fork Posted February 21, 2003 Share Posted February 21, 2003 Howdy all. My gentleman just used the L word for the first time the other day on the phone and we quickly said bye. It's going to be a long road for us and I could use the support. We have separate goals that are syncing; we should be at our respective finish lines 4 or 5 years from now. That's a long time to be 1,000 miles apart, a time zone apart. He's 15 years older but we're both divorced and carrying on as best we can in search of the real thing. I have strong feelings for him. We won't have a chance to see each other in natural settings too often, maybe just a week or two every season. It's been only 3 months and 1 visit since we decided we're interested in one another, but we've known each other for nearly a decade. I'm sticking a letter in a piece of artcraft I made for him to tell him I'm in love w/ him but that I don't love him, since we don't spend enough normal time together for me to be more certain we have lasting strength. Commitment is a start and his use of the L word is a good sign. I don't know how I'm going to last through the years. Any advice? Link to post Share on other sites
Ally Boo Posted February 21, 2003 Share Posted February 21, 2003 You mean to show that you love him but aren't IN love with him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author fork Posted February 21, 2003 Author Share Posted February 21, 2003 I mean the other way around. I am IN love with him (feeling) but I don't love him (feeling and KNOWING). I don't know b/c of the long distance thing and not enough opportunities to see each other for longer periods of time or normal settings. Sigh. Originally posted by Ally Boo You mean to show that you love him but aren't IN love with him? Link to post Share on other sites
Ally Boo Posted February 21, 2003 Share Posted February 21, 2003 Then maybe you AREN'T in love with him. You just care about him deeply. Link to post Share on other sites
Reckless Posted February 21, 2003 Share Posted February 21, 2003 Long distance relationships are hell. They put an inordinate amount to pressure on people and ask love to grow in an unnatural environment. Kinda like a flower in the desert, few have a chance of surviving long term without a lot of care and a bit of luck. You'd better think long and hard about starting a LDR in which you cannot envision being together for 4 or 5 years along the road'cause that's an awful long time. True, families serperated by war, prison or other factors survive long serperations and 1000 miles by air is not so far, but falling in love and building a real connection takes time together IRW. On your side, you have known each other prior to romance for some time, maybe that increases your chances. You both seem mature and aware of the challenges and that's good but if you cannot merge the road, because of I presume, various responsibilities and see each other romantically in a 'real' setting for a reasonable period of time (months rather than weeks), then you risk not only pain and frustration but the danger of building on sand only to find that your relationship doesn't have a real foundation of love, trust and common view points and approach to life and everyday living. I don't want to sound overwelmingly negative here, I've heard of occasions when projects like yours work, but since it seems you are extremely fond of this man but not yet 'in love' (I don't understand the analysis of the variants on the theme 'IN love with' versus 'loving' him) you can think clearly and make an informed decision. Yes, you need to spend more "normal time" with him, snatching time here and there in bursts and spurts with a project to be together for longer only 5 years down the road seems to me a very, very difficult road to choose. Link to post Share on other sites
ThisGirlNameKD Posted February 24, 2003 Share Posted February 24, 2003 I agree with the previous postings. You can't be in love with someone and not love them at the same time. If anything, loving someone comes before being in love with them. So if you don't love him, you just plain don't love him period. Having romantic feelings for someone doesn't necessarily mean that you love them. And as you said, you don't spend alot of time together, so how could you know if this is truly love? If you're not ready for the relationship or willing to wait for him, don't confuse him or yourself with the "I'm in love with you, but I don't love him" speech. Just let him know that although you do have feelings for him, they're not strong enough for you to make a commitment at this time, and you both would need more time to get to know one another. That's providing that you're willing to wait. If you're not, set him free so that he could find someone he's willing to commit with at this time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fork Posted February 24, 2003 Author Share Posted February 24, 2003 Originally posted by ThisGirlNameKD Having romantic feelings for someone doesn't necessarily mean that you love them. And as you said, you don't spend alot of time together, so how could you know if this is truly love?...another. That's providing that you're willing to wait. If you're not, set him free so that he could find someone he's willing to commit with at this time. That is the rub, the difference between feeling and knowing. I might be splitting hairs and you all have a valid point if you think I'm making much ado about IN love vs. love. I _am_ willing to wait for him and hope he's on the same page as I on that and is willing to wait for me. I guess that's what I mean by knowing. The more time we'll spend together, the more it's made manifestly known to one another that we're committed and do love each other. It's a process of making known our feelings and to reassure ourselves by our actions. With the LDR the process is stop and go, more of a sporadic state or condition (IN love) and less so a continuous journey. I won't know until some years down the road, then it will have been proven in the long-run and that we will have survived the journey together. Standing deep in the middle of the relationship it's hard to know and all I get is feelings, albeit very deep feelings probably indistiguishable from what most folks would call love. I guess the answer to my own question is something like in order to survive this LDR it's a matter of a lot of hope and strength. Link to post Share on other sites
ThisGirlNameKD Posted February 24, 2003 Share Posted February 24, 2003 Your exactly right. It's about hope and strength. And it's also about ingenuity. Think of someways to keep the relationship alive even though you two may be apart from each other. Send letters, cards, gifts, e-mail, visit each other when you can. I'm sure you may be doing that now, but keep doing it to keep the love alive. Link to post Share on other sites
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