Pleas help me

[allsmiles]

Good day. I'm sorry for such a long story. I will break it down as mush as possible.

 

At my sister's wedding, (in Sept of 2002) me and the best man hit it off real well. I am in a long distance relationship with him. I've been to visit him last month, and he will be coming to visit me next month. When I went to visit him, I really didn't have any major expectations. I just thought it would be nice for us to see eachother again. I had a most terrific time. We shared a lot of feelings. In fact, he told me he loves me, and that he wants to share his life with me. As best I can, with this distance separating us, an ocean in fact, I do love him, and care for him deeply. I've told him that.

 

Situation #1 He's miles away. Is 9 years older than me, is divorced, 2 kids, that he sees twice a month. He will hammer at this fact. He's says that he will understand completely, if I tell him for us to just forget about this whole thing. I have told him nothing of this sort. I told him that I think we have potential, and that time will tell things.

 

Situation #2 He is a fairly heavy drinker. Doesn't get drunk or boisterous, but he loves his wine. I like a drink now and then. He has always, always been a perfect gentleman when we were together, but he likes to drink. Plain and simple. He is handsome, wonderful, responsible and a hard worker. He's never one to get lazy or dwell on things.

 

Situation #3 I've got a house, that I bought with my sister. We both lived there, shared expenses. Since she got married, she has moved out with her husband (more on that later) She thinks I shouldn't let my boyfriend come to stay at the house with me, as her husband didn't do that during their courtship. I say this is different because the house is free, as I'm the only one there now. God, I am so confused. I try and please people, and I can't handle this.

 

Situation #4 If I do let my boyfriend stay with me, my sisters husband will be extremely jealous, as he has already mentioned to my sister that "it's not fair...I didn't stay there...why should he get to waltz in there and stay..." Also, and this is a biggie, I come from a pretty strict European background. If my folks ever found out I had a boyfriend stay over, they would, well, probably disown me. What the **** do I do. Do I have him stay in a hotel and make up some excuse as to why he can't stay at my house? I am really getting ansy over this. He comes from a non-traditional background, plus he's older. I know I am an adult (34 yrs old), and I know I can make up my own decision. But, I do like to keep the peace. When he comes, we plan to travel, so we won't be staying in my city for very long. Maybe 3 ,4 days. Will he lose respect for me if I do let him stay over? Seeing that my sister's husbnad and my boyfriend are friends of course, they will chat about it. Ie. I stayed , you didn't type thing. Kids I tell you.

 

Situation #5 I have yet to tell my parents how serious our feelings are for eachother. He can't believe I didn't tell them yet. I told him, that in my household, things operate a little differently, and that I don't just bring anyone home etc. He thinks I should tell them, as he feels I worry too much what other people think and do. I told him, it's not like that. I told him that I can't handle negativity at this point, or questions, both on my parents side, and my friends --------> some friends I have are jealous, nosy, negative, and I don't want to tell them just yet. This is my biggest quandry. Why the hell should I care? Yet, I know, I KNOW, that if you start to worry what other people are going to think, well, problems can erupt. Sometimes, I think this is so nice, and sometimes, I think that something bad is going to happen, because I worry too much about what other people will say. He knows this, and he can't understand why I'm like this. I can't either. How do I get over this, "the world is out to get me feeling?" Plain and simple, I think people will jinx me.

 

Situation #6 My sister's husband has no job. He relocated to be here. He has property back home. My sis thinks he should sell that so they can buy a house here. Market is expensive here, and if you want someting half decent, you will need to fork out the denaro. He's down and out about the job thing, it's stressing me out, hearing here negative comments. He thought he would be able to get a job in a reasonable amount of time, but he hasn't. All he does sometimes is watch TV all day. He pays rent now where they are living, which to be quite honest, is not the best of places, not bad, but , not the best.

 

She tells me she hates it, as she had it good at the house we were sharing, she misses all that. She told me the other day that she hates where she's living. She thinks that if her husband really really loved her, he would sell his damn property, get the cash flow there, transfer his other money (he's got some decent cash), and at least they can buy a house. but, he has no job.

He says that property back home, will be for their retirement. She thinks that he's keeping it, in case this marriage doesn't work out. I hear this, and it kills me, it really does kill me, because I am super sensitive, and sometimes, I take on other peoples problems, and start to feel them physically- I get headaches, nausea, stomach cramps etc.

 

Situation #7 Me and my sister are very close. I told her about me caring about my boyfriend, and that we love eachother, and hope for the best etc. She said that I could do better, that I shouldn't pay attention to what he says. She told me "look where I am now. I had a beautiful house, and a good life, and now I'm reduced to living in a small, ugly place, with a husband who does nothing but watch TV, puts a bit of effort looking for a job, and then nothing" Those are her words. I was flabbergasted. Speechless I was. I thought, boy, this is negative. She told me she was sorry for saying all those things. She confided in me, that she is disappointed in her husband. Especially because he told her that he would be a good provider, and ensure her happiness. Please help. These words,. thoughts, emotions are really killing me. I;m trying the best I can to hold my head high, but it's taking a toll. I lead a pretty active life, so that's what's saving me a bit. The thing is, you can't compare these two men. They are so different.

 

Please, can anyone give feedback. Thanks.

[quankanne]

out of respect for you, ideally this guy would offer to stay at a hotel during his visit. It shouldn't be to hard for him to see that staying with you in your house just might cause problems with your parents.

 

the drinking thing -- how bad does it bug you? could you learn to live with someone who drinks heavily, even if he doesn't appear to be a mean drunk?

 

as for your sister, I think she's overstepping her boundaries here. As co-owner of your house, she has her concerns, but those should be limited to ownership problems like wear and tear and insurance and taxes. She shouldn't have a say in your lovelife, even if she's trying to protect you. Actually, it sounds to me like she's trying to draw you into her problems which is very, very WRONG, and while you should feel for her, it shouldn't give her carte blanche to run your life. You're an adult and she needs to respect that, especially because she seems to think that YOU are directly tied into her problems with an unhappy marriage. Just put your foot down, plain and simple.

 

I know it's hard to do when your family tries to keep your wings clipped, but until you start demanding respect from them, they will continue to treat you this way.

[ThisGirlNameKD]

1. If you can't tell your family or your friends about this guy, then it may not be a wise move to let him stay with you. When we start telling our family and friends about the love of our life, it's because we feel confident that this person is the one, and that they are going to be a good partner for us. The fact that you haven't done that shows that you're not confident he's the one because if you felt confident, no matter what anyone said negatively, you would be able to withstand that. At this point you don't. There is nothing wrong with him staying at a hotel. As a matter of fact, that would really show what his intentions are and that he's not trying to stay with you just to get some booty, okay?

 

2. Once your sister got married, what ever problems she has are between her and her husband. I understand that she may want someone to vent to and a shoulder to cry on, but instead of taking her situation on your shoulders, you need to encourage her to talk with her husband. Because that's about all you can do. Other than that, you can't do anything else, so why stress yourself out unnecessarily by doing so? Marriage can be hard in the first year (trust me I know), so let her deal with that. Let her handle her own.

 

3. As you said, you are 34 years old. And you have "the disease to please", trying to please everyone. And the truth about that is that you can't, you won't and you don't have to. BUT you do have to make wise decisions. And that's why alot of people are people pleasers because they don't trust in themselves enough to make their own wise decisions and say "I'm not worried about what you say or think, this is how I'll do it, I believe I've got this taken care of". And as long as you feel this way, it's really not wise for you to get into any relationship because you run the risk of being trampled and taken advantage of. I think right now you need to focus on yourself, what you really want in life, and work on your self esteem.