I feel like I'm losing interest. :(

[NeverLetMeDownAgain]

I have a very long-lasting (and long-distance!) LDR with a person whom I consider my best friend. (My previous posts, all two of them, outline that slightly - but that particular situation is said and done. It might be germane, though. Please keep reading.) The total time? It'll be two years this summer. We've spent nearly every day of that 2 years talking, talking, talking. Things have been very rocky between us, due to the fact that neither of us trusts the other - or at least we didn't. It's taken all that time to get to a level where we're both comfortable and happy with one another.

 

The problem now? I almost feel as if I'm losing interest in him, day by day, very slowly. We had a situation earlier this year where he had said some very cruel (albeit out of blind anger) things to me, and ever since then... I've unconsciously, slowly started to pull away from him. The day that he'd said those things to me, I literally felt my heart crack - and it's never been the same since. I keep trying to tell myself that he didn't mean any of those things, and that it was said in anger (and I know it was)... but you see, it's taken so long for both of us to trust in the other. And now that we're at that level... everything said, even things in the heat of the moment, have the potential to always wound. You can't take things back once they're said. I can't forget some of what he'd said to me. That I was a liar, that I would "probably accuse him of harassment" (he's been falsely accused of sexual harassment in the past and it's severely scarred him, probably for good), that I would abandon him the second he started to let down his guard... much more.

 

I probably didn't help things by accusing him of 'being like everyone else who's ever hurt me', either.

 

I'm due to see him this summer, close to when our 2 year anniversary will approach. It's a very, very long trip (over 10,000 miles away) and... in honesty, this sounds bad, but I'm not sure I want to go now. It's not because I don't love him - I do. More than ever. After everything we've been through together, and there's been a lot! But... ever since this happened earlier this year, when we had that row... I feel like my heart's just broken and that I can't get the pieces back together.

 

I can't talk to him about this, because he's already of the opinion that "all he does is hurt me". His self-esteem is more or less in the toilet, and always has been. It's taken 2 years for him to trust me as much as he does. I don't know what to do. I want to tell him that I'm hurt still, that my feelings are dying - or have died - but in truth I don't know how I feel. It's only been a day since I've spoken to him - but that's longer than we've gone without talking for nearly a year and a half. I don't know how I'm going to feel tomorrow, or if I'm going to panic by extending a 'no contact rule' or what. I don't want to lose him. But I can't deny that my feelings have changed. I just don't know how badly.

 

I feel lost.

 

Thanks for listening.

[TMichaels]

NeverLetMeDownAgain,

 

I would take the "deadness" you feel right now as an indication of what your gut is telling you. It sounds like to me like the relationship has just become too much work. You both have trust issues, you've tried to overcome them, in frustration you've both lashed out, hurt each other, and you can't even talk about it with him because it will just affirm his on-going problem low self-esteem which you've been trying to "fix."

 

What to do about it? Well, your "reunion" is a few months off -- you have time to determine whether you want to get together or not. Even though you feel you can't talk to him about your feelings, you're not doing either one of you any favors by bottling things up.

 

Why can't you call and tell him that you need to talk to him about something that's been on your conscience -- and because he means so much to you, you want to get it off your chest. Tell him it's been bothering you that the two of you said some things a few months ago in anger, you feel awful about it and don't want those feelings to come in between you and your relationship. Apologize for your part in it, and see what he says. Most likely he will apologize in return.

 

It's possible once you have that sorted, you'll feel better about things. If not, the argument and the fight are symptoms of your frustration with the relationship as a whole and you probably would be better off getting out of it and not trying to fix something that really isn't your problem to fix.

 

Best of luck to you.

 

HTH,

TMichaels

[jessicarabbit]

I am going threw the exact same thing right now, My boyfriend and I live 3,000 miles away from each other, we talk every day, he is my lover and my best friend. But recently things have been changing and I am scared. I began to feel like I was loosing intrest in him and was being very short with him, he asked me what was wrong one day and I just told him that I didnt feel the same anymore. He took the news the complete wrong way and flipped out, and also said some very mean things to me. One thing that he said that really bothered me was that our relationship is cracked and it will never be fixed. I know it was out of anger, but it really hurt because I believe that if you really try, anything can be fixed. Now I feel so weird when I talk to him, I feel it is just right, I feel like it is not like it use to be. I am scared because I love him and I really dont want to loose him, and Im suppose to go see him in 9 days and now all this is going on. I am hoping that when I see him these lost feelings will go away and we will love again...and I hope that happens for you too.

[NeverLetMeDownAgain]

I would take the "deadness" you feel right now as an indication of what your gut is telling you. It sounds like to me like the relationship has just become too much work.

 

Honestly... yeah. Sometimes I do feel that way. But it's so much a day-to-day thing. One day, I'll be thinking to myself, "Why do I go on with this, what is the point of it all, I'm so done with it and with him"... and then the next day, I'll think to myself, "How could I even think about walking away? I love this guy, he's my best friend and my closest ally in the world.." And that's just it, he is very much that.

 

There's a bit more to this than I've explained, and that's this - he is absolutely petrified that I'll leave him. I mean... he's scared to death. The trust issue is a very sensitive one with both of us - we're both very closed-off people, not social, we relate very well on that scale. I used to have that extreme fear that he would leave me - now it seems to be that he's feeling it more than I. And to be honest, the thought of leaving him (and knowing what it'll do to him) both keeps me from doing it.. and it breaks my heart to think about it.

 

What to do about it? Well, your "reunion" is a few months off -- you have time to determine whether you want to get together or not. Even though you feel you can't talk to him about your feelings, you're not doing either one of you any favors by bottling things up.

 

A lot of the problem with the two of us is that we both have some communication issues - again, because of the general lack of trust (not between us, but with the world at large, if that makes sense). He often feels misunderstood, he's had some social problems in the past (due to a diagnosed disorder - the thing with the false 'sexual harrassment' grew out of that very situation), and it's taken him a very long time to feel comfortable talking to me. When he and I have a fight, here lately it's often been very cruel, cutting, and full of missed signals (on both of our parts). Most of that is frustration because we're just not.. getting it, if you know what I mean.

 

Once things are straightened out and we both understand the other, the fights are as if they've never been. It's very strange, that.

 

But it's for that reason that I hesitate to bring up any problems, because I live in fear that he's going to take things the wrong way, and here we go again down the rollercoaster, so to speak. It always gets worked out - but the way we both handle it is dismal. We need better coping skills. Even he agrees with that, a lot of the time. But how do we go about that?

 

Why can't you call and tell him that you need to talk to him about something that's been on your conscience -- and because he means so much to you, you want to get it off your chest. Tell him it's been bothering you that the two of you said some things a few months ago in anger, you feel awful about it and don't want those feelings to come in between you and your relationship. Apologize for your part in it, and see what he says. Most likely he will apologize in return.

 

That conversation's been held, and he did indeed apologize - after a day or two of silence, again not like us at all. It's all said and done, only I keep remembering it, especially when I get irritated with him or feel that an issue needs to be brought up - it'll come back to me, the things he said. I really try not to hold a grudge, but he can unfortunately be extremely cruel when he loses control of his temper. (I can, too, so he's not the only guilty party here. I've wounded him just as badly with words. We're shockingly alike in a lot of respects and that one is no different.)

 

It's possible once you have that sorted, you'll feel better about things. If not, the argument and the fight are symptoms of your frustration with the relationship as a whole and you probably would be better off getting out of it and not trying to fix something that really isn't your problem to fix.

 

Well, a lot of the frustration is the fact that while he's made remarkable steps in trusting me and in confiding in me - our feelings are the same, I'm pretty sure of this - he still has a great deal of difficulty in "throwing caution to the wind", which I guess is a symptom of where he's coming from. I'm not sure. Some of it is that we're so damned far apart right now, nearly half a world away. He's coming to my country in time permanently, but it's going to take a couple of years due to his life circumstances.

 

In the meantime, visits, phone calls and IMs. Not much of a substitution, but we're best friends first and foremost, which is always a good thing to be.

 

TMichaels, I've read some of your posts on the LD board and you seem to have it together as far as advice. If you have more insight into this, that would be fabulous.

 

Frustration sucks, don't it?

[Ronni_W]

Whether or not your relationship has reached its natural end remains to be seen, of course.

 

This is more about the recent incident. In these situations, we tend to focus exclusively on our own pain, and forget to generate some understanding and empathy for the other person's hurt and distress.

 

It can help to try to put yourself in HIS shoes right before he said those "cruel" things. What was he so blind angry about? What was he feeling BEFORE lashing out at the nearest target (you)?

Scared? Betrayed? Hopeless? Inadequate? Despairing? Lonely? Incompetent? Like a loser? Anxious?

 

If you can, realize that what he said was not about you but ABOUT HIM reacting to his own negative emotions. (Not that he handled it well, just that making it all about YOU ends up being rather self-absorbed.)

 

Sometimes, you'll arrive at something like, "Omigawd, my poor guy! He was feeling awful, and I didn't do enough to comfort him. I just turned the focus back on my own feelings and needs." And hopefully that will help to see your way clear of feeling "lost"...so you can make relationship decisions from a place of clarity and strength.

 

For the long-term, both people learning better communication skills never hurt a relationship . And maybe at least one of you might also benefit from some healthy anger management techniques. (Screaming hurtful things is never appropriate and, as he may soon come to find out, can leave permanent damage.)

 

Best of luck.

[TMichaels]

Honestly... yeah. Sometimes I do feel that way. But it's so much a day-to-day thing. One day, I'll be thinking to myself, "Why do I go on with this, what is the point of it all, I'm so done with it and with him"... and then the next day, I'll think to myself, "How could I even think about walking away? I love this guy, he's my best friend and my closest ally in the world.." And that's just it, he is very much that.

 

Apologies to Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, but his "Little Girl" has a lot in common with relationships:

 

There was a little girl,

Who had a little curl,

Right in the middle of her forehead.

When she was good,

She was very good indeed,

But when she was bad she was horrid.

 

No doubt about it, when relationships are going well, they are very good indeed. But, when they're going badly, horrid is putting it mildly.

 

All kidding aside, I don't know anyone, in any relationship, that hasn't at one time or another, not been 100% happy. So, from that respect, it's inevitable there will ups and downs. But, that doesn't totally explain your initial complaint -- that you feel like you're losing interest.

 

From what you've written, it still sounds to me like you're frustrated and weary of all the drama that results from the almost manic-depressive-like relationship the two seem to have. That much swing of the pendulum isn't good. One of these times the two of you are going to wound each other so badly, no amount of apologizing or groveling is going to patch things up. If you're going to fix anything here, NeverLetMeDownAgain, it's got to be the conquering the destructive cycle you both seem to be in.

 

There's a bit more to this than I've explained, and that's this - he is absolutely petrified that I'll leave him. I mean... he's scared to death. The trust issue is a very sensitive one with both of us - we're both very closed-off people, not social, we relate very well on that scale. I used to have that extreme fear that he would leave me - now it seems to be that he's feeling it more than I.

 

Why do you think things have flip-flopped? Is it because you've grown more comfortable with the relationship? Could it be that now you know he's scared to death you'll leave HIM, you think he'll never leave YOU?

 

And to be honest, the thought of leaving him (and knowing what it'll do to him) both keeps me from doing it.. and it breaks my heart to think about it.

 

While it's never a good thing to knowingly do something to hurt another, you can't be 100% responsible for another person's happiness, Also consider, it's not a compliment to love someone or keep them around out of pity.

 

A lot of the problem with the two of us is that we both have some communication issues - again, because of the general lack of trust (not between us, but with the world at large, if that makes sense). He often feels misunderstood, he's had some social problems in the past (due to a diagnosed disorder - the thing with the false 'sexual harrassment' grew out of that very situation), and it's taken him a very long time to feel comfortable talking to me.

 

While it's good you two can empathize with each other's difficulties in trusting, communication and relating to others, once again, the onus is on each of you to be responsible for your own happiness and actions. It's simply not fair or realistic to expect someone else to take responsibility for your own problems or inadequacies.

 

When he and I have a fight, here lately it's often been very cruel, cutting, and full of missed signals (on both of our parts). Most of that is frustration because we're just not.. getting it, if you know what I mean.

Once things are straightened out and we both understand the other, the fights are as if they've never been. It's very strange, that.

 

Well, yes and no. Not trying to play amateur psychologist here, but I wonder whether or not these fights are some sort of subsconsious test or game the two of you are playing with each other -- i.e. "how badly can I act and still have him/her love me?" Or, "I know how much I don't deserve to be loved -- I will prove it to him/her by hurting them as much as I do -- and if they walk away, I was right all along. I'M NOT worth it."

 

But it's for that reason that I hesitate to bring up any problems, because I live in fear that he's going to take things the wrong way, and here we go again down the rollercoaster, so to speak. It always gets worked out - but the way we both handle it is dismal. We need better coping skills. Even he agrees with that, a lot of the time. But how do we go about that?

 

Have you ever considered that *the reason* you end up exploding and joining in the fight is the fact that you've been trying to walk around on eggshells and finally the frustration of trying to keep the peace is exactly why you lose your cool?

 

That conversation's been held, and he did indeed apologize - after a day or two of silence, again not like us at all. It's all said and done, only I keep remembering it, especially when I get irritated with him or feel that an issue needs to be brought up - it'll come back to me, the things he said. I really try not to hold a grudge, but he can unfortunately be extremely cruel when he loses control of his temper. (I can, too, so he's not the only guilty party here. I've wounded him just as badly with words. We're shockingly alike in a lot of respects and that one is no different.)

 

Well, the only way that you're going to break this cycle is not engage in it. I am not talking about tip-toeing around sacred cows. What I'm talking about it refusing to be drawn in and take part.

 

I'm not sure what you're arguing about, but let's say he accuses you of something that's untrue. You could respond by getting defensive and say: "You ungrateful jerk! I never said that! That's a lie!" and then proceed to duke it out from there.

 

Or, you could say: "I feel so hurt when you say you don't trust me. I want you to always feel I am the one person you can trust and talk to."

 

Do you notice the difference? When you responding by using "I feel," "I think" statements followed up by what behavior you'd like to the other person to engage in, instead of "You" statements that assign blame, the "argument" takes a whole different direction and tone.

 

Continue to defuse the situation by saying: "Help me understand why you are so upset" and repeat back whatever it is you thought he was saying is the problem -- you don't have to repeat it verbatim, re-phrase it if you need to -- the purpose is two-fold: so that he knows you heard his complaint and that you're trying to understand, and to give you a chance to get a better grasp of what led to the misunderstanding in the first place so you can resolve the issue and avoid the same problem in the future.

 

Another tip, is to stick to one issue at a time. That also means, don't drag up past issues, focus on the one that is the problem at hand. Your fight will never be resolved if touch on a number of problems, and fail to stick to one.

 

These are just a few ideas. For more, Google terms like "constructive fighting" or "constructive arguments." You'll find lots of sites out there with helpful strategies on how to deal with feelings, disagreements and misunderstandings in relationships.

 

Well, a lot of the frustration is the fact that while he's made remarkable steps in trusting me and in confiding in me - our feelings are the same, I'm pretty sure of this - he still has a great deal of difficulty in "throwing caution to the wind", which I guess is a symptom of where he's coming from. I'm not sure.

 

How do you define "throwing caution to the wind?" Not being forthcoming about his feelings? Being reticent about moving to your country? Since you're from two different parts of the globe have you considered his "wind caution level" might not be the same as yours due to cultural differences?

 

Some of it is that we're so damned far apart right now, nearly half a world away. He's coming to my country in time permanently, but it's going to take a couple of years due to his life circumstances.

 

While it's possible that your frustrations could be lessened and your relationship improved if you were physically together, just as easily your mutual trust and communication problems could become even bigger issues in real life.

 

Frankly, NeverLetMeDown Again, if the two of you can't get a handle on solving your disagreements in a more constructive way now, I would worry your arguments might be even more intense in real life to the point of them becoming physical. DO NOT let this relationship progress to the point that he moves to your country, unless you've successfully figured out a way to stop the pattern you are in.

 

In the meantime, visits, phone calls and IMs. Not much of a substitution, but we're best friends first and foremost, which is always a good thing to be. Frustration sucks, don't it?

 

LOL... Yes, it does. And, to bring this post full circle, "it's horrid, (even on the best of days!)

 

Take care, and good luck!

 

Best,

TMichaels

Edited March 16, 2008 by TMichaels