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Do you think he's Worth it to go long-distance?


Long-Distance Relationships Coping with geographical distance can make or break a LDR. Share your experiences and questions here.

Old 17th May 2009, 6:51 AM   #1
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Unhappy Do you think he's Worth it to go long-distance?

I'm 21 years old and I live in Houston, Texas. I will get my bachelor's degree in Spring 2010. My boyfriend is 23 years old, and he just got accepted to Optometry school in Florida to become an eye doctor. He will need to go to school there for 4 more years. We met at the college in Houston (we went to the same college), and we've been together for a little over two years now. However, we went long-distance about 3 weeks ago because of his school acceptance in Florida. During the time he lived in Houston, he would visit me about once or twice a week (I know, it's not that much).

What I don't understand is that he doesn't start school in Florida until August and he has the option to stay in Houston with his older sister, but he's not... why doesn't he want to spend time with me as much as he can until he starts school? His apartment contract ended at the end of April, so he needed to stay somewhere. He has the option of staying with his older sister in Houston, but instead he temporarily moves in with his little sister that is 4 hours away from where I live and plans to move to Florida at the end of July.

He claims that his his older sister's apartment is "too small and uncomfy" and that is why he doesn't want to stay there. But if I was in his position, I would definately stay with her so I can spend time with him. Am I just being selfish?

I invited him to go on a trip with me and my family to Las Vegas and offered to pay for it, but his response was "I want to go, but I don't want to take up your family time." I don't know if he's telling the truth. I hate comparing, but if he was my ex, I know my ex would have gone in a heart beat because he would want to spend as much time with me as he could. But my boyfriend isn't... I'm so confused. In the past, he tells me he white lies to people and me to not hurt people's feelings. So now, I'm not sure if he's just saying something to protect my feeling.

A few days ago, we both admitted that we feel distant from each other, but it seems like he doesn't really care. He puts the blame on me and says it's because I have a lot of things on my plate (school, studying for the MCAT) and that's why we don't talk often. Even if we talk on the phone, it'll be only for 10 minutes-tops. If I'm lucky, maybe 30 minutes. His friend visited him over the weekend, and he can't even talk to me on the phone in front of his friends! He has to step outside to talk to me....

He still texts and calls me every day. Tell me he loves me in text messages, sometimes on the phone. He told me his plans of us being together in the future... he'll move to whever I'm located after he graduates and all that marriage-talk. However, in my heart... I feel like he's not putting in the effort. Oh yea, I failed to mention that I'm his first girlfriend... maybe he just doesn't have experience and doesn't know what to do???

He says he's going to visit me in a couple weeks, but I just don't know what to do. Am I just being too needy? As you can see, I keep blaming myself and making excuses for his actions... what do you all think??
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Old 17th May 2009, 3:58 PM   #2
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lmnguye4 View Post
During the time he lived in Houston, he would visit me about once or twice a week (I know, it's not that much).
You have been together for 2 years and during that time, while you were in the same city, you only saw each other once or twice a week? Why is that?

Quote:
Originally Posted by lmnguye4 View Post
What I don't understand is that he doesn't start school in Florida until August and he has the option to stay in Houston with his older sister, but he's not... why doesn't he want to spend time with me as much as he can until he starts school?
You'd have to ask him.

But I'd imagine he wants to stay where he is most comfortable. And since you guys are going LD in just a few months maybe he thinks it is "easing into it" or something.

Only he really knows.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lmnguye4 View Post
He claims that his his older sister's apartment is "too small and uncomfy" and that is why he doesn't want to stay there. But if I was in his position, I would definately stay with her so I can spend time with him. Am I just being selfish?
That is how you'd react. Certainly I'd feel the same way.

But I also would have had a problem seeing each other 3 times a week in the same city going on 2 years.

Even 4 hours away by car isn't that far. You could still see each other. How often do you plan on doing that?

Quote:
Originally Posted by lmnguye4 View Post
I invited him to go on a trip with me and my family to Las Vegas and offered to pay for it, but his response was "I want to go, but I don't want to take up your family time." I don't know if he's telling the truth.
If you have been together for 2 years and you have doubts like this about him telling you the truth there could very well be a difficult if not impossible road ahead.

LDRs are so hard in many ways but so much depends on communication and believing the other person.

Why do you have these doubts? Do you have some history with this man that causes you to doubt his sincerity or his words to you?

Quote:
Originally Posted by lmnguye4 View Post
I hate comparing, but if he was my ex, I know my ex would have gone in a heart beat because he would want to spend as much time with me as he could. But my boyfriend isn't... I'm so confused. In the past, he tells me he white lies to people and me to not hurt people's feelings. So now, I'm not sure if he's just saying something to protect my feeling.
Ahhh. So he has told you he does lie. And it would hurt your feelings (rightfully so!) if he told you he just didn't want to go.

Have you caught him in white lies to you before?

Don't compare him to your ex. That is unfair and counterproductive. He is a completely different person.

What you can compare is how you feel with each. Do you feel as loved and supported with your current boyfriend?
It seems the answer is no.
And if you don't, then have you felt this way the entire relationship?
When you have not seen each other very often, have you complained about that in the past? If so, what was the outcome then?

Quote:
Originally Posted by lmnguye4 View Post
A few days ago, we both admitted that we feel distant from each other, but it seems like he doesn't really care. He puts the blame on me and says it's because I have a lot of things on my plate (school, studying for the MCAT) and that's why we don't talk often. Even if we talk on the phone, it'll be only for 10 minutes-tops. If I'm lucky, maybe 30 minutes. His friend visited him over the weekend, and he can't even talk to me on the phone in front of his friends! He has to step outside to talk to me....
There is a whole lot going on in this paragraph.

I am assuming both of you have access to free long distance. Please correct me if I am wrong.
And you only speak for 10 minutes and there are only random calls going on?
That doesn't seem good.

Did you used to talk often on the phone or over the internet?

And stepping away from his friends - well, my husband sometimes has to step away from people because they are so loud I can't hear him - maybe that has something to do with it.
But if he is 4 hours away now then how are his friends always around?

Quote:
Originally Posted by lmnguye4 View Post
He still texts and calls me every day.
Wait. He calls everyday. So are these the ten minute calls? Do they happen often throughout the day?

And he is texting and keeping chatting going that way too. So I guess I don't understand.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lmnguye4 View Post
Tell me he loves me in text messages, sometimes on the phone. He told me his plans of us being together in the future... he'll move to whever I'm located after he graduates and all that marriage-talk. However, in my heart... I feel like he's not putting in the effort. Oh yea, I failed to mention that I'm his first girlfriend... maybe he just doesn't have experience and doesn't know what to do???
It sounds like he is only considering you for his future.

But it sounds like his effort isn't nearly enough for you. And of that is the case then when you go LD it is going to take a lot more.
Have you guys talked about how much reassurance you need and how much effort you need to see so you are comfortable?

Quote:
Originally Posted by lmnguye4 View Post
He says he's going to visit me in a couple weeks, but I just don't know what to do. Am I just being too needy? As you can see, I keep blaming myself and making excuses for his actions... what do you all think??
I think you need more and have needed more attention and reassurances.

I think you have a lot of insecurities and that some of the things he has said has just added fuel to those fires.

If he is 4 hours away and seeing his friends why isn't he seeing you. And why aren't you going to see him?
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