this idea, i was giving her all this **** about it. Then about a month ago, she told me she met someone down there that she likes. She doesnt want to be his girlfriend, just someone to see to take her mind off of missing me.

 

Oh you can bet how i liked this idea. I got really pissed off. But after a couple days of thinking about it, i told her that i would rather have her happy, than sad. I know that she really likes to cuddle, so I told her that she could cuddle with him. She agreed to this. I told her that I didn't want her fooling around with him though. (I know u guys are all cringing right now, saying that was a dumb idea, and now i realize that)

 

I find out that I have enough skymiles to get her a ticket up here for free. I talk to her, and get the ticket, and she is scheduled to visit me. In the meantime (about 8 days until she comes up here), me and her start getting real short with eachother. I get mad because she is always with her friends, and that new guy, and she gets mad because I wont talk to her about taking a break. She tells me she wants to break up. I tell her that I want to wait until she gets up here. She agrees.

 

Once she gets up here, she seems like she is really glad to see me, we hug, kiss, kinda like we used to. But i get the feeling from her, that she has decided to try not to be in love with me anymore. After being here for a few days, she tells me that she slept with the guy down there, 3 times. When she told me this, I cried for a couple hours. I kept on asking her how she could do that to me. She said that it didnt mean anything, and she would take it back if she could, and that she didnt know that it would hurt me so much. I felt soooooo cheated. I would have nightmares thinking about it.

 

Because she was up here, and i was stilll soooo in love with her, i decided to forgive her for this as well. We fell in love again, and we had sex, and it was great again. A couple days before she had to go back home. We both got scared about what was going to happen. She told me that she was gonna tell the guy down there that she cant do that anymore. I told her that its ok if she wants to hang out with him, but they do anything like that, at all.

 

She went back down there, and then the fact that she cheated on me hit me really hard. I started getting really pissed at her. I told her that I dont know if i could ever forgive her, maybe someday, but not now. I knew me telling her this hurt her. After a couple of days, i realized that what i was doing was being a real a**h***. I knew that i was still totally in love with her, and she is still in love with me. I realized what she didnt like about our relationship, is that i wanted to keep us as bf/gf even through the long distance. For being apart for 2 years, considering that she is 17, I decided that this would be too hard for her to stay in an involved relationship like that.

 

Two nights ago, I talked to her, and I decided that I would be fine with taking time off, if she promised me that she wouldnt see anyone down there. She wouldnt be allowed to fool around at all, and neither would I. She agreed to this. Last night, and this morning, we talked more, and we talked as if we were just friends, and It was sooo much less stressful.

 

I read on this forum (i forgot who said it) that it is really hard for people to fall in/stay in love with eachother, when they cant see eachother from time to time. Not because they cant have sex, but because they cant sit with them, talk in person, hug, kiss... etc. I can totally understand that now. The way I feel about her currently, is a totally different feeling than when I am visiting her. When i am actually standing next to her, we are like, always in physical contact of some sort. And it is suuuuch a different feeling.

 

I talked to a bunch of friends about this, and I have heard alot of opinions on what i should do. I am also realizing that I need to figure this out on my own, but of course input is helpful.

 

I know that some/most of you will tell me to dump her because of what she did, which is completely understandable. But the thing is, I am completely in love with her, and she is with me. We always talked about our plans for the future, and how we want to get married someday, and how we could never imagine ourselves moving out with someone else.

 

Trust me, i have felt ALOT of heartbreak through all of this, but i would still like your guys input on what i am doing. I will be watching the post, thanks alot guys!

 

chaotic

Link to post
Share on other sites

YOU ASK: "... i would still like your guys input on what i am doing."

 

Well, don't keep us in suspense, exactly what is it that you are doing??? Or did I miss something???

 

As far as her cheating, she is a human being and if she isn't around you for a long time she has needs that must be met. Relationships were not meant to be conducted long distance. If that were so, the stork would deliver sperm instead of babies. Relationships are supposed to be with people who are right there. As long as the two of you live apart, there will be big problems here.

 

As far as you telling her what she is or isn't allowed to do when she is away from you...you have a LOT of nerve. She is a free human being and you can bet your butt she's going to do what she needs to do, regardless of what you permit or not permit. She's probably laughing her butt off at you right now...the nerve of you telling her what she can and can't do when you're not around. You keep that up and you don't stand a chance of keeping just about any female, right there where you are or long distance.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

hey now, we had been completely exclusive ever since we started going out. i had never even considered cheating on her, in any way shape or form, not even close, because i knew it would hurt her. i am completely fine with staying faithful to her, but i can see that she is only 17, and she wants other things. i felt devastated when she told me she cheated on me. i told her how i felt, and she told me that she would have never done it if she knew it was going to hurt me to that extent. i do understand what you are saying, but i personally dont think that she needs to be sleeping with other guys. she agrees with me too. the thing she likes to do most, is to hang out and cuddle. i am fine with her doing that, i can understand that, but i really dont want her to fool around. we really think that we can make it through this year, and she will be able to move up here and start over with me.

 

also tony, you said it yourself, in the "How do I trust him??" post;

that if she is cheating on me, she could be bringing back diseases.

now i am not calling you a hypocrite, but that is also another worry that i have

 

i think the best part of what is going on now is how we are way less stressed out over it now, because we consider each other as close friends, not someone we need to be responsible for.

 

thanks for reading my story tony, and of course, i would be glad to hear any other input.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Alright, here's an update on whats been going on.

 

Lately, I was fine with trying to just be friends, and I have been trying to take my mind off her. I realized that I have "love addiction". I think that a big reason why i dont want to break up with her, is that i am really afraid what being without her would be like. But like, last night, i just couldnt understand how she could have cheated on me, and i told her this. She tells me she is sorry, but it doesnt sound sincere to me (lol, but i'm sure my judgement is clouded...).

 

There are a few things i would like to address.

 

I think, my main problem with what I have been thinking is, I pretty much have two sides to my thoughts on this. One side of me, is saying:

 

"Dude, she cheated on you, 3 times. How the hell could she do that to do, if she gave the slightest rats ass about you."

 

The other side of me (my feelings) is telling me:

 

"You love her sooooo much. Do not let things like mistakes screw up the beautiful feelings you had for eachother. If you can make it through this, you will be happy."

 

As you can imagine, this is confusing me about everything. Some people are telling me to follow my heart. Others are telling me to not let her get away with that crap. So i guess lately i have been settling for switching back and forth (I now realize that that definately wont work).

 

 

I ask her why she wants time off, and sometimes she says its because she doesnt want to have to be in a relationship with me, thinking about me all the time, and being away from me. Sometimes though, she doesnt really reply, she says "i dunno" (which translates to "i wanna screw other guys" in my mind.) I would be fine with taking a break if i knew her intentions were "good" and she was just saying that. But all this uncertainty just really pisses me off.

 

 

I think that i am being too mean sometimes, and i also think i am being not mean enough at times. But someone told me last night, that (I have been talking to her like 3 times a day) that i should take time off from talking to her alltogether, and i totally agree. I sit here and think up what i should do, and i get my ducks all in a row, then i talk to her, and it just demolishes everything ive come to.

 

 

Please guys, i need some help on what i should do, as of now, i am gonna tell her that i need some time to think. Good? Bad? Tell me please, thanks!

 

chaotic

Link to post
Share on other sites

Let me tell you something. When you're in a long distance relationship, there are two things that a couple's supposed to have: trust and love. Without trust there's no love and without love there's no trust. She has broken you're trust and you have to think to yourself can you deal with knowing that she might be with some other dude as you sit home thinking about her? I couldn't deal with it. I couldn't trust my girlfriend anymore no matter how much i loved her. She took something special that you've had together and decided to share it with someone else. I hate to sound like this, but I know in my relationship, if my girl would ever cheat on me-it's over. I've told my gf that it's better that we break up instead of me or you finding out that one of us has cheated on each other. After all that we've gone through, we owe each other that. I'm not trying to say that the girl doesn't care for you, but i personally don't believe that she's mature enough for you. Don't be treated like a floor matt - you're better than that and her - it's her loss not yours. I'm telling you this because I see some of you in me. I love my girlfriend to death but cheating is where I draw the line. In a LD relationship, there are sacrifices to be made, and if one person is doing all the sacrifices, then it does the relationship absolutely no good. Get out now before you drive yourself nuts my friend.

 

Joe

Link to post
Share on other sites

Also, u wrote

The other side of me (my feelings) is telling me:

 

"You love her sooooo much. Do not let things like mistakes screw up the beautiful feelings you had for eachother

 

The key words you wrote were You love her sooooo much - a relationship is not one loving the other, it's both people loving each other.

 

Joe

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Joey, I definatley see what you are saying. I really wish it could be that easy. I know that you feel strongly that i should just cut it off with her, and that is very understandable. Let me show you my current viewpoint, and i would definatly like your feedback.

 

She told me that she had no idea how much that would hurt me (of course i took that with a grain of salt), and she said she doesnt want to, and will not fool around with anyone else again. I of course am questioning how much I can trust her (she really sounds sincere to me, but of course i have to be fair to myself). She told me that if she was up here with me, she would have never cheated on me (and i am pretty sure she means that). But right now, she will have to stay down there for another year. Then she can move back up here.

 

So I have to make a decision, weather or not to

 

A: Stay in the relationship, and trust that she wont be with anyone else, or

 

B: Take time off until she moves back up here.

 

I think that I will probably do option B, not because I want to see other people, but because I feel like I am really in love with her, and I do want a chance at spending my life with her, but for the time being, I think we should just cool it, and start over again once she moves up here. Staying together right now seems to just be ruining our relationship that we have.

 

Now remember, this is my first serious girlfriend, and I dont know how either option would work out, but thats just what I think for the time being.

 

I would LOVE to hear more input from you guys on what you think I should do. I am getting lots of mixed replys from all my friends about it, but most of them are leaning towards option B, which I can understand.

 

Also, I told her that I needed a couple days to think, and when I told her this she got very scared. I think that in the back of her mind, she always thought she would have me (probably cuz i was soooooo nice to her all the time, and called her constantly). But now that I am showing her that I am not fixated on her, she is realizing that I wont always be there if she ****s up again.

 

TELL ME WHAT U THINK GUYS!

 

chaotic

Link to post
Share on other sites

Chaotic, I would also choose option B - i think i would need time time off and by the looks of it, she might need it too. It's true, since you've always been there for her, she never expected you to turn away from her. She probably thought that you would stay with her no matter what. The whole thing about not knowing how much it would hurt you is bs. I would take time off but at the same time, don't stop looking-you shouldn't go in isolation for a year and keep yourself reserved for her. Let the wind carry you wherever it goes. If you find something better (which you will, there are plenty of girls that would never ever cheat on you) don't hesitate to take that leap. She was unfair to you and acted very very selfish. Last thing when someone cheats on you, the first time is the hardest. It just gets easier after that. I know things are easier said than done, just know that there are people who feel for you and don't be blinded by your heart. Take the facts and let it sink in-she messed around with some other dude and said she didn't think it would hurt you. Now she's scared to be hurt herself.

 

Joe

 

By the way-after three times she knows what she was doing. I'm not trying to make you feel bad my friend, im just trying to help you see and in truth, only you can unblind yourself. It hurts and its going to hurt no matter what. Get rid of this girl and start getting your life back together.

 

One more thing, she says if she was there with you she wouldn't of cheated on you. As life goes, she's not always going to be there with you. Is that gonna give her an excuse to go mess with other guys? Can you deal with that, thinking everynight that she might be out with someone else cause you're not there? Dude, i spent 2 summers without my girlfriend-about 4 months each summer, and i'm a good looking guy. I've had girls hit on me and you know what, i've always thought about my girlfriend and managed to make it clear that I had a girlfriend and that was final. I mean, come on-what are we five? What we don't see doesn't exist? I've never cheated on my girlfriend and I would never no matter what. Obviously she was thinking with her eyes and not her heart - do you want someone like that?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Yeah Joey, i really do see what u mean. The thing is, she was thinking that we were already breaking up. She thought that she was going to have to move on either way. She had been saving herself for me for the last year, and things were getting short between us. I hadn't been calling her as much as I used to, cuz I always was at work. I now realize how depressed she has been getting the last few months as well. She says she cant go without at least being my friend, because she loves me, which I can understand. I look back at what I am typing, and it sounds like bull****, but i have to say, that I am horrible at explaining things they way they are, lol. She told me that when she moves up here, and if we are still together (or back together), she would promise to be faithful, and never do anything like that again, and i really do belive her. But yea, she says that she wants to be friends, and she says that she wont see anyone, but I can. I was like, whoa? lol. I dunno what to do about that one, but yea, maybe she wants to just give me a "get out of jail free" card, so we can be on the same level. I dunno. Any other input would be great, thanks!

 

chaotic

Link to post
Share on other sites

chaotic - bro dunno what to say to you~i've been down sometimes when i'm not with my gf but i've never cheated on her-and even if i thought we were breaking up, i wouldn't go out and hookup with someone else (that's a pretty quick rebound). There's nothing I can say to make you realize what she did. It's something you have to see for yourself. You shouldn't be making excuses for her. And this "get out of jail" free card or whatever sounds sketchy. Could be a guilt thing or could be another way of telling you she's not gonna stop what she's doing even though she tells you she is or both. Anyways, a relationship is not about owing someone something (a hookup). All i can tell you bro is good luck with yourself and try not to be blinded by the small things, because they're are always the biggest.

 

Regards,

 

Joe

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Joey:

 

Belive me, I do see what you are saying, i really do. She just seems like she truly feels like she screwed up. If she is sincere, and wont ever do this to me again, of course I can forgive and forget mistakes. We have to consider that we are both young and stupid. But of course I am looking at it through your viewpoint. I am taking everything on a "I'll belive it when I see it" stance for now at least. I told her that she has to regain my trust completely if she wants to make this work, and she said she wants to try. Thanks alot Joe, you have been really helpful, and i will always keep your remarks in mind as i go through this. Thanks!

 

chaotic

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...