Unistudent Posted November 29, 2009 Share Posted November 29, 2009 Hello everyone, So I recently got out of a long relationship (close to 9 years) and realized after I initiated no contact that I wasted about 5 years of my life with her and stuck with her for the wrong reasons. About a month after figuring that out I met a girl online... I wasn't really looking for a relationship or anything... just some conversation. Anyways we got to talking and after awhile of talking I actually started to care about her a lot. One night I told her blatantly that I thought she was great and she then told me that she really liked me too. We talked for at least more than 8 hours a day for a week or two... school started getting busy for me so I couldn't do that anymore so we talked a little bit less but our feelings for one another really started to grow. She told me how she was feeling and I told her that I was feeling the same way. Both of us had never done anything like this online before so we didn't really know what to do. I suggested talking to family and friends and explaing to them the situation and getting some advice on what to do. I will give a little information on where we are each from. Her timezone is +5 hours from my own... so she is really far away. I am in north america and she is in the UK region. She is younger than me... quite a bit really. I am 25 and she is 19. She originally told me that she was older... but than changed it later on and told me that it was due to her being a young mother and she didn't want people to judge her based on the age that she had her baby. So I felt a little deceived/angry at that point... since I had made a connection with her thinking that she was closer to my age... and at that point I had strong feelings for her so I really couldn't do anything about it. People have told me that it isn't that big of a deal but sometimes it still bothers me. Anyways... So I talked to my family and friends and she did the same. Just about all my friends advised against starting up a relationship... mostly because of the distance between us and somewhat because they thought I was rebounding from my last relationship. I took about two weeks thinking about what to do... or how to even break things off now. I thought to myself that I just had to tell her I couldn't talk to her anymore because it was too hard. One night I tried to say goodbye to her... I wrote it all down and pressed enter... it hurt but it also felt somewhat right. She wrote back "ouch... I didn't think that it would hurt that much". We then kept on talking... and really asked each other if this what we really wanted to do... just initiate no contact so we could get over eachother. We ultimately couldn't do it... we didn't want any whatif's in our lives and decided that we wanted to see where this would go no matter what. The worst thing about it all is that right when we decided that... about a few days later she ended up moving and has been without internet since then (about 16 days ago). She has been getting to a computer every day to send me an email so we can chat back and forth that way. I have never done anything like this before. I was extremely surprised by the connection that I felt with her after a few days of talking. I was talking to other people around the same time so I know it was something different and unique. Our feelings for one another have grown so so strong and so fast. It is kind of scary how strong they are already. Is the 'honeymoon' period of a relationship possible when you haven't even met the person face to face? I am really confused by this whole situation because I really didn't want a relationship... I wanted to be single again for the first time in a long time... but then this happened and I just couldn't ignor it. So my main questions are... Is this really worth it? Are there success stories for relationships that have this kind of distance? Is the age gap a big deal? We have talked about her coming to visit me here... and I guess that will be the real deciding factor on if there is a future for us or not... Oh yeah our chat was a vid chat so we know what each other looks like. She makes me really happy and apparently I do the same thing for her... it is just such a confusing situation. Any advice/suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thank you so much Link to post Share on other sites
oxfordsocks Posted November 29, 2009 Share Posted November 29, 2009 Well i think your old enough to make your own decisions. i do believe that you can't just have an online realationship in inself--although in history many great romances started out from letter writing. I think you will have to meet as there are so many "in person" things that may come into play Trust me --people in person look different--ever so slightly then on video or cam meet and then start to make and form plans and opinions for yourself--good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
JaggedRoad Posted November 29, 2009 Share Posted November 29, 2009 Since I've been in this situation before, I advise you to not start any sort of romantic relationship with her until you two can visit each other regularly. I live in New York, and my ex lives in the UK as well. What you described is almost exactly what I went through at the beginning barring the child. And yes, it is definitely possible to be in the honeymoon stage even when you have not physically met the person. She's doing what she does now (talking to you at every chance she gets) because she is in a bad situation. She is a 19-year-old single mother and probably does not have much of a social life, so she is using you and the connection she made with you as a way to escape from her situation. What will happen to that connection when she starts being more sociable? Is she going to feel the same towards you and the bond you two have made when that happens? I can't say that she does not have any genuine feelings for you, but take caution. She already told you a lie about her age to entice you, so let that be a red flag. It is very possible that you two can have a beautiful and meaningful relationship, but that's in the future and not now. When I met my ex for the first time, things did change. Things got better actually, and I loved her more, but every situation is different. Take caution. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Unistudent Posted November 29, 2009 Author Share Posted November 29, 2009 Thank you for your suggestions. I had feared that the way she is feeling could be from lack of social behavior. She also moved (before she got pregnant) and didn't have many friends in the area that she moved to. I think she was lonely then and that is why she started dating and then got pregnant by that guy. She is going to start going to some classes soon and her mother will be taking care of her baby while she is there. So I guess I will see within the next month how/if her feelings change for me at all when she is back in a social setting. Again I feared at the beginning and actually brought up that one of my friends said that a lot of people on the internet use these relationships as a way to escape the stress from their lives... she assured me that this was not what she was doing... but then again that could also be her trying to hold onto the comfort that she gets from me. So I guess I should really just wait for a month or two and see how she is feeling about us. I recognize that these types of relationships are extremely hard and that they require a lot of devotion and work... so I am optimistic... but also realistic about where things are most likely to go. Yes... the lie about the age has bugged me and if you could only have seen my face when she told me that she 'thought she told me her real age'... I was shocked and quite mad. She has also sent me gifts too... mailed cards and stuff like that... I don't know if that means anything though. We have talked about her coming to visit here because she really wants to see the area that I am from too. What do you mean by a romantic relationship? I am guessing you mean to try and tone down the feelings and try not to get too attached correct? She is a pretty jealous person as well and I can't say that I don't get jealous at all either. How did you and your ex deal with that? Thanks again Link to post Share on other sites
JaggedRoad Posted November 29, 2009 Share Posted November 29, 2009 You will be emotionally drained if you pursue a relationship with her. You will devote and devote until there's nothing left in you anymore, and when she has enough confidence to get back on her own feet, she will leave you. My ex was jealous to the extreme. She would pout and tell me to give her attention if I were to tell her that I was in the presence of a female... and that includes my baby cousin. It was really bad. She sent me gifts as well. Hell, she even paid for my ticket to see her last summer and paid for all the expenses. I feel bad because I barely contributed anything, but I was hoping to make it up this Christmas. Unfortunately, that won't happen because she broke up with me in August. Your friend is right about the escapism. Listen to him! Link to post Share on other sites
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