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Does Taking a Break Ever Really Work in an LDR?


Long-Distance Relationships Coping with geographical distance can make or break a LDR. Share your experiences and questions here.

Old 11th October 2007, 2:15 PM   #1
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Does Taking a Break Ever Really Work in an LDR?

Hey guys,
I'm sort of new to this site but I've been reading up on a lot of stuff trying to figure out my own situation. So, here's the situation. Summer after my freshman year of college (i'm a senior now), I met this girl who was just starting her Junior year of high school (she's college freshman now). And she asked me out and things were great and I really hadn't planned on anything too serious over the summer, but we meshed so well that we didn't really want to end it over. So I went off to college like 2 and a half hours away, and we've been managing with the distance seeing each other on weekends and breaks, and of course over the summer. SO let me preface this next part by saying that I was her first real relationship and first real anything for that matter. She was a pretty shy girl when I met her. So she's in college now at a school that's like 2 and half hours from either home or school (I'm NW Ohio, she's in SE Ohio, home is NE Ohio). And she called me up seemingly out of the blue telling me that she wants to take a break. She said that there's not anyone else, there's nothing i did wrong, and that she could see herself marrying me some point down the road. But she says by the same token she wants some time to think of nobody else but her, and that if she stayed together how was she ever going to know that at some point down the road. She said she can't go out and have fun or let her guard down around all these people she doesn't know cause she doesn't want to hurt me. She said the last thing she wants to do is break up, but that we cant be in a serious relationship with her feeling this way. I agreed that she needs her space and needs some time to figure it out. However, she still wants to talk me like we normally do and wants me to come see her in like 3 weekends. Is she really just leading me on? Could this work? How should I act during this whole time? Should I only wait on her to call me, or go NC? Any advice is greatly appreciated. Thanks in Advance.

Mark
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Old 11th October 2007, 2:21 PM   #2
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She is arranging to put you on the back burner while she goes out and explores other possibilities. In a case like this, your best bet is to take the break she handed you and hand her back a breakup. If you get back together one day, then fine - but there's no point really in hanging around in limbo waiting for that to happen. You never know, you may end up meeting someone yourself and you'll be glad you weren't waiting around on someone else's back burner, when you have a woman who will make you the priority and not the option.
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Old 11th October 2007, 2:30 PM   #3
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I very well may break up with her at some point or she may well break up with me. She said that she's not looking to like get out of a relationship with me and get into another relationship with some other guy. Just that she wants the freedom to i guess flirt with guys when she's out and dance etc. (Stuff I had been doing during the entirety of the distance of our relationship cause I felt like I needed the confidence boost/feeling of being attractive/wanted) That's why she said she wants this break or rather a non-exclusive relationship cause she only wants to think about/answer to herself for awhile. And I kind of think maybe she needs a little time to grow up. And atleast for a little bit I'm going to wait it out. Like I'll still be going out and stuff and not moping, but I guess I'm just asking if this ever works? or what would be the best way for this to work out/work out the situation that I decided to be in?
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Old 11th October 2007, 3:52 PM   #4
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No, it doesn't work. Breaks work if "I need to study for the bar exam for the next two months, and with my mom just having died, the relationship is adding too much stress for me." Breaks to see what else is out there do not work. Plus, it is flat out insulting. "You'll do until someone else comes along." Break up with her.
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Old 11th October 2007, 4:06 PM   #5
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a LDR is essentially a break for most people to begin with, less contact is a nail in the proverbial coffin
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Old 11th October 2007, 4:19 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tomwiz View Post
a LDR is essentially a break for most people to begin with, less contact is a nail in the proverbial coffin
Agreed. You need more transparency in a LDR to establish trust. For example, since you CAN'T meet friends, etc, if you call your LD bf/gf, and they are out to dinner with friends, they should pick up and say "I am out to dinner with friends but I'll be done in an our and I'll call you back then." Actually, your bf/gf should always do this...my point is, to make a LD relationship work, it requires visibility. Less contact diminishes visibility.
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Old 11th October 2007, 5:30 PM   #7
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I understand where you guys are both coming from, however we're not contacting or talking less. We're talking the same amount and it's still be sometimes she'll call me and sometimes I call her like it's always been since we started this whole thing.
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Old 29th October 2007, 1:56 AM   #8
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I agree with everyone else - I was in a LDR for 4 yrs and he started cheating on me 2 yrs into it. I definitely should have broken up with him when he started asking for a break...End it well, end it now.
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Old 30th October 2007, 7:12 AM   #9
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You are wanting a caring loving relationship with her and she is interested only in your friendship?
You're setting yourself up for some major hurt.
She doesn't want to hurt your "feelings" yet has no idea of how much she is doing so . Put a stop to this and cease contact. She's become quite popular where she is, and doesn't want to have any encumbrance running over from her past to her present life.
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Old 30th October 2007, 10:43 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by msplion View Post
I understand where you guys are both coming from, however we're not contacting or talking less. We're talking the same amount and it's still be sometimes she'll call me and sometimes I call her like it's always been since we started this whole thing.

So you say now. But as time goes on and both of you continue to "explore", do you honestly think you'll be able to talk to each other with as much ease as you do now - knowing that you're technically still in a relationship but that you've been getting "friendly" with other ppl?? It's just not logical or realistic. Be prepared for a lot of awkward pauses and vague responses when you ask each other what you did over the weekend.

Best bet is to break up. This doesn't mean that you have to end all contact with her. Talk to each other as much as you both want but at least if you're broken up you'll have ALOT less to feel guilty/betrayed about. Get back together when you're both ready to fully commit.

Much Luck!
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Last edited by LexiB; 30th October 2007 at 10:51 PM..
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Old 30th October 2007, 10:53 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LucreziaBorgia View Post
She is arranging to put you on the back burner while she goes out and explores other possibilities. In a case like this, your best bet is to take the break she handed you and hand her back a breakup. If you get back together one day, then fine - but there's no point really in hanging around in limbo waiting for that to happen. You never know, you may end up meeting someone yourself and you'll be glad you weren't waiting around on someone else's back burner,when you have a woman who will make you the priority and not the option.
Nicely put
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