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The one who moves


Long-Distance Relationships Coping with geographical distance can make or break a LDR. Share your experiences and questions here.

Old 16th September 2009, 12:07 AM   #1
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The one who moves

Hi everyone
It's been a while since I've posted on here, but I have something that's been eating away at me, day after day....

As I"ve mentioned, I am a graduate student and in my last year of school. Only 2 semesters left.. that means, it's time to start thinking about relocating to be with my BF of almost 2 years. He's expecting that I move to CA to be with him (I live in Boston). It's been decided that I will move, because he's settled in his career there and I am more flexible, as I am in a transitional phase.

My main question is, does anyone have advice for the person who relocates? I've never lived so far away from my friends/family, and frankly, I am terrified. I am not sure if I am going to like southern California or if I will make friends there. I don't want to end up being totally dependent on my boyfriend, either. Not my style.

What can I do once I move there to make things easier? What are the best ways to transition from a LDR to a local relationship? I am afraid that this transition will be a lot to handle, especially for me. I am giving up A LOT to be with this man, who I am completely in love with. I feel like I am going to marry him, and this is why I am willing to do this. I'm scared to death, though. I am just looking for some reassurance, advice, stories, anything.
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Old 16th September 2009, 1:19 AM   #2
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I would be interested as well... I am not moving, but my SO is so I would like to try and help him acclimate to the area as smoothly as possible. I'll watch this thread for any answers you get.
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Old 16th September 2009, 11:05 AM   #3
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Mathew is moving to me, so I don't know if I can be of much help, but I've started doing things that will make it easier on him.

He knows my friends. They are his friends. He's formed a bond with my uncle(who isn't much older than us) so he has someone to hang out with, and he's become really good friends with my best friends husband. Each time he visits I make it a point to go out to dinner with friends and make sure that he's included. I'm pretty sure the people I work with like him more than me, lol.

My family are his family. Right now his parents live about 8 hours from him, so if you add in how far he's moving to be with me (15 hours), then that makes his family over 20 hours away and over 1400 miles. I know this is going to be hard on him and so do my family, so they've made it a point to include him in every family card game, rock band tournament(you should see my grandfather at this), discussion, everything. He is never left out, and he's never made to feel like the foreigner(although that's his nickname to them all).

Since he's been driving down here a lot I think it's made it a lot easier. He knows his way around Lexington and around my hometown. He doesn't need me to tell him where to go and how to get there so that gives him some of his independence back. I know that one of the most annoying things to me about traveling somewhere new is that I have no idea where I'm going, so I try and make it easier on him. I let him drive my car when he flies down here, and when he drives I make sure and let him be the navigator.

I don't know if any of that helps, but I just wanted to let you know what I'm doing for "the one who moves" to me.
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Old 16th September 2009, 11:36 AM   #4
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Do you remember what happened when you went to college?

The people you met and became friends with were the ones you met with something in common. A springboard of sorts to start getting to know someone because you already had something to talk about or do together.

The first thing I'd do is find a class, club, etc. something I really like to do that not only will keep me a bit busier for an hour+ a week but also allow me to meet others in the area that like to do the same thing.
I really liked my Book Club and met a really great girl through it that I still am in touch with. And I enjoyed the articulate intelligent conversation...come to think of it I've got to do something like that again!

If you find a couple of these - that is a couple of hours a week - (plus travel time LOL) that is all yours just for you and has nothing to do with your boyfriend. All the people you interact with have nothing to do with him either.

Busy yourself finding some haunts too. Places you really find tranquil escapes to get you out of the house where you can get a coffee or tea and read or people watch. It will help to make the city your own - and you will have your own places instead of every place being somewhere you and boyfriend go together. -- And you won't be behind the same walls all the time.
Even if you get lost you will eventually find your way back, find your way around, and you have nothing but time to kill at that point, right?

Join a local gym. If you are feeling stir crazy you can busy yourself and get healthy results at the same time. A 24 hour gym is best because no matter what time the feelings hit you can go there and just mentally check out for an hour or so -- PLUS you get those feel good endorphins so things won't be so overwhelming.

Hope that helps!
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Old 16th September 2009, 12:48 PM   #5
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I did this 3 and a half years ago. I moved to the UK on a whim, just for an experience after a friend of mine moved there to be with her husband. Thankfully I already had a couple of friends scattered around but basically I was on my own.

The first and biggest piece of advice I have is go out and create your own life OUTSIDE of your relationship!! Make friends, join clubs, go to church, meet your neighbours that doesn't involve your boyfriend. The biggest trap people can get into when they move is depending on their SO entirely from everything to friendship, transportation, entertainment, etc.

And make a point of getting to know the city/town you'll be living in on your own. Drive or use public transportation to get around. Be independent. Go shopping on your own. That's what I did when I moved there and it will help me tremendously when I move back next year. I have a carved a life for myself outside of my fiance and that independence is what will make the transition much easier!
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Old 16th September 2009, 12:53 PM   #6
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Thank you guys for your advice. Maggs, I was very relieved to hear that you've done this and you survived! You have great ideas.

Islandgirl, thank you also... you had a lot of great ideas, too.
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Old 16th September 2009, 3:31 PM   #7
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It is exciting to embark on a new journey.

I moved to the East Coast just a few years ago. My best friend (at the time) lived there and begged me for years to come. SO I did.

I lived by myself - and she went on trip after trip with her husband the entire time I was there.

So I was by myself A LOT. As it turns out it was the best thing that ever happened to me.

I became more myself than I ever had been. That probably doesn't make sense.

I went shopping and found to my great delight that it was so much more fun to be able to look at what I wanted to look at and spend as much time as I wanted doing whatever - instead of having someone else say "let's go here" or "look at this".
I found restaurants I loved and a coffee house that was cozy - just busy enough to feel like I was a mover and a shaker (plus people watch) - but quiet enough that I could delve into a great book for a couple hours.

I explored the local parks with my dogs and felt like Christopher Robbin "adventuring" all day.
I would get home and collapse into a luxurious bath with a glass of wine and stay in for an hour if I felt like it.

I had never indulged myself so much, in so many ways, and it taught me to make sure I always continue to do so.
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Old 16th September 2009, 6:00 PM   #8
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Ash...

While I'm glad for you that you might be relocating soon to be with your bf, have you resolved the fact that he would have to stay in the observatory for most of the time anyway, and could only see you on weekends? Have you either reached a compromise or come to terms with it?
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Old 16th September 2009, 10:25 PM   #9
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Elswyth-
Thanks for addressing this issue.. I knew someone would bring it up soon....

Yes, we've discussed it. He's agreed to LIVE with me and commute to work (different from this summer). If he isn't able to do this full time, then he will at least live with me 3-4 days/week.. It should be OK.
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Old 16th September 2009, 10:42 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ashbash11 View Post
Elswyth-
Thanks for addressing this issue.. I knew someone would bring it up soon....

Yes, we've discussed it. He's agreed to LIVE with me and commute to work (different from this summer). If he isn't able to do this full time, then he will at least live with me 3-4 days/week.. It should be OK.
All the more reason for jumping on the independent bandwagon! My fiance travels for his job and is usually gone for 1-3 weeks at a time. Then home for a few days before being gone again. It may be difficult, but believe me...getting right out there from day 1 will be a lifesaver for you!! Good luck!
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Old 16th September 2009, 10:52 PM   #11
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If it isn't a guaranteed thing that he'll be living with you and commuting to work then I'd definately recommend finding some friends that share your common interests before you move. That way when he doesn't have the time to show you around town you'll have someone that can show you around. Lots of cities have forums for people who are relocating to that particular area. This might be worthwhile for you to look into.

Also, before you leave make yourself a list of clubs and things that you think you might want to join, or bookstores that you'd like to go to. When he's not around you can have lots of fun checking off that list and you'll be learning the city while you're at it!
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