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I love him, but he dislikes me.


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So, okay. This will probably be really long, if you don't have time don't read it.

 

It begins with, I used to fake being a male, but I am indeed a female. I posed as a gay boy, for whatever reason. I met a boy who was the same as me, and I was aware of it the entire length of the relationship, about 3 years ago, I grew an obsession over her/him about 2 months after we ended our on and off relationships for good. I used to be funny, excited, happy-go-lucky, in a way. But after I had been basically torn to shreds by her, I turned cold, not very caring, selfish, and unbelievably mean and harsh to anyone. I cared for nobody. I was afraid to in a way. I dated many people after her, looking for someone to love me for who I was at that point and make me forget. But I always seemed drawn to this girl, I didn't love her, I thought I did. But up until a few months ago I noticed it was just wanting something I couldn't have. All of the people I dated after that wound up wanting me to change who I was in the middle of it all, I refused. Most of those people still have feelings for me, for whatever reason. Around January this year, I met another boy (actual male) and thought it'd just be another fiasco relationship so it'd be over with soon, but I tried anyway. We got on it right away, after a few nights of speaking to each other. We fought a lot and broke up a lot, but I always had feelings for him. He was always around, trying with me, I enjoyed the attention. Then once I softened, he turned into what I had been, cold and uncaring. The times we were together went scarce and short-termed. And after that, he began saying he hated me, didn't love me, thought I was immature and stupid. So I, being the type of person I was, said hateful things in return, despite my interest in him. After that, he basically turned into a PMSing woman the ENTIRE time, I swear. He'd like me one minute, hate me the next. He stopped saying he loved me, stopped showing care, etc etc. That's how it was until he promised he wouldn't speak to me again "for my own good", he was apathetic about me, didn't care for my love for him. So, I let him go, thinking if he wanted to be somewhere else and that's what was required for him to be happy and pleased, there he went. I missed him a lot, but I soon forgot about him when I met another person who made me feel happy, wanted, etc. Then after a week, he popped back up, sending me an email about how he wanted the birthday money he had sent me and knew I hadn't spent back. I said no, told him if that was his attempt to spite me or something, he was worthless. We began talking again, later on after we became more of friends and I began to have interest in him again, he admitted it was only his excuse to speak to me and that he still had feelings for me. This made me very very happy, but after that we got in another fight, due to my lack of concentration one evening when I asked him to marry me, he said marrying me would cause him harm, not let him live his life. Of course it made me upset, I told him it did and he freaked out. Then the war began. We fought and fought, but I refused to let him go. I told him I may have abused the word love with him, but I knew I wanted him. But after that I noticed I DID love him, that just because my feelings didn't follow and describe the words written in a dictionary for "love", it didn't mean I didn't love him. With this boy, I didn't get butterflies after about our third time dating, but I still put him above else, I still craved his attention, his want for me, his love. I still wanted him all together, mean, cold, harsh, loving, warm, whatever he may be. I LOVED him. But he said he stopped loving me because I "loved him TOO much", so I said "It's not that I love you too much, it's that I actually love you" during that conversation I admitted myself to him, being I was a female and all. He seemed to take it okay, but then he began spilling lies. Saying he was fake, blah blah, I asked if he was joking and he said no. So I told him I had found the things he said he lied about (which happened to be about making love to many many other people) were disgusting, and I found him a craved, sexually obsessed animal. Then I insulted him, unknowingly, by saying the person he supposedly was faking who was actually him had nasty features, and now that I didn't consider it him, he wasn't as attractive (BIIIG MISTAKE). But before all this (I forgot to add) he had said certain things like he missed me, right before this fight. So, then at the end of that night he said "I am who I said I was at first" and so now, he won't speak to me but I try speaking to him. I'm the type of kid who can swing both ways, fight for what I love, or play the player. Throughout this time with him I've always played the player, shook him off whenever he did something stupid just so he could run back to me. But this time, I feel as if I want him to love me. I want to break through to him so that he can't let me go, just the way I feel. I want him to feel every single feeling I have felt throughout the time of knowing him. He dislikes me now though, when I do speak to him, he seems emotionless, uninterested, and annoyed. So I leave him alone sometimes. But I like checking up on him, to see if things changed, but so far no improvement. I wanted to know what should I do at this point.

Help?

 

Sorry if there's any mistakes, I just typed away, so no corrections.

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Hi.

 

Wow. There is quite a bit here.

 

You may not like what I have to say but here goes.

 

You say you have always "Played The Player". I'm sorry but that simply is not true. If you had done this at all you wouldn't be here asking about how to have this guy really care about you.

This isn't a talent you should ever aspire to have. I have had the unfortunate ability and in my younger years left many a broken man in my wake. Some of these irreparably so. It is nothing to brag about by any means. I have lots of guilt from this and always will. It is something I am ashamed of and am GLAD I matured out of (although it took a while).

 

That said, you have based this entire relationship in obsessive and immature games. There simply is no stability and nothing to base any real feelings on his side (or it seems - yours). He is guilty in all of this as well with the back and forth with you. It has simply become more of a head game than a heart game for both of you.

 

With everything you have written here there is nothing indicative of love. Even your description of feelings for him are based upon nothing valid. He is horrible to you and then great - treats you badly but you stay entrenched wanting more (and the flip side is true too you are terrible to him as well). What are you truly battling FOR? It isn't for love I can tell you that much. There is no mutual respect which simply MUST be present in real love. It is a crucial component.

 

It seems he has issues on his side of the fence and you have issues on yours.

The best thing you can do for yourself is get to the bottom of WHY you are playing these games with people (going back to the very beginning - like why you were posing as someone else of another gender and creating false relationships). What is your motivation and what are you getting out of it?

Then realize that to have a healthy loving relationship the games you play have no value and are detrimental to what you really want to have in the end. So using these tactics will never assist you in attaining your goal or any real happiness.

 

I am sorry for you. I am sorry so much is going on in your life and it is so confused and mixed up. But the great thing is that it is something that can be addressed and resolved. It just takes real effort and a good therapist.

 

I certainly wish you the best.

Edited by Island Girl
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Hi.

 

Wow. There is quite a bit here.

 

You may not like what I have to say but here goes.

 

You say you have always "Played The Player". I'm sorry but that simply is not true. If you had done this at all you wouldn't be here asking about how to have this guy really care about you.

This isn't a talent you should ever aspire to have. I have had the unfortunate ability and in my younger years left many a broken man in my wake. Some of these irreparably so. It is nothing to brag about by any means. I have lots of guilt from this and always will. It is something I am ashamed of and am GLAD I matured out of (although it took a while).

 

That said, you have based this entire relationship in obsessive and immature games. There simply is no stability and nothing to base any real feelings on his side (or it seems - yours). He is guilty in all of this as well with the back and forth with you. It has simply become more of a head game than a heart game for both of you.

 

With everything you have written here there is nothing indicative of love. Even your description of feelings for him are based upon nothing valid. He is horrible to you and then great - treats you badly but you stay entrenched wanting more (and the flip side is true too you are terrible to him as well). What are you truly battling FOR? It isn't for love I can tell you that much. There is no mutual respect which simply MUST be present in real love. It is a crucial component.

 

It seems he has issues on his side of the fence and you have issues on yours.

The best thing you can do for yourself is get to the bottom of WHY you are playing these games with people (going back to the very beginning - like why you were posing as someone else of another gender and creating false relationships). What is your motivation and what are you getting out of it?

Then realize that to have a healthy loving relationship the games you play have no value and are detrimental to what you really want to have in the end. So using these tactics will never assist you in attaining your goal or any real happiness.

 

I am sorry for you. I am sorry so much is going on in your life and it is so confused and mixed up. But the great thing is that it is something that can be addressed and resolved. It just takes real effort and a good therapist.

 

I certainly wish you the best.

 

I understand what you're saying and I agree now that you've thrown it out there. But from here on, would it be best to start out fresh with him, try to develop respect and love, or just spend a lot of time trying to let all of it go, find someone else?

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I understand what you're saying and I agree now that you've thrown it out there. But from here on, would it be best to start out fresh with him, try to develop respect and love, or just spend a lot of time trying to let all of it go, find someone else?

 

There is so much to overcome and such a history of terrible actions and motives I don't see how you can rebuild.

 

It really would be best not to play these games at all anymore - go NC with him and allow yourself time to work through your issues.

Then you can move on to a healthier more fulfilling relationship.

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There is so much to overcome and such a history of terrible actions and motives I don't see how you can rebuild.

 

It really would be best not to play these games at all anymore - go NC with him and allow yourself time to work through your issues.

Then you can move on to a healthier more fulfilling relationship.

 

Don't know how to work that out. I'm young, full of energy, and devoted to him. Though I know our past may not be so "loving" or compassionate on any level, I believe my feelings throughout the respecting, good, loving times we had and shared, I grew to at least care for who he was, whether it be bad or good. Lately, ever since a couple months ago, as I've said before, I softened. Became more of a "what's right is the thing to do" person, instead of just doing things for myself, hoping that lying and using someone would fulfill what I wanted and thought I needed. I have put myself out of the way for this boy to make him happy, but he seems to either be flustered, confused, or something about me. He can't choose if he hates me or loves me, and that has been the only issue with us. Besides the one where he lied to me right after I admitted to him. And the only reason I DID admit anything was because I knew I had somewhat feelings for him, either it be "love" or just a false feeling posing to be as love. I have never, up until this point, had any faith in that word or the descriptions they used to describe it. To me, love was something people falsely expressed and felt just to get to someone. Have someone to their liking as a companion so they would not only be with someone, but with someone of their interest. And for people not-so-deep, love, to me, was something that lasted for a few weeks, maybe to get laid, or whatever. But then I kind of realized I cared for him more than I have ever cared for anyone. I was able to let go of something dear, like the girl before him, to be with him. I have to admit, not always did I think or want the best for him, but I did come to that. And I did do things I thought he wanted, or said he wanted. It may not be as passionate as love, but I do have feelings for him I fear I will not be able to just drop. I've tried doing that, gone over people who had been more of my type, to my standards, but even though they were all I had ever asked for and thought I wanted, they turned out to be boring, dull, nothing to me. I now believe in love, as the love where the fights, arguments, loving moments, respect, and compassion are all involved but are of no end, but yet good. People who love each other fight, and argue, I know that. And that's what I think we went through. But people do change, I have changed only a few times, but each time I did change, it was drastic. And his being was what changed me this time. No matter what people say, educated in this area or not, I strongly have faith in the either true love or false love I have for him. Because I see beyond who he can be and who he is. I remember everything about him, which is shocking. :D And I care about his well-being and what he does and how it'll take impact on him. But there are limits to how much I want to happen for his happiness, that is all. He doesn't give me butterflies, which is the big "deal" in love, but I do smile, cry, laugh, and show strong emotions speaking to him. I have a very difficult time trying to delete/throw away anything he sends me or gives me. I would give up almost anything to speak to him sometimes. But maybe I'm wrong, maybe this is all just some sappy crap that doesn't resolve anything in your opinion. It's still not love. So, I can't see myself just letting him go. I can only see myself fighting, if not waiting for him. I hope you understand. I apologize for misplaced commas (it's a habit of posting a lot of them in places you don't need them) or anything that's wrongly worded or misspelled, as before I just typed away.

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