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LDR break up. Female perspective ?!


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Sorry this might be long winded. I'm writing it to vent as much as anything else.So it's been a week since my girlfriend broke up with me. We had been together for around 15 months. I am English and 22, she is cuban-american (lives in the US) and is 19.

 

 

We managed to see each other about every 2 weeks. We would talk everyday for hours, and never got bored. She was perfect for me and I was for her.

Everything was perfect up until christmas time when I was visiting her. We had a few petty arguments, nothing major, and the rest of the time it was great. Then in Easter we had an argument over skype that was my fault and she didn't speak to me for a week, telling me that she had reached her 'boiling point' about arguing over stupid things. I had to plead for her to hear my reasons for being argumentative (distance and possibility of moving there to study etc were stressing me out) ..we talked and worked it out and from then on it was fine again. But that week of ignoring me worried me..

 

Then it came to May, I was visiting again. As she has strict parents, she told them I was staying at a hostel I had stayed at before as they wouldn't like the idea of me being alone with her (even though I had stayed with her dad at his place, but no longer could as he had moved). Things were great up until the day her mother found out that I was staying in an apartment, not a hostel as her best friend accidently let slip when her mum was worried and couldn't get in contact with her. Her parents then found out that we had been intimate and berated her about morals and values etc.

 

She was 'grounded' for the last 5 days of my stay. I was annoyed because she wouldn't call her dad to tell him I wanted to talk to him to clear things up, because they were saying nasty things about me, like I probably thought she was some slut in Miami that I wasn't all that serious about. (After all the money i'd spent on flights etc...!?)

 

Anyway, she wouldn't call him and she was just sat at home doing nothing. Then on my last day she was allowed to take me to the airport. She did and we had a chat about stuff. She said that she wanted things to just go back to normal and for everything to calm down..she cried when I left.....

 

Then, I got back home and things were ok, we were chatting everyday as usual, happy and stuff, it was all good. However I did say to her that all I wanted was for her to be open and honest with me. She told me she didn't want to lie about anything anymore and after long conversations she came clean that she was actually born in cuba and moved to the US when she was 10. I had been under the impression she was born in the US all along. Also, I found out from her friend that her ex had text her occasionally, and she had text back. She swore on numerous times she wasn't in contact with him, and I told her I knew and she then came clean about that. But didn't tell me because it would make me angry. I am 95% that what happened isn't to do with her ex, as they left on good terms and she would tell her best friend if she had feelings for him etc etc..

 

Then after 2 weeks of being home, and after all the lies came out and we'd talked about it all, everything was fine and we seemed happy.. We were supposed to talk, but she wasnt online, so I text her asking her if she was around, and she said 'hey no i had to go out' .. i knew something was wrong because that is not like her... she is usually all lovey and sweet. Anyway, the next day I text her again saying whats the matter, she said go on skype, i went on skype, and she told me that she wanted a break, that she felt suffocated, that she wanted time to herself and that too much stuff had happened between us.. I was like ok that's fine, I asked if there was anyone else and she said no, i asked if she loved me and isaid just tell me honestly, she said yes but she needed time to herself. Then I said is it goodbye forever and she said it's goodbye for now.

Then the next day, she changed her facebook to single and her picture. I spoke to her friend who told me that she hadn't told anyone that she was going to do it before she did it and the friend also said that she told her she needed space etc..

 

I text her asking to talk for 5 mins just so I could get some closure, to understand. she didn't reply. I called once and she didnt answer. So a few days after I sent an email saying that it was probably for the best and everything is ok im not mad or anything..it said a few other things like oh if you need to sort out what you want thats fine etc. I do agree that a break would have been good. But it seems like she has just cut me out of her life and that's it. Her friend has told me again that she is shocked that she did it and she doesn't know what's going on.

 

Various people i've spoken to said that she's very young and doesn't know what she wants, and probably after all the lying she would feel like having a break from everything...

 

From a girls logic, does this make sense? What do her actions after the split indicate? Is it over for good? How do I play things now?

Basically your thoughts. She is a lovely sweet girl but is a bit selfish as she's an only child. When we are together we are very close.

I'm so sorry this is long I made it as brief as I could. If you want to ask anything just ask.

Thank you again for responding to those that do :)

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StarrySkyBlue

First thing to keep in mind is that you both are still very young. She's still in her teens! Maybe she isn't sure what she wants right now. I'm in a cross-cultural LDR myself and I can tell you that it's very, very hard, especially when your parents don't approve of it. LDRs are hard work -- and at 19, with all the world out there, all the freedom and fun to be had, she isn't sure if the effort is worth it.

 

Yes, it makes sense from a girl's logic -- although a rather immature one. I'm afraid there's nothing you can do right now, because it would be unfair to yourself to wait around for this girl to think things through. You need to ask yourself what you want, and I think you should try to move on. Remain friends with her if you want, provided that you can do it without getting hurt. Could it also be that she wasn't as serious about the relationship as you were? Maybe she was just looking for good times -- someone she liked to spend time together doing fun things. When the complications started, it hit her hard and she was overwhelmed, because she was not prepared to deal with all the messy stuff that serious relationships can entail.

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(It says in my post that we see each other every 2 weeks, but it should be months)

 

Thanks for replying..and to what you said:

She told me she felt suffocated and that all she seemed to do was go to work and talk to me, and she didn't know who she was anymore and why she lied about things. Also how she hasn't had a break from relationships for 3 years..I asked her to be honest if she loved me and she said yes... so doesn't love conquer all? I can completely understand her wanted a bit of breathing room, but to end the relationship completely? Is that what she's thinking?

 

She is the kind of girl that enjoys a steady long term relationship, she doesn't float from guy to guy and she has always given me so much of her time and love, right up until she said she wanted a break.

 

Is she seeing what life is like without me, or am I in the past now?

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StarrySkyBlue

I think it's too hard to tell at the moment, because it seems like she is totally confused about what to do with her life. One thing, though, is that she asked for a break, not a break-up. Maybe she just needs time to figure things out on her own. I do think you need to discuss with her what this 'break' means -- how long it's going to last, what the terms are (e.g. are you allowed to see other people or do you stay faithful but need some 'alone time'). Her answer will reveal more about what she is thinking.

 

Hope this helps! :)

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