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Do I need Professional - GF's past, jealously, PTSD?


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Wookin Pa Nub

I'm sure some of you have seen my posts in the past or will dive back into my history and overanalyze but try to keep open mind and give genuine advice. I have reunited with my college gf from 24+ years ago.

 

 

My gf and I dated in college for almost 3 years (1991-94). Was my first love and it was incredible relationship. We talked about marriage. Her sophomore year of college (93-94), she was meeting new friends who liked to party. We ended up growing apart. In late January 1994 she wanted a break. Didn't see each other for a week or two. Then gradually started to "hang out" a bit. IIRC there was no talk of being officially, back together. In late Feb 1994 I ended up cheating. She found out and said we are done. She was furious.

 

 

I had a rough couple years after that. She threw new bf's, hook ups in my face a bit. We both eventually went our separate ways, got married and had kids. I always thought about her. I was in an unhealthy marriage and was at breaking point. Jan 2017 I called ex gf and we met for coffee. Turns out she was in unhealthy marriage and thought of me a lot. Things escalated quickly and we are head over heels in love again. She had already started divorce process before I called her. I ended up separating from my ex-W.

 

 

My gf and I have talked about the chain of events of 24 years ago. I told her how much it hurt when she told me she slept with a guy right after we broke up and how she threw other stuff in my face. She apologized and said she was angry and wanted to hurt me but that was immature of her. We both admitted to making mistakes 24 years ago and forgave each other.

 

 

We've talked about our sexual past after we broke up and before we each got married. She slept with 4 guys including her husband after me She also mentioned other guys she dated but didn't sleep with or she would go to frat parties and "kiss" lots of boys. I guess it's because I have a lot of regret on how things ended. it makes me sick to my stomach to think of her during those couple years. The guy right after me was a hockey player. I hate hockey to this day. Another guy she got set up for a weekend ski trip in Colorado. Didn't know him, never saw him again. I see skiing on tv or see a anything about Colorado and I get a sick feeling in my stomach.

 

 

I get these images of her being with these guys in my head. I worry about it affecting our intimacy. How abnormal is this?

 

 

She even told a story of her good friend in college who slept with this semi-famous basketball player. Black guy with dread locks. I get images and wonder what basketball player my gf hooked up with that night.

 

 

So now I found out some new information. Early in my story above I mentioned we broke up because I cheated. It was unclear if we were even back together. She wanted a break several weeks before. So she tells me two days ago she had "kissed" lots of boys right after she called wanting a break and before I cheated. But then she dumped me for cheating. I know this is silly and it was 24 years ago but I am having a little issue with this. She claimed it was unclear if we were back together when I cheated but we were hanging out that night.

 

 

We do have an incredible relationship now. We are both much more mature and dedicated to each other. I have absolutely no concerns of her cheating. I just worry about these things in my head too much. How do I stop having thoughts of her "activities" after we broke up 24 years ago? I think it was just a painful time in my life and don't understand how a girl who loved me so much could stop loving me and be with other guys.

 

 

Do I need professional help? I wonder if I have ptsd from our break up from 24 years ago.

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this was over 24 years ago so this will make you in your 40's? Ya you need to talk to someone. A mature mind (sorry to say it that way) wouldn't be looking so far back. Everyone has a past especially at your age. It is what it is, and shouldn't dwell on it or even care to know about it....I know I wouldn't if I was dating again.

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Space Ritual
I see skiing on tv or see a anything about Colorado and I get a sick feeling in my stomach.

 

IDK....Colfax Avenue in Denver is a might fine place to go when you want to dip your toes into the gutter once or twice. I gave it rave reviews...lol.

 

About the other stuff.

 

24 years is an eternity, and for many,half a lifetime ago. People change. People don't always have 100 percent command of the facts. More often, their facts as they see them is what they are in command of.

 

24 years ago I was an absolute Monster. But those are facts as I see them now.

 

Do you remember when I commented on your other threads?

 

Let go of the outcome.

 

What is in the past cannot be changed. Neither of you are what you were 24 years ago.

 

Let go of the outcome.

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Wookin Pa Nub

Space - you give good advice as usual.

 

 

I do my best not to hold it against her and I never got angry with her. I tell her just don't bring that stuff up because I have too much regret.

 

 

I just can't get thoughts out of my head. It's almost an obsession. I get images of her with these guys, what she did on spring break after we broke up, her going to frat parties, her other spring break trip she mentioned, her with her ex H during their dating years (weird it doesn't affect me thinking of their married years). I've never told her I get these thoughts.

 

 

On the flip side, I get ecstatic when we are out in public together and I know she is with me and guys are checking her out. Or when she tells me a guys asked her out and she told him she's seeing someone. or when she went on cruise right after we reconnected and a good looking guy was pursuing her on the cruise and she had no interest because she wanted me.

 

 

I guess I felt abandoned 24 years ago and it was painful. It feels good now when she "chooses me".

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I absolutely think you need to talk to a professional. It's not normal to be this obsessed and sick over things that happened 24 years ago when you weren't even together with her.

 

So she tells me two days ago she had "kissed" lots of boys right after she called wanting a break and before I cheated.

 

Why are the two of you even talking about this stuff now????

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I have absolutely no concerns of her cheating.

 

1. That is a lie you tell yourself

2. You just both cheated on your spouses, with each other.

 

I just worry about these things in my head too much. How do I stop having thoughts of her "activities" after we broke up 24 years ago? I think it was just a painful time in my life and don't understand how a girl who loved me so much could stop loving me and be with other guys.

 

This is because you "absolutely have concerns she will cheat on you",...again. Just like she did in college, and just like she recently did with her husband (with your help). You have these thoughts because you don't really trust her.

 

But at this point what does it matter? Go for it. It will either work, or it won't work. If it doesn't, then as the saying goes, you've both "Made your beds,...now lay in them".

 

I think you are both cheaters, and "Once a cheater, always a cheater".

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Wookin Pa Nub

PRW

 

 

As our relationship stands today I have NO concerns of her cheating whatsoever. I do get in my head about history repeating. As 20 year olds we started out madly in love, infatuated with each other. Same could be said for our relationship now. We even joke we are like smitten teenagers.

 

 

As 20 year olds she was the one that pushed me away initially. My take was I had put on weight, was struggling in school/finding job after college, not looking my best. She was in college where there was an abundance of opportunities that were above my sexual market value. She recently said she pushed me away bc she was scared. I was only her second serious bf and we were talking about marriage. I met her when she was 17.

 

 

Today I worry about history repeating. She is a fit yoga instructor that turns heads. Before we got serious she got asked out by a studly 28-year old. She was 43. I am 46 and struggle to keep the weight off. I know she loves me for me but I worry about her choosing the better looking guy again. Just like in college.

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Wookin Pa Nub

PRW

 

 

Also she has said numerous times, she has never cheated on any bf or her ex H. She says she had asked for divorce before we got together. They had been living separate lives for years.

 

 

As far as 24 years ago and kissing boys she said that she asked for a break while that happened.

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I have reunited with my college gf from 24+ years ago.

First off, congratulations.

In late Feb 1994 I ended up cheating. She found out and said we are done. She was furious.
She threw new bf's, hook ups in my face a bit.
My gf and I have talked about the chain of events of 24 years ago. I told her how much it hurt when she told me she slept with a guy right after we broke up and how she threw other stuff in my face. She apologized and said she was angry and wanted to hurt me but that was immature of her. We both admitted to making mistakes 24 years ago and forgave each other.
This is good. You're both trying to process the past and your feelings. You're reconciling your past actions with the people you've grown to become. This is healthy.

 

We've talked about our sexual past after we broke up and before we each got married.
Probably a good idea to clear the air, though I could see an argument to just keep that to yourselves...especially after breaking up and marrying other people, with so many years between reconciliation.

 

I get these images of her being with these guys in my head. I worry about it affecting our intimacy. How abnormal is this?
It is normal; it's just not healthy. This is called retroactive jealously. Even though you were first, now you're back at the end of the line looking at who came before you're second go. Most likely, you're doing one or both of two things...You're comparing yourself to the other guys, wondering how you measure up for her, or you are taking her actions as lower her own worth, each guy she's been with making her or the act of sex with her less meaningful or special...which is pretty degrading to her. You need to get a handle on this if you want to make things work.

She even told a story of her good friend in college who slept with this semi-famous basketball player. Black guy with dread locks. I get images and wonder what basketball player my gf hooked up with that night.
Now you're letting you mind wander to fantasy...a horror of a fantasy, but all in your mind the same. She already told you everyone she's been with. Take her at her word, and don't get lost in the idea of imaginary scenarios.

Early in my story above I mentioned we broke up because I cheated. It was unclear if we were even back together. She wanted a break several weeks before. So she tells me two days ago she had "kissed" lots of boys right after she called wanting a break and before I cheated. But then she dumped me for cheating. I know this is silly and it was 24 years ago but I am having a little issue with this. She claimed it was unclear if we were back together when I cheated but we were hanging out that night.
Couples don't start with a clean slate when they cycle a previous relationship. The baggage carries over. This is why it was good you both willingly talked about the first break up. It was 24 years ago, but its also about the ending of your first go-a-round that started the connection you have for each other now. It's going to matter to you.

 

But this is pretty trivial in the grand scheme. You were on a break, and she broke up with you for cheating. Now you find out that she kind of cheated first by making out with other dudes...if anything can be considered cheating when on a break. You've had the guilt of ruining the relationship for as long as you've still pined for her. Now you find out there was a bit messing around on her end first. You feel wronged and/or confused by her accusation and reasoning for the break up.

 

Well, take your own perspective of the events back then. Think of your reasoning that led you to cheat. Apply that same emotional state and reasoning to her when she decided to make out with some other dudes. Then think about how upset you would have been if you find out she kissed another guy even after you slept with another girl. You would have been upset even though you slept with someone else. She was feeling the same thing, only in her mind, maybe sex outweighed kissing enough that you crossed a line finally, when adding up all the other problems at the time, led to a break up.

 

She was behaving like a human being who was hurt by someone she cared about. It doesn't matter if you did something that hurt that person too. The emotions are still there. She apologized for acting immaturely during the time of the break up and after. You actions and reasoning for what you did to hurt the old relationship are still the same. Her reason for ending it is still valid too. Her kissing other guys doesn't cancel out stuff on your end.

We do have an incredible relationship now. We are both much more mature and dedicated to each other. I have absolutely no concerns of her cheating. I just worry about these things in my head too much. How do I stop having thoughts of her "activities" after we broke up 24 years ago? I think it was just a painful time in my life and don't understand how a girl who loved me so much could stop loving me and be with other guys.
Focus on now. She loved you then. She was hurt by you and reacted immaturely, but all of the immature anger with throwing guys in your face, that was because of how emotionally effected she was by you even after the break up. The fact she hooked up with guys and was still trying to get an emotional reaction out of you show she valued them less, not more. Who did she care about, if that was her action? It wasn't the random dudes. The ex husband is an obvious nonissue, as that relationship crashed and burned before you even showed back up.

 

And on top of everything...all the hurt, all the time, you're still the guy she's going back to. Obviously you're the winner. Frame things in your mind as such, because that's the reality...unless you let this all get in your head and blow it.

 

Do I need professional help?
It ain't gonna hurt. Edited by Exformer
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Also she has said numerous times, she has never cheated on any bf or her ex H. She says she had asked for divorce before we got together. They had been living separate lives for years.

 

As far as 24 years ago and kissing boys she said that she asked for a break while that happened.

 

I won't lie that it is kind of annoying that she brushes off making out with guys while on a break as not cheating, but you having sex with a girl during that time period meant you cheated. But remember, it was about her emotional state and less about defined lines. Emotionally, she felt free to kiss other guys, but when she found out you slept with a girl, she felt emotional cheated. It's not fair, but that's how emotional reactions and justifications work.

 

Girls always have options, and they can come at them from anywhere. Guys do too, they just aren't so obviously available for the taking all the time. The greater the girl is, the more guys that will pursue her.

 

I expect my girlfriend to get hit on, because I think she's just about the greatest thing out there. Of course other guys should think the same thing. Why aren't more guys doing it? They're stupid or too intimidated as far as I'm concerned. I know my girlfriend is also into me, so I don't worry about a new guy coming. Get the same mindset.

 

It's her choices that shows you her real opinion. She had the fit young guy asking her out, but she turned to you. She's not contacting an ex to see what they're up to...other than you. She's not pining about the old hook ups. She's not holding some terrible grudge on an ex that shows how emotionally connected she still feels for them. What's left to worry about?

Edited by Exformer
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Wookin Pa Nub

Exformer - thanks for your replies. That was probably the most helpful and non judgmental reply I have gotten on this site. It was therapeutic.

 

 

I do need to focus on the positives like you said. She is with me now and we have a great relationship.

 

 

In reality she has less sexual partners than most women and I wasn't an alter boy after we broke up either.

 

 

I think it is just a deep rooted pain that goes back to feeling abandoned by someone I loved and certain things trigger that pain. She said once that we should go spend the weekend at our college campus. I said I can't do that. Too many painful memories after our break up.

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Exformer - thanks for your replies. That was probably the most helpful and non judgmental reply I have gotten on this site. It was therapeutic.
I appreciate that you think so...makes my day to help.

I do need to focus on the positives like you said. She is with me now and we have a great relationship.
Maybe try a mantra of that when you start to feel that anxiety rooting in your stomach.

In reality she has less sexual partners than most women and I wasn't an alter boy after we broke up either.
Retroactive jealously isn't rational, which makes it easy to recognize, but difficult to let go sometimes. It's emotional, and can take some training to get your head around it. I like that you're here trying to get a handle of it, which means you aren't just letting it take control of you without a fight. So, good for you.

 

I do feel like you have some very strong reactions to a broad range of triggers. You don't want to run from everything that reminds you of your past. These strong associations and the emotions attached seem debilitating at this point. I would suggest seeing someone professionally to help get you beyond that barrier, as that's something that will take time to overcome.

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So you two were each other's APs and now you both have left your BSes for each other, and you can't get over something from 24 years ago?

 

She cheated on you then. You cheated on her then. You both cheated on your spouses now with each other. This will not end well.

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24 years is a heck of a long time, neither of you are the people now that you were back then by a long shot. Heck, I'm not the same person I was even 3 years ago, at the start of uni 8 years ago I was unimaginably different - at that point I hadn't even kissed anyone, let alone dated! The past is the long gone past, people do get out a lot at college age. It's a time for exploration, sleeping around and messing up a few times. You learn and grow from it.

 

Although Exformer raises a good point about retroactive jealousy. Have you felt this way about other women you've dated in the past? Either way I feel that professional help will be a good thing. Don't take it negatively, take it as an opportunity for growth - in any case you'll be a lot more fulfilled with many aspects of your life!

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Wookin Pa Nub

 

Although Exformer raises a good point about retroactive jealousy. Have you felt this way about other women you've dated in the past?

 

 

 

That is interesting question. I struggled with relationships in my teens, college years, post college years. I was a late bloomer and very shy. I didn't have my first kiss until age 18. Overall, I dated girls that I wasn't 100% into or they weren't 100% into me at the end of the day. Sometimes it was tough to take but I got over it.

 

 

My gf and I fell hard for each other. We were inseparable. We were best friends. Youth, immaturity, bad influences led to us drifting apart and eventually breaking up. It was hard to take that someone who loved you so much would just wash her hands of me. I know I share responsibility but it is still difficult.

 

 

After her I struggled big time. I tried to move on bc she was unavailable. I have social anxiety and my guy friends were going out to bars to hook up. That was never my thing mainly bc I was not as successful with the ladies as them. I met my ex W and she provided a comfort level and was fun to be around. The love just wasn't there. Now that she is single and while it does pop in my head she will be dating new guys, I don't get overtly jealous.

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Wookin Pa Nub

Retroactive jealously isn't rational, which makes it easy to recognize, but difficult to let go sometimes. It's emotional, and can take some training to get your head around it. I like that you're here trying to get a handle of it, which means you aren't just letting it take control of you without a fight. So, good for you.

 

I do feel like you have some very strong reactions to a broad range of triggers. You don't want to run from everything that reminds you of your past. These strong associations and the emotions attached seem debilitating at this point. I would suggest seeing someone professionally to help get you beyond that barrier, as that's something that will take time to overcome.

 

 

 

While seeing a therapist during divorce, I did bring the bad thoughts and images I get in my head about my gf and her past from 24 years ago. He said we can't control the thoughts that pop in head but if we do we can look to our senses to remove those thoughts. Look at something, listen, touch something close by. I have tried this but 5 minutes later if I want to I can go back down the bad images path. That was a brief discussion with the therapist and I haven't been back to him.

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PRW

 

 

Also she has said numerous times, she has never cheated on any bf or her ex H. She says she had asked for divorce before we got together. They had been living separate lives for years.

 

 

As far as 24 years ago and kissing boys she said that she asked for a break while that happened.

 

So she could go out and kiss and what ever with who ever.

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Yes, you do need therapy. Your retroactive jealousy is irrational and if you don’t get your feelings in check, you will drive her away for good this time.

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While seeing a therapist during divorce, I did bring the bad thoughts and images I get in my head about my gf and her past from 24 years ago. He said we can't control the thoughts that pop in head but if we do we can look to our senses to remove those thoughts. Look at something, listen, touch something close by. I have tried this but 5 minutes later if I want to I can go back down the bad images path. That was a brief discussion with the therapist and I haven't been back to him.

 

That sounds like a quick fix for an individual episode at a time...but it doesn't work at the root of your problem...it's actually trying to make you just not think about what's bothering you at all. Wouldn't it be better to be at a place where these things don't cause you a problem, instead of learning to disassociate?

 

If you think of your problem as a disease, you could say his method attacks a single symptom, but will never cure the illness causing the symptoms to appear.

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Wookin Pa Nub
That sounds like a quick fix for an individual episode at a time...but it doesn't work at the root of your problem...it's actually trying to make you just not think about what's bothering you at all. Wouldn't it be better to be at a place where these things don't cause you a problem, instead of learning to disassociate?

 

If you think of your problem as a disease, you could say his method attacks a single symptom, but will never cure the illness causing the symptoms to appear.

 

 

 

I would love to cure this. Just earlier today I saw a silly video of a ski lift out of control. My mind went right to images of her at the ski resort with the guy she had a two night stand with.

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ItsJustMyOpinion

You obviously can't get over that stuff, so either get some professional help or break it off with her.

 

I mean, you already know what options you have. All this reminiscing of **** gone wrong is just going to mess with you further. Make a decision and don't look back.

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Feelings such as this are self serving. If you obsess it will show and drive her into the arms of another man. Completing your nightmare.

 

I recall your divorce wasn’t great, sounds like you may have a shot here, don’t F it up.

 

And of course you can’t magically stop your mind from thinking. Like the advice of posters here to “just get over it” after a breakup.

 

But,if you remember that you are starting a self fulfilling prophecy it may help you to be more rational.

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RecentChange
.

 

And of course you can’t magically stop your mind from thinking. Like the advice of posters here to “just get over it” after a breakup.

 

No, there is no magic, but there are certainly things that can be employed to control your thoughts and emotions.

 

You can "self talk" - "ugh, why am I thinking about this, it's ridiculous - think back to her smile that she has when she tells me she lives me"

 

OP - do you struggle with anxiety generally? To me this seems like a manifestation of an anxiety issue.

 

Too much ruminating over past events (water under the bridge), too much time spent on "what ifs" and other thought patterns that are generally more harm than good.

 

We do have some power over our thoughts. When. Stuff like this comes up, you can either choose to indulge the thought, and go spiraling down the worm hole.

 

Or you can check yourself. Tell yourself no, this is ridiculous and redirect your attention to something healthy.

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happyhusband0005

Yes I think it would be helpful to talk to a therapists. You seem to have some insecurities, every time you say I know she loves me for me, it comes across to me like your trying to convince yourself. If I were you I would work on myself, make sure I'm looking my best, working out (try corssfit) dressing well and at the same time get some therapy. I think these feeling will settle down a bit with a little time but its a great catalyst for you to be motivated to do a little self improvement. Go take one of her yoga classes.

 

Good luck I think your going to be fine.

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Wookin Pa Nub
Yes I think it would be helpful to talk to a therapists. You seem to have some insecurities, every time you say I know she loves me for me, it comes across to me like your trying to convince yourself. If I were you I would work on myself, make sure I'm looking my best, working out (try corssfit) dressing well and at the same time get some therapy. I think these feeling will settle down a bit with a little time but its a great catalyst for you to be motivated to do a little self improvement. Go take one of her yoga classes.

 

Good luck I think your going to be fine.

 

I do keep in good shape for a 46 year old but having a demanding desk job makes it challenging. I have gone to yoga with her and it is tough!

 

 

She is in great shape. We had a hiccup in our relationship several months ago and one of her friends said "you can get any man in the city, why do you want drama with (me)?" She was referring to my ex W drama.

 

 

Before we were official, she went out on date with 28 year old good looking fit guy from her yoga studio. She jokes that she was going to be a "cougar" after her divorce but then I came along.

 

 

It's just in the back of my mind she might think she settled for me right after her divorce.

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