long distance friend for 7 years.

[foxyroxy_msu83]

ok, so hello, i am new to this website and am looking for advice, any that anyone can give me. to start off, i am a 26 year old woman with 2 kids and a good husband whom i do love. we do not have a troubled marriage at all and get along very well. my problem is this:

 

about 7 years ago in college i met a man online in a chat room. i was just goofing around talking to everyone. i am from the mid us and he is from europe. we started talking and have been really really good friends since. our relationship is very difficult to explain. we used to talk for hours a day over the phone and instant messenger. he would always call me on sundays when i got off from work. it has been more of a friend thing with us, but i honesly have always had feelings for him. i was single when we met as was he. we both wanted more than friend ship at the time but when we would talk about it, the logical thing was to not rush things because we lived so far from each other and that it would almost be impossible. well, we continuted to be friends, though it hurt me a little. he treated me very well, and was ALWAYS telling me how he could only talk to me about everything and that he has never had a friend he trusted as much as he did me. well, at first you think "psycho" he is trying to lure you into a murderous trap, but it just isnt like that. we were just really close and i never REALLY saw our friendship growing into anything more. we lost touch after about 1 year and a half of talking everday. we dated other people and always discussed it openly with each other so soon he met a woman and was in a relationship with her for 6years and my husband and i have been together for 5 years. over the past several years we have only spoke a couple of times. it seemed to me like he just dropped off the face of the earth, and i had so much going on, i suppose it seemed i had done the same thing to him. well, about 2 months ago, he added me as a friend on facebook and weve been talking again, only this time its different. we talk a lot and we have told each other how nice it is and how much we really missed the other person. he recenly went through a divorce and is not totally unhappy but i can tell he feels like something is missing. he married a total nightmare and it took him 6 years to realize it. anyway, longer story short, since we are talking again, he has told me he is coming here to finally meet me the first part of the year. we used to talk about meeting before but it just never happened. now that im older and have more relationship experience i realize that men just dont talk to women for hours on end. especially when they have buddies over at their house for a party and they just call to say hello. we talk about everything. about life and how much we still have in common. he thinks ive grown into an amazing woman and i think he is very very special. he called me last weekend, terribly upset about something, and was a little drunk also, he wanted me advice on something. and it was no little something, it was a big major lifee changing decision he had to make and he said the first person he thought to call was me and that he just couldnt talk to anyone else about it, even his parents, whom hes really close to. he worried me that night, we talked for several hours over nothing it seems so the next day i wrote him to tell him what i though he should do. i always seem to make him feel better and i know hes going through a rough time, but im totally in love with him. its not fair, because ive told him if i could have been with him before i would have given anything and i wouldnt have this situation on my hands. hes also shy and doesnt let his emotions show very well so i honesly dont know how he feels. he acts like he does the way he says things and we flirt alot. he wants me to be happy in life and tells me i have it all. i just want to yell at him and say that its him i want, eventhough i love my husband and i would never ever think of cheating on him. i missed him for so long im so afraid to ask him if he loves me in fear that he will run feeling that hes messing up my life. thats just who he is. i have told him i love him before, but he is one of those that thinks love takes time, and i mean lots of time. please help. any advice will be welcome.

[Unistudent]

Wow I do not envy your situation.

 

So you love both your husband and this man?

 

If you really do love your husband I wouldn't be meeting up with your friend if I were you... because if you also love him then... I don't know I would be afraid of what might happen once you guys meet up. Your emotions might take control and you could do something that you might regret.

 

Seems to me like your looking at the whatif's... and maybe that is why this attraction is so strong?

 

What does you husband think about this man? Does he know anything about it?

 

The main question for you to think about is; Do you want to break up your family for this guy? Because I think that is what might happen if you decide to keep up this relationship with this guy.

 

You also say that you wouldn't ever cheat on your husband... but aren't you already kind of cheating on him? I know not physically but... it seems like you have another relationship going on outside of your marriage.

[foxyroxy_msu83]

i am just confused, and yes my husband does know about this man. they from what i can tell respect each other. they have spoke over the phone a few times. we are just friends at this point, and i do want more, but i also dont know if i want to break up my family either. im very reserved in some things, and i do not feel i would like i would let things get out of hand if he was to come here. and you are right, i already feel like i am cheating somewhat. i do love my husband but i also feel like something has been missing since we got married, i dont know if its passion, common interest or what. thanks for your input.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

You are simply getting yourself in way over your head.

 

Indeed you have built some of the great elements of internet friendships with this far-away person, and it is better simply beCAUSE you've been so far away, for so long.

 

He as an individual is presently wounded by the ex-wife, and is looking for something to cling to in order to woo himself out of the period of hurting so he can move on in life. (that is not your responsibility)

 

You, on the other hand, evolved away from this long-distance friendship, and chose a husband, and made some commitments to that husband, and basically to yourself as well.

 

I really do understand the value of this friendship you have with the long-distance guy, and I probably understand it much better than most.

 

But in your present situation, you are very soon to make the grave mistake that would be to compare your 70%-perfect husband with the 99%-perfect man you've not even met.

 

Of course you have the numbers wrong, but I know that is what you're seeing.

 

Most of what you gained from that long-distance friendship, during some really important times in your earlier life, was substance which you actually gave to yourself. The man across the pond did no more than happily listen to a vulnerable young woman, as many men would do. It was you yourself who dared to speak/write directly on topics so personal that you wouldn't casually share them with various people too near to your real world. But in allowing yourself to get comfortable as you did, it kept you from hurting as much when you were hurting. It let you feel even more happy when able to report exciting news to someone who had always seemed to listen and care. And you got to feel some sense of his compassion when you had bad or disappointing news to report. But most of the substance for you in all of that, WAS 'you'.

 

Now you are in danger of letting yourself trade something real, for something that was mostly 'you', doing something for 'yourself', with this random-type male as your inspiration.

 

If you were stronger, you'd tell the overseas guy that you won't see him, and that's that. You'd explain that you are content in your marriage, and nothing more would need to be said.

 

But what is very probably going to happen, is him coming there, and being fairly assertive with you, pushing you to have to make a choice.

 

Your husband trusts you, and he trusts what you say and describe about this "old friend" potentially visiting you and that it will be harmless. For that reason your husband's guard may be way down, otherwise he'd have enough sense to anticipate all of this and inspire you to not allow the guy to come to visit you.

[foxyroxy_msu83]

You are simply getting yourself in way over your head.

 

 

But in your present situation, you are very soon to make the grave mistake that would be to compare your 70%-perfect husband with the 99%-perfect man you've not even met.

 

Of course you have the numbers wrong, but I know that is what you're seeing.

 

Most of what you gained from that long-distance friendship, during some really important times in your earlier life, was substance which you actually gave to yourself. The man across the pond did no more than happily listen to a vulnerable young woman, as many men would do. It was you yourself who dared to speak/write directly on topics so personal that you wouldn't casually share them with various people too near to your real world. But in allowing yourself to get comfortable as you did, it kept you from hurting as much when you were hurting. It let you feel even more happy when able to report exciting news to someone who had always seemed to listen and care. And you got to feel some sense of his compassion when you had bad or disappointing news to report. But most of the substance for you in all of that, WAS 'you'.

 

i do not feel that this is at all accurate of our relationship, i do not in any way find him to be almost perfect or 99% perfect and do not feel my husband is only 70% perfect. no one is and you cannot judge any relationship on things like that, i just know that i am not as happy as i used to be when my husband and i first met. it may sound stupid, but i just dont think im "in love" with him nor am i sure if i ever really have been. and about the substance thing, i dont share too much unless asked because i simply just dont. i honesly feel like he shares a lot more with me emotionally than i do him. and i am not affraid to talk about personal details to those around me, and i also think that all friendships are like this in regards to "being there for one another". if what you say about this substance comming only from me, then that would be true in all friendships and no one would be a truely honest and good person.

[Unistudent]

I agree with a lot of what SincereOnlineGuy posted.

 

I would be really careful if you do meet up with him when he comes down. Just watch your alcohol intake because that can break down any inhibitions that you may have had going into this meeting. Maybe bring your husband along since they seem to get along... just as a back up to remind yourself that you are married and really shouldn't do anything until you are out of the marriage.

 

So again since you are now saying that you may not be inlove with your husband anymore... you should probably consider your life and in what direction you want it to go. Look at the responsibilities you have right now (to your children) and how it will affect them and the rest of your family if you do decide to pursue a relationship with your friend.

 

If you do get a divorce and start dating this friend will he be moving to your area? Just as SincereOnlineGuy said you don't really know your friend THAT well... since you haven't lived with him before or anything like that.

 

So really I am just saying be really careful about what you decide here. On one end it will break your husbands heart and maybe cause some friction between you and your children.

 

Good luck to you.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

 

i do not feel that this is at all accurate of our relationship, i do not in any way find him to be almost perfect or 99% perfect and do not feel my husband is only 70% perfect. no one is and you cannot judge any relationship on things like that, i just know that i am not as happy as i used to be when my husband and i first met. it may sound stupid, but i just dont think im "in love" with him nor am i sure if i ever really have been. and about the substance thing, i dont share too much unless asked because i simply just dont. i honesly feel like he shares a lot more with me emotionally than i do him. and i am not affraid to talk about personal details to those around me, and i also think that all friendships are like this in regards to "being there for one another". if what you say about this substance comming only from me, then that would be true in all friendships and no one would be a truely honest and good person.

 

 

I don't know how to repeat the same things, and get you to really consider them before you make a decision which will affect the rest of your life!!

 

"All friendships" are certainly NOT like this. Imagine yourself, growing up in a small town of 2700 people... and there are perhaps 8 girls your age in the vicinity.

 

As soon as you confide to that depth in "Sally", you run the giant risk of one day not far off having a spat with her, and then her violating your confidences to "Rachel", to "Janet", to "Abigail", and to "Erin".

 

The friendship you shared with the overseas guy was yours alone. Were he ever out of line, you could click "off" and be rid of him. If he got mad at you, he could not contact "Rachel" or "Sally", or "Janet, so your confidences were much safer in him.

 

Heeeeeeeeeeeee doesn't deserve too much credit for that safety, it was just inherent in the medium through which your friendship evolved.

 

I have seen this entire scenario play-out a zillion times online and then to real life, and I also know that males, generally, are always in-line for you! They just don't DO the 'sweet, wonderful friendship' thing so selflessly.

 

This guy is coming to you to make a pass at you, romantically, one way or another.

 

Now I neither care, nor do I have a stake in what you do about/in-response to that, but it is insane thinking to not accept that the guy's intent is along those general lines.

 

You are in a situation much like a young couple in the early 1950's (Think "Happy Days" if you want to)... You can either have the serious talk about sex and birth control while walking home from school in the daylight, fully dressed, and 300 yards from your mother, OR you can have the talk about sex and birth control while you are sitting in the back of a DeSoto, watching the submarine races, having steamed up the windows, and both naked from the waist up.

 

 

Now, do you want a head-start on resolving this most important decision you are about to make? Or do you want to ignore this warning and wait until the man is on your doorstep, and your spouse is upstairs asleep, or the like?

 

The personal familiarity you and the overseas man share will only speed-up the path toward the moment of reckoning.

[foxyroxy_msu83]

ok so i do agree with the both of you on much of this but i have questions about it that i just cant let go. maybe i just do not understand men as much as i though i did after all these years because i honesly do not think this man is just comming here to make a pass at me. i trust him as a friend and think that at most hes comming here to see if there is anything between us which there may not be though im secretly hoping there is. and you may be right about him coming here to make a pass, but he hasnt said ANYTHING about it to me. hes acting like we are just good friends who have a lot in common. like i said, i do love him but i do not know what that love is whether is be only friendship or else and i NEED to find out for many reasons. peace of mind, is just one of them. i do not want to spend the rest of my life on the what if's with this. ive done that so many times and there are so many things i regret not doing or regret missing my chances on. you are right that i do not know him THAT well, although i feel that i know a lot more about him than i do any of my friends and actually my huband to a certain extent. i dont drink alcohol very often so intoxication will not be an issue. im fairly level headed in life but this has just got me messed up right now. as i said before im just not as happy as i want to be in my marriage. hes a good man, just there is no passion and hasnt been for a long time. im bored and even if there is nothing with the overseas guy im sure my marriage will sadly only last a while longer. its nothing counseling can fix, i think its just to the point where i dont want to try anymore. which is very very sad, but he quit trying a long time ago. so i guess my bottom question to this post is:

 

is this guy really ONLY coming here to make a pass at me or is it possible that he just wants to spend time with a good friend, which is pretty much what he says we will be doing?

[TMichaels]

... so i guess my bottom question to this post is: is this guy really ONLY coming here to make a pass at me or is it possible that he just wants to spend time with a good friend, which is pretty much what he says we will be doing?

 

Sorry foxyroxy, I don't buy the fact that's your bottom line question at all. You're just looking for someone to tell you that it's okay to continue to have an affair with this guy, emotional or otherwise.

 

If you honestly aren't happy in your marriage, then get out of it FIRST and then throw yourself at this guy or whomever else you think is "more exciting" than the man you are married to now. Anything less is unfair, selfish, deceitful and cruel.

 

Somehow I doubt, however, you will have the integrity to do the right thing. You seem to think your happiness is the only thing that counts, and that others, especially your husband and children, are just insignificant collateral damage along the way.

 

Instead of asking for advice here in this forum, you should be seeking counseling to figure out why it is you're so compelled to destroy your marriage and the lives of your children, by chasing after a fantasy with a man you've never even met.

 

Good luck to you.

 

TMichaels

Edited December 2, 2009 by TMichaels

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Your two choices are as follows:

 

 

1. Value your marriage now

 

 

2. Try to retreat to a point where you would begin to value your marriage from a place where another man has penetrated you vaginally (fingers would count).

[Unistudent]

I agree with TMichaels.

 

Before you do anything... and that includes meeting your overseas friend ALONE (meet with him if you bring your husband along too) you will need to divorce your husband. This way you will prevent the rift that would indefinitely be created in your family if you choose to cheat (any more than you already have) on your husband.

 

If you don't do this your children will suffer from it.

 

It really isn't fair to your husband for you to wait and see if there is something between you and this man before you decide to break it off or not.

 

So really if you are done in the marriage then just file for a divorce. Then you will be semi-free (children responsibilities) to go and do the things that you regret not doing while single.

 

Take the safe/slightly longer route. It will pay off in the end.