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Communication is lacking in my LDR


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I've been in a LDR for a little over 6 months. We dated in person for a month before we were forced into having this LDR. I'm on the east coast and he's on the west coast. The last time I saw him in person was in March when he came to visit me. We stay in touch, but I feel like sometimes he could just let so much time go by without even a text message. I was just curious to see how much time he would let go by without an email, call or text before he realized that he hadn't heard from him. I gave in after 6 days. Now I'm in one of those dry spells again.

 

He called me last Sunday (probably after he saw that I called him and didn't leave a message). I texted him a couple of times during the week and he replied but my point is that I have to do something in order for him to make contact.

 

We've had discussions before about this and afterwards he would make an effort to do better. But I feel he's back to his old ways. I don't know if his job is a factor (he's in federal law enforcement) but I know I'm just feeling very unloved. I want to believe in our LDR. Everytime I talk with him, he sounds like he's into our LDR too, but when he does this it makes me question it. I feel like an afterthought.

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I'm sorry you're feeling unloved, musgrrl.

 

Have you thought about emailing him about how you feel?

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hoping2heal

6 days??????

 

I can't go more than a day without contacting, or 6 seconds without thinking about him again.

 

6 days? wow

 

Maybe he just isn't where you are yet with this relationship.

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Yeah that was so hard to do. During that time he was on a base training so maybe that did explain it some even though my point was that he did have down time. He could have at least texted me when he had time. He said that he didn't realize that much time had gone by.

 

I'm just so confused because I know that he has been single due to his job because most women don't like the idea that he can be told to pack up and move all over the country. But I really think he also has communication problems which just adds to the problems. It's hard enough having a LDR, but if you don't communicate properly, it makes it even harder.

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I haven't emailed him how I feel this time I guess because we've had this conversation before, but I guess it couldn't hurt.

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I haven't emailed him how I feel this time I guess because we've had this conversation before, but I guess it couldn't hurt.

 

From experience, emails helped us a lot. It was always about the same thing - we felt neglected but we worked through it. You both need to see how you can work this out with his and your schedule.

 

One thing I know, some men take it lightly about putting in an effort to email/sms their partner.

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From experience, emails helped us a lot. It was always about the same thing - we felt neglected but we worked through it. You both need to see how you can work this out with his and your schedule.

 

One thing I know, some men take it lightly about putting in an effort to email/sms their partner.

 

 

Lyssa,

 

Thanks for saying that. I will email him now. I just felt like something was so wrong with our relationship because I see so many peopel on these forums that says that they talk to their SO everyday or so many times a week and I just feel like I would be thrilled if we communicated in some way everyday. But I've given up on that wish.

 

Knowing that I'm not alone on my SO being neglectful in communicating gives me some hope that something is not fundamentally wrong with us. I mean I really do trust him and have no reason to think he's lying to me in any way. And when we talk, we communicate well. It's just this one frustrating thing!!! Arghhh!

 

Anyway, thanks for letting me rant.

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Island Girl

Hi musgrrl

 

I'm not sure if you have e-mailed yet but I have a suggestion for you.

 

I know you have had a conversation about this before. And it makes it that much harder to spell out what you feel and why but it is extremely important to do just that.

 

You have the opportunity to spell it out and not get off on a tangent or be "appeased" without really getting this all out there.

 

You see a future with this man. You want to progress toward that. And regular communication is absolutely necessary for that to happen.

 

If you just send an e-mail that says, "I need to hear from you more and I am feeling neglected here." That is good but it doesn't really put it all out there.

 

There were a couple of times pretty early on -- I'd say in the first 6 months or so -- that my husband and I had an issue like this.

 

I wrote him a really long letter stating how I felt, why I felt the way I did, what I saw from him, and how I was interpreting that.

We had a discussion when he got it but he had a very clear understanding of where I was coming from and how I was "seeing" his inaction.

He addressed it in a more committed way because of that. And we have never had that happen again.

 

Remember to use "I" statements instead of "You" statements. "I feel" statements are the best.

 

These kinds of things (when addressed by both people) can make your relationship even stronger and give both of you an even better understanding of each other.

 

I hope this gets resolved in the most positive way and your relationship is strengthened by it.

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Island Girl,

 

Thank you so much for your advice. I did email him before I saw your post. I emailed him again with a more thoughtful email that explains how I feel, and I used more "I" statements. I told him that I would like to discuss this email over the phone.

 

I'm looking forward to the call. I want him to see that regular communication is a way of showing love. I hope that will make him understand why this is so important.

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Lyssa,

 

Thanks for saying that. I will email him now. I just felt like something was so wrong with our relationship because I see so many peopel on these forums that says that they talk to their SO everyday or so many times a week and I just feel like I would be thrilled if we communicated in some way everyday. But I've given up on that wish.

 

Knowing that I'm not alone on my SO being neglectful in communicating gives me some hope that something is not fundamentally wrong with us. I mean I really do trust him and have no reason to think he's lying to me in any way. And when we talk, we communicate well. It's just this one frustrating thing!!! Arghhh!

 

Anyway, thanks for letting me rant.

 

musgrrl,

 

No worries - you can rant all you want!

 

No one likes being neglected esp by our loved ones. I'm glad you have emailed him and stated that you'd like to talk about this more over the phone. One thing I hated about being away from my fiance was that whenever there was an understanding, we had only emails/phone to communicate and even that sometimes made things worst! The best is to talk face to face and well, being in LDR obviously that was impossible.

 

I'm sure he's a decent man and you both will work through this. Let us know how it goes!

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So he saw my email and we did have a phone conversation about it. It was an opportunity for both of us to get out of our own heads and see things from the other's perspective. I let him know that his lack of communication makes me feel disrespected and unloved and he tried to get me to see how much of a workload he has at work everyday. He says that when he does text me, a lot of times it's when he taking a bathroom break. That when he's at his desk he's overloaded.

 

Ok. I guess this is going to be a process. We are going to have to revisit this topic again and again. I'm sure of it. It's the only way that we are going to understand each other. I mean, I am starting to see how some weeks his schedule is so crazy that he may get so caught up in his work that he doesn't think about communicating with anyone, not even his mother. I am still going to remind him that effort on his part is expected or else I will take it as a sign of disrespect.

 

Maybe I'm just a blabbermouth or maybe he doesn't like the phone. We are hardly ever on the phone over 30 minutes before he has to get off for some reason or another. It's just frustrating. My last boyfriend was a chatterbox and I sort of miss that...lol. But I have to accept my current SO for who he is. A shy, not very talkative cop.

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Yeah! it's not easy to have a Gf/Bf that you are far away from each other. But i missed my GF and unfortunately we broke up 1 month ago.:lmao:

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