Complicated LDR...but I don't want it to be!

[loquaciousl]

Hi there,

 

So I've posted before and this one will be a doozy.

 

I have been dating a guy for four months. I'm 29 and he's 34. At first, as all things go, our dating-ship was great. He lives 100 miles away and we at first decided it would be good to take it slow. He said he thought it would be good to take it slow since he had been divorced and such. I at first balked at the idea but later thought it good as well since I have the tendency to rush things.

 

First, the positives: He and I have the same sense of humor. We like the simple things in life. We love children (he has one, I don't). We're both spiritual and sensitive. We're both very honest people and very loving with each other.

 

Then, the not so rosy side: The distance is hard to deal with at times. Neither of us are in a position to move closer to each other for at least a year. Sometimes we get into stupid squabbles. Unfortunately, some of this is my fault (it would be so easy to point the finger) because I have had a lot of problems with my family since he and I have met. Not because of him, but because of the fact that my family is very critical of me and said some really hurtful things recently that are taking me awhile to get over. I at times have anxiety issues and am on anti anxiety medication. I have been insecure with him at times because he isn't really verbal about things and I have been through a lot with men in the past 10 years or so. My therapist says that he and I are like "wounded children holding hand in the sandbox," ie, we are helping each other get better. However, we are trying to do this without being codependent. At first, he would send cute text msgs and such and now he doesn't. When I asked him why, he said it was because at times my emotionalness is draining ( and he has been very patient with me) and it causes him to shut down. Lately I have been finding myself repeating patterns, ie, being nagging....and finding a lot of flaws with him. On my end, I know it's because I've been very emotionally shattered these last few months. On his end:

 

1. He lives at home. He's been divorced over a year and moved from KS back to CA to live with his folks. A few months ago he said he was moving out in November. We talked about it today and I was asking what his game plan for himself was and he said he didn't know, and cited a garnishment of his wages for a past bill as the reason it was holding him back. Then he got on my case and said I was attacking him because of my tone of voice. I got frustrated with him because I think he should have some idea of what he wants to do with himself.

 

2. He smokes mj. Now, I do every now and again with him, but he smokes it a lot. I think there's a difference btwn. recreational use and like 4 times a day. I told him that his excessive use bugs me and he said he knows he smokes it too much.

 

Other than those things, we're good. I just hate the fact I've had personal problems not related to him that make me tense when we're around each other. It drains us both. I love him, he always tells me he loves me, and he's very steadfast. I feel like I've ruined things but he tells me that he loves who I am. So what do I do? What recourse do I have at this point in our relationship? I can be headstrong and I know it but I want "us" back. I wonder if stress is exacerbated by distance. Any thoughts are welcome.

[shadowplay]

how often doyou see each other? 100 miles isn't much distance.

[loquaciousl]

We see each other most weekends..