new LDR, all uncertain. but i am sure i love him

[purplehouse]

So been with my boyfriend for 6 months. Knew and liked each other for 1 year prior to getting together... instant attraction, everything flowed easily into a nice little relationship.

 

I recall looking up at him one day after knowing him for about 4 months and thinking "this is the man i want to marry" (even though i am not overly fussed on getting married)

 

So 5 months into official status he gets a call and has been offered a transfer to another store (we worked together) 1500kms away. (17 hour drive or 1 hour flight)

 

he had 2 weeks to get organised and left on the 14th of march.

 

He told me leaving me was extremely hard and he almost turned around, but this opportunity was something he had to try. He moved to a town that he loves and always envisioned himself living there since he was 16. Of course i was heart broken. I could not follow due to having a 50/50 care arrangement with my children's father.

 

 

So he has been gone almost 3 weeks and i miss him like crazy. I think i have grown to love him since i met hin in Oct 2008.... he tells me i am 'his girl' and that he wants to give this a good go.

 

 

But our future is so uncertain. Now that he is there he says he is not sure he can stay and live there and that he has changed since he was last there.

 

He said it's mostly me and that i am hat has made it all so hard to do because he really likes me....

 

 

I think he might come back.....he wants to fly here as often as possible (cheap flights) and he wants me to go there.

 

He said there is plenty of room for me and my kids....

 

He is possibly coming to stay for a few days in 2 or 3 weeks time.

 

But he is the type to see what happens, i am the type to make a plan and make that happen. I don't want to sit and 'wait and see', i mean he is worth it but i want to work toward being together again one day. He doesn't know what he is doing for sure, but he thinks he may not stay there forever now like he was going to.

 

 

im so lost....

[ADF]

LDR are almost always a bad idea. They usually end badly, with lots of anxiety and grief and heartache before the final, inevitable split. However, 2 things can make an LDR worth pursuing:

 

1) The couples is already well-established. You two have that going for you.

 

2) The seperation time needs to be clearly defined and short. This is what you need to work on now. Close the distance between you asap. If you can do that, I think you have a real chance.

[Rollercoasterr]

That's funny since my LDR has worked out and we are neither of those things. So have some of the other LDR's on this forum. But that's not what this thread is about, so I'll leave it at that.

 

 

OP,

 

If the two of you really want to make this work you can. But make sure you know what you're going into. You have to trust him 1000% and he has to trust you. You must communicate and communicate WELL. And above all else you must be serious about each other and about the relationship and be in love enough to want it to work no matter what the cost.

 

LDR's are not a walk in the park. They are far from easy. But if you're ready and willing, support him wherever his travels may take him and he'll support you too. Know that LDR's aren't the end of the world, even though a lot of people that come here think that. It just means that you have to find other ways of expressing your love and you have to cherish every moment you have with each other.

 

Oh, and don't listen to the naysayers. Only YOU know how your story will end. LDR's fail, but so do IRL relationships. Saying that one has a higher percentage than the other is just silly, unless someone wants to show me hard facts, complete with sources.

 

Talk to him and ask him if he's ready for all of this stuff mentally(with the relationship). Also talk to him about where he sees himself in 10 years and tell him to be completely honest with his answers. This may help you.

[ADF]

That's funny since my LDR has worked out and we are neither of those things. So have some of the other LDR's on this forum. But that's not what this thread is about, so I'll leave it at that.

 

Yes, I know there are exceptions. There always are a few. I wish we could just have an understanding about that, rather than having to state it over and over and over again. I would say you were lucky. What is interesting to me is how defensive people in LDRs are about their choices. It is like they know on some primal level that the odds are against them, and get angry when someone points it out.

[purplehouse]

Thanks for your replies..

 

 

If i knew for sure he was coming back it would be much easier. At this stage he has to at least finish out his 6 month lease. He is trying to get into one of the local mill jobs that pays more and allows more days off at a time so he has more time to come and visit.

 

He can't say for sure if he is coming back, but says that meeting me has changed things and that he is not sure if he wants to live there forever... although he is enjoying the fishing up there and pretty much is either out on his boat or working.

 

 

If i ask him where he sees himself in 10 years time i honestly don't think he knows... he is not much of a planner. LIkes to see what happens etc etc..

 

It takes him a year at least before knowing if he loves someone, and he purposely tries not to get too attached incase of getting hurt. He did tell me he is very attached to me though.

 

 

 

A few years ago he was with a girl for 2.5 years (they grew up together and had known each other for a long time) and he was offered a similar opportunity to live in this place that he loves up north. He turned it down for the girl but always wondered. He said that he chose going over me, but he had to do it this time but that there is no comparison between this girl and I...

 

 

This week i find out when he is coming to visit. Hopefully after being together again he might decide.

[Rollercoasterr]

Yes, I know there are exceptions. There always are a few. I wish we could just have an understanding about that, rather than having to state it over and over and over again. I would say you were lucky. What is interesting to me is how defensive people in LDRs are about their choices. It is like they know on some primal level that the odds are against them, and get angry when someone points it out.

 

 

We state it over and over again because naysayers state it over and over again. Every time someone new comes to the forums naysayers have to march right on in and say that LDR's don't work, when obviously they do. Do you honestly think that someone who comes to the forums wants to automatically hear that their relationship is going to fail? A big heck no to that. Sure, it might, but what people come here for is advice and for other peoples experiences with them. THAT'S why we state it over and over and over because for every person that says they fail, there's always a relationship to prove them wrong. And it's important for OP's to hear that. They need to hear that relationships like this can and DO work. It may be hard and need work but it's possible.

 

OP, give him a little bit of time but don't stress him out over it. If you back someone into a wall they are going to try and get out anyway they can. All you can do is show him how awesome and supportive you are and make every visit the best you can. If you show him that you can stay with him through this, then he knows that you can do anything, and in turn you can do anything together. Who knows, maybe once his 6 months lease is up he'll come running back home, eager to be with you for good.