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will my ex regret leaving me?


Long-Distance Relationships Coping with geographical distance can make or break a LDR. Share your experiences and questions here.

Old 19th July 2009, 12:35 PM   #1
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will my ex regret leaving me?

well where can i start? my ex and i lived together for 10 years and a half. he is not originally from this country, i was born here but my parents are from the same country as him. well we had a kind of good relationship, we showed we cared and loved eachother. but him wanting to leave the country caused problems between us, as i was no ready to leave my family to start a life in another country when there was not much saved or a plan for us when we were to get there. therefore i started to study a two year course as it was not for sure we were leaving and i needed to better myself. he decided to leave after a year as he was not getting much work here so we decided that after i finished my studies i would go to him. in meantime he would save to get us a flat and get himself a stable job. he left and began tolive with his mother. I did not want to live with his mother as she has quite a strong personality and i felt quite intimidated and i dont believe it would have been good for the relationship. he agreed with me. time passed i would go and visit him for short periods of time, while he was still living with his mother and had no savings or a stable job to get a place. i was so upset but still will call him about ten times a day to hear the same rubish.
last time i saw him was last august, i spent a month with him in his mothers house. i felt his mother would behave very differently with me, very sarcastic and negative, she would not talk to her son about me using my name, she would say 'is she, does she' while me being in the room. she would take this option instead of asking me. So i did get upset with the son about these little things plus the way he was treating the situation. He would get stressed and sometimes blame me and sometimes the mother, when really who was to blame was himself.
I came back to my country, quite upset with him, i stopped calling for about three weeks and then he would start phoning and texting me, if i was seeing someone else and that he couldnt believe i was goint to give up on our plans. i finally answered and still told him i wanted to be with him but he was making me feel as though he didnt love me as he would never call, always blame me for everything. anyway we still kept in contact through phone and still told eachother that we wanted to be together and that hopefully everything would work out. nothing really changed. sometimes he would be nice on the phone other times quite mean. so i began to lie telling him i had a few guys interested in me and that i would be in contact with them but not have any type of sexual relationship. i told him i was going abroad to visit a girl and guy friend and that the guy friend was interested in me. he told me to go and visit him instead, and i said to him i am not a s*** to go every time he pleases and then have to come back bymyself, i said if he was interested he would find a way to visit me. he then said that i was going to be the mother of his children. well after a week and a half i call and he says to me he is not inlove anymore with me and that he has begun to see a girl and he likes her. i was shocked and heart broken. i cried to him told him i would go out there to be with him, that we could work on what we had. he said it was too late. i kept harrasing him that day telling him, most of the times he would not pick up.
Anyway after a few days i text him telling him how i felt, that i understood that he had another girlfriend but what i couldnt understand is that he led me on for nearly two years and that he had only said a week and a half ago that i was going to be the mother of his children. i then led to thanking him for the years together, and for loving me (it was being sarcastic)
he text back saying he appreciated that i understood and that it was precisely because of the twelve years. (dont know what he meant by that) and that he hoped that i could count with his friendship in the future. I text back saiyng to him why would i want his friendship now if i never had it in the year and a half that he was away. well he never got back to that text or i havent called him which he must think is quite not normal coming from me, he hasnt called either. it has been nearly a month now. he is 34 and i am 30. i just wonder to myself if he will regret what he did. we were always together, its unbelievable that he just moved on so quick. is the no contact good, do you think it will make him miss me more?
thanks for listening. I AM SO HURT RIGHT NOW
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Old 20th July 2009, 3:38 AM   #2
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You guys were together for a long time and it's going to hurt very badly for awhile. I'm sorry you're going through this. It's not fun.

That said, who cares if he misses you? I hope he misses you. He made his choice and he has to deal with it. Are you sure he hasn't been seeing this other girl longer than he told you?

And consider it a blessing that you don't have to deal with his mother anymore. From the way you described him, he's a bit of a "mama's boy", and you would have had to put up with her as much as you would have had to put up with him. My first love had a crazy (in a bad, bad way) mother who was quite abusive. Even though it felt like a part of me died when we broke up, I thank the stars today that I have a mother-in-law who is fantastic. I love her.

You mentioned that you had a few guys who were interested in maybe seeing more of you. I would definitely pursue that. That would be the best revenge. While he's still trying to find work and living with his mother at the age of 34, you will be out having fun and dating other people.

I think you are in the better situation.

Good luck!
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Old 21st July 2009, 8:48 AM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sol4 View Post
I came back to my country, quite upset with him, i stopped calling for about three weeks
So you went back after this looooooooooooong visit and basically dropped off the planet without having a conversation with him?

If he was posting here we'd pretty much tell him to consider the two of you over (and good riddance to someone who'd do that) and to move on.

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Originally Posted by sol4 View Post
and then he would start phoning and texting me, if i was seeing someone else and that he couldnt believe i was goint to give up on our plans.
I can imagine he felt left in the lurch and was freaking out.
That's usually how people react when their significant other leaves and everything is "fine" and then goes missing for days on end!

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i finally answered and still told him i wanted to be with him but he was making me feel as though he didnt love me as he would never call,
He'd never call. But instead of having a conversation with him about this -- you disappeared for three weeks.

THEN you finally answer after he has called and called (freaking) and you tell him you still want to be with him but he was making you feel like he didn't love you.
That doesn't make any sense.
If a guy dropped off the planet for three weeks then we'd be telling the girl "He doesn't love you or he wouldn't be doing that".

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Originally Posted by sol4 View Post
anyway we still kept in contact through phone and still told eachother that we wanted to be together and that hopefully everything would work out. nothing really changed. sometimes he would be nice on the phone other times quite mean. so i began to lie telling him i had a few guys interested in me and that i would be in contact with them but not have any type of sexual relationship.
So when issues arise instead of addressing them and getting them resolved you lied to him which only makes matters worse.
Especially if he is the jealous type - which I assume he is since you took this approach.

That doesn't speak well of you and the ability to really have a mature relationship.

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Originally Posted by sol4 View Post
i told him i was going abroad to visit a girl and guy friend and that the guy friend was interested in me.
If I pulled this same crap with my husband we'd have serious problems. It may even break our marriage.

And if we weren't married - it'd end it for sure.
Same if the situation was reversed.

Both of us would see that visit along with the extra "info" as unnecessary fanning of the insecurity flames which shows a complete disregard for the other person in the relationship who already has to deal with the evil of distance.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sol4 View Post
he told me to go and visit him instead, and i said to him i am not a s*** to go every time he pleases and then have to come back bymyself, i said if he was interested he would find a way to visit me. he then said that i was going to be the mother of his children.
So you then used the opportunity to shove his face in the dirt and tell him that basically that given the choice at that time to see him or go somewhere else - you'd rather go somewhere else.
AND that he isn't measuring up.
I know you'll say you didn't say that -- but that is the message that you were sending out.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sol4 View Post
well after a week and a half i call and he says to me he is not inlove anymore with me and that he has begun to see a girl and he likes her. i was shocked and heart broken. i cried to him told him i would go out there to be with him, that we could work on what we had. he said it was too late.
So your games backfired.

If you are going to play these silly games and not be real with how you are feeling, etc. then you should be prepared for them to bite you in the behind on most occasions.

You are trying to be manipulative and scheming instead of being open and honest.
That is the wrong way to be in ANY relationship and just about a sure fire way to bring and end to it.

So you scramble to try and then tell the truth but the damage was done.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sol4 View Post
i kept harrasing him that day telling him, most of the times he would not pick up.
When you started the lying about the other guys and trying to push his buttons, did you think that you had him by the short ones and there was no way he was goig anywhere?
Because I can tell you right now - the second you start treating someone as if they are disposable then they usually opt out of the relationship - or they do if they are smart.

THIS is precisely why it is better to be honest and vulnerable to your partner. Even if it is difficult to do so.

And if someone IS treating you badly and you address it honestly with every intent on fixing the problem - but it doesn't happen then you need to get out of the relationship and move on.
Please learn that lesson.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sol4 View Post
Anyway after a few days i text him telling him how i felt, that i understood that he had another girlfriend but what i couldnt understand is that he led me on for nearly two years and that he had only said a week and a half ago that i was going to be the mother of his children. i then led to thanking him for the years together, and for loving me (it was being sarcastic)
He didn't lead you on the entire time.

He just got fed up at the end of it with the head games and you "checking out" of the relationship.

That doesn't mean the whole relationship was a lie or that he didn't mean what he said when he said it.
It just means that there were situations that transpired that changed things.

And again I have to say that having this kind of "sarcastic" reply just serves to validate he was correct in ending it.
It is extremely immature and is just another "mind f**k".

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Originally Posted by sol4 View Post
he text back saying he appreciated that i understood and that it was precisely because of the twelve years. (dont know what he meant by that) and that he hoped that i could count with his friendship in the future.
So he tried to take the high road and not buy in to your games again.

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Originally Posted by sol4 View Post
I text back saiyng to him why would i want his friendship now if i never had it in the year and a half that he was away.
More bullish immaturity.
That's sad.

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Originally Posted by sol4 View Post
well he never got back to that text or i havent called him which he must think is quite not normal coming from me, he hasnt called either. it has been nearly a month now.
Well it IS over between the two of you.

Do you often talk to all of your exes? Because I don't.
When I have broken up with them it is over and I don't care about speaking to them.
Not that I wish them to have a horrible life.
I'm just done. Perhaps that is how he feels.
Because he certainly sounds done with all of it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sol4 View Post
he is 34 and i am 30. i just wonder to myself if he will regret what he did.
OH MY.

You are 30 and still behaving this way in relationships?

Sweetie. This is ALL incredibly "high school".

Under the circumstances with all of the lying, how you address conflict and problems, and the bullshyte mind games I doubt he'll regret it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sol4 View Post
we were always together, its unbelievable that he just moved on so quick. is the no contact good, do you think it will make him miss me more?
thanks for listening. I AM SO HURT RIGHT NOW
I think you HAVE to be in NC.

I don't think there is any way for you to have contact with this man and not have it be some kind of twisted high school game playing.

You really need to get YOURSELF worked out and not be in any kind of relationship until you can really do some soul searching and self acceptance.
You have a whole lot of relationship disfunction so that you can have a healthy mature fulfilling relationship.
It IS completely solvable -- but it takes some work on your part.
Have you thought about some counseling for yourself?
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Old 23rd July 2009, 8:31 AM   #4
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ok, ok

ok, i shouldnt have played it this way, but how about the way he played me? all i tried doing with this silly game was seek his attention as i felt i wasnt receiving any. All i wanted to hear him say to me is dont worry i want you to come over here now and be with me, we are going to sort things out. but all i was hearing on his behalf was negative. That he wasnt able to save, many times not picking up his phone, giving me mixed messages. i used the guys as my last option just to see if he would react, but i didnt say it to him in any bad way. he has said many more hurtful things to me. I believe i always have been honest with him about my feelings. I would spend hours a day on the phone telling him how much i missed him and that i couldnt wait to be near him, soooo many times but i wouldnt get nothing back from him. ok i did a few mistakes yes a bit childish, but you know i am inlove with him and when you are inlove you do silly things and this is what i did towards the end, only because i wanted a reaction and because i was angry that he was not responding as a man who was inlove with me. I tried everything i could to save the relationship. I think i was a good girlfriend to him, very supportive and i loved him , he knew this very well, in fact he took advantage of the situation, he led me on, when all he needed to do was be honest.
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Old 23rd July 2009, 8:48 AM   #5
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yes i did stop phoning for three weeks, and it was the hardest thing i had to do, only because my problem with him was that he never phoned me, he didnt show no emotions, and he blamed me for everything that went on in his mothers house. i was hurt because he never seemed to want to communicate the problems so i just kind of gave up a while so he had time to think about the situation. himself and his mother also told me that i would phone too much previously, so this is why i did it, i didnt want them to think i was desperate. I wanted him to see a change in me. Look, he knew me well enough and he knew i was sooo inlove with him, this is why he felt he could play me like he did. I DID NOT PLAY HIM. i just wanted him to kind of value me. he has done more damage than me, he f..... up my head, lying to me, i only lied the once just to see how he felt, but he lied many more times, he would say he was going to phone me, never would, tell me one day he loved me and the next shout and be negative soooooo.... i dont think i was that bad. At least i was real. i would always communicate to him my feelings and emotions. He was the fake one
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Old 23rd July 2009, 8:56 AM   #6
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yes just to add one more thing, yes i did not phone for three weeks, but when he did i would always pick up. remember he would hardly never phone me before. why should it always be me. its a two way thing, i have my right to react like this. same as travelling, it was always me, he never came to visit me, just paid for some of the flights
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Old 23rd July 2009, 9:03 AM   #7
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yes just to add one more thing, yes i did not phone for three weeks, but when he did i would always pick up. remember he would hardly never phone me before. why should it always be me. its a two way thing, i have my right to react like this. same as travelling, it was always me, he never came to visit me, just paid for some of the flights
You created a relationship where this was always the case - where you kept up the calling, etc.
You set those parameters.

I do agree he should do the work on his side and there should be a balance.

But a mature person involved in a relationship addresses the issue and then sticks to the no calling plan.
You simply threw a tantrum and stopped calling when everything was supposedly fine - or had been.

He paid for tickets for you to come see him so it isn't as if he wasn't participating at all. You needed him to participate more. So there were things you could do to change that.

You were in this relationship for 10 years yet still had such ineffectual communication skills with this man.

And now justifying it instead of addressing it. Hmm.

You have to recognize a flaw to change it. And yes, this is something you should change before your next relationship.
Most men you'll be looking at dating will run for the hills if they catch sight or sound of this kind of stuff.
It is very high school.

Last edited by Island Girl; 23rd July 2009 at 9:05 AM..
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Old 23rd July 2009, 12:20 PM   #8
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actually when i stopped phoning there was a problem between us, like i said the communication and him failing to keep to the plan which was to save at least some money for our future like i was doing ,failed to call me so many times when he said he would. i cant be there for ever waiting around refusing men that were interested. (which i did refuse with no regrets at the time) but would he refuse for me? he didnt show enough interest after so many years. he knew perfectly well that when he called me i would be over the moon and i would show this to him but he would fail to do it. i would say to him look if you wanna call me just put a litlle in the phone booth and i will call you back, but it just prooves to me that you also think about me. he still wouldnt do, until i stopped calling for those three weeks. i carried on the contact cause i told him after that i didnt call because i wanted him to feel a little of what i felt. then we continued speaking. but since he gave me this news i have not contacted him, and believe i am doing really well. I have male friends who know both of us and all of them believe he did not deal with the situation as he should have. I may have done a few silly things but it does not mean should be ashamed, i did it through love. island girl i dont think you should be so harsh, it was at the time it happened, ok but i also gave alot to that relationship, as so did he, it just hurts that it ended how it did. We went through so much together. I honestly am trying to take the best from the relationship and learn from my mistakes, but you know it always would be nice just to know how he is feeling, and yes i do regret that i said i didnt want his friendship, i just should have not ansered the text and left the doors open for the friendship in the future when i am ready. i know i should not have phoned so much before as this made him feel i was needy and too dependent of him, but all i thought of at the time is how much i missed him and wanted to express it to him, how much i wanted to be beside him. anywayyyy thats life i quess
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Old 23rd July 2009, 12:33 PM   #9
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I'm sorry you are taking it harshly. I am pretty direct in all aspects of my life.
I don't believe in beating around the bush.

While I understand you regret handling the offer of friendship the way you did - I hope you see that throughout your posting about the relationship you operate impulsively.
Often your knee jerk reactions have been, in hindsight, mistakes.

There is a lesson to be learned there.

And if there was such a problem with the not calling, etc. it should have been handled effectively early on.
If he couldn't address it then you should have walked back then rather than have resentment build up over and over.

Yes it is life - but hopefully lesson are learned not repeated.
Don't lie in relationships no matter the motive or the hopeful outcome.
Always be prepared that the other person may not react as you plan.
If you are going to put out an ultimatum you best be sure you are ready to deal with the possibility that the "or else" will come to pass.

IF there are issues you address them and get resolution right away.
If the issues addressed do not get resolved then you need to evaluate how bought in your partner really is.

Certainly there will be another guy. There is no shortage of them.
But WE treat people how to treat us. WE set the standard of what is acceptable and what isn't.
The only reason he could keep up the saying he'd call and then not do it is because you kept putting up with it.
So don't do that again - you'll be much better off.
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